Identity Shift #1: I Am Attractive

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, we're going to be talking about you and your identity. In fact, over this episode and the next two in a series of three episodes, we're going to be talking about identity shifts. Changing your identity, transforming your identity, upgrading your identity. And I'm going to be sharing three stories from my own life about pivotal moments where everything transformed. For me, the moment where everything transformed because identity transformed. When your identity shifts, everything changes for you in your world. What's possible for you, what you think is going to happen for you in your future, how optimistic you become, and as well as how you behave, what you do. I mean, identity is such a powerful force. In fact, it's such a powerful force that in my program, Confidence University, there's a whole module focused on upgrading your identity. Long before we get to what to say and how to start conversations and how to be more confident and all that stuff, it's like, we gotta change your identity. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about identity right now, and then I'm gonna get into the first pivotal identity shift for me in my life. So identity is how you see yourself in its most simplest definition, how you see yourself, what you think of yourself, what you believe to be true about yourself. It often comes in the form of I am. And it's a collection of multiple I ams. I am tall, I am short. I am a man, or I am a woman. Or it could be more complex for you, right, if you're transgender or something like that. I am of this descent, I am of this nationality. I am what, I'm an American. I am a Mexican. I am. It could be, you know, as. As varied as you want it to be, as nuanced as you want it to be. And also it's like as all the characteristics, all the things we describe ourselves as. I am intelligent. I am stupid, I am funny, I am boring. I am Attractive, I am unattractive or ugly, I am desirable, I am undesirable. I am lovable and worthy. I am unworthy, I am unlovable. Right? And so these make up our identity and makes up how you see yourself. And then when you have that identity, it controls how you behave, how you show up. So if your identity is I am short and unattractive, what's that going to do to your romantic life, maybe even your social life? If your identity is I'm not capable or I'm going to get overwhelmed or I'm not good enough at this task, how is that going to affect how you show up at work to work on that task? Your identity determines your behavior, determines what you do, it determines what you don't do and what you avoid. It is a powerful force inside of you. And here's the really interesting thing. We stay consistent with our identity. So if we think, I'm shy, I'm a shy person, then we show up to a situation and lo and behold, we carry out the same pattern. We act shyly. And not only do we conform to our identity, we do our best to make sure that reality does as well, that everyone outside of us kind of falls in line. So if we, let's say our identity is I'm unattractive and the people that I'm attracted to are going to reject me, we probably would never approach them. But even if we do, we do so in a way that is subtly trying to bring about them rejecting us. Whether we do it really awkwardly or really timidly or in some off putting way subtly. And we're usually not aware of it, like, no, no, I was really trying to connect. But we do something that just pushes them away and then they're like, I don't want to talk to you. You see? You see, I knew it. Because our identity gives us a sense of certainty. At least we know how to predict the world, how it's going to go. Even if it's shitty certainty, like it's not going to go well, we still have that certainty and it gives us a sense of control in life. And without that sense of control, man, we can feel overwhelmed, we can feel anxious, we can feel extremely vulnerable in life. So we get that control any way we can, even if it's negative. And what I want to share with you today is a story of how it flipped from negative to positive for me in one key area of my life. And these stories that I'm going to share over these next three weeks are chronological in the sense that they, you know, this first one is from my maybe 20 to 21 years old, and the next one will be my later in my 20s, and the next one is just from this last year. So the first identity shift is I am attractive. I am attractive. Is that part of your identity? You know, how you know, you know, how you find out. You just. So a lot of our identity is unconscious. You know, we're not walking around saying to ourselves, I am desirable and worthy or I am undesirable. It manifests in how you behave and how you talk to yourself in your head. So one way to kind of make your identity more conscious is just to say one of those identity statements. I am attractive. So just say it out loud right now or in your mind, I am attractive. And then notice what happens. What will happen is you will either have an internal yes or an internal no. It's like a feeling. It's a sense. Like, yeah, that's true. No, that's not true. Or somewhere in between. I was like, well, it's kind of true. It depends on how you define attractive. Are you talking about physical characteristics? And if so, are you talking about just face or face and body? Or, you know, maybe some calculations are going on, but in general, is that true for you? I'm attractive. And attractive doesn't just mean appearance. I mean, you know, you can define it however you want, right? But I don't define attractiveness just by appearance. I mean, attractive in its most core essence is the. You know, you attract things to you, you attract people to you. And that's not just how you look. That is your energy, that's your enthusiasm. That's your ability to listen and pay attention and connect with others. That is your heart. And it's not just romantically. Attraction is everything, right? You know, you attract friends, you attract business opportunities, you attract promotions. People want to hire you, want to promote you, want to work with you. So are you attractive? Interesting to see what your identity is there. For me, for many, many, many years, probably since the age of about 11, my identity was, I am unattractive. Before 11. I don't think I had a negative identity about my appearance. I think I liked the way I looked. And then I was 11, got to middle school, and I became unattractive. That's where I adopted that identity. And I adopted it because I looked. So I went to a small private middle school, Episcopalian middle school. And the. It was a small. I don't know, my class was maybe like 50 kids or something in my particular grade. So Very small. And out of the 50 of us, there was 48 of them were white. There was one African American kid, and then me. And I. When I got there, I was a little. I don't know how shy I was. I think I was less shy around guys at that age. My shyness, my social anxiety hadn't really kicked in yet. And I didn't. I don't know. I guess I was just starting to acknowledge or notice women like, before then. I was just a little kid, and you have friends that are guys and girls, and there's no romantic interest for me. And a few things came together. One, I noticed that I became interested in girls, and I noticed that girls seem to connect with or things seem to happen with other guys and not with me. Part of it was maybe I was timid and not putting myself out there. You know, I was new to the school, and a lot of those other guys had been there a long time. I don't know the reasons, but my mind concluded that it was because I'm unattractive. That's why. That's why, you know, women aren't interested in me. And I didn't even know that was true, that they weren't interested in me. It was just. That's how I interpreted the situation. Right? And then based upon that, I started to look for. Why? Well, it's this about my face, and my eyes look different than their eyes and my skin. And maybe I don't have the right socks. Maybe I'm wearing the wrong kind of underwear. Like, I just started to look at what makes me less attractive. And it was a mixture of my physical appearance, like my face, my eyes are not attractive, and I'm just generally not attractive. I don't know why, but just a general overall undesirable romantically to women. That was my identity, that was my story. And it got lodged in there as they do. And then we make sure that it sustains. And that's exactly what I did. So I'll tell you more about that and then how I broke free right after this. Hey, Dr. Aziz here. In the next 30 seconds, I want to share with you the secret to break free of your shyness and social anxiety. And here's a tip. It's not getting more information. It's not listening to more of these podcasts or reading another book or reading another blog that could be a part of your puzzle. But that leads to information overload. And you don't need information. You need transformation. That means applying what you learn. So go to thesocialconfidencecenter.com now check out the products page and get one of the products, particularly Confidence Unleashed or the confidence code or 30 days to dating Mastery. One of those programs will guide you through a transformation. They go way beyond information and into actually teaching and showing you how to have that shift. So please go to that website now if you truly want to make a difference in your life. Now, Okay, so I have this negative identity. I am unattractive. And if you have that identity, a powerful process for you to do is to ask yourself, where did I learn that? Because you learned it somewhere. And it could have been one moment or in a certain environment. Like for me it was the middle school environment. But then the backdrop was also the larger media and messages I was getting about, you know, people that were brown or people that were. My dad was from Pakistan and there was a lot of kind of mocking of people from India and or Pakistani descent, you know, in media and TV shows and things that I saw. So I just kind of took it in that, oh, that's less attractive. And you can think about that for you. Where did I learn this? Who taught me this? And sometimes people teach you directly, like you're teased or made fun of for something, but sometimes it's indirectly. Maybe you just watch your dad or your mom do something. You watched your mom weigh herself and say, I'm a pig or something like that. You just watch that as a kid and all of a sudden you're like, oh, if you're overweight, you're unlovable, you're unworthy, you're unattractive. So reflect on that for yourself as you listen. Anyway, I carried it forward for years. So I go into high school and now I'm pretty strongly shy, especially around women. And I'm definitely not attractive. So I don't put myself out there in the same way. There's a lot of timidness if I do put myself out there. A lot of even if I work up the courage, a lot of self criticism and self doubt and tons and tons more comparison to the other guys who seem to somehow get girlfriends, but I never did. And on and on, and that identity continued and continued and continued. And the fascinating thing about an identity is it feels so real, doesn't it? It feels so true. And what I found in people is if you challenge their identity too directly. And I've made this mistake with clients because sometimes I just see through people's identities so easily. You know, just having done this work for so many years, I'm just Like, wow, wow. That's like a paper mache building that you've constructed around you. But it's so not true. But if you challenge it too directly, people can react negatively and like freak out and fight back, because that's who I am. Man, you don't understand. This is just true. It feels so solid, so real, but it's not. And I really started to discover that it was not. So when I made a commitment to myself to break free. Some of you know this story. I'm not going to go into the whole story of it. I tell it in my eBook, Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, which you can get at the site for this podcast, Shrink for the shy guy, shrinkforthshyguy.com or@socialconfidencecenter.com SocialConfidenceCenter.com is where you can get that ebook. And I go into full depth. But basically it was reaching a low breaking point and then a deep core committed decision. I am going to do something different and I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to do whatever it takes. And so I started to learn, went to teachers online and studied like, well, how do you become a confident man? How do you talk to women and initiate conversations? And it always seems so mysterious and confusing to me and I was so scared of it. And so I learned some basics. And then every person I was reading from and watching videos from was saying, you have to go do this, you have to go practice this. And I was just terrified, terrified. But I was so desperate and so ready to do whatever it took because I didn't want to live another 20, 30, 40, 50 years of loneliness and feeling inadequate and unattractive. So I was like, I'm going to go do this. And in my mind, though, my identity was still, I'm unattractive. So I was like, okay, I'm unattractive, but if I get really charming and good at conversations and stuff, maybe a woman will look past my unattractiveness and want to date me. That was my thinking at the time. So I started approaching women and I had kind of to work up to it and just face a lot of fear if that's something you want to work on. I have a program called 30 Days to Dating Mastery. 30 Days to Dating Mastery, where I talk all about that and help guide you step by step through the processes that I went through, some of the exact activities I did. And you know, tsw, that shit works. Because bit by bit I started to have these interactions And I remember there were some moments where I would approach a woman, and I remember there's this. These two young women, and one of them had a camera, and she was taking photos of her friend. I just went up and said, what are you guys taking photos for? That's an interesting camera. What's going on? And are you posing? Are you modeling? It's kind of a playful teasing a little bit. And that interaction sticks out to me because it was like, these are women that I didn't know, but I approached on a street that were all of a sudden talking to me and interested and engaged. And it was so different than what I thought was possible. I was like, but wait, I'm unattractive. I'm undesirable. But it's interesting when we have a. When reality does not conform, it is inconsistent with our identity. Something different is happening. They seem attracted to me. They seem engaged in talking to me. Do we change our identity right then and there and say, you know what? Maybe I'm not unattractive? Maybe that was just a big story that I told myself starting at age 11. Or, what do we do instead? We say, man, that was a fluke. I don't know what was going on there. That was just phe. And sometimes we don't even have a valid reason to discount it. We're just like, nah. But what about this? Just some sort of nonverbal grunt is enough to just push it aside. The power of staying consistent with our identity. Right? So I had some experiences like that, but they didn't really change my identity. But I started to see that, well, if I took action. And here's the biggest thing that I want to communicate with, any client that I work with or anyone in my groups or at the weekends is always like, you have to test out reality. You have to test the edge and see what actually happens. Because your identity, your story about what's going to happen is just usually fabricated. It's usually not true. And it's just the fact that we believe the story. So then we don't take the effective action. We don't get a different response, and we just stay in that holding pattern. We stay stuck sometimes for months, years, decades, or for our entire lives. And so we have to test the edge. We have to see what really happens and be open to being wrong. That's another one. That's the reason we stick with our identities. It's like, I gotta be right. I gotta be consistent. It's like, no, you could be wrong. What if nothing is as it Seems what if it's entirely possible for you to be free of that right now, in this very moment, no matter how long the history has been? It's crazy. And for a lot of us, we can't comprehend that. And it's a slower process, but it doesn't matter if it's fast or slow. The key is to open to the possibility that you can have a new identity. And I'll never forget the moment where the identity, like, shifted in a core, deep way that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to sharing with you. I'm going to take a quick break right now. When we get back, I'm going to share that story of that moment where my identity shifted deeply about from I am unattractive to I am attractive. I am desirable. And if you want that as your identity, stay tuned. Listen to that story. It will help open things up for you. Stay tuned. Does working with Dr. Aziz actually work? Can you really break free from social anxiety and live a life of confidence, success, and happiness? Here is what one client had to say about his experience. What would I say to somebody considering coming to see Dr. Disease for a live weekend? Do it. I mean, don't stop it. It's what you need. If you're doubting it, just do it. I would definitely recommend Dr. Aziz to anyone who wants to improve their confidence and social skills. He's. I don't think anyone else out there is offering anything like what he does, especially something that's so geared towards people who, you know, who kind of lack in the social confidence area. To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching welcome back. So the story. What is it? So here. Here's what happened to shift an identity. I think there's a couple of things happening, and there's probably other factors, too, but two core ones is like you, as I was talking about earlier, test the edge. You take new action and see what really happens. So for the identity shift, in the absence of that, you know, just kind of sit on your couch and do some affirmations and shit. I don't think that's gonna do it. I think it's gotta be combined with taking new action. That's like, okay, if I was attractive, what would I do? Well, I'd walk up right up there and start a conversation, okay, well, then I gotta take that action. So you start taking that action. But that doesn't immediately shift the identity. I think what shifts the Identity is consistently taking that action over time and then also getting responses from the environment that are showing you, hey, how you used to see yourself is not true. Hey, you are capable, you are attractive, you are effective, you are smart, you are whatever it is, whatever new identity you want to take on. So I was doing that. I was in a process of that. And there's this tipping point moment where there was this amazing woman that I'd worked with. I was so drawn to her, so attracted to her. She pretty much rebuffed me when she first started working at the place I was working at. And then I went off on my own personal growth journey for six months and just really immersed myself in all this stuff and just totally transformed the way I related to her. I stopped being so pleasing and just started being a lot more boldly myself. And we ended up having a date, and it was awesome. I mean, I was just acting because I'd been practicing over the last months, just being bold. And so we go to a place, and she's like, oh, my friends want to come. Can they meet up with us? And in the past, I would have been like, oh, that sounds so scary. I'm so uncomfortable. And maybe I would have said yes, but just been so uncomfortable around her friends and quiet, or just made an excuse and left. But this time I was like, sure, yeah, have them come meet us. And they did. And I, like, engaged with her friends and flirted with one of her friends a little bit in a playful way. And just like. Because I'd been practicing that stuff. And. And then at one point, there was some music playing in the bar we were at, and I just grabbed her hand and, like, walked towards the dance floor with her walking behind me. And I remember listening to Dave d', Angelo, some guy saying, like, you know, be willing to lead in some way. Be kind of a powerful man who's willing to lead. And so I just did it. I was like, I have no fucking idea what I'm gonna do when I get to the dance floor. I don't even dance. But I remember hearing another guy saying, women like a guy who can dance. And you don't gotta be good at it. You just gotta be willing to get out on the dance floor. So I was like, okay. And I was doing that. I was willing to step into uncertainty, willing to step into the unknown. And that is when your identity shifts. But my identity didn't shift that night. It shifted the next afternoon, where we had a great time. We were hanging out, and we had so much fun. She's like, oh, hey, let's. I want to get off of work at such and such time. Let's get some sushi. She wanted to get some sushi dinner the next day. And I was like, sure, that sounds great. And so it's the next afternoon, and I'm going to the store. It's like the middle of the afternoon. I have, like, a couple hours before I'm gonna meet up with her. Gonna go home, take a shower, chill out, and then go meet with her. And I'm in a Albertsons. It's like just a supermarket chain, and I'm just buying a few things. And as I've been doing and practicing over the last months, the cashier was this young woman. I just set a few back and forth, A little bit of a banter with her, and that's a practice I'd been doing for months, was just, like, not heavy flirting, just a little bit of banter, a little bit of engaging conversation anywhere I could do it, anywhere I could practice it. So I just almost did it like a habit. So I was doing that with her, not thinking about much. And there are these two women in line behind me, and I didn't really even pay attention to them. I don't know. I think I was just kind of in my own world that day. And I got out, and I was walking towards my car with my two grocery bags in either hand, and I'm almost to my car across the parking lot, and I heard, hey. And I just keep walking because I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I didn't even think it was about me. And then I heard, hey. And I could tell it was directed towards me. So I turned around, and I was like, just saw these two beautiful young women, like, walking right towards me. And I was just kind of like, okay, I don't know what's happening right now. And, like, did I drop something? What's going on? Because it can't be that they're attracted to me, right? That's not who I am. And yet they get up there, and then I see one of them's like, hey, how's it going? And I'm like, good. And I'm still a little bit on my heels, like, confused, like, what's going on? All of a sudden, all of a sudden, it clicks. It's, like, stupid obvious. It's like, aziz, they're coming to talk to you. They're, like, attracted to you. And I was just like, whoa. So then I, like, clicked in, and I Was like, clicked into on mode. And I was like, oh, hey, how's it going? What are you guys up to today? You know, and they chatted a little bit. And one of them's like, yeah, you know, we're just gonna go back and watch a movie. This is like a Friday afternoon or something. Or Saturday. I don't even remember the day. Say we're go back and watch a movie. You want to come hang out with us? And I was like, what? I didn't say that. But in my mind, it was, like, confusion. But I was, what? Really? And these were, like, you know, intelligent, funny, attractive women. I was like, ah. But I literally had, like, not that much time. I mean, if I wasn't seeing the woman I was gonna meet up with that night, I probably would have hung out with them. But I was really into this woman I just had dated and the night before, and I don't know, just didn't really want to go blow that off to hang out with these two women. So I got one of their numbers, and I said, oh, no, thanks. I can't do it today, but let me get your number. I don't think I ever followed up with her. But in that moment, there was this powerful shift of like, oh. Oh, no. I am attractive. I am desirable. Whoa. Everything that I told myself, everything I believed was false. It wasn't that I was ugly. It wasn't that I had these dark circles under my eyes that made me repulsive to all women and no woman could find me attractive. That was fundamentally false. That was not true. That's not how reality was. And it's like, every time I've had one of these identity shifts, that's the first one I'm gonna share. The next two in the next two episodes. It's like this one of these fucking movie moments. It's like a Matrix moment where Neo wakes up and he's like, whoa, everyone's trapped in a robot machine world. Or some, you know, Inception. Some kind of movie where you wake up out of a dream. It's like, what? What? And then there's this kind of, like, period of a couple days or weeks afterwards where I'm still just trying to comprehend it. I'm like, what? But in a good way. Like an excited way. Like, holy shit. Maybe. Maybe something is different. Maybe something else is possible. And maybe I am attractive. I am. I am. And really taking that in, and then all of a sudden, being able to operate and behave accordingly. Well, how would I show up to this sushi date if I knew deep down that I was attractive. And it shifted everything. It changed when I would see a woman that I was drawn to instead of like, ugh, you know, straight up, straight up avoidance or like, oh God, I want to. And I'm so scared. And oh, no, it became like, ooh, who's she? I want to move towards her. And then I would do that because I knew, well, there's, you know, I don't know if she's available or open, but I know I'm attractive. So if she is available and interested, then there's a good chance she'd want to go out with me. And when you have that man, it changes everything. It opens up all doors. So let's take this and apply it for you and turn it into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to uncover more of your identity. Just sit and think about that. What are your I ams, I am what, what are the things that you believe about yourself? And if you find some stuff in there that is negative, unhelpful, does not support you in being the most bold, free, powerful, liberated, confident version of you, then ask yourself, where did I learn that? So basically, just reflect on your identity and if you want to go much deeper in this, as I mentioned, there's Confidence University, a program I have. You can go to find out more about that on my site SocialConfidenceCenter.com or directly to the Confidence University site which is called theconfidenceuniversity.com theconfidenceuniversity.com and we do, as I said, there's a whole module on identity, there's a lot of in depth stuff there. And also there's a chapter in the book, my book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence that's about stories and in there as our identity stories, I do some interesting exercises in there. So there's ways to go a lot deeper with this and also simply reflecting on this is going to help you and maybe opening up to where would I want an identity shift? Where would I want that for me? And you'll be able to think about that more in the next two episodes, which are going to be about two other identity shifts for you that I think you're going to find really fun and inspiring and I look forward to sharing those with you in the not too distant future, the next few weeks. So until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening. To Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free. Blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.