Identity Shift #2: I Am Capable Of Love

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself, second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're gonna learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is about another identity shift. And we talked about an identity shift last week in the episode about shifting from seeing yourself. Or it was a story about me, but perhaps it's a story also about you shifting how you see yourself from unattractive to attractive, not desirable to desirable, not worthy of love, to being worthy of love. And if you haven't listened to that episode, go back and do that now. You'll learn more about identity. I talk about identity in that episode, but your identity is how you see yourself and what you see yourself as capable of, what is possible for you in your life, what life holds for you, and ultimately what you deserve, what you can create. And our identity controls everything. Reality conforms to our identity. And so when we perceive something as not possible, we perceive ourselves as not capable of something. Lo and behold, it does not happen. And then you get into this sort of self fulfilling prophecy idea where, where, well, it's not possible for me. And then all of a sudden reality shows you that it's not possible. And you say, see, it's not possible. And yet we can shift these things. And that's why I want to share these stories from my own life, because I had a second profound identity shift in my life that occurred somewhere where was I? Late twenties, I'd say I don't know exactly what age in there, but basically I had overcome a lot of my core social anxiety at that point. So I was able to approach, especially in the social arena. I mean, I was able to approach women, I was able to have conversations, I was able to date, I was able to do all kinds of stuff and was quite liberated in a lot of ways. However, over the course, I mean, and you heard in the previous episode about my journey to see that I actually was attractive enough to date. But what I found is, I mean, I thought that was the end. All, be all, you know, you just get Some dates, you're the man. It's all easy from there. But I realized that there was another huge obstacle for me to overcome, and that was to really connect with someone and have a deep, lasting, loving relationship. And it's something that I knew I wanted. I mean, I really also wanted my dating phase be able to have freedom, no strings attached, that sort of thing. But as I did that more, it was like, well, you know, what I really want is a really strong, deep, solid relationship. I want to be with one person that knows me, not just have a lot of connections where there's not as much depth. And I really want to. Ultimately, I don't think I thought of it consciously in this way, but I wanted a life partner, I wanted a wife, I wanted someone to be with, I wanted someone to ultimately create a family with. Even though I still wasn't really consciously thinking, thinking about all that future stuff. It was more just like, I want to be with someone, I want to find the right person for me. And a lot of the dating was kind of like, eh, this is okay, but I want someone who's a better fit. And to make matters worse or more confusing, I seem to have a lot of problems connecting after those initial dates. So I learned how to be more bold, more outgoing, more assertive. But then this pattern started to happen where again I was able to shift it from like, I go on a date and they never want to see me again to I go on a date and they want to see me again and then they want to see me again. And you know, not every woman, but a lot of the time. And so then I was in the place to be the selector to decide. And I found that I just decided I didn't, I didn't want to see them again after X dates, whether it was 2 or 12, but relatively short period of time, I would be like, ah, I just, no, I don't like this or I don't like that. You know, the first couple times this happened, I thought, oh yeah, you know, I'm selective and I'm just looking for the right fit for me. But something started to get a little fishy when I would experience something like this. Here's a woman, I'm really drawn to her for some reason. I'm very attracted to her. She's beautiful to me, she's funny or intelligent or into similar things to me. We get along great. It feels really good to hang out. I really want to be with her. We have sex, it's awesome. Well, maybe not the first time. Usually the first time with sex is a little strange and awkward, but get into it, have it a few more times, it's great, great connection there. Really awesome. But then like, I don't know, a month in, something like that, I'm just like, I gotta go, I gotta get outta here. I don't like this anymore. I'm totally done. Forget this, like this total about face switch in me where it's like, I don't want anything to do with this anymore. Like it went to aversion and all these positive feelings just like kinda disappeared. And I again, when that happened, I would just act on it, say, okay, I gotta end this relationship, this isn't right for me. But then as soon as I would end it, guess what I would feel? Regret. Pain. Missing her. Longing for her. What have I done? So then I was like, this is a little, this is a little crazy making, right? And so I started to feel a little crazy. I started to feel like, what's going on with me? You know, and then I'd want her back. And sometimes I would even go like, you know, rekindle or attempt to. And sometimes she would give me another chance or be open to the idea. And sometimes they'd be like, bleh, no. And here's the worst part is if they did open up again, I would just, I would want to. And then we got back together, then I would want to break up again. I know, crazy making, right? Not only for me, but for her, I'm sure. And there was definitely a lot of hurt feelings that I created in my own messy learning and growth. And so I wanted this relationship, I wanted love. And yet I started to say, well, you know, I thought the obstacle was I just couldn't talk to women or they always rejected me or that I wasn't, you know, I was too much of a nice guy, but I'd really overcome that and been more bold. And now I'm able to be the selector and I'm able to choose women that I'm attracted to and drawn to, but I just. Something's happening. I can't make it last. I don't know, I don't know why. I don't even know why I don't like them. After a little while, I was very confused and very unsure of, like, well, what's the next step? So I do what I normally do, which I start to read, I start to reflect and look at what's happening and started to wonder, oh, maybe I have a problem with intimacy. Yeah, that's what it is. I Have a fear of intimacy. Right? I don't know if you've ever heard that phrase. It's kind of a general catch all pop psychology phrase, man. I have a fear of intimacy. There's something wrong with me. You know, there's something wrong with me. It crept back in, man. I was always lurking around the shadows, waiting to creep in there and infest our water. There's something wrong with me. Now what is it? I don't know. Something, something vague. Fear of intimacy broken inside. Now I hadn't gotten that far. I hadn't gotten like, I'm broken inside. I was still more like, what's going on? I'm kind of confused. But the. It was the beginning of a pretty entrenched negative belief that was starting to claw its way in. And then the way that affects you when it gets in, man. I'll tell you more about that. In fact, we're taking one quick break. We'll be right back. I'm going to tell you more about what unfolded for me as that belief started to set in. Stay tuned. If you wanted to walk up to an attractive woman and start a conversation with her, could you do it? Would you be nervous, awkward, or afraid or how she might respond to you? That's a case that Dr. Uziz knows well, which is exactly why he is a perfect guide for breaking free. Learn how to build your self esteem and create rock solid confidence with women without using any strange scripts or pickup lines. Discover how to tap into your natural masculine confidence today by going to 30daystodatingmastery.com welcome back. So there's something wrong with me starts to creep up and then I start to see, you know, maybe there's just something blocking me. Something. Something just not quite right about my heart or my brain. I don't even know. That's the thing with this. There's something wrong with me. And I'll do this all the time with clients. Well, like, you know, we'll kind of fish out that there's something wrong with me. They said, therefore I can't socially connect, therefore I can't have friendships, therefore I can't, you know, speak up and work or do whatever. There's something wrong with me. I'm different, I'm flawed. And we start to like exploit. Well, what, what's specifically wrong with you? And it's always some vague, like, I don't know, is this fundamentally broken, incapable. And it's always just, I laugh because it's a big crock, right? It's just we haven't Learned something yet? We haven't. We haven't discovered what we needed to know. And I didn't know that yet. But anyway, so I start to say, okay, well, you know, at this point, I mean, this pattern of, like, dating for a little while and breaking up had been going on for, like, years. And at first, I remember, at first I was fine with it. I was just like, yeah, I'm done with her move on. Yeah, I'm done with her move on. But eventually I was like, no, no, no, I want a relationship. So then I started to try to figure it out and yet still had this overwhelming urge to break up. So I said, okay, fear of intimacy. It's just a fear, right? And I know how to handle fear. You. You confront the fear. So here's what I'm gonna do. The next person that I date that I'm really into, that I like, seems like a good fit. When I normally would flee or end the relationship, I'm gonna stay in it. And really, you might call this the white knuckle phase. The white knuckle it. So I meet this beautiful woman at a Whole Foods and we hit it off right away. The boldness is walk up and approach her. Oh, yeah, you too, can cultivate that. I'm serious. I'm serious. Even if it seems so scary and so hard for you. And I tell tons of stories I'm sure you've heard in this podcast, but you can do this. You can create these extraordinary connections. So it was just an amazing fit. We hit it off, we talked about nutrition. We were both lifelong learners. She was really bright and I loved her. She was also, I don't know, very open minded, great energy into all kinds, knew all kinds of stuff I didn't know. It was just a really, really awesome fit and really sexy and just. So we hit it off and we start dating. And sure enough, a month in, the same pattern starts to occur. But I don't retreat. I stay in it. And I stay in it. Nope, you're going to do this disease. So the fear would come up and I'd just try to work with it, manage it, journal about it, do whatever I could. And it kept going until, I don't know, maybe four or five months I was able to do that. And then it just, it got too intense. I actually started having panic attacks, which I'd never had in my four. I mean, I had a lot of fear. I had some moments of public speaking where I would say I felt panicky and incapable of functioning, but, like, never a full on panic attack. And if you ever had one of those. If you've never had one of those, good. If you have, you know what I'm talking about. It is some scary shit. It's like my brain's not working and I'm gonna die. What is happening, Right? So I remember one happened. I woke up before her one morning, and it was. I was staying at her place in the bed, and I had this, like, insane panic feeling. And then another one happened. I talk about the second one in my. In my book, Not Nice. We're at some park in San Francisco, and where she beautiful sunny day, she's laying on the grass. And I'm like, ah, I gotta go use the bathroom. And it's like, you gotta walk over this little hill to get to the public bathrooms in the park. And so I'm walking towards the bathroom and I have another panic attack. And it's like my mind is, like flashing images of me, like, literally just running, running out of the park, getting into my car, driving away, leaving her there, and, like, never talking to her again. And so obviously, some part of me is, like, so scared of going deeper and connecting. And at that point, that's when I'm like, all right, I think I'm fucked up. I think I'm crazy. I think there's something deeply wrong with me. And that's what I believed. And that's what perpetuated for several more relationships after that. I mean, God, years. Multiple years of that and reading and studying and learning and trying to figure it out and being totally unsuccessful. And then it started to really mess with me when it came to, like, approaching a woman to date because some part of me was like, oh, God, this is gonna go well. So have you ever been in that place where you're like, yeah, this is gonna go well? Because the negative identity is so strong, you just anticipate, you know, pain and suffering. So fortunately, there was a shift here, right? This isn't just a tale of doom and gloom. And the shift occurred when we reach. For me, I think this is how it happened. I think this is often the case for many people in life. We reach a threshold moment of pain. So I was in yet another relationship, and it was just the worst one yet. Not even that good of a partner for me. She was like, I was really drawn to her. And there's some really good ways we fit. But then other ways where it was like, she was harsh and cruel and critical, but I was like, no, I must make this work. You know, it was almost like I had to prove something. Like, I'm gonna prove that I'm not broken by being able to make a relationship work. Well, maybe that's a. Well, that's always probably a setup for failure, but it's especially a setup for failure if you've chosen, like, not a very good fit for you. But you're like, it doesn't matter who they are. I gotta make this work. And so I was really struggling. It was the most on again, off again relationship I've ever had, you know, like, okay, we're broken up. I'm gonna come back and say whatever I need to to smooth things over. Even though I don't really believe what I'm saying. It's just the worst. In any case, that level of pain drove me to be like, I need help. I need help. Now. I might have been in therapy at some point for some of this stuff, but not really. It's amazing how we can go through a phase of being stuck with something and not seek help. But I said, I need to do this. So I found a men's group, actually, and I was really interested in group therapy. I'd been reading more about it. At this point. I was doing my internship or postdoc at Portland State University and was running groups there. I was like, I want to be in a group. I want to know this from the inside out, and I want to work on this issue. I'm obviously fucked up. I got a recommendation, found this men's group, and one of the best things I ever did in my life, absolutely transformative. And I'm going to tell exactly how, what the key shifts were, what the identity change was right after this. Stay tuned. Hey, Dr. Aziz here. In the next 30 seconds, I want to share with you the secret to break free of your shyness and social anxiety. And here's a tip. It's not getting more information. It's not listening to more of these podcasts or reading another book or reading another blog that could be a part of your puzzle. But that leads to information overload. And you don't need information. You need transformation. That means applying what you learn. So go to thesocialconfidencecenter.com now. Check out the products page and get one of the products, particularly Confidence Unleashed or the confidence code or 30 days to dating Mastery. One of those programs will guide you through a transformation. They go way beyond information and into actually teaching and showing you how to have that shift. So please go to that website now if you truly want to make a difference in your life. Now. Hey, welcome back. So joined this men's group, and that's when everything transformed. Because over the course of I was in it for two years, I discovered something that was. That probably changed me for forever, which is that any time you think that you're broken, that there's something wrong with you, that you're fundamentally incapable of something, the truth is you just haven't learned something yet. The truth is you haven't learned something yet. And that means you might not have learned some idea or you've already heard the thing, quote, I don't know why there would be a quote there. You've already heard the thing and maybe, quote, think that you've learned it, but you haven't learned it because you haven't internalized it. You've learned it intellectually in your head, but you haven't learned it in your behavior, Right? So that's a different level of learning, but whatever it is. So another way of maybe of saying this that's more clear is you either anytime you think that there's something wrong with you, that's not true, the truth is you either haven't learned something yet or you're not applying something that you learned. And when you either learn the things you need to learn or start applying the shit you know that you need to do, your life will transform. And that's exactly what I discovered in this group. So it didn't turn out that I was fundamentally broken. It was that I had no skills around relationships. I did not know how. I mean. And this is the fundamental sort of origin of my book, not nice, which you should definitely check out if you're people pleasing, have a hard time relationships, any of that stuff, because that's what I was, a fundamentally people pleasing, amazing, nice guy. And so I learned in the initial few dates to be a little more bold and tease her and not be so caretaking. But then once you get into a quote, relationship, all those patterns would just come out in force. So here's some core things. I never really said no. Had a very hard time saying no. Any date or any suggestion she had, I would say yes. Not only that, I would try to figure out what she wanted and give it to her. I was trying to be the perfect guy. I was trying to be this, like, knight in shining armor, Romeo, romantic, amazing guy. And so I was like, just trying to see, okay, what exactly does she need? I'm gonna give her everything. And this is on, like, date two or three, right? So do you see how that's already a setup? I Did not ever bring up anything that I didn't like. No challenge, no conflict, no disagreement. I would find a way to avoid all that stuff. Cause I wanted to be a positive, nice, upbeat, fun guy. And so you know that maybe that works on. There's some benefits to that. Right? You know, but if you can't talk about something you don't like, or if you can't disagree, or if you can't say no, all of a sudden a relationship, instead of feeling like a safe, supportive place to, you know, to experience love, starts to feel like a prison. And that's exactly what I would experience. I would start to feel trapped. Hence the panic, hence the need to escape. And the reason is because I just didn't have these skills so I couldn't navigate, I couldn't. And the way that I think about it now is I couldn't set subtle boundaries. And you know, the five elements of anti nice pillars as I call them in the book are have boundaries. Let me see if I can remember them in order. Have boundaries. Own your shadow, Speak up. You'd think that the man who wrote the book would know what they are. Say no is one of them. Be more selfish. And those are the core things that I learned in the men's group and beyond and have applied to create an extraordinary relationship with my wife Candice. But also all my relationships work, social, day to day life, how to eliminate all that guilt and all that stuff that I would be experiencing all the time. But I didn't have those. Those are, you know, talking about have. I talk a lot in the book about setting boundaries and having boundaries. I don't even know what they were. You might not even know when I say that what are your boundaries in relationship? You might be like, what was he even talking about? And I didn't know myself. But boundaries are basically your ability to tune into yourself in any given situation and be like, what do I want? Do I like this or do I not like this? And if I don't like this, what am I going to do about it? Am I going to say something? Am I going to move away? How do I figure this out? And that could be like, where do you want to go to eat? You know, you can have a boundary around that. I want to go here, I don't want to go there, you know, or like the way that they speak to you or what you want to do with your time, where you want to go. All these things are preferences and those are things that you need to be able to tune into and then Be able to express or act on. And sure, some of them you can let go if you feel flexible in that moment. But don't delude yourself into thinking you're the most flexible, easygoing person in the world, because you're not. That's what I told myself for years. And then I had all this repressed dislike of what was going on. I just wasn't aware of it. So learning these subtle boundaries and being able to set them so someone's like, hey, you want to come out on Friday night? No, I'm going to do my own thing. How about we hang out on Sunday? Super basic, right? Couldn't do that. So if you can't do that, then what would happen is that boundary is crossed 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15 times, however many times and however long. And all of a sudden, the only way to take care of myself, the only way to survive and preserve me and not lose myself would be to set like a large all or nothing boundary, which is like, we gotta break up, right? So that's the only boundary I had. Are you in my life or out of it? And if you're in, then I'll just do whatever you want. So I learned how to set all those boundaries. And it's a two stage process, right? Learning up here in your head and then learning in your behavior. And that's what I get into in not nice. It's like, look, this is not just about learning stuff intellectually, comfortably. This is about challenging these patterns. This is about overcoming these patterns. This is about being uncomfortable. Because it's gonna be uncomfortable when you say no, or when you reject something or you bring up something that you don't like or have a conflict. It's gonna be uncomfortable. But those are the skills that you need to learn in order to create the life that you want. And so that's what I did. And I started able to bring that forward into, into my next dating experiences. And all of a sudden I would go on a date and I'd be like, what do I like here? Do I like this? Do I not like this? I was just, I used to be so focused on how do I come across as the most attractive man possible. And I'd studied a lot of that stuff, so I was able to do it. Basically, how do I get her to be into me? And I was good at doing that. But the downside of that is I don't even know what the hell, what do I want? Am I into her? Do I really like this? Well, what Do I like? What do I not like? You know? And I started to shift everything and focus on that. And I remember it was like a turning point where I was dating this woman. Not even dating, I would say. We went on, like, several dates. Two, maybe three. And after the third date, I realized maybe even the second date, we hung out and she wanted to meet at a bar, which was already kind of a red flag for me because I didn't really like drinking much at all. So I was like, well, but I still did it. So I was still in that phase of, you know, it got to a point later on where I would have just said, oh, no, that's not my thing. But I was kind of like, okay, yeah. But I noticed. I noticed I nudist. I noticed I didn't like it. And that was a positive step. I don't like this. Okay, that's good. Good. Good to notice. And then we're talking at the date, and it just felt so superficial to me. Felt like I couldn't get a sense of her. We couldn't, you know, And I'm a guy who likes to go deep. And it doesn't have to be like, tell me about your childhood, but just like, we talk about our experiences. Not just like, I went here and did that and did this. It's more like, I went here and here's what I thought about it, or here's what I felt about it, or just a little more of, like, the person in there. And if you want to really understand how to do this on a deep level, bring this out to people. Check out my program, the Confidence Code, because I talk about the layers of levels of connection and how to go deeper with people quickly. Anyway, so I'm trying to do this with her, and it just felt like I'm hitting these walls. And so we hung out, and I was just like, I don't like this. This isn't right for me. And that was a huge step for me to be able to see that. And then we didn't see each other anymore. So I remember I started dating and tuning into what I wanted more and more and more. Then I started dating Candace. That's a whole long story, which maybe one day I'll tell you in depth, but it was a really messy situation in the fact that she was ending a relationship of 10 years when we were getting together. And I remember I was in the men's group at the time, still at that time, which was very helpful for me. And a number of the guys in there were like, dude, what are you doing? This is gonna be a mess. This is a train wreck. You shouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who's just leaving a relations, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And there was one guy in the group who I loved who was just like, you know what? I think if there's anyone who can handle it, you can. And you'll be able to figure out what's right for you. I was like, thank you. Hell yeah. Cause I was telling the guys in the group, I was like, look, I know, I know it's not the optimal situation, but with this woman, I'm gonna go for it. Because she's just, it's that worth it. Like there's. I have never found anyone like this. And so, you know, even though it's not the ideal conditions, I'm gonna go for it. I'm gonna trust in my capacity to have boundaries and navigate and figure it out. And that's what I did. And so there was all kinds of conversations we had to have. You know, I remember I talk about this in not nice as well. Like at one point I was gonna help her move out of her old house and I got there and I was like, this is way too up in your business. Like there's all this stuff surround. I just feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna go. And in the past, I never would have done that. I would have been like, you gotta be a good boyfriend. Or I don't even know if we were boyfriend girlfriend at that point. But you gotta be a good guy and help her out, you know, be the most attractive best man. And also you better have a really good reason to say no. Not just like, this doesn't feel right for me, but I just said that and I did it and then I left and I felt guilty and self critical afterwards. But that's okay. I talk about that in not nice as well. Like the process of doing this is not that you take the risk or do something new or practice the uncomfortable step and then you feel great afterwards. You might actually have what I call the post, speak up, freak out where your mind goes, that was terrible. And tries to get you back into your nice person ways. But if you withstand that, then, and I call this discomfort tolerance. If you can build your discomfort tolerance and you can withstand that, then you do it. You practice a new behavior. You sustain that choice even though it's uncomfortable. And it gets easier and easier and easier and easier to say no to the things that you want and have. Like, you know, the ultimate goal is to have these like, very skillful boundaries. And that's what I've been doing more and more. It starts becoming like you're like a, you know, like a black belt or something, or you just do. If you watch someone who's a real masterful fighter or martial artist, they do a lot of moves and it looks sort of effortless, it looks very subtle what they do, whereas someone's new, you know, I remember I studied a martial art for just a very short period of time, and I'd be like, I'd be like tensing every muscle in my body. And the guy kept on telling me during the group, you know, lessons we were doing is just kind of like, relax everything. Like, you don't, you don't need to tense like your left toe to throw a punch. It's like, yes, I do. Right. And as you get more masterful, you just set more fluid boundaries. And that's really what the ultimate goal is. Just. You want to do this? No. Yes. I'm going to speak up now. Hey, I don't like this, or hey, we need to talk about this. And it's just more and more fluid, and that's the ultimate goal. And as I was able to do that, I was able to create an extraordinary relationship with Candace. And I mean, this is something that I could go on and on about. And I do talk about it. We cut explore it a lot more in the unlimited dating and relationship confidence weekend where Candice teaches some of that with me. But deep love is possible no matter where you are. If you're willing to do what it takes and learn and find your path on this journey. And it might be very similar to mine and learning these skills that you need to learn, it's extraordinary what you can create. And it doesn't matter what your past is, it doesn't matter what your childhood is. It doesn't matter what your past relationships were or you've been divorced a couple times, it doesn't matter. Because you're not fixed, you're learning and growing and you can learn whatever it is you need to do and you can heal whatever you need to heal. So if you had a fucked up childhood where there was no love and abuse and criticism and you're like, well, obviously I can't love because I'm all wounded inside, you can heal that. You've probably got some work to do. And if you haven't addressed that and you've ignored that stuff and you say childhood stuff doesn't matter, look at your relationships, if they're all doing great and you feel fantastic, well, then maybe you're fine. But if there's problems and you have a hard time connecting with intimacy, you just need to heal that stuff up. Go into some therapy and do some depth work. Go do some self therapy with journal every day on stuff. I mean, there's tons of guides and ways to get yourself there. Do what you need to do. If you want to learn more about breaking through some of the nice guy or nice person habits, check out my book, not nice. Want to go deeper, get involved in some of the programs I have, or even work with me in the mastermind something. You know, whatever work you need to do, do it. And you can create something extraordinary in your life. And that's what I found for myself. And now, I mean, my relationship with my Candace, with my wife Candice, is like, consistently this source of deep love, support, connection, joy. Like I cannot think of. I mean, just a date together, which is, you know, more rare as we have little kids, but whether it's an official date where we have someone watching the boys or, you know, the kids are asleep and we should be getting to bed because we need to get our sleep, but we're just up at night talking. Like, that connection has been there from the very beginning and has not only not wavered, but just deepened. And that totally. That's a whole nother perspective shift that I had because when we first got together and decided we wanted to be together, and I was like, I'm scared. I'm scared because relationships, you know, it's not just about what I'm capable of, because I believe at that point, I started to believe that I could, but it was like, this isn't about me or you. This is about relationships in general. Like, relationships all turns out to shit. That was another idea I had. Now, whether that's, you know, because people fight or because they just lose interest in each other, they get tired of each other, they get distant from each other. And that was just a template that I had. You know, looking at my family and other families growing up, it's like, you know, yeah, they're companions, but there's not an emotional depth there. There's not a passion there. There's not an energy there. It's not like what you would call love there in terms of the romantic love. And then I learned that that's not true at all. That if you're. The reason that that fades for people is because they. Because of a lack of courage, they're unwilling to have difficult conversations. They're unwilling to be Vulnerable, they're unwilling to do their own personal growth work, to keep growing and not taking things personally and be able to actually hear their partner. And there's a whole ton of stuff there. That's what we talk about in the. The weekend, the dating and relationship weekend. But in any case, it absolutely is possible. And now not only do I know that for myself now, but I know that that's true for anyone who's willing to do what it takes. So I hope this has inspired you on your path, whether you want to create a relationship one day or you're in a relationship and you want to break through. And I could go on and on for hours with stories from clients in their lives, how their relationships, those who are already married or in long term relationships just had a total transformation of them, not even with their partner doing growth work, but they themselves coaching with me or working on this stuff and watching how the way they showed up transformed and the depth in the relationship, the love in the relationship changes and deepens and grows. So there's just so much possible, and it's so cool when you get to the other side of one of these identity shifts because you look back and you're like, wow, wow. All the stuff that I thought was not capable or obtainable is right there and here it is in my life. And you can just feel a lot more gratitude. So whether that's already happened for you in your life and you do have an incredible love in your life, then let's all tune into being more grateful for that as much as we can. And not taking that for granted or if you want that, may this episode serve you in banishing the doubt and despair and help you realize that it is possible. And you just got to find your way. You got to find your path, you got to do your work and keep going. You will transform. As you've heard my journey, sometimes some of these things take years. And when we're hurting, we don't want to hear that. We're like, no, no, no, shut up and give me the pill. But there is no pill. But there is hope. There is a way out. There is transformation. And that I can give you with absolute fucking certainty that if you're willing to do what it takes, you will transform. Time is the great mystery, though. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.