If It’s Uncomfortable, Do It

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. How are you today? How are you doing? Are you feeling excited about life, excited about your future, about what you got going on today, this week, this month? Or maybe feeling kind of neutral, sort of bleh. Or maybe feeling discouraged. Maybe you're feeling frustrated, maybe you're feeling like, ah, the same shit keeps happening every day. And I stuck and I can't break free. Something's wrong with me. And wherever you are, that's okay. Welcome. You're in the right place because I think that as we can grow in our confidence, which is all about what we're doing here, breaking free of patterns that make us feel anxious, self critical, self doubting and to really show up more boldly, more fully, more freely to, then life just gets a lot better. It doesn't mean you don't have ups and downs or challenges or things that come out of left field and mess with you or cause fear or anything like that. But it just means that in general, you feel more powerful in your life. You feel more capable. You feel like you can actually enjoy the things that are going well because maybe you already have some things that are going well. Maybe you're in a great relationship or maybe you have a great job, maybe your health is good right now. And yet when we're, when we're stuck, when we're feeling trapped, when we feel like we just can't be comfortable in our own skin and just be ourselves in certain situations, then it's just hard to appreciate that stuff. So my goal here for this episode, and really for all episodes in this show is for you to get to that place of more confidence, more freedom, and ultimately being more of you. And today is really going to help you with that. And today, in fact, is actually, I think, the most direct path to you being you. And the title of this episode is if it's uncomfortable, do it. And that's what we're going to talk about today. If you're enjoying the show, please go to itunes or wherever you found it and give it a great five star review. That would be awesome. I'd much appreciate that. And you can also go to shrinkforthyguy.com and check out show notes there, any links to things that I mentioned in the episodes as well as ask me a question. You can send me a message through there, either audio or like an email. And I get those and I can answer those. And you know, if you have a question for me, you can get my unique perspective on it in an Ask the Shrink bonus episode which we have semi regularly now. So check that out@shrinkforthshyguy.com if it's uncomfortable, do it. So what do I mean by that? Well, basically we have a pattern as humans to want to steer away from or avoid what's uncomfortable. Freud saw this a million years ago when he looked at that people want to avoid pain and they want to experience pleasure. And that hasn't changed. So you know, discomfort is a form of pain, maybe mild, maybe intense. But you know, just look at it. In our physical body we'd prefer to be at rest often, you know, and just exerting ourselves or running hard or lifting heavy weights. There's a part of us that's like, ugh, let's just sit here on the couch, it's easier. And let's say the same thing that's true for emotional discomfort as well. Awkwardness, anxiety, fear, sadness, Any, any feeling that's uncomfortable, we don't want to feel it. In fact, think about this right now. In your life, what are some things that make you uncomfortable? Maybe think about your work life, interacting with certain people, speaking up in certain ways. What about in your dating life or your love life? Maybe you're in a relationship, maybe not. So there'll be different things. Perhaps certain conversations with your partner, things you avoid talking about with them. Or maybe if you're single, approaching someone having a conversation, going out on a date, what are the specifics? What are some instances that make you uncomfortable and maybe socially too? Going to a party, gathering with a group of friends. Good. So just noticing, thinking of those things, getting a few things in your mind. Now let me ask you this, those things that you came up with, are you doing them, Are you avoiding them? Now for most of us, if there's things that are uncomfortable, we tend to avoid them. We try to kind of steer our day. It's like we navigate our day by trying to avoid as many of those things that are uncomfortable as possible. It's like an obstacle course. When I was a kid, there was an arcade in our town in Scotts Valley, which is right near Santa Cruz, California. And it was called Special Effects. And it was like a full on arcade, you know, dark in there, with tons of video games and tickets you could get to purchase, you know, trade them in for whatever cheap plastic shit you could get. And there's a game there Called Tugboat that apparently I loved as a little kid. And I would just play it for hours when I was there. And you're just. It's like a little tugboat scrolling up the screen through a river and you're just kind of dodging logs and other boats, I suppose. I don't know. And I just remember playing that non stop. Wanna play any other games? No. Tugboat.

Tugboat.

And that's kind of how we move our lives. We're just kind of navigating and dodging all these things that make us uncomfortable. And we do it unconsciously, we do it habitually without much thought. And if someone's like, hey, do you want to do that thing we say, nah, I'm not really comfortable doing that. I just, I just don't feel comfortable doing that. And that's our reason. That's like reason enough for most people. Just notice. Do you do that? What are the kinds of. What are you avoiding right now? That's because it's uncomfortable. Good. Now that you have that, let's help shift that. So stay tuned. We're gonna take a quick break. Although now maybe part of you is like, oh shit, I'm gonna do it. I'm done listening to this episode. Screw this. No, but stick with me because this can transform the course of the rest of your life. Because when you get this, I was working with a client. This is what made me want to record this episode. I was working with a client and he started doing this and he very much articulated what I'm gonna share right when we get back from the break. An alternative stance rather than avoiding these things. And I realized he was getting it. And I was like, oh shit. That's the same thing that I did a number of years ago. That I still continue to do this to this day. And it leads to incredible results in life. So I want to share this with you. Stay tuned. It's going to set you free. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So we avoid things that are uncomfortable. We already covered that one. What can we do instead? Well, the key breakthrough happens when we make this shift. When you notice something that's uncomfortable and instead of it being a sign to avoid it, that's a sign that is guiding you towards exactly what it is that you need to do. Seems simple, but I'm going to say it again because it's very. Our unconscious habits want to do the opposite of that. So I'm going to say it again just to make it really reinforce and make it super clear there's something that you're uncomfortable about, that is the sign to go do it. So if there's a conversation that you want to have with someone and you're uncomfortable, that's a sign to go have the conversation. If there's someone that you're attracted to and you want to approach them but that makes you uncomfortable, that's a sign to go approach them. If when you're talking to that person you're noticing that you're really appreciating something about them or want to give them a compliment and that makes you uncomfortable, that's a sign to do it. So it's not just guiding you once or twice. It's moment to moment, guiding you and showing you exactly what it is that you need to do next in order to build your confidence. And this is something that I consciously decided I was going to do. And it really comes back to that book you may have read called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. But the whole point of that book is do the stuff that scares you to get to the results that you want. Now, I thought that was like, oh, do a few uncomfortable things so they're not uncomfortable anymore. And then soon, soon you'll. I'll stop being uncomfortable. And there's some truth in that. But not if you want to keep growing. Because once you reach a certain level, like, oh, now I can approach women, or oh, now I can speak up in groups, there's going to be another level. And to get to that other level, you're going to have to be uncomfortable again. And you can kind of approach it in two different ways. You can be like, oh man, that's bullshit. I don't like that. I don't want to do that. And you can kind of resist it and fight it, or you can say, oh, I guess that's how life is. Like, if I really want to thrive in life, that's how it works. And if I want to suffer in life and, you know, be okay getting by but not really alive and really happy, then I'll avoid all the things that make me uncomfortable. And that's true on a physical level too. Like if you avoid discomfort and you don't work out and you don't, you know, you don't run because it's hard and you don't lift weights because that's uncomfortable, and you don't do any sort of workouts because it's hard and don't like the way I don't like to exert myself, then you'll have consequences later on, right? If not already. And it's the same thing socially and interacting with others. If we avoid those things, we will have consequences. We'll be lonelier. We won't have the friend group groups that we want. We won't have the depth of relationship that we want. We won't have a quality relationship with a partner. We'll either have no relationship or we'll have a distant relationship that's more fantasy or more looks good on the outside but doesn't really feel fulfilling. There's a lot of those out there. Maybe you're in one right now. And the sign, those are all signs, those are all symptoms of avoiding discomfort. And so we need to increase our discomfort tolerance. We need to be willing to move into it again and again and again and again. One of my teachers, Rich Litfin, who I've learned a ton from, he says that he finds his direction, his next step by walking a line between, you know, on one side is what excites him and on the other side of that line is what scares him. And it's like a tightrope and he's walking right down it. And when we do that, that's how you achieve extraordinary results. And here's the thing, the rate at which you can do that really determines the rate that you get results. So if you're like, well, I'll do that one uncomfortable thing now, but then I don't want to do that again for another three weeks. Well, that's better than, I guess totally avoiding it. But you see how that's gonna set you up for a very slow pace. But when you start to seek out those opportunities, like a heat seeking missile, you're looking for those discomfort opportunities. And then you go into them and you kind of dive into them, willing, and you're saying, oh, there we go. Oh, there's another one, oh, there's another one. And you just keep doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it. That's when you start to get momentum, that's when you start to get rapid progress. And I'm continually looking for this. I mean, just recently, I was at a live event, and it was, I don't know, decent group of people, maybe like 60, 70 that were there. And I remember I got in, I didn't know anybody, and I was invited by the person who was running it, and he was teaching, and he asked a question, and he had wanted to have a few people share why they were there. And I was like, oh, a room full of 70 people. I just got here. I don't know anybody. I noticed the idea of raising my hand caused my heart to start beating in my chest. And I was like, oh, well, there's a sign. Then, bing, up goes my hand. That's a sign to do it. Because I felt uncomfortable. It's like one of my good friends Ben Allen, says, fear is an invitation. Fear is just an invitation to go do that very thing that scares you. What would that be like in your life? What if fear were an invitation for you? What would you do? What would you do? Like tonight or tomorrow? How would your life be different if you consistently started to do what scared you? You know, daily looked for those opportunities to be uncomfortable and then took them again and again and again and again. What could transform and how quickly could it transform? Worth thinking about. We're going to take a quick break, and then when we get back, I'm going to answer a few of the common responses or things, you know, challenges that come up when I say this. Some of the things that might get in the way or trip you up. And then we're going to close it out with an action step. We'll be right back right after this.

Oh. Enter if you must.

Greetings, nerd king.

Word of your wisdom has traveled far across the land. I have come to seek your counsel.

A brilliant idea on your part, obviously. Hail, weary traveler. I am at your service, but make haste. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps a Mountain Dew, Code Red? Or a vodka and Red Bull?

Thank you, good sir.

Now hurry. What is your ailment?

Well, there's a woman, and I've known her for months. She works on the third floor of my building. I see her once per day, just for a few minutes. We exchange hello. But I want to say so much more to her. For, you see, I love her, and I want to tell her this.

No, no, no. This is all so tawdry. You must play your hand more wisely than this.

Really. Well, this is why I sought your council, good nerd king. What should I do?

Hmm. Well, first, you must place A mana card, perhaps an island or swamp. Then on turn two, you must place another land. And then a two drop. Do you have any two drops with flying?

I. I'm not sure I follow.

Then. Oh, and now. This is brilliant. After all, I just thought of it. Then on turn three, only play a lad. Don't play any creatures. She will think you've run out of steam. But then on the next turn, you play your five. Five, four drop. Ember. Beasta Dragon. She won't know how to contain herself.

Nerd king. Are you talking about real life?

Of course, you fool. I've used this method to slay hundreds of maidens.

But I don't want to slay. I don't understand. What do I say to her the.

Next time that I see her?

I believe I have already answered that question. You must play an island or a swamp. It's quite simple, really. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some serious camping to do on my favorite modded Counter Strike server. It's in Belgium. You know, the ping is a little high. The lag is tolerable. Good hunting to you.

Need real advice on what to say to that woman that you're really drawn to but haven't spoken to yet. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to find out exactly how to do this. From a place of authenticity, being yourself, and truly feeling confident in who you are. Go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com now. Hey, welcome back. So you've been thinking about this idea. I've been introducing it to you to think about the areas in your life that make you uncomfortable and then to see that as an invitation. So adopting the mentality, if it's uncomfortable, that's a sign to go do it. That's guiding me to my next step. And that's something that I've been doing for years. I still do it to this day. So I remember a number of years back, I was very scared to host live events, and so that was a sign that I needed to start hosting live events. And then I was uncomfortable before then to create a group program. And that was a sign to create a group program. And in some ways, that's what guides me to do my next step. So right now, one of the things I'm working on is building a larger team, because there's way more people that want to work with me than I can work with people. And I don't want to just keep turning people away. And so I actually have coaches that I'm working with now. And people that can talk to people who are interested to see what might serve them, and kind of building out a larger team so collectively we can help more people. That's uncomfortable for me, though, to be managing people and hiring people and figuring all that stuff out and holding accountability and knowing when someone's not a good fit and all that stuff. That's. That's a lot of. And letting go of the control of it. Like, I know what I would do with all the people I talk to, but now I have to train and trust this person that they're gonna do a great job with, this person that they're gonna talk to. And so all of that is my own edge. And that's a sign that I need to do it. And that's kind of guiding me continuously to this day. So it's like, what's next? Well, I don't know what makes me uncomfortable, because I know that doing it will make me grow, will help me progress much further and faster in becoming the person that I'm meant to be, and will ultimately help me live out my purpose. It's kind of guiding me step by step. Now, sometimes when people hear this, they're like, yeah, that sounds good. And intellectually it makes sense, but so is that happening for you? And if so, what is your but? One of my favorite teachers is Sean Stephenson, and he has a great book called get off youf Butt. But that's kind of the biggest thing that blocks us is, like, my butt. And one of the ones I hear a lot is, yeah, I want to do it. I want to do what's uncomfortable, but I just can't. I wanted to go talk to that person, but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Can't. Couldn't. Can't. Not possible. And that's what we're saying to ourselves. We're saying it's not possible. And that's complete and total bullshit. Because we can. If we were. If we were being fully accurate with our language, we'd say, well, I could go do that. But the. I do not want to experience. I am not willing to experience the emotional discomfort that I might feel doing that. So I'm not going to. That's a hell of a lot more honest, hell of a lot more accurate. So the question is, when someone says, I want to, but I just can't, I would say, do you really want to? Maybe part of you is convinced that you should, but you might not really want to. You might not be at a high level, a level five of commitment, willing to do whatever it takes. You might, just might not be there. And that's okay. That's okay if you're not there right now, but just be honest about that, too. Yeah, I want it, but I'm not that committed. That sounds. That's a lot of work. Just like you might want a certain level of fitness or a certain body, but you're not that committed to getting it. But I would want it. Sure. Maybe it's that level. I want it without the effort, or maybe I'll try a little, But I don't want to put too much in. And here's the thing. If you're saying, no, no, Aziz, I really want to do it. But going up and approaching that person or speaking up in that meeting, I just freeze up. It's just too intense. I just can't. Well, in that case, I'd say, okay, if it's really true, if you really committed, what's your creative solution? Because if we're really, really committed to something, we'll find a creative solution. I remember I worked in a rehab clinic. This was called hvrp, Homeless Veterans Rehabilitation Program. And these guys, in order to be involved in there, had to be homeless and addicted to some drug that was a requirement to get in. And vets, obviously. I did some training there for a year. And what was fascinating is these guys, you know, had a big sign on the wall when you came in that said, I create what happens to me. And one of the parts of the rehabilitation was trying to help these guys and gals. There's a few women in there, too, helping them see that they were owners in their lives and not victims, because so many of them had victim stories. And whenever those stories would come up, they'd kind of be caught. You know, they'd say, point them out and bring you back to a place of ownership. And I remember one guy was kind of talking about how there was this problem with this one other person, and he couldn't solve it, and it was their fault, and it was this person's fault. And I remember one of the counselors there said, this is, you know, you don't have a solution. You can't solve this problem. The guy's like, no, I can't. He's like, huh? When you were addicted to heroin and you ran out and you didn't have any money, did you find a way to get more heroin? And the guy's like, yep, Damn right. And that was this counselor's way of pointing out that when you really want something, you Find a way. So what's your creative solution if it's you just can't go do that? You know, one thing that I like to ask people is like, well, what's the two pound weight like? If walking up to that beautiful stranger and starting a conversation, or standing up in front of the executive team of eight people and giving a powerhouse presentation, if that shit makes your legs quiver and that's too intense, that's okay. Maybe that's a 50 pound weight. Maybe that's a 30 pound weight. If you can't lift that right now, that's okay. You don't want to attack yourself or you're not a terrible person or something. It just means, well, what's your two pound weight? Are you lifting that daily? And then can you go up to 3 pounds or 5 pounds or 10 pounds? Right. And you work your way up. So what's the two pound weight of that? Well, maybe that's just walking on the street and saying hi to some people, not even women or someone you're attracted to. Just anyone. Maybe that's talking with some colleagues or co workers one on one at work. Maybe that's speaking up in meetings where there's no big wigs around and it's just you and three or four other people, but you just start speaking up. And that's easy. It's a two pound weight or a five pound weight, just a little uncomfortable. But that's how you'll find your way to those higher levels. In fact, that brings us to our action step for today.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to do it. Find what's uncomfortable and go do it. And there's different levels of this. You can do the two pound weights that we were talking about earlier to start making a habit of doing little things that are uncomfortable. Or you can find a few big things that you've been putting off. That conversation with your wife, that conversation with your husband, that conversation with your boss, that asking for a particular raise, that difficult. You know, maybe you need to let an employee go something those uncomfortable. You know, maybe you need to ask that person that you work with why every time you come in, they seem to have a grimace on their face and you wonder if they're upset with you, maybe that would make you uncomfortable. So that's one option. And then the third level, if you want to go all out, if you really want to create an extraordinary level of confidence in yourself, it would be to adopt the mentality. If it's uncomfortable, that's a sign to do it. And this client I was talking to, he just pointed out like, yeah, this week he had a conversation with a coworker. He had a conversation with a woman that he was friends with. They sort of dated a number of months ago and now they just talk on the phone as friends. She's in a different city. He shared things he liked about her and appreciated about her. He also shared some feelings he had from one of the times they were hanging out months ago that he was kind of hurt or upset by some things she did. He shared all that. He had a much more open conversation with his kids who were teenagers. Kind of revealed some more of his own, took down the wall of perfection and shared a little bit more about his own challenges when he was younger and their age. I mean, this guy was just on a rampage. This was like in a 10 day period.

So.

And you can do that too. There's nothing stopping you from doing that. And if you do that, man, your life changes in big and fascinating and powerful ways quickly. So choose your own adventure on that front. Whatever it is, you're on the right path if you just start leaning into your edge and doing what's uncomfortable. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidences Center.com.