This YouTube video (transcript) by Dr. Aziz explains the habit of 'over-responsibility'—feeling personally responsible for other people’s emotions—and why it is harmful. He defines the pattern, offers a simple separation/breathing practice to relinquish others’ emotional burdens, and directs viewers to his book Not Nice and his program Confidence University for deeper work.
Do you take on too much responsibility for other people's feelings? This is an extremely common habit of people that are nice, good people, conscientious people, pleasing people. And I absolutely relate to this. It's something I've worked with a lot in my life. I talk about it a lot in my book Not Nice, which you may have read. And I want to share a little bit more in this video about how you. You can let go of that, what I call over responsibility. So real quick, let me define it in case you don't know what it is. Over responsibility is when you feel personally responsible for everyone else's feelings around you. That person's sad, ooh, I gotta take care of them. That person's upset, oh, I've probably done something wrong. That person wants something from me. I better make sure I meet that demand. And we're very emotionally reactive to everyone else's feelings. And we feel like we got to get everyone to neutral, happy, please, or else we're not safe, we're not okay, and we're not a good person. We feel guilty, we feel anxious, we feel unsafe and unsettled inside. That is over responsibility. And if you know what I'm talking about, you know how debilitating this can be, how much it can affect you in all different areas of life, and how much it can, like, create this residue where you leave a situation, and instead of just feeling done with it and on to the next thing, you're like, oh, I'm holding onto it. Oh, I feel so bad about that. Oh, that person's gonna be so mad at me. Oh, I should do this. I should. You know what I'm talking about. So we live in that world. So here's what I'm going to suggest for you is let go. It's okay to let go of taking care of everybody else. And here's the thing. Our mind says no, I know that sounds reasonable, but it's bad. It's a bad thing to do. And we might, you know, kind of globally agree with it. Like, oh, yeah, that sounds like a good philosophy. But then when it comes down to me with this person right over there on Tuesday, no, I can't let that go. I feel like I owe them something. What if you don't owe anyone anything? What if you really don't? Can you just sit with that for a moment? What if that's true? Maybe take a breath. So the other day, I was noticing I was taking over responsibility for somebody, and I have a very. I'm so familiar with what it feels like. And I was just tuning into it, and it's, like, tight and heavy, and I was just imagining, okay, here's me and here's this person. How am I holding things in my awareness that I just feel it so much, and it almost feels like I bring that person and their entire life and all their feelings and all their history and their upbringing and all their problems and all their dreams and desires and goals, and I bring them into my body, and I'm like, okay, all right. These are my problems. These are my responsibilities. These are my dreams. I have to make sure all of them happen now. Barf. In fact, that's actually what I want to do. And I really tune into it. I'm like, I want to let that go. So are you doing that? Are you, like, taking them in? Can you feel it? It's almost energetically, like, bringing them in. And again, maybe that feels like a good thing to do. Maybe that feels like love. But you got to separate that. That is not love. That's codependence. That's over responsibility. That's eating you up inside. How many people can you take in and just carry on your back? One is overwhelming. Look, you got your own life, your own history, your own challenges, your own dreams, your own desires. And here's the thing. You can actually give so much more to other people when you're not burdened energetically and emotionally by this over responsibility. So, case in point, I was noticing what was happening with that person, and I was just like. I took a breath in and put my hands out. I was like, no, lovingly, like, putting them out a little bit. Like, that's not my thing. That's their own life, their own story, their own history. I'm just a character in their life. I'm gonna do what I can. And it's really okay. And it's okay. Here's a big one. It's okay for you to feel light, free, joyous, and happy, even if someone else is sad, even if someone else is struggling, even if someone else is upset with you for something that they said that you did. How dare I blasphemous to the cult of niceness? But it's true. And it's such a better way to live. So I did that, like, separation, kind of like, look, I'm not responsible for this person. It's okay. And literally later that day, I was interacting with this person, and I just felt, like, lighter. And I was so much more present, so much more available, so much more loving. Now I don't know if they noticed it or not, but I noticed it versus when you're bringing them in and carrying them on your back. Part of you is kind of resentful about that. You're like, ugh, I gotta go interact with that person. All right, here I go, right? You're heavy, your energy's low. Take another full deep breath in. You have permission. It's okay, it's safe. You're allowed to let go. It doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, it actually frees you up to be the person you're really meant to be. So this is a quick reminder, quick dose. If you want a full study of this, by all means, check out my book, Not Nice if you haven't already. And if you want to go even further with this and build the habits and practices and action steps, then you got to go check out my program, the Confidence University. Go to TheConfidenceUniversity.com and there you'll be able to learn about all the action steps, all the practices to really stop being so nice and much more boldly yourself. So I highly recommend that it's one of the best self studies on confidence you can do. It'll be a powerful year of your life to study that program and you'll never be the same again after you go through that. So highly recommend Confidence University and of course my book Not Nice. If you haven't read that and I look forward to sharing or reading your comments below. So please share. What are you finding most valuable? What have you seen about yourself with this pattern of niceness and over responsibility? Let's all support each other and grow together and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
