I’m Not Here To Please You

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Yo. Welcome to another episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is a show for you, even if you're a gal. And it's really for all of us to come together to learn how we can be more confident, how we can be more empowered, how we can believe in ourselves more and let go of doubt, social questioning of ourselves. Am I good enough? Was that good enough? Do they like me? Did I say that right? What will I do in this situation? All of the nervousness and fear and inner angst that we can have about just showing up in the world, whether it's socially or at work or in dating. I mean, all those things are social too, right? Work involves interacting with other people. Even if you're a solopreneur, you're probably going to be selling something or doing some interaction with some people once in a while, or maybe a lot of interactions with customers and clients and co workers and colleagues and supervisors and employees. And of course, in dating and relationships and interacting with a partner or a potential partner or someone you're dating and then his or her friends and their family. You know, it just goes on and on. We're always interacting with people. And this is the show for you if you want to learn how to be more and more boldly and freely and confidently yourself. And in the spirit of that, I want to share something with you today that I think is really going to serve you on that path. And by the way, if you want to go deeper with the show, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com all spelled out shrinkforthshyguy.com because there you can find information about the show, show notes, as well as the archives of every show that I've recorded. And we have quite a few at this point. But also, if you haven't done this yet, you got to go there to get a copy of my eBook, Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. Because this ebook contains all the information that I've learned over the last 14, 15 years of doing this from my own journey and then now working with thousands of people over the last however many years and condense that down to like these are the five steps that anyone must take to rapidly increase their confidence. Even if you have high confidence, this will get you higher confidence. And if you have low confidence, this will bring it up to the levels that you want and need to create the life that you want. So go there now. Shrink for the shy guy to get your copy. It's free and it's my gift to you. And I think you'll really benefit from reading it if you haven't done so already. So let's talk about how you can be more you. And the title of this episode is, I am not here to please you. Ooh. What do I mean by that? A little edgy, huh? Well, let's dive into it. I was talking with a client recently who noticed that he got nervous before meeting with a group of people. Maybe there'd be a lot of different groups and he'd kind of mill from one group to the next, or there'd be a lot of people he didn't know, but it could even be, like, invited to a friend of a friend's house, and there's going to be like 15 people there for a game or something. And he would feel nervous before that, too, if he didn't know that many people. Maybe it's something you can relate to. Well, as we were uncovering, like, what's going through your mind Beforehand, he was talking about how he felt this pressure. You know, am I going to do it right? Am I going to know what to say? Am I going to have the right thing to say? Am I going to be able to connect with people? What if I make jokes and they're not funny? What if I'm different than them? What if they say something, something, and I don't quite get what they mean? But underneath all those superficial fears about how it could go wrong, I could hear this current of, I want everyone there to like me. And the way that I'm going to get everyone there to like me is by pleasing everybody. That means finding out what everyone wants and trying to give it to them. That means holding back. If I'm not totally certain that what I'm going to say is going to be well received or that everyone's going to like it. That means not making any jokes because I don't want to offend anyone. That means not saying anything with too much force or certainty because maybe someone would feel intimidated by me, or maybe someone would challenge me and I wouldn't have the answer to their questions. And on and on and on. But the core root of it was, I gotta get everyone to like me. I gotta please everybody. And another form that it took was, you know, before he'd go out with a woman or he'd kind of engage with people out and about in the world, there'd Be this feeling of like, I gotta entertain them, I gotta entertain her. And when I heard that, I said, you know, that's synonymous with pleasing. I gotta please, I gotta entertain. Basically, it means I gotta do some sort of song and dance to make sure that you like me. Is this something you can relate to? I know it's something that I lived with for years and something I can still fall back into if I'm not. If I'm. If I'm nervous before interacting with people, it's usually some version of this. And my guess is that's gonna be the case for you now. I've been fortunate to not live that. And then. So when I see it happening, I'm like, ugh. Looks like I must be wanting to please or get approval here. But there was a time in my life where I lived that every day. So I never even saw it. It's kind of like a fish in water, right? Like the fish doesn't know, oh, I'm in water. Well, who knows what a fish knows? But, you know, we don't. We tend to just. Only this becomes familiar. This is how it is. So you might not even be aware of it. But my sense is if you tune in and you think about what makes you nervous before interacting with new people and strangers, there's some version of I want them to like me. And there's a sense of, if they don't, that's bad, I'm bad, I'm not. Okay. So now if you look at that, we have no power in that situation now. My sense of worth and my value as a human, my lovability, you know, because when someone doesn't like us, when we feel like, oh, that was a stupid joke I made, people didn't laugh or, oh, I don't quite get what they're saying. And they asked me a question and I said something that didn't quite make sense and we feel bad, we actually feel shame. A core sense of, I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable, I'm not valuable. I'm not worthy of love and belonging. That shit's intense. And so now what can create that shame in you and in me is another person's temporary response. They temporarily don't seem to love what we're saying or that engaged in what we're saying.

And.

And then we crumple inside. And then it makes it so hard to interact socially because then we're trying to battle this, like, crushing feeling of like, ah, I'm no good. And we're trying to like we're swimming upstream then, and it's this current pushing us back that makes us want to hide and withdraw. And then we're trying to push through it and then you're trying to say, okay, how do I just stay in the moment? But then you're all in your head and you're feeling shitty. Have you been there? Then it just collapses and it implodes and we might flee or I gotta go check my cell phone outside and we run out. But there's a way out of this and it comes back to that core root of I'm not here to please you. So hopefully you're seeing a bit of yourself. Maybe it's all the time, maybe it's only in certain situations. Maybe with a boss or with someone you find attractive or intimidating or someone you wanna impress in your career, your field. But it shows up somewhere for you. I guarantee it shows up somewhere for all of us. And maybe it's showing up all the time, all day, every day. And if so, that's okay because, man, that's good to see because that's how you shift it. So we're going to take a quick break right now and when we get back we're going to talk about exactly that. How do we shift this? How do we break free? Stay tuned.

Do you want to rapidly change the way you see yourself? Do you want more confidence and better results in your life? If so, then you need to learn about cognitive rescripting. It's one of the most powerful tools that Dr. Aziz teaches. He is so adamant about everyone learning this life transforming tool that he is actually giving it away for free for a limited time. Go to www.confidenceunleashednow.com to claim your free copy of Dr. Z's new eBook and audio training program called Rewrite youe Three Steps to Triple youe Confidence.

Welcome back. So how do we shift this pattern? Well, it starts by how you show up. It starts by what you do. And even before you get to a situation where you're interacting with someone, and whenever it comes to changing a pattern, we have to bring some conscious attention to it. Our old patterns say for example, how do I get you to like me? I gotta please you so you're not offended. So everyone thinks I'm okay, and then therefore, I can feel okay. Those patterns, those are what you might call default patterns. You don't have to think about those, they just happen. They're things, they're patterns that we have run thousands of times to the point where that's just what we do kind of like, you know, a certain pattern of driving a car. There's probably a dozen things you do when you first sit down to drive that you don't even think about them. You know, the way you turn the key, the way you put it in, the way you grab the. It's an automatic or a stick. The way you adjust your mirror, what you look at, when you reverse. All that stuff usually is pretty unconscious. It just happens. But at first it has to be conscious. We have to focus on it. And then it becomes more habitual. So what we want to do is we want to shift our focus before we're going to go interact with anyone. And you want to remind yourself of the simple phrase, I'm not here to please you. It's not my job. My job is not to please anybody. And we'll talk more about that, like, what to do ahead of time. But first we gotta address this, because some part of you might be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kinda makes you sound like a dick, you know? Is that gonna make me some sort of selfish bastard? It's like, well, hold on a second. You know, Notice how we go to harsh judgment of letting go of pleasing, as if it's gonna make us a bad person. But that's what the programming says, right? If you don't please everybody, then you're not good. But it's not. None of that's true. The truth is that we want to let go of pleasing because pleasing never works. If you're going into an interaction where your intention is to please everybody, you're not gonna have a good time, guaranteed. You're not gonna have fun. You're gonna be anxious ahead of time while you're there, even if it's going well, you're like, oh, God, it's going well. Okay, how do I maintain this? Oh, now it's not going well. You know, it's like you're kind of on thin ice. The. And not only are you not having a good time, but you're not as compelling to others because they can on some level, even if it's just energetic, they just get this sense of you kind of being like a. Like a wimpy, sort of like a little bendy reed. Like, oh, do you want me to go this way or that way? I'll go whichever way you want. And even if we don't say it, we're not that obvious about it. And energetically, that's what's coming off of us. And there's no solidity to us. There's no, like, oh, there's that other person. I can feel them over there. And they don't feel you. And if it's a dating situation, they're not gonna be as attracted to you because they can't feel you. And they feel this kind of, like, disingenuous quality to you, which is, I'll be whoever you want me to be. And no one wants that. No one wants a pleaser. Sure. They want to be pleased, right? We want to have someone who fills us up and meets our needs and gives love to us. We all want that. But we don't want to be pleased. We don't want to have a pleaser doing it, because a pleaser isn't a real person. And we know there's a hidden cost to that of resentment, of them not really feeling empowered to be who they are. So we want to shift it. And the question is, well, what do we shift it to? If I'm not here to please you, what am I here to do? And that is a million dollar question, because I've worked with. I experienced this myself, and I see it happening in clients. This just happened the other day in one of our group calls in my Mastermind program. A guy was saying, like, he's lear about how much he's approval seeking all the time. And he was kind of trying to shift it. And he said, I don't even know what I would say and do in conversations. Everything I've done has been around is oriented to the other person. What do they want? What are they going to like? Is this okay? How do I, you know, the jokes I make, the topics of conversation, the questions I asked, everything. He's like, I don't even know who I am. And I said, that's a good thing. He was a little confused by that because he didn't feel good, but it is because he's letting go of this pleasing Persona. And that means when he's confused, it means he's about to discover something. He's about to learn something about himself. So what do we do instead? Well, here's one that works for me, and hopefully it works for you. I say, well, I'm not here to please you. I'm here to connect and enjoy myself. I'm here to connect and enjoy myself. Or shorthand is I'm here to connect and have fun. Enjoy myself or have fun. Whatever works for you. I'm here to connect and enjoy myself. Now, let's break that down because it can help you understand what I mean when I think of connect or Connection. What does that mean? Well, for me, it means that means I'm going to be who I am. And that means saying what comes to mind. Just kind of blurting stuff out without filtering too much, just being in the moment, saying what comes to mind. And for me, I'm pretty playful. I'm pretty funny. I used to say the word irreverent because I thought it was a good thing. And just the other day, I actually looked up the word irreverent in the dictionary, and it was like, basically making light of situations that should not be made light of. Now maybe you could say, well, you know, I think the example it gave was kind of like making jokes at a funeral or something. So I was like, well, maybe I'm not that far, but just not taking things so seriously, that's just part of who I am. When I'm at my best, I'm light, I'm playful. I'm just making jokes all the time, and I'm amusing myself as much as I am trying to amuse other people. And that's what I think of as showing up as who I am. That means saying things, being playful. It means asking the questions that I really want to ask. Because the other part of connecting is not only showing who I am, but it's being curious about who are you? Who are you really? What are you into? How do you see the world? What do you like? What do you don't like? What makes you tick? What excites you? Who are you? I want to know that, and I want to share who I am. And the reality is, some people, there's going to be a strong connection there. And some people, you're going to kind of pull out a few different strings and share a little bit, and they're going to share a little bit, and one of you is going to go, meh. And that's okay. That's natural. That's normal. That is the idea of, like, well, I got to just kind of be what they want me to be, and I'm going to contort myself in this way so then they'll like me. Well, you might be able to pull it off, but that's not you being you. And then now you have this weird relationship where you're trying to be what they want, but you're not actually enjoying it, and you're not actually connecting with them. And what are you good at? Why sustain that? Why not just be like, huh? Not the best fit. Let's move on. And the other part is to enjoy myself, to connect and to enjoy myself. Because, look, if it's not fun, you're not doing it right. I believe that in every area of life, and so much of what we do, whether it is, especially socially, like, if we're not enjoying ourselves, what the fuck are we doing? I'm here to interact, go to a party, and now I'm supposed to act in a way that I need to be in order to get people to like me. And I'm not having fun. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. To what end? Like, the purpose of life in this situation is to connect with other people, to enjoy myself. And I bring that actually beyond just a social setting. I want that to be on dates, and I want that to be at work, too. Some people might be like, no, work is a time where you get shit done. You don't have fun at work. It's like, well, the average person spending 40 hours or more there a week, I sure would want to enjoy that because that's a good chunk of my life. So we want to enjoy it, and there's so many different ways. In fact, let's take a quick break, and I want you to think about this during the break, and we're going to talk more about it when we get back. How do you enjoy it? What do you do when you're enjoying it, and what do you do when you're not enjoying it? Think on that. We'll take a quick break and be right back right after this.

Hey, what's up, J dawg?

Sup, wheezy?

Nothing. Hey, man, I just saw this video on YouTube from this pickup artist dude. He says he slept with 40,000 women.

Damn. I know.

He said, if you want to hook up, you have to make fun of women so they want you.

I can dig it. Word.

I'm gonna try it now with her. Check this out. Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing okay.

Cool, cool. Your shirt is really big.

It doesn't fit you very well. What a mean thing to say. Jerk.

Yeah, it looks like the kind of shirt a woman who is much fatter.

Than you are would wear. Get away from me.

Okay.

How'd it go, man?

Pretty good.

She talked with me for, like, 30 seconds.

Damn. That's a long time, man. Did you get her number?

Almost, but then she had to go.

Damn. Are you tired of pickup artist tactics and approaches that don't feel genuine? 30 days to dating Mastery teaches you proven confidence building principles to increase your confidence with women, all while being yourself. No manipulative tactics needed. Go to 30days to datingmastery.com to get your copy today. Okay. Welcome back. So did you think about that during the break? When you are enjoying yourself, whether it's at work, on a date, socially with your partner's family, whatever it is, what are you doing? How are you showing up? Think back to a moment where you've actually just really been having a good time. Not pretending to have a good time, I mean really enjoying yourself. What is it like? What are you focused on in those moments? And what are you like? Are you having an in depth conversation where you're connecting about something intellectual? Are you just having banter back and forth where you're just talking about nothing but it's kind of fun because there's a play element to it? Are you being silly? Are you being intellectual? Are you being curious? Is someone asking you questions? And you guys are kind of having a back and forth, what is it? What makes it enjoyable? Because you want to know that and you want to be able to pinpoint that because then you want to steer conversations, you want to realize that you have way more power then you might be giving yourself permission in conversations, in interactions at work with people most of the time because we're coming in with this pleasing mindset. We're like, whatever you want. I'm that bendy weed. Or I was going to say wimpy Reed. That bendy, wimpy weed read where you're like, I don't know, whatever you want, man. And instead being able to decide, well, I want to steer the conversation this way, I want to go that way. This is what I want to ask about and this is what I'm curious about. And here's an extremely valuable permission to give yourself if you haven't already done this, which is I answer the questions I want to answer and I don't answer the questions I don't want to answer. That's another extremely powerful if you want to remind yourself before interactions. I'm not here to please you. I'm not here to entertain you. I'm here to connect and enjoy myself or have fun. And I answer the questions I want to answer and I don't answer what I don't want to answer. And you don't have to do it in some weird aggressive way. I'm not going to answer that question, next question, but you just be skillful about it. So they start to ask you a question about your work, for example, when you answer it, and then they ask another one, and then ask another one, they ask another one and they're not interesting. Like, let's say if they were engaging questions and you were having a great time. Like if someone's asking engaging questions about your work or your life or your hobbies or whatever, you love it, don't you? You're like, yeah, this is the greatest conversation ever. It's all about me, and we love it. But if it's boring questions, if it's not engaging questions, if it's the run of the mill questions and you've answered it a thousand times, or it's too much detail about the nuances of your work or whatever, that's when you want to just jump in and playfully shift it. So I was working with one client who runs his own insurance business, and I was asking him what kind of questions he didn't like. And he's like, well, when someone starts to grill me on the details of a specific policy, should I go with this policy or that policy? And so once I heard a little bit, we came up with some responses such as, like, whoa, okay, getting super detailed. No more free insurance advice for you, not tonight. You gotta pay me for that. Or you gotta buy me a drink before I do that. Or kind of just playfully calling the person out. That's just one example of among a million. But just once you've given yourself the permission, you will find a way to shift and to steer the conversation. And that's going to help you enjoy it more. And similarly, the questions that you like invite more of those in. Answer enthusiastically. And you can also share information about the things that you like. So let's say you love to go water skiing, for example. But you know what? No one's gonna ask you about water skiing. Cause who freaking like that doesn't come up in conversation unless it's some rare instance you're not gonna meet someone at a party. And then you'll be like, hey, how's it going? Great. Hey, by any chance, do you go water skiing? And you're like, well, as a matter of fact, I do. It's not gonna happen that way. But they're like, hey, how's it going? I'm doing good. How about you? I'm doing all right. Yeah. How was your weekend? And then you say, oh, it was great. You know, I went out, I got a chance to go out onto the lake and we got my got on my water skis, which I love. Now you've brought some information in that you enjoy talking about that. Now they're going to pick up maybe not everyone, but those people that you're meant to connect with will pick up on it and you guys will have a more enjoyable conversation. So we're steering away from how do I please you and kind of just do whatever I think you want to? How do I show up? How do I share me what I'm interested in? How do I ask you about you and what I'm really interested in there too. And one last thing about this, it's okay to start ordinary when it comes to conversations. Sometimes people feel like I gotta ask really engaging stuff that no one has asked before. And then you're sitting there trying to think of something to say with someone new. You're like, I don't know. I don't know. It's really crazy. Engaging. Instead, just give yourself permission to start ordinary. Start, but then go deeper. So you might just be like, so what kind of work do you do? Ordinary question could be a boring question, you know, something that other people might ask too. That's okay, because then they say, oh, I work in. I'm an actuarial designer for insurance companies. Or they say anything. That was the first thing that came to my mind. Then if I don't know exactly what that job is, which most jobs, I don't exactly know what that is. I'll be like, whoa, that sounds impressive. Like, what does that actually mean, though? What do you do? And then I'll talk to them about that and then they'll say something. I'll be, great. So what is that? Usually they'll give a vague answer, like, well, I assess the data for this, this and that. Then I'll be like, wow. So like, okay, It's Monday afternoon, 1 o'. Clock. What are you doing sitting at a computer, talking on the phone. And I start to get a sense of their world. And then I go even deeper. And then I'll have some question that pops in my mind about interesting random questions about actuarial tables. Like, wow, when does the average person die? What time of day is it? Do they know that kind of stuff Now? I'm just riffing right now, but do you see how you can start ordinary and then follow your curiosity? In my program, the confidence code, which, if you want to become a conversation master, I highly recommend you check out go to yourconfidencecode.com. but in there I talk about following the fascination, which I was just giving some demonstrations thereof. But if you want to go way deeper, that's a way to do it. But the key thing here is where you come from and shifting it from pleasing to connecting to enjoying yourself. And when you do that, as you do that, your entire experience will transform. Now, before we go though, we got to end with your action step. Time for action. Your action step for today is to find a phrase. Whether it's I'm not here to please you or I'm just here to connect and have fun, or I'm going to answer the questions I want to answer and don't answer the questions that I don't want to answer. Or come up with a few of your own empowering phrases that get you out of pleasing and into you into a powerful version of you. Come up with one or two. Don't make it like 50 because then you're never going to remember them. Just come up with 1, 2, maybe 3, and then say them to yourself repeatedly before interactions. So before you go to if you go to work and you're gonna interact with like 10 people first thing in the morning, say it on your way to work. If you're gonna go to a cocktail party or a mixer or something, say it on the way to that. If you're gonna go on to do a date, say it on your way to the date. You get the point, right? So you say it before the interactions to kind of remind yourself and prime yourself to show up in that new, powerful way. It will help you reduce anxiety and just feel more permissioned to be you. So give it a shot. Let me know how it goes. You can always go to shrinkedfortheshyguy.com and send me messages about your progress, about things you' questions you have. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.