Bonus episode of the Ask the Shrink podcast ("I’m Scared To Get My Hopes Up") in which Dr. Aziz answers listener questions about applying practices from his book The Solution to Social Anxiety and coping with uncertainty during job-waiting periods. He encourages a listener (Marius) to extract and categorize mindsets and practical techniques from the book as a learning exercise and points another listener (Kevin) toward increasing tolerance for uncertainty, attending to bodily sensations, breathing, slowing down, and adopting an overarching guiding belief. He also mentions his video program Confidence Unleashed (confidenceunleashednow.com) as a more structured, interactive resource.
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And now it's time to Ask the shrink. Hey, welcome to this bonus episode of Ask the Shrink. This is a bonus episode where I'm just answering questions from listeners. So if this is your first episode, I'd suggest going and listening to another one. A full length episode where we go much more into depth. This question is from my boy Marius from Norway. He says, hey, Aziz, I bought your book the Solution of Social Anxiety and great work. I really love it. I've been applying the practical and mindset stuff in the book and really challenging myself. That is awesome to hear, Marius. That is my intention with that book. So I'm glad it's. I'm glad it's working for you. I'd be curious about specifics of what you're noticing and how it's shifting. Your question is, I'm wondering if it's possible if you could send me a list of all the practices separately shown in the book, both the mindsets and the practical techniques. Smiley face. So I'm answering this on the show because I've heard it from a few other people and my answer is, I think that's a phenomenal idea and I would encourage you to take that on because for me to go back through that book and compile that stuff sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I don't want to do that, but I would love that as a resource to be able to give out to people and you could be the man to create that. Marius, or anyone who's listening, if you read that book, going through it and like pulling out and typing up the core mindsets and practical techniques and kind of, you know, categorizing them is an extremely valuable task process because it's going to ingrain it so deeply that you're going to have that tool in your back pocket right when you need it. So, Marius, I would encourage you to do that. I think it will help you in your life. And for those of you who want kind of a more laid out, step by step practical approach, that's why I created my more in depth video training program called Confidence Unleashed, because that program guides you step by step and there's like videos and an interactive workbook where you have it all in a condensed fashion. So it's a different style of learning and it's a much more engaging and interactive type of learning. So if you want that next step, I think that would be a good thing that I would recommend. And you can find out more about that at confidence unleashed now.com confidenceunleashednow.com okay, next question is from Kevin. Kevin says, I listen to your podcast and I've read both your books. Awesome. They have literally changed my life. I am now more confident and love myself. That's awesome, man. I'm glad to hear that. Right now I'm interviewing for jobs and I find the waiting period after the interview can be stressful. One part of me is imagining myself succeeding in getting the offer, which I imagine feels good, while another part is saying, hey, don't imagine you'll succeed because when that rejection letter comes, you'll be even more hurt. It's kind of telling me to prepare for rejection. And I find this period of waiting affects my confidence and don't know how to handle it. Do you have any suggestions? That's a great question, Kevin. Yes, I do, because this is a pattern that I know very well and here's what I've discovered about it. Basically, we as humans like a sense of certainty. We like to know what's going to happen next. We like to have some predictability. We like to have some control, dammit. And unfortunately, the way life is set up, when we take risks, we don't know the outcome. Especially in this case with the job, you know, you're not going to hear back instantaneously, but there's tons of things like this. We put ourselves out there. There's moments in life where we're vulnerable, where we're impacted emotionally by the outcome of something and we don't have control and we just gotta wait. And that's an interesting place to be because you see what your mind does to try to get certainty. So it's uncertain. Is it gonna be a yes or a no? I don't know. But then our minds fill that void of uncertainty because it doesn't like it with certainty. And sometimes the certainty is you're awesome and you're gonna get it. And then other times the certainty is you suck and it's not going to happen. Don't get your hopes up. Now, both of those scenarios are giving you a sense of certainty temporarily. One feels good, one feels shitty. Most people spend most of their time in the predicting it's not going to work. So don't get your hopes up. And the problem with that is, well, it affects your confidence up until you find out you feel bad and then if it doesn't work out, you feel bad. And we're just kind of. We don't weather those storms very well. So one thing that I think can really help you and has really served me is be much, much more willing to embrace uncertainty. To be like, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how it's going to go. I'm going to find out. And then noticing what, that. What uncomfortable. Where is that discomfort? Where is that angst that I feel about not knowing, about being uncertain? For me, it's often in my chest. Like, I get this kind of squeezing feeling. Like, no. Or maybe it's in my solar plexus, which is right above your stomach and below your chest, kind of right in the middle of your body there. And it's this squeezing. It's like, no, I gotta control. I gotta make it happen just by squeezing my guts. And it doesn't work right. We're not controlling anything. We're just tensing up our bodies. So you want to find where that tension is, and you want to breathe and you want to open to uncertainty. Like, see the value, the great, tremendous value in uncertainty and just not knowing and being able to reside in that place. Because the more you can build your tolerance to reside in uncertainty, the better off you are in life. Because everything about growing your confidence and becoming the person you want to be is going to be about taking risks. And what's inherent in a risk is you don't know the outcome. So is that person gonna want to talk to me? Is that person gonna say yes when I ask them out or when I ask them to marry me? You know, is that job? Are they gonna. There's getting the job and then there's, like, showing up and like, if I share this idea in a meeting, if I challenge that person, if I showcase my skills here, to develop, to grow, to get promoted, to start my own business, whatever it is, all risk, all uncertainty. So I'd say increase your uncertainty tolerance. Be able to reside in that. Find a way to sit in the uncertainty and just bring yourself right back. When your mind's like, it's not gonna work out, be like, yeah, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how it's gonna go. And one other thing that can really help with this is having some overarching belief system that you've chosen that allows you to hang out in uncertainty. For me, it's the belief that in some way, shape or form, I'm guided, that life is happening for me, that things unfold for my best benefit, even if in the short term I don't get what I want, that I'm guided in some fashion. And for you, I mean, that depends on your beliefs, your spiritual beliefs, your beliefs about life that can be just Like a self directed thing. Like if you're an atheist or an agnostic, you could be like, look, I'm going to use whatever life brings me to grow. So it puts it all in your court. I, I personally found much more freedom and liberation by just handing it over to something which is way bigger. The great mystery that I don't quite understand. Some people call it God. It's like, look, I am guided in some fashion, some form. I always have been when I look back, and I always will be. So things are unfolding for me and I can relax and I can trust in that. And one final thought about all this. It's not a heady thing. Tuning in and relaxing into uncertainty, feeling like you're guided. That comes when we slow down, get out of our heads, bring attention to your body, breathe, feel, meditate, go for a walk, do something that allows you to slow down and get out of your head. Because just verbally saying that stuff in our heads, in our frantic heads, doesn't produce the shift like slowing down does. So, lengthy answer to your question, Kevin. Hope that serves you. And I look forward to speaking with you in the future. And in the meantime, Kevin and everyone else listening, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
