I'm Sorry

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools, tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about just the right amount of sorry. How do you know? How do you know if you should apologize? More or less? Most people that I work with are actually apologizing too much. They don't feel that way, though they do feel like they're letting people down or that they should say that they're sorry. Or perhaps you don't even know that you're saying sorry all the time. It's kind of an unconscious pattern or habit. Or maybe you feel like you should because to not do that is kind of jerky and mean. And that's the problem with the world today, is people don't just say I'm sorry. So we're gonna get into that in today's episode. And you might be able to tell from my voice that I do have a little bit of a cold right now. But the show must go on. So bear with if I'm a little raspy or nasally sounding. But. Oh, wait, let me say, let me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry if this sounds not as good. Oh, please forgive me. So what, what's going on with this? Why is this even a topic for an episode? I mean, isn't this like, well, in a little kid situation, like saying you're sorry and someone making you say you're sorry and all that stuff? Actually, this is extremely relevant and it shows up all over the place in your life whether you are aware of it or not. And it actually has a big impact on your confidence, your self confidence, and your relationships. So let's dive in. I think you're going to learn a lot about yourself and maybe get some insights into what you want to change about how you show up. Maybe you want to do something a little different. So let's look at sorry. First of all. Right? It's an apology. And there is a very natural rupture repair cycle in relationships where, you know, no one's perfect. Humans are messy creatures. We have different moods and energies, and sometimes we're preoccupied, sometimes we're stressed, sometimes we're short on patience. And maybe we do something that's harsh or sharp or thoughtless and it has an effect on somebody. We drop a ball. We don't show up to something. We. We say something in a tone that we don't like. We're angry and we lash out. And that creates a rupture in the relationship. It might. That might sound terrible, right? Like, rupture means it's over. No, rupture just means there's. There's some hurt feelings and an upset, and that is also normal. It's relationships. And if you have the idea that there's never supposed to be any turbulence ever, and everything in every relationship in your life is supposed to be totally smooth, well, that's the nice person's fallacy and fantasy and often creates a lot of fear and suffering and a sense that something is wrong all the time because you're not able to make that fantasy real. Now the rupture occurs, and then there's the repair. It's part of the cycle. And that's when someone goes to the other person and says, oh, hey, I'm sorry. My tone was sharp yesterday. Or, I'm sorry for leaving you out there, and I told you I was gonna be there, and I was 30 minutes late. Like, I'm sorry. And what that does is that starts to smooth over the hurt feelings. Person often forgives, and you move on. And we've all been in this. This is not some radical insight into, you know, human dynamics. You feel bad or hurt by somebody, and then they say, I'm sorry, and you feel better. You're like, okay. And there's some level of. They see you, they get you. There's an empathy to that sorry that makes you feel cared for, connected, heard, something like that. Right. And maybe depending on the situation, we think when someone's apologizing that they're taking some level of ownership and that maybe they won't do it again. Right. And that's relieving for us or helps rebuild trust. So this is all pretty normal dynamics. And, yeah, they're sorry is great, and we want to say sorry in our relationships. And so this is by no means an encouragement to never say sorry. That doesn't even make sense. Why would that be the case? That means you don't ever have ruptures in your relationships, and that's impossible. Because nobody's perfect, right? So I say sorry to my wife, sorry to my kids, sorry when I drop a ball, sorry to client or something, if I don't follow through on something or there's some way that I don't like the way that I showed up. That's. That's human. But what about apologizing in other circumstances? Let me give just a few examples that you might relate to. One is saying sorry when you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but because the other person is upset or was expecting something and now they have feelings about it. But you never maybe even said that you do the thing right. Client, customer, colleague, friend, family member has an expectation of you, and you don't meet that expectation. You don't follow through on the thing that they wanted. You never said you would, you never agreed to it. But here they are and they're upset. And you might say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't do that thing for you. I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that. And it's almost a natural impulse when someone is upset to want to say I'm sorry. And smooth it over. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I did that. I'm sorry, I did that. And you don't even question, wait a minute, did we agree? Did I say I was gonna do that? It's like, well, they're upset, I better, I've done something wrong. And that's one of the biggest red flags for over apology. So if you notice that whenever someone is upset in your world, that you feel instantly a sense that it's your fault and you have to atone, AKA apologize, repair, make it better. And whether you say I'm sorry, or here's another more subtle way it shows up is your tone is very apologetic. Your. Your attitude is very, oh, no, okay, okay, okay, let's fix it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And you might not be saying the I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but your energy, you're taking on the unspoken story that you dropped the ball, did something wrong, fell short because you didn't meet their expectation. Does that make sense? And this becomes really. It's a slippery slope, I would say, because lots of people have lots of ideas and want lots of things that may or may not work for you. That's part of being less nice, more you, and more authentic in the world is being able to discern and live in your own chosen life, your own reality. Like, in my world, I'm available For A and B, but not C, D, E, F, G, whatever everyone would want. Let me give an example. So this isn't just too theoretical, although you can apply it to pretty much every type of social work relationship situation in your life. But let's say two people are wanting to spend some time together. It could be friends or dating. And one person has the expectation that if I text you, you got to text me back, like, within an hour. Or else that means you don't. You're being. You're ignoring me. You don't like me. You don't value me. You're disrespecting me. And so they text you. You don't text them back until the next day. Gasp. How dare you, you jerk. And then they're upset with you, like, hey, you. You know, whether they say it directly or their tone is all huffy with you, and then you're inside, you're like, oh, no, I've upset them. And you say, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't even text me back until the next day. Like, oh, I'm sorry. You might say, what's wrong with that? Just say I'm sorry and move on. Well, the problem with that is you didn't even check in with yourself. And so now you are kind of compulsively saying, I'm sorry anytime anyone's upset. And that, well, that can get real sticky because there's a couple of unintended consequences of over apologizing or apologizing very quickly for things that you don't even agree to. And one is that, how far does it go? Now I want you to text me back in five minutes. Now I want you to pick me up here. Now I want you to do this. Now I want you to do that. It becomes. They say jump, and you say, how high? Right? So that there's a. There's a lack of clarity of boundaries there. And I'm not saying everyone's going to take advantage of you, but some people will, right? And if you're a nice person, you know what I'm talking about. Your head's probably nodding right now. You're like, wait a minute. That is what's happening at work. See this all the time with nice clients at work, right? They're just, hey, Tim will take on more work. Let's hit him. Want to do this for me? You know, he's apologetic if we. If he doesn't get the thing that I tried to dump on him done fast enough. You know, you're basically saying, sure, pile more on top. The other unintended consequence, and this is especially true in close relationships, romantic relationships, is there is an usually unconscious residual of agitation, irritation, and resentment that starts to build up, even if you're not aware of it, because there's some part inside you that is your own person that's like, wait a minute, I didn't do anything wrong. What are you talking about? Are you pressuring me, pushing me to reply to these texts faster or. That's just one example, right? But there could be a thousand different things that you don't. You're not totally aligned with. You don't want to do that thing, but you don't even let yourself see that, let alone communicate that, let alone hold your ground and reply without the apology. And so now what happens is you do it. Say, oh, I'm sorry, I'll do that thing. Oh, I'm sorry to do that thing. Oh, I'm sorry to do that thing. You don't even feel any conscious resentment. But then all of a sudden you just start to feel like, you know, I just don't want to text that person back. I don't know why. And if you're real nice, you'll just, oops, I forgot. But if you're aware, you might be starting to feel a mounting sense of just wanting to be distant from that person, not wanting to reply, just a little less juice to hang out with them. Like, ugh. Starts to feel a bit more like a burden. That's usually a sign that there's unspoken or unacknowledged resentment there. That's coming from apologizing when you didn't do anything wrong. In your perspective, I get it. In their world, it might be terrible and wrong to not text someone back in five minutes, but not in my world, right? And so you have to start to know when I apologize. It's based upon me being aware of what I think is important or what I value. This comes back to really knowing yourself and owning your reality. So you're not just automatically deferring to what everyone else might expect, think, feel, and want from you. Now, this doesn't mean you have to be some sort of cold robot where someone's like, oh, man, I'm so disappointed you can't make it to the thing that we were going to go to. I was so looking forward to that. And let's say you didn't, you know, totally agree that you were going to do it or something. So you didn't do anything wrong. You have to be like, well, that's your own issue. You had an expectation that wasn't met. Go F yourself. Right? No. You could say something like, oh, man, yeah, that is disappointing. Or this one's a little bit, you know, used with caution, especially if you're an overly nice person. But as you get more skilled and you're no longer compelled to be nice and you can be more real and kind, you might say, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed. That sucks. Right? So you empathize with the feeling without necessarily taking on that you are the cause of the feeling. And this comes back to a larger thing to look at, which is a big part of the over apology. And the quick apology is your propensity to feel guilty kind of all the time. Now, I don't know if you're an all the time kind of guilt person or some of the time, but maybe more than is needed, more than is warranted, right? Because guilt is just like another one of those. Guilt is actually a signal that's part of that rupture repair pattern that I described at the beginning of this episode. Right? So what alerts you to the rupture is a feeling of guilt. People talk about their conscience, right? There's some sense inside you have of like, oh, yeah, something's off there, you feel it, right? And then there's an impulse to go make it right. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's totally healthy. However, your guilt mechanisms can get kind of uncalibrated, let's say, based upon a variety of things, including upbringing and nice programming and other things, you know, just throw in some wild card factor like parent with drinking problem. And now someone's guilt mechanism is all wacky, right? Because parents like you made me this way. I gave up my life to raise you, and now that's why I have to be drunk, right? Oh, God. Oh, God. Now the person's gonna be like, oh, it's all my fault, right? So. And when we're young, we usually don't have the filters up to say, wait a minute, that's not a me problem, dad, that's a you problem. Right? But we don't know that. When we're 5, 7, 10 years old, a lot of this stuff is. Is communicated unconsciously or not said directly, although it sometimes is, depending on the upbringing. Regardless, though, here we are now. And our guilt mechanisms are all kind of wacky. And so you just might feel guilty all the time. I didn't let people down. I'm just chronically letting people down. What is it? Today's a Tuesday. I'm letting people down. What did you do? I don't know. Something, right? Every conversation. Oh, I should have been more interested in what they said. I let them down. Oh, I didn't make that person. Oh, I didn't reply to that person. Oh, I'm letting it. Oh, God. Right? It's exhausting. And it makes you kind of burnt out on everything, really, including relationships. Because now a relationship is this. It's like a testing ground where you just fail every day. Who likes that? And you know what's fascinating? It's not even happening. It's not even real. Now this. Maybe it's a little complicated here for a podcast episode, but it's worth naming, is that sometimes nice people I work with have drawn people into their life who love to buy into that dynamic. So you're guilt. You're prone to guilt. And then you get with someone, maybe they're a little narcissistic, and they're like, yeah, should feel guilty. You didn't text me back five minutes. And you didn't take out my garbage either. What kind of partner are you? Right? And you're like, I'm sorry, honey. Sorry. And so, yeah, you might attract that in your life, but it doesn't have to be that way. And in a lot of your relationships, it's not even happening. You're just in your own absorbing world. It's like a kind of a nightmarish parallel universe to what's really happening. So if you could see a scene from a movie or something, you imagine one person's pacing back and forth, like, racked with guilt. Oh, my God. I didn't text them back. They're probably so pissed. And you cut back to the other person. They're just, like, eating chips and watching tv, not even thinking about you. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I let them down. I'm freaking out. Right? Cuts back the person. Now they're getting a snack in their kitchen. So we're living in this fear and suffering, and then we have to go apologize a ton. And so part of reducing the apology is actually helping you recalibrate your guilt mechanism. And it feels odd at first because you're getting a signal. It's like, I've done something wrong. I need to atone. I've done something wrong. I need to apologize. And you actually have to start to consciously interpret those signals and decide if that's true or not. In fact, let's turn that into your action step for today, shall we? Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is going to be about recalibrating your apology guilt mechanism, which involves noticing when you feel an urge to apologize and then just run it through a quick conscious filter instead of just doing it, like, okay, I gotta go do it. Let me text them back instead. Just take a moment, take a breath, and say, okay, what am I apologizing for? Did I do something wrong? And you might need to really zoom out because sometimes it's like, yes, I did. Yes, I did. Remember, I was working with a client and basically someone wanted her to. It was a kind of a contractor house situation. And they sent her over an agreement. And I'm like, okay, just sign this and we'll get started. And she had like several questions about the thing, the contract. It was like some of the stuff they talked about wasn't in there properly, right? So she wanted to say, hey, I can't sign this. I need. I have some other further questions. We need to renew. Update this. She felt really guilty for doing that. Now, you might hear that from the outside and be like, that's crazy. That's crazy. I wouldn't do that. That. And maybe you wouldn't, but you might be doing that in somewhere other situation in your life. It's always easier to see from the outside, isn't it? And in this case, it was like the contractor was also kind of a friend. And so it was mushy. You know, the boundaries are a little unclear. And so she had an urge to either just make no changes to the contract or apologetically say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother you. I mean, she. I don't know if she would say it like this, but that's. I'm kind of playing up the. The apology. And what we're really saying when we say I'm sorry, it's like, hey, I'm sorry to inconvenience you by having to do your job properly, right? But so she ran it through these filters. The urge was to apologize. And I was like, wait a minute, did I do something? Am I doing something wrong by adapting this agreement or up making sure this contract is what we talked about? And of course, inside, emotionally, it's like, yes, this is awful. So imagine you're coaching and guiding a friend. Get a little external perspective here. Would it be odd to tell a friend, like, no, you don't have to sign anything. You should make sure it works for you? No, of course. That's why I tell a friend, okay, great, great. Because you have better Calibration for your friend, right? You know, so we know what's kind of rational or healthy. And so you're going to want to start to operate like that. It's like a tree training of yourself. And then so you follow through. In this case, she said, hey, there's a few things I want to make sure that we cover before I sign this. Here's what they are. If you have any questions, let me know. Please add these to the agreement. So it's a warm, friendly tone, but there's no apology. No apology is necessary. She's not doing anything wrong, right? So run it through a filter like that. What would I tell a friend is this healthy? And then behave by what you tell a friend? And then inside, you might feel she felt all kinds of uncomfortable sending that message back. Like, oh, my God, they're gonna be pissed at me. In fact, it took them like a day to get back to her, and she was just sweating bullets. Oh, God, they hate me. I'm awful. Oh, God, it's all. It's all over, right? And they get a message back. It's like, okay, updated agreement. Here it is. You ready to sign it now? No issue at all. And you'll find this happens again and again and again and again. You're freaking out inside, and that person's like, oh, yeah, here's the thing, okay? Because remember, not everyone's playing by those nice programming rules that you learned when you were five. So the only way to find that out is by testing out the new and get to see that it's a whole wide world and you get to be you without being chronically sorry for being who you are. So fantastic. I hope this episode helps you to feel more free, more expressive, more alive, less guilt until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.