I’m Stuck As “The Unattractive Funny Guy”

And now it's time to Ask the Shrink. Hey, welcome to this bonus episode of Ask the Shrink. This is where I'm going to answer specific questions from you and the questions you sent me through shrinkforthy guy.com. if this is your first time tuning into an episode, you can listen to this, but I'd also recommend listening to a full length episode. You'll get a much more in depth sense of the show. So this is a question from Caleb. Caleb says, hey man, my dad recently turned me onto your podcast and just gave me the how to Be Confident if I'm Not Tall Enough episode listen. Really useful stuff in there and I was really impressed. Anyway, I have never dated a girl or even been romantically involved with a girl. It seems I always get rejected by any girl I confess feelings to or make an attempt to ask out. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a very popular guy in high school and was always supremely confident. In my graduating class, I took comfort and shelter in my Persona of sort of being the perpetual funny guy. The thing is, I've always really wanted a relationship. Whenever I break this character I've created for myself. I don't know how to talk to or act in front of girls. I have terrible confidence issues and only show the left side of my face and when speaking to girls in fear that if they look at me dead on, they'll think I have a pudgy face or will find them unattractive. I'm in good shape, but I have a very chubby, young looking face and I'm also very short. This greatly impacts my confidence and I credit these problems as my issue with getting a girl. I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to make it so I can talk to girls without the lingering thought in the back of my mind of oh no, what if they think I'm ugly and reject me or show disinterest. Thank you Caleb. This is a great question. Caleb. I appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability in asking this. And man, there is so much in here that any of these things could go on. I'm gonna see if I can get to the core of it and find out what will serve you most in your situation. 1. Yes. Listen to more of the podcast. You'll find a ton in there that I think is really gonna help you. Here's the thing, if we are buying into the story, I'm unattractive, I'm ugly, I'm unattractive, we're kind of fucked. And there's good news Though good news is that that doesn't mean changing your appearance in any way. But I, for many years, was convinced that I was unattractive. Convinced certain of it. I had my reasons, just like you have your reasons. And in those. In that time period, my dating life was dismal. Occasional potential interaction with a woman, usually one that approached me or made it very, very, very clear that she was open and interested, which is rare. You know, it happened once in a long while and then it never really lasted. And I kind of spazzed out and was very uncomfortable because I had this core sense of I'm unattractive. So that is a key issue that you want to address first and foremost. And the thing about that is we have to break out of what culture has taught us is worthy. And it's a beautiful gift, actually to have to do this. Because some people don't. They're like, oh, I fit the mold. I am this tall and I look this and I have that. I'm the average person. Then they have no compelling reason to question what our culture has taught them. And then they just buy right into the entire mold. I gotta earn this amount of money. I gotta have this by this age. I gotta have this, and I gotta have this material possession. I gotta have this kind of relationship with 2.2 kids and a picket fence. And they either feel like they're a failure if they haven't achieved those things, or they achieve them all. And then they feel depressed because they're like, what the fuck is this? This is not what I wanted. And it didn't really bring me the fulfillment. Cause I'm not even being myself. So the blessing in all this, Caleb, and anyone else who feels like you have your reasons, and my reasons are legit as to why I'm unattractive. It's a beautiful gift for you to say, okay, this is where I have to fight the cultural message that I received about what is worthy and what is not. Because here's the thing. I haven't met you, I haven't seen you. And you are beautiful. You. You are a compelling, powerful man that has a tremendous amount to offer in relationship. And I can say that just from reading this message that you sent me. I can feel your heart. I can feel the love that you want to give and receive. I can feel your self awareness. I can feel the compassion in you. And those are extremely valuable qualities that any woman would benefit from. So you need to do whatever it is you need to do to transform the way you relate to yourself. Now the Short version, which I would highly recommend is get my program the confidence code. It goes way in depth on how to change. The whole half of the program is about self esteem. And thinking we're ugly is a self esteem issue, not a cosmetic issue in a nose job or a face suck or whatever. It's a perception of ourselves. So YourConfidenceCode.com would be one of the most powerful things I could recommend for you to get really in depth with this stuff. Stuff. And we'll do a short version here. But basically you want to shift that and say, look, my value as a person is not in my appearance. It's how I show up in the world. It's what I can bring, it's what I can give. It's love. And here's the thing, like if you are, you know, you're a funny person, but you know, there's other stuff, maybe you've kind of overused that part of you. There's other parts of you too, right? Maybe you're sincere, maybe you're direct, maybe you're curious, maybe you're bold, maybe you are adventurous. I don't know what it is for you, but you know, and you want to find those qualities, you want to bring them out and just start taking risks. And every hiding behavior that you have, you want to systematically eliminate. So if you hide by only showing one side of your face, you want to show them all of your face. If you don't make eye contact to hide, you want to make eye contact now it's step by step. You don't have to beat yourself up to make it all happen in one day. But realize that every time you hide, you're buying into that story and strengthening the story that you're not attractive. Does that make sense? So for me, for many years, it was like, I'm unattractive primarily because of the dark pigmentation around my eyes. And for those of you listening to the show, you might have heard me talk about that I used to have hiding behaviors. I would sometimes put some sort of like cream underneath the eye that had like a brown tone to it to try to hide that that was a hiding behavior. I had to eliminate that I would before interacting blue moons, that I would get a date. I would freak out the night before and think, I gotta get like eight or nine hours of sleep. Because if I'm in any way sleep deprived, I'm gonna have those dark circles more prominent. I'm gonna look ugly. So the key there would be to not worry about and just have whatever sleep you normally get, but each hiding behavior you have to eliminate because then you start to tackle that shame. You start to release that shame. So, and as you do that and as you take the risks, you just might find something miraculous happens, Caleb, which is your appearance doesn't change in any way. And yet women become surprisingly more interested in you just by taking risks, just by putting yourself out there, just by boldly showing up and not hiding. It's amazing. It's amazing. The night and day response I got from women and I didn't do any cosmetic surgery on my face, nothing changed in that way. But what changed was internally I challenged the story that I was not good enough and was not attractive. And then also you might need, I don't know your history and what you've learned with interactions with women, but you said something about I seem to always get rejected by any girl I confess feelings to. And in my experience, there's a pattern that a lot of guys run, which is they have feelings for a woman, but they're scared of being like powerful and masculine and just showing it. So they kind of hide it, they let it build up and then they like gush it all over her after, like knowing her and being her friend for six months. And that almost never works. So there I might be picking up on something in here of you needing to be your most bold, powerful, masculine self, which you go after what you want, you say what you want, you tease her and flirt with her and stop putting her on a pedestal. Now that's a whole other beast. And for that I would Recommend my program 30 days to dating Mastery. In this case, I really do think more in depth study would serve you. That's why I'm suggesting these things. You can find out more about that at 30 days to dating mastery.com 30 days to dating mastery.com But I think the core stuff in this will serve you and go deeper in a program if you'd like to go even further. But I want to wish you the best, Caleb. You're awesome. And thanks for asking a question that I know so many other people listening benefit from. So your courage is another amazing gift that you have in relationships. All right, till we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. It.