Is The Real You Enough?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about you. The real you, whatever that is. We'll discover, we'll explore, and through the process of elimination, try to come up with some sense of what you are. Even though that's quite a big philosophical and spiritual topic. But we're going to really distill it down to something very practical for your confidence, for your psychology, for your ability to act and do and create like today, this week at work, in your social life and your love life. So don't worry, this isn't super esoteric and out there. We're going to start that way and we're going to bring it in to very practical in your life. And if you love the practical nature of the show and the action steps and how it's changing your life, then you're going to want to take things further. And if you've not already done so, two things I recommend. One, go to my YouTube channel. It's called Get More Confidence. Just Simply go to YouTube and type in Get More Confidence and you'll find my channel. Watch those videos, subscribe to it and you will indeed get More Confidence. It's a perfect complement to this show to help your learning and growth. The next thing I recommend doing, if you've not already done so, is go to draziz.com,-r-a z I z.com and on the homepage there you can get my video course for free called 5 Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. That's a mini course that's going to teach you the key five steps that I share and ingrain with every client that I work with to help them achieve major growth and their confidence. It's those five steps all laid out with one video after another part of this mini course, absolutely free. So if you have not already done so, make sure you go check that out. Draziz.com. so the inspiration for this episode was that, and I've known this for years, every single client has only confirmed that this is the case, that at the root of social anxiety, low confidence, people pleasing, excessive niceness, all of the, you know, those are the big branches of the tree. Then there's a thousand little smaller branches, right? You know, the I'm worried about what this person thinks of me and oh my gosh, now I'm ruminating, or now I'm going to hold back and hesitate, or now I'm going to smile when I really want to, you know, yell. All these thousand little behaviors coming out of those four or five major challenges that we address in this show, they're all coming from the same trunk of the tree here. And that trunk is on some level, every client I talk to and I believe this is true of every human on some level has this fear of I'm not enough, right? And they might not use those words, but that's the fear. And what does that even mean? Because that's just language, right? It's kind of a conceptual thing. Well, it's like I am not okay. I am not going to be loved or accepted or safe or connected with the group with my tribe, with my family, with friends, with whatever groups that we bond to as humans in the modern era, right? It's not just a small tribe, although you have your family, usually your family of origin, you have extended family, you have a larger community, you have friends and peer groups from school later, you have work community in that regard and maybe a larger community through a religious organization or a cultural sort of a group of an ethnic group or people from a certain country that you're a part of. So you have these larger groups that you're a part of and these smaller groups and these little packs that you're a part of, maybe even a partnership, one on one romantic relationship, right? That might turn into a family of your own. So you have these groups that you're connected to. And in every single connection there's some fear, right? That's the root of this tree, that's underneath all of this social anxiety stuff and all this niceness stuff and all the001 behaviors, right? It all comes down to this, like, I'm not okay. Am I okay? I don't think I'm okay. It's like a doubt, a concern, a fear, a worry that you're not okay. And that's why this language, I'm using all these different phrases to describe it, because it isn't like a simple Like a tangible fear. Right. You know, if you could say, oh, I'm afraid of a bear attack. I'm afraid of spiders. Right. It's a thing you can point to. But this is like, I'm afraid of loss of love. But it's more than that, though. It's not just I'm afraid of I'm going to behave badly. And so you're going to withdraw love from me. It's actually, I have a fear that no matter how I behave, I'm still not okay. Right. Because if you really thought, hey, listen, sometimes if I behave badly, someone's gonna get upset with me. They're gonna withdraw love. If I did that enough, maybe they would leave. It was just a total terror to them. But, you know, other times I'm not that way and people love me like that is. You don't have that core fear. But I think it seems like that on some level underneath there is this core fear. If I'm not enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy. And can you relate to this? Even if I'm not hitting the exact words that you might use if you were to put it into words, can you get a sense of what I'm pointing towards here? Do you feel me? It's like, oh, yes, I resonate with this. I certainly do. And then so we go on this personal development growth quest, right? I'm going to get better. I'm going to speak up better. I'm going to be taller somehow. I'm going to be richer. I'm going to be more muscular. I'm going to have more hair. Hair. I'm probably going to grow a mustache because that's part of being better. I'm going to get leaner. I'm going to get funnier. I'm going to have better stories. I'm going to become more confident. I'm going to go walk in the room and own the place. Yes. So you grow, and that's an amazing thing. That's perfect. That's part of your development, that's part of your growth. And still it just seems like no matter how much money you make, you're still not there yet. Maybe you have nicer things around you, but you can feel like in an instant I'm not enough. You know, you get rejected on a date. It doesn't matter how. I remember I worked with a client who sold a company for 35 million. That was his share of it and was extremely insecure around women. And when he was younger and spending all his hours and hours and hours. His whole life invested into his career and his company and this. And then he sells it. And he had this fantasy, right? Like when rich, I'm going to live in a penthouse in New York. Yeah. Women all over me. And then he started working with me because he got to the penthouse in New York. A lot of people never do, right? But he did. He built this whole company up. He sold it. He had this penthouse in New York. My first session with him was a remote session via Zoom in his penthouse in New York. There was no ladies in there, and he was terrified to talk to women. And the problem wasn't solved with more money. You might say, well, that's for him. Loser for me. Totally would be solved for me. This is the funny part. I was like, well, maybe this guy's just going after the wrong thing, right? You got to get the love. And then you'll know that you're lovable and you'll feel at ease, right? Well, that was my approach. I wasn't pursuing money when I first started to develop my confidence. I was pursuing the ladies because I was insecure and shy. Never really had a girlfriend of my choosing. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to build this confidence. And when I get women who want to date me, when I sleep with women, when I have a girlfriend, when I get something to, something will show to me. I am inherently just lovable and worthy no matter what. And it didn't work. It didn't work. And. Well, it first started, if you know anything about my journey, because I was doing a lot of pickup artist stuff and sort of presenting a confident front and inside was very insecure and very, very nice. Very, very pleasing. So as soon as we got past the first few date stage, we got into a relationship. I flipped into this super nice guy, which was problematic. So you might say, oh, you weren't being yourself. Well, yeah. And then as time went on, I became more authentic and I started to develop that capacity to bring way more authenticity into dating. And that still didn't solve it. And then I got into this amazing relationship with my wife, now Candice. We've been together for, I don't even know, 11 years now, something like that. And it is the most authentic, open, deep, connected. It's the most connected I've ever been to another human. And then we created these children out of the relationship right now. So I'm deeply connected to them. And our family is open and expressive and authentic and real. And we pay attention to each other and we look each other in the eye. And it is the most connected I've ever been in my life. And still there can be a part inside of there that squirms and cringes and is like, I'm not enough. I don't. Isn't that crazy? And you might say, well, I've just got to do something else, and then it's going to go away. And the reason I'm highlighting this and sharing from my own personal, raw, and real experience is because I don't think it works that way. Way. And that's not just a clinical perspective from working with a lot of clients. That's also a human perspective from my own experience and looking at friends and close relationships and my spouse and then also working with lots of clients, too. You might be listening to this and saying, well, this is depressing. I thought he was going to give me an answer. This is terrible, terrible news. Well, actually, it can be beautiful news, because what if you are never enough? You're never going to be totally perfect and totally lovable and just completely safely just. You get that no matter what, from another human, Right? It's almost like saying, I want to. I want a guarantee of security and safety. And the person's like, okay. You mean you want my insurance, like an Allstate agent? No, no, I want, like, a guarantee. Like, I can give you a guarantee you'll get that death. You know, that money will go to your family if you die. And you say, no, no, no, no. I want to guarantee that I'm not going to die and my kids aren't going to die and I'm not going to get sick either. And that insurance person is going to be like, well, you can get disability insurance in case you get sick. It's like, no, no, no, no. Who's gonna give you that guarantee? Nobody. Life can't give you that guarantee. It's like, it's a fact of life that you are going to live and then you're going to die. And I think there's a fact of the human psyche that's like, I me is not. Is not enough. And instead of that being tragic, what if we just start with that place and stop trying to run from it and say, okay? Well, for me, there's actually profound relief in that because it's really painful if you're like, okay, I'm not enough. But that person over there, he's enough because he's got blue eyes and he's taller and he's got muscles, right? Then that's really painful. But what if. No, he's not either? You say, well, yes, he is, because look at him. He looks like the, you know, the beauty standard for the West. I'd say, okay, well, ask him, does he ever have that insecurity? And if he's not self aware enough, like, observe him and watch his behaviors and watch his relationships and other stuff, and you'll see. Does he grab a shot of tequila before he goes and talks to that person he's interested in? Why does he do that? Because he's scared. Why is he scared? Because he thinks he's not enough. And you ask him, he says, no, I just like to party. Okay, all right. So then we look outward. We say, well, I'm not enough. What if we are enough? What's the we? What if humanity is enough? Can you see how, like, the incompleteness might create more of a connection and a collective? So you care about other people? So you realize, I am not enough. I need other people. I need a pack. I need to surround myself with other people. Together we are. I don't know if we're enough, but we're more. And then you say, well, but I want to be enough. Okay, Is life enough? Is the divine enough? Are you a part of this whole thing? As a teacher, I've listened to a lot recently. His name is Donnie Epstein, and he says the forces of creation is a way, One of the ways. He talks about, like, universal energy or the divine right. He says, forces of creation. I love that term. And it's true, right? There's forces that create galaxies and stars and this. And you and me and this device that you're listening to me on. Forces of creation, right? So the forces of creation are enough, right? I mean, how can you argue? Those are pretty legit, making all kinds of galaxies and stuff. All right, I defer to you, sir or madam or thing. And so there can be this playful humbleness in the dance of all this stuff. And then, you know, the liberating effect comes from this. When you stop trying to hustle to prove you're enough and get enough. And then you realize, I'm not enough. They're not enough. Let's just live. Let's be this little pack of humans while we can on this planet, at this era, at this time, there's a reason why you're here alive right now, at this time. Why? Because you. You weren't alive earlier. I don't know, maybe you were. Maybe this is your 40th incarnation. But as far as I don't know, I don't remember anything else before this. Maybe you do, but. So here you are. Here I am right now at this time, incarnated at this moment. And you're alive right now for a reason, for a purpose. And that is so. And you are never enough. I'm never enough. So what? Let's live, let's laugh, let's share, let's create, let's risk, let's fail, let's go for it, let's bond, let's connect. Let's create a tribe and a community and be a part of that and be a leader in it, whatever that is, Whether it's a leader of a big organization or a leader of your social life, leader of yourself, leader of your family. And you lead and you live. And then you do get sick and you do die because there is no guarantee of safety. And you are never enough, but we are more. And the forces of creation that made you, that bring you to dust, whether you want to personify it or give it consciousness or say it's random and it is beyond complexity, starting from the big bang or before, whatever you want to think of it as, that's up to you. That's your choice. But we can all agree those forces are pretty dang powerful, and those are enough. And you can let go. And then when someone doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want to talk to you, it's like, okay, well, someone else gonna talk to me. It doesn't bring this meaning of like, well, I'm not enough. You just like, just dissolve all that. Let's come into your action step now. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be a real simple one. You're going to love it. So easy to do. I invite you to repeat after me. I'm not enough. I know. That's so counterintuitive. I mean, there's psychologists out there that encourage you to say, I am enough. I am enough. I saw someone had it tattooed on their hand right there, and it was in this particular. I don't know who the author psychologist is. Forget her name. But that's her jam, right? It's like, you know, lead seminars where it's like, the whole purpose is to say, I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. And you can reprogram yourself to think that you are. And that's a totally different approach. Could be useful. I found this approach much more freeing. It's just like, don't have to be enough. So repeat after me if you'd like. I am not enough. I never will be enough. And that's perfect. We maybe we are enough. Well, we certainly are more. The forces of creation are enough. And if you have a particular belief, as anyone add on, I would say the divine is enough. God is enough. Universal energy and intelligence is enough. And what it does is it allows me to just release and let go and know that I'm here for a little while. And what do I want to do? I want to live. I want to run, I want to play, I want to experience, I want to create, I want to break through. I want to be victorious. I want to give everything I got. I want to contribute, I want to have fun. And then I'm going to die. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

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