Is Too Much Action A Bad Thing?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about action. And specifically, is too much action a bad thing? What? Well, we're gonna get into it in this episode. I'm excited to be with you because, you know, many of you know I even have action steps. And in the last episode, I was talking a lot about the importance of action, and I often do. And yet you might be wondering, is there too much of a good thing? Is there a bad time to take action? Is there such a thing as too much action? And what got me thinking about this is some recent questions from some viewers. So I'm gonna be answering two questions in this episode that are all related to this topic. If you are enjoying this show, by all means, please go to itunes and look up the show shrink for the shy guy and find it in there and give it a five star rating, if you would. That will help me reach more people and help me carry out my mission, which is to inspire radical and rapid transformation in as many people as I can and help everyone out there who is stuck in the ways that I was stuck to find their way to more freedom, power and confidence. So that would be awesome. That would support me and. And you would get something out of it too, I bet. A good, warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest. So let's get right into it. The question that spawned this episode in my mind is from Brandon. Brandon says, hey, Dr. Z's. I just want to thank you for all the hard work you put into your website and podcasts. It does not go unappreciated. Awesome. Thank you, sir. After reading your awesome book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence and listening to your podcasts, it seems like you place a lot of emphasis on expos? Action. I see what you're saying here, but I feel like there's more to it. If I was to expose myself to talking to an attractive lady, for example, but was nothing but awkward throughout the whole interaction. How am I doing myself any favors? Am I supposed to repeat this numerous times? Am I supposed to get better by having numerous awkward encounters? Wouldn't it make sense to get rid of some of my negative subconscious thoughts beliefs first? Thanks. P.S. feel free to move this question up the waiting list as I feel like it can help out a lot of people. I like the bold ask. You read the book the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. So, yeah, let's talk about this, because this is a great question and I'm going to really get into some of the language here and just go out on a limb and take some guesses given what I've seen in a lot of people. So you might have wondered the same thing. You know, if I'm not good at something or if I'm scared of something or I'm awkward at something and I go do it and then I do it poorly, isn't that. I mean, that's what I'm scared of. So then I'm just gonna do that a lot and it's actually gonna be counterproductive. Instead of feeling good about myself, I'm gonna feel bad about myself. Well, there is some truth to that, and I think there's some avoidance going on in this question. So let's dig into it. If I was to expose myself to talking to an attractive lady, but was nothing but awkward throughout the whole interaction, so that to me sounds like a hypothetical question. Brandon, did you do it? If I was to expose myself to talking to an attractive lady, but it was nothing but awkward, the whole interaction, is that helpful? For me, I would say yes. Even just that in itself, because you are facing your fear. Because right now, my guess is that you're. You have a story in your mind that you're putting out here in your question. It's a reflection of your own beliefs. You're talking about challenging subconscious negative beliefs and thoughts. You believe if I were to go approach a woman that I'm attracted to, it's gonna be nothing but awkward. That's a story you have in your mind. And you listening right now. Everyone listening. We all have a series of stories in our mind. Usually the limiting ones is what we're most focused on overcoming here. And they often take the format of if. If I do blank, then blank is going to happen and that's going to be something I don't like. You know, for me, in my business, when I was before I put on my first live weekend workshop, live event, I was terrified. I didn't do it for A while. Because my thought was, my story was if I create one of these things, no one's going to come if I offer this, no one's going to be there or one person's going to be there. It's going to be real awkward. So if then. And where do these stories come from? I don't know. Sometimes we just make them up. We've never done it at all. Or sometimes we tried something once and it didn't go well. That story actually came from when I first tried to create. This was back when I was working at Portland State University, doing a full time internship there in clinical psychology. And I was like, I want to teach. I want to help people learn tools and strategies to be more confident. And so I set up a free workshop. I rented the space for two hours on the campus. It was free because I was in the counseling center doing counseling there, but I rented the space on campus. I made my own flyers. I put the flyers up all over the campus. I talked to a bunch of professors in different courses, including intro psychology classes, went and gave five minute presentations to all these different classes telling them about my workshop. And when I was setting up the room, they said, well, how many chairs do you want? I said, 50? Yeah, I mean it's free. It's about changing their lives. I'm going to alert a lot of people. I'm letting a lot of people know about it. There's probably hundreds of people that I'm letting know through all the classes that I'm giving talks in all the people see the posters, it's free. I mean, shit, let's just say 50. But you know, it's standing room only. That'll be okay. That's the day of the workshop. I show up into the room and there's like seven people there, two of which are. It's like a friend of mine. And then actually maybe there's like 10 people there. I don't know. There was him. He brought his friend and his friend brought his friend's mom. And then the girl that I was dating, woman I was dating at the time was there. So what is that? Four out of the nine or whatever were people I knew. And I was like, oh, I'm a failure. But they were all scattered throughout the room, the 50 chairs totally spread out. And I really did. I felt a sense of shame or failure when I first saw that. And then I was like, okay, well I mean, I got all this stuff planned, let's do it. So I was like, okay everybody, let's bring it in. So I brought them all into the first two rows and then rocked it, man, Just rocked it for it was two hours. I probably went two and a half, maybe more, and just shared everything I got. And it was really powerful. I'd stand by that. But even though the workshop, I think, was really awesome and was really helpful and impactful, I feel like the story that I had was like, oh, I'm a failure because not that many people came. And that stuck. And then. So flash forward five years and my business is growing and it looks like there's interest. People are definitely intrigued about working together in person and coming together as a group. I'm like, no, I can't do it if I do this. If I offer a live event, no one's gonna come. If I approach a woman I'm attracted to, it'll be nothing but awkward the whole time. So did you have that experience in the past? And how do we overcome that? How do we overcome that if that's our fear? Well, there's really only one way. I mean, you can work on it from a rational perspective. You can challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs. You can say, well, that's a future fortune telling. That's a cognitive distortion. I don't know that that's actually gonna happen. And even if it were to happen, I could handle it, and here's how I would handle it and problem solve. And then you could work on your subconscious beliefs. You could visualize it going really well. Imagine it happening and going really well. Awesome. Yes. I can see her responding positively to me. Very good. Right? You could even go so far and do what I call reverse visualization, where you imagine her rejecting you. And you work through all the fears and discomforts and negative feelings you have about that to get to a place of more peace and neutrality. And all that stuff is awesome and valuable, and it will not transform your life. It will not set you free. Because at the end of the day, that is all preparatory work and supplemental work. And the main course, motherfucking action. You gotta go do the thing. Because in the doing of the thing is when you rewrite your reality and all of a sudden you say, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I approached that person and it went, well, holy geez. And I know that wasn't a visualization because that shit just happened. So there's an extra step. Now. Those other things are extremely helpful and valuable to get you to be able to take the step and get you to be able to internalize the changes and Be like, yo, yeah, yeah, I did do that. That did work. I do believe this is possible for me. So it can accelerate your growth, your identity, shift, all that. But the core step is still going to be action. So am I supposed to. The follow up in his question is, am I supposed to repeat this numerous times? Am I supposed to get better by having numerous awkward encounters? Yes, I love it. It's sort of like this incredulous tone, like, how dare you, sir. How dare. Am I, Is that, Am I supposed to. Huh? Huh? Is this supposed to happen? It's kind of a little bit of defending something here, man. I'm just gonna call you out on that. My sense is you're defending that this party is really scared to do this. And I get it. This shit's scary, it's uncomfortable. That's why we're all here to support each other and grow. That's why I'm here out every week pumping the message, let's do this. Let's face our fears. Let's do this. That's what my 4 year old son, when he's playing with his little T. Rex and other toys just by himself, it'll be lots of muttering. He's coming and then he comes in and then he says, let's do this. There's lots of let's do this. So let's do this. We just gotta do it now. What if it's traumatizing? What if I go do this and it's so awkward and uncomfortable and then I do it again and it's awkward and uncomfortable and it gets worse and scarier and scarier. Well, that generally doesn't happen when I work with people and they commit to doing it a lot. If you commit to doing it once or twice, yeah, you could just reinforce a fear and you say, you see, I knew it. But if you commit to doing it like 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 times over the next month, two months, whatever, say, yeah, I'm just gonna keep doing this again and again and again. You will have a different experience. On top of that, there are two shifts you can make that will help you. One is to pick up a lighter weight. If walking up to the woman that you find the woman of your dreams that you find most attractive when she's surrounded by her friends and it's a loud environment at a bar and you want to go talk to her there, maybe that's scary, that's too much. So tone it down. Pick up a five pound weight. What's the five pound weight version of this? Say hi To a woman as you walk by her on a busy street, Ask someone a basic question, maybe even a woman you're not even head over heels attracted. Oh yeah, there's a woman. Okay, maybe just practice getting more comfortable engaging with women. So ask a woman a basic question. The time where some building is nearby, a good restaurant recommendation, do that 5, 10, 15, 20 times until it's no big deal. Because I bet you'll probably be nervous even doing that. I know I sure was. And then make it women that you're attracted to, women you love to date and approach them and just ask a basic question and start to get more and more familiar, more and more comfortable. So then you are taking bold action. You are doing exposure, but it's gradual exposure. You're keeping it toned down. And in fact, in the dating, the unlimited dating confidence course, Inside of Confidence Unleashed, we create a system where it's step by step going just one, like five pound weight heavier from where you are. So it's never too much. But it's also not a whole lot of theory and no action. And this is, I mean, gradual exposure. There's some science, there's some science involved in this. This shit works. Whether it's a phobia of elevators or any other fear, you can use this to overcome it through exposure. But gradual is the key. So then you're being gentle, you're being patient and kind with yourself. Another thing you can do in addition. Oh, let me just say one more thing about that. I cannot tell you how many times I've talked about this with someone and they're like, yeah, totally awesome. That makes sense. I'm like, great, okay, so what's the plan? What are you gonna do? None of it. They either say that directly or they play nice and be like, oh yeah, I totally will. And they go, they don't. Why? Why? Because we're afraid and our stories are there to protect us. And you know this, Brandon, and everyone listening from my book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. Our stories are not true. There are safety, police, creation to protect us. So the story is that stuff's not going to work anyway. That gradual exposure is not going to work anyway because it's repeated interactions that are awkward are not going to help me now if that story's true, what do I get to avoid? What do I get to not do? That's right. The stuff I'm afraid of. I don't have to face my fears. No, I'm not scared. It's not that I'm scared, it's just that it wouldn't work. Totally. I'm totally do whatever worked. But then when I give this new alternative version of exposure and kind of shatter the it won't work. Or here's a way you could do it, then it's like, well, here's the path and it's more accessible. And then the story starts to fall apart and then we really confront what's really happening, which is the fear. It's all fear. So start small and get in there. That's the only way. And then another thing you can do to help you along the way is to learn, get some education, get some training, get some input, get some feedback. And you might not be able to get real time feedback. I mean, you could, you can go out with a friend. I've seen this a lot. In fact, there's people that are in my group programs, mastermind programs, who happen to be in the same city and they'll meet up and they'll support each other, whether it's dating, something like this, or even just social interact, social interaction, social confidence, just talking to people. But you know, especially people that are both single, they'll meet up and they'll practice conversations so you can get feedback from a friend in that way. You can also just go learn more, watch videos on YouTube, look people up, read articles online, find some good books. I mean, there's a lot of good stuff in there that, you know, some of it's like super pickup artist sketch stuff and some of it's just really good. How to be an authentic bold human. Trip is his name. I don't know his last name. Trpp. He's got a really good podcast and other Internet presences all around. Dating. Just look up like Tripp. I'm blanking on his name. I interviewed him on this podcast. It was a while back. T R I P P Dating. And his stuff's really like not weird and sketchy and manipulative. It's just very direct and open and honest and confidence. So that way you're learning as you do it. So if you have five awkward ones in a row, well, drop the weight. And then also look at what am I doing. Because if you're repeating the same pattern again and again and it's not working for you, then learn something different. And that's how we grow. We don't learn in theory. We learn through action. So that is how we put ourselves into action. And that is my answer to that question. There's another question I got that's related to this. I wanted to throw in this episode as well, that's also about action. And this person said, here's the question, and I'm just gonna summarize it. How do I most efficiently secure and incorporate strong, positive events in a sustainable way to foster my deep level of knowledge of I am awesome? That's a bit wordy, but here's the backstory. Last week, I had an amazing out of the comfort zone step, and I'm including this question in this episode because here's an example of someone taking action and that it does change things. You do have different experiences as someone struggling with all the stuff you talk about on this show. I started doing improv theater approximately nine months ago. Well done. Who's this from? Helm. Helm said, I started doing nine improv theater. Awesome job, man. And he said it was kind of a quote, brutal medicine for someone lacking confidence. You need to be on stage, speak in front of strangers, and there's no script. It's all improvised. He said, I recommend it for other people who are struggling. It really, really helped me. It's kind of like a therapy. Anyway, last week, I signed in for a competition where each of the largest improv theater groups of Berlin nominated one person playing against the others. I took the step to participate myself, and, well, I won first prize. It was an amazing feeling, especially since I fought my safety police, my inner critic, and all those characters, of course, telling me not to do it before signing up. And that's where the above question came to my mind. How can I preserve that momentum, that feeling, and that new knowledge of wow. Everything Aziz told and wrote is true if you just take the step to fight your fear? My point I'm heading to is, how can I subsequently fight setbacks with what I learned that night and from that moment, or maybe even avoid setbacks entirely? It's from Helm from Germany. Berlin. Berlin. So that's awesome. So I wanted to include that question in here as well, because it's a really good question, and it relates to the flip side of the coin from where Brandon is. Like, Brandon, just trust, man. Trust in the process. Leap in. Use the tips that I shared earlier in this episode, and you will get to the other side. You will have your moment where you are outside of your comfort zone. And instead of it just being terrible and awkward, it's liberating. It's freaking amazing. And I want that for you. And you will have that. I know you will. But in answer to this question, I think it's really good. And I think what he wants to do is he wants to like, take it into his identity. Because maybe he had a story of like, oh, I can't do this. This is awkward. I'm uncomfortable in front of others. And it turns out, like, no, actually, I can do this. And I'm really good at it. And I'm. Whatever got him first prize, right? He's funny or charismatic or creative or whatever impactful for the audience. So how does he take that in? Well, first things first, I would say focus on that moment. Focus on that experience and write about it. Like, do a little journal entry where you just write about that experience and how awesome it was. I remember I have a moment that I came home from this party I went to one time, and I just started working well. I really started making progress on this area of my life. And I remember I walked into this party and it was in college, and it was a different experience than I'd had any other time in my life at a party. Because I typically would cling to the wall, drink some, hate myself, not talk to any women, not talk to anyone really, except for my buddy or whoever I was there with. And then go home and maybe it was kind of fun. I'd shoot the breeze with my couple of guy friends, and that was a fun way to hang out. But at the same time, I felt afraid and inferior and insecure and just. It was not good. So this was the first time in my life, though, where I had a 180 degree different experience. And I walked in and I was just. I owned the room, man. I walked in tall and strong. I had a nice shirt on, and I walked straight up to these, like, three women that are sitting around this kitchen area getting drinks. And I was like, what are we drinking? And just initiated conversations left and right and just, I am inserting myself everywhere. Was my approach going in. Because I lived so many years as, like, a wallflower. And I'd done some confidence work leading up to that, so I was able to do that. And I remember I just felt so freaking good. And I didn't even drink that much. I think I had, like maybe two drinks the whole night. Whereas before, I used to drink a lot more just to try to feel more alive and better. But here I was like, I don't even need that. Like, I'm just on fire. And I got home that night and I still remember to this day I was lying in bed. I used to, like, journal, like, lying in bed, like, hello, me, this is me time. And I wrote at the top of the journal entry, like, level three. And I underlined it, like, three times. And I was just like, I'm so excited. This is amazing. And I don't know what level three meant. It was like I kind of broke through to a new level in my confidence, in my life, you know, it's something I've been working on for a long time, and it felt really good. And I just wrote about the whole night, like, how I thought, how I felt, how awesome it was, Little moments, how I saw myself, how proud and excited I was. So you want to do this, too? Give it the time, honor it. We spend so little time relishing and cherishing and reveling in our successes that we work so freaking hard for. And then we get it. And then we're like, yeah, cool. All right, what's next? And we give it, like, six seconds or nothing at all. So give it that focus. Really take it in. So you can always go back and read that and then also answer this. Write out, what does that say about me? What does that experience say about me? And then fill that in with some identity statements. Well, I am. I don't know what this experience says about you, Helm, but, like, I am funny. I am a skilled improv actor. I am creative. I can think on my feet. I can make people laugh. I am bold. Right. What are the things that it says about you? And now those are your new identity statements. Right? And now what you want to do is you want to start to repeat those to yourself and think about those and focus on those and think about that event as evidence of that. I am bold. How do I know that? Well, look at what just happened. And so bringing more conscious, focused attention to it will help you internalize that more as your identity. Now, will that help you prevent future setbacks? Yeah, because when you're faced with a challenge and you're like, oh, I can't. I'm not. I can't do that. That's too bold. It's like, no, I got this because I'm bold. So you can face your challenges more head on. Now, is that going to eliminate all setbacks? No, I think that's a fantasy, right? We want to eliminate all setbacks and not have anything ever challenge us. Well, that's just how we grow. Like, you're going to be just kicking ass in one area of your life, and then there's going to be a problem. There's going to be a challenge. There's going to be a setback that knocks you down. That's okay. That's part of life, and that's Part of growth. I don't know anyone who's just had sustained, unstoppable awesomeness and everything going their way in an area of their life forever. So there's seasons, right? So when there's a setback, we want to work with it. We want to practice compassion, self, compassion, self, love, being on our own side and work through that challenge and get to the other side. So let's talk about how you are going to put all this action into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is going to be to figure out what is the five pound weight for you and what can you commit to in terms of doing it regularly. What's the five? First you got to think about what's the area that I want to grow in? Maybe it's like, Brandon, it's dating and relationships. Maybe it's your social life, maybe it's in your career. Maybe it's being more assertive, maybe it's saying no. Maybe it's asking for what you want, maybe it's making more jokes and being more silly or being more funny. Whatever is the next level of more expressed, more free, more powerful, more confident you. And if you're like, I'll take all of the above, please. Well then just pick one and what's the five pound weight? And when I say five pound weight, you're going to want to dial back, think of how you want to be and say, wow, that's pretty scary to imagine doing that. Well then what's the really small version of that? Another way to do that, another way to think of that, another language just to help you open it up is, well, what would 5% more bold or 5% more confident in that area look like? So you want to be more assertive at work instead of going in there and having eight difficult, crucial conversations in one day. Maybe you just talk to a co worker who's on the same level, who you've been avoiding telling them something. Or maybe you ask a question in a meeting, you just speak up a little bit. You've always been afraid to speak your mind or think people are going to judge you and think you're not smart. So you just ask one basic question or share one basic thing in a meeting. You lean into your edge, you find that 5%, that 5 pound weight and then you lift the shit out of it again and again and again. And then watch your life transform and congratulations. I mean, thanks for the questions, guys. It's awesome stuff. Brandon, you rock. You got this. And helm just crush. It's so awesome to hear about what you guys are up to and what you're doing in your lives. I'm so proud and I love it. So thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence Center. Com.