It's Possible IF...

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey. Welcome to today's show. Today we're going to be getting into the impossible and the possible. Discovering what is truly possible for you in your life, both in terms of social confidence, what you're able to create in dating and relationships and business and career, and in all aspects of your life. What is really possible for you. And I have a pretty radical idea about what I believe is possible for people if. Because I don't have some sort of super hippie, you know, purely law of attraction, like, you just really imagine it hard and then it's going to happen. Or don't focus on bad things in your life because then that's all you're going to get is bad things. And you just need to focus on the flowers and everything will be great. I think there's something to that. You know, if we overly focus on what's wrong with us, then we aren't able to take effective action. But I really believe in the second part of that effective action. Everything that I've seen created in my life and in the lives of people that I've worked with and that around me that are successful is effective action. And so we're going to get into what's possible for you right now in your life. And we all have a blueprint or a template or a map of what's possible for us right now. As you're listening to these words coming out of my mouth, you have a blueprint in your mind. Here's what I'm capable of. Here's what's possible for me, and here's what is not possible for me. And it's pretty solid, like a real structure. There are hard lines. This is possible. That is not possible. Thank you very much. And we're a little bit defensive about our hard lines. And if someone were to say, hey, is that line really where you think it is? Do you think you could push it out a little bit? We'd say, no, you shut up. You stay away from my hard line. I've really worked to create this map of the world, and I'm not changing it. So we got a. This is going to be about shaking up that map a little bit. Might be a little uncomfortable at times, but you also might leave here feeling incredibly liberated and. And excited about what is possible for you if you're really willing to do what it takes. So we gotta start with Though, is what do you actually want? Cause who cares if something's possible or not possible if you don't really want it? So, for example, I could really go into the question, is it possible for me to go play in the NBA? And I'm 31 years old right now. I have never really played basketball in my life. I'm five foot eight and a half. And is it possible for me to get in the NBA? Now, I'm not going to deliberate over that question a whole lot, because I don't really care. I don't want to go play in the NBA. So it doesn't matter what's possible or not possible if it's not in your area of passion or interest or something you want to create in your life. So we gotta start with what do you want? And that's where it gets really interesting, is because it's like what I want, that feels impossible to me. That's where there's pain. And we want to shift what you want to make it feel like it's possible. And when it comes down to it, most people don't want something that's totally outside of the bounds of their physical reality or limitations. Usually we want the basic things in life. So what do you want? What do you want when it comes to relationships, friendships, social life? Do you want a group of close friends, people that you can call up and hang out with, that you can go to movies with, that you can chat about what's going on in your life, have real connections with, not just some superficial, you know, we play some ball together, but we can never really talk about what's going on in our lives. Maybe someone you can really chat with, what's going on? What's real? What do you want when it comes to dating and relationships? Do you want to have a girlfriend? Do you want to be able to feel like you have the power and choice to be able to date women and select the ones that you really like, and you're not just kind of waiting for someone to choose you. Do you want a wife? Do you want a family? What do you want when it comes to your business and your career? Do you want to. What is your dream job? What is the thing that you really want to apply to go after create? You want to start your own business? What do you really want? You know, underneath it all, when I ask these questions with people, it really comes down to some basic things. Freedom, connection, love. Doing something in the world that has an impact or that excites me, that fills me with purpose. So what Are those things for you? They're different for everyone. I mean, they're similar each of us, but they're specific. They're unique to you. Those are your dreams, your goals, your desires. But you know what's interesting? A lot of us won't even really ask those questions because on the coattails of discovering what it is that we want, there's a voice that comes in and says, you can't have that. Who do you think you are? You know, for example, if you asked me this question a number of years ago, I'd say, man, I'd really love to be able to. Many years ago, if you asked me that, I'd say, I'd love to be able to date women. And I've always said, you can't do that. Women that I found attractive and I was passionate about, you can't do that. And then as I started to learn some of the stuff from pickup artist stuff and actually was able to date women, then I found I couldn't really sustain relationships because underneath I was still so damn anxious and didn't really love myself. And all the stuff that I teach in 30 days to dating mastery, I didn't know any of that. So what would happen is I would date a woman for a couple weeks or a month, and then I'd bolt and all this horrible anxiety that would come up and I'd just have to break up with her. It was really painful. And so at that time in my life, if you ask me, what do you want? I'd say, man, I would love to have a girlfriend that I really just settled in with and got more and more deeply comfortable and in love with as time went on. And guess what happened? My mind would say, you can't have that. There's something wrong with you. You're not good enough for that. You're broken. All these things that would come in. And that's what happens in all areas for people when I do this work with them. They have the thing they want, the love, the connection, the freedom, the career. They are clear that they want it. And as soon as they uncover it, another voice comes in and tells them, it's not possible for you. And that's what I want to challenge today. So if you're noticing that voice, let's play with it a little bit. Let's explore what we can shift in you. And what I want to pose to you is the idea that, yes, it is possible. It absolutely is possible. If. And here's the big if, and it's the fundamental question. And let's get out of possible or impossible and ask yourself this question. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that thing you want? The selector in your relationships, finding the girlfriend you want, pursuing your dream career, creating your own business. Am I willing to to do whatever it takes? What is your answer to that question? You know, to be honest, when I ask people a lot of this, their real answer when I look at their body language and their voice tone is this. You ready? Eh? What will it take? Right? You know, we're not sure. It's rare that someone's like, yes. And of course, when I work with someone in confidence coaching as part of the application process, I ask them all these questions and I gotta find out where they're at because in order to work with me, they have to be in a place of yes, I'm willing to do whatever it takes because otherwise it's not possible. It is not possible. You will make sure that it's not possible. You verify your own beliefs about yourself, your own negative self concept and say, see, I tried. It didn't work. I knew it. But if you're willing to do whatever it takes, then blasting through shyness and anxiety and all these things is absolutely possible. Not only that, but getting to the next level, creating awesome relationships, creating a movement in the world or having a big impact or being the leader in your field or in your career. I mean, all of that is possible no matter how shy you started, if you're willing to do whatever it takes. And most of the time I find that we have a little calculation going on in our head. It's the pleasure pain scale calculation. How much pleasure will I get if I do it? How much pain am I going to experience along the way? So I really want that thing, but what am I going to have to do? Am I going to experience a lot of rejection along the way? Am I going to maybe fail along the way? Am I going to try and it's not going to work out? And then my voice in my head, my inner critic is going to shred me to pieces or people are going to laugh at me and judge me. Ooh, that's a lot of pain. No thanks. That's where a lot of people stop. And that's why Henry David Thoreau said, most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them. That's what happens, right? We don't put ourselves out in the world, we don't pursue what we want. And underneath is quiet desperation. It's all inside it's all hidden, and I don't want that for you. And it doesn't have to be that way for you. And you can shift this. So what we're going to do in this episode is first we're going to cover in the next segment what I call the big lie. And. And you have to know what the big lie is, because you're probably telling yourself this big lie right now. I did for many years, and that's what keeps people stuck. And then in the next segment, we're gonna get into, okay, how do we shift this? How do we get motivated to take real action in our lives and really go after these dreams and make them a reality and get to that place of, yes, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. And it's absolutely possible to get to that pace. There's some interesting techniques that we're gonna do to help you get there by the end of this episode. So stay tuned. We'll be right back in one moment with that. Hey, what's up, J dawg? Sup, whizzy? Nothing. Hey, man, I just saw this video on YouTube from this pickup artist dude. He says he slept with 40,000 women. Damn. I know. He said, if you want to hook up, you have to make fun of women so they want you. I can dig it. Word. I'm going to try it now with her. Check this out. Hey, how you doing? I'm doing okay. Cool, cool. Your shirt is really big. It doesn't fit you very well. What a mean thing to say. Jerk. Uh, yeah. It looks like the kind of shirt a woman who is much fatter than you are would wear. Ugh. Get away from me. Okay. How'd it go, man? Pretty good. She talked with me for, like, 30 seconds. Damn. That's a long time, man. Did you get her number? Almost, but then she had to go. Damn. Are you tired of pickup artist tactics and approaches that don't feel genuine? 30 days to dating Mastery teaches you proven confidence building principles to increase your confidence with women, all while being yourself. No manipulative tactics needed. Go to 30days to datingmastery.com to get your copy today. Welcome back. So now we're going to get into the big lie. This is something that you are probably telling yourself right now about those things that you want, especially the things that you think are, quote, not possible. Hard lines. Right. Here it is. It won't work out anyway for me, so why try? I can't. It's not going to work out for me, so why even try? Why even put in the effort. There's a guy that I'm working with, he's a young guy, he's in his early 20s, and he was really, really debilitated by shyness. We've been working with you for a while now, almost a year, and he is in a very different place. I mean, he's going to parties, he's got more friends, he's dating. Totally transformed. But you know what? He's still stalling out when it comes to finding his career path. What do I want to do in this life? And he kind of got the safe track. Well, maybe he's interested in child psychology and he majored in that in college psychology. He's like, well, I can maybe work with kids, get a social work degree or something like that, which is an awesome career. But whenever he says that, he's kind of like, meh. And so I ask him, well, what do you really want to do? What are you really excited about? And he kind of shakes his head and is like, I don't know. You don't know? Or you have judgments about what you do know? He paused and he thought, well, to be honest, what I'd love to do is work in the NBA. I said, interesting. What would you want to do there? He's like, to be honest, I'd love to be an assistant coach for an NBA team. And he kind of like sat there, like bracing himself as if I was going to laugh at him or throw something at him. And you know what I said to him? Fuck, yeah, absolutely. I love that. What a big vision. What an awesome goal. And his energy was so different when he started talking about it. His passion was so apparent. But guess what he said then, that's not going to work out for me anyway, so why try? There's no way I'm going to get there. Who am I to be able to do that? It reminds me of a story that I learned from Les Brown, who's an awesome motivational speaker. If you don't know him, look him up on YouTube right now. Les and then Brown, as in the color Les Brown. Awesome speaker, very motivational, very inspiring. But he tells a story about he's walking down the street and he hears this kind of high pitched moaning sound from an animal. And as he gets closer, he sees this old couple sitting on their stoop on their porch and there's an old guy in his rocking chair and his wife's next to him knitting. And in between them is this ancient bloodhound dog kind of laying on the porch. And that's where the sound has come from. It's saying, oh. So as he gets closer, Les says, hey, you know your dog is moaning? And the old guy looks up and says, yeah, he does that. And Les says, whoa, what's going on? Why? What's wrong with him? And the old guy says, well, he's laying on a nail. And Les pauses and says, well, why doesn't he get up? And the old man chuckles, says, well, it doesn't hurt that bad. And that's what most of us are doing right now. We want to follow the dream. We want to be the NBA assistant coach. We want to create our own business. We want to find the love of our lives. We want to be more social and go on fun adventures and exciting trips. But it doesn't hurt that bad to just say, oh, it's never going to work out. I'm not. No, no, thanks. And in order to make it not hurt bad, we find ways to soothe ourselves. We find ways to numb ourselves from the. The discomfort of not going after our passion, our purpose, and our dreams. We all have our strategies to kind of numb that pain a little bit, to not feel it. What are some of yours really? Common ones are you get home at the end of the day, you're working in a job that's not your thing. It's just kind of a way to pay the bills. And there's something in you, some passion to do something else. Maybe you want to make more friends so you can have some fun, exciting times in your life. Maybe you want to meet a woman to create an exciting relationship with. Maybe you want to work on your side business so you can be doing something that you think is really cool in the world. But then there's that, well, you couldn't do it anyway, so why try? And that hurts. That's the nail. And then what do we do? We don't stay in that moment very long. We find some way to distract. To numb that pain out. What do you do? Do you reach for the remote and just start watching tv? Oh, this sucks. I guess I'll just watch a few episodes of this show. And you finish the first episode and you're like, eh, watch another one. Eh, watch another one. And it's three in the morning. You need to go to bed. Maybe it's food. Maybe you're like, oh, man, I'm just gonna eat some nachos. That's one of my comfort foods. Mmm, nachos. And you eat that and you feel temporarily better. Maybe it's video games. Maybe you just get absorbed in video games for hours and hours and hours, and you don't have to focus on these things. Maybe it's Internet porn. I mean, that's a powerful way to shift your focus, get out of your head and not think about all this stuff. What is it for you? You know, I know when I was in college and at that time, I was not able to talk to women, I was really inhibited by shyness. I would go to a party with some friends, and we would just stand there and have a drink in our hands, and I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, but I really wanted to be able to talk to women, and I couldn't. I was terrified. Thought they were going to reject me. And so I would just sort of have these sort of disappointing nights. And there were two kinds of guys that would go out. You know, we had a lot of friends were from my dorm. So a lot. You kind of go out in a big group, and there were two kinds of guys. They were the guys who were more able to go after what they wanted. And they would go talk to women. They'd interact with women. They'd get numbers. Some of them would even go home with women or go to another party with the woman they just met. And then there are guys like me and the guys that didn't do that. You know what they do. You reach sort of a point in the night. It's like, I don't know, 12:31am and kind of the guys that are going to go off to do something more exciting have already done it. And it's just like three or four of me and my friends, and it's like, whoa, what are we gonna do? And invariably, someone would say, dude, let's go get stoned and go to Freebirds. And Freebirds was like a burrito place that was open all night and just catered to, like, drunk high college kids, right? Or it'll be like, let's go get stoned and watch the Big Lebowski, man. And it always involved using some substance, alcohol or pot, to, like, numb the pain a little bit and then distract yourself. And these were really fun times. I had great times at Freebirds and watching movies and friends. So I'm not saying this is bad, but it is a way of dealing with the pain, of thinking it's not possible, of not going after what you want. But I found a much more satisfying way to deal with this problem is to go after what you really want is to break through that numb barrier of I can't do it. And Distraction and getting away from the feelings and saying, you know what? I need to make a shift here. I need to make this happen. I need to be willing to do whatever it takes. And the paradox is the great irony is that in order to get to that place of doing whatever it takes, the pain will actually serve you. The pain that you feel is a good thing. It's going to help you in the long run. So in the next segment, we're going to jump into how to use that pain, how to get yourself to be motivated to get to be that place, to saying, yeah, damn it, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. So stay tuned. Right after this break, we're going to get in with some really powerful techniques to help you get to that place of inspiration, motivation, and ultimately action towards your goals and your dreams. Stay tuned.

No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. You're so ugly, why would anyone pay you more? No, I can't. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. Tired of the same old loop in your brain? Are you ready for something different? Positive thinking won't get you there. You need to systematically dismantle your old toxic ideas and profoundly shift your mindset. Join Dr. Aziz in confidence unleashed as he guides you through dozens of powerful exercises to transform your confidence on the deepest level. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com to get your copy today.

Welcome back. So how do you get motivated to take action, massive action in your life? Because the reality is for this guy that I'm working with to become an assistant NBA coach, he's got to be one dedicated person, doesn't he? I mean, if you follow the path of how people get to positions like that, it's not like they're 22 years old. They like a lot of basketball. They show up and say, hey, we're in Portland here. So he shows up to the Blazers and says, hey, you know, I've been thinking about being an assistant coach. You might want to consider me for the position. It doesn't work that way, right? So he has to be willing to do whatever it takes. And I asked him, and he's really actually a bright guy. So he thought about this a little bit. I said, so how do people get to that position of being an assistant coach? And he's like, well, a really common story is they just take any position. They're like a video editor or in some way involved in the organization, and they just keep focusing on what's the next step that I Can take. How can I get involved? They pay their dues, they start at the very bottom. There's an awesome book called Be so Good, they Can't Ignore youe by Cal Newport, which really goes into this way of how do we get the careers that we want? How do we do what we're excited and passionate about in life? And, and it doesn't involve just saying, you know what? I'm really passionate about being an NBA coach, so I'm gonna do that and it's gonna be great the whole way. No, he really advocates a long term vision. Go after what you really want, but be willing to do stuff that's not that great along the way and just keep building up your skillset so you become, as the title says, so good at whatever you wanna do that they can't ignore you. So what we have to do is take massive consistent action. We have to be dedicated and as you know, that takes motivation that can be difficult to find. So how do we do that? Well, this is a really powerful technique. It comes from neuro linguistic programming and it's about how we use emotional states to drive us. And there are two things that we can do. We can feel the pain and have that be a motivator. Because nothing is the most powerful motivator like dissatisfaction and pain and hurt. You know, to be honest, I didn't really start looking at overcoming my shyness. Even though I lived in it for 10 years. Really making a shift until I had a number of experiences of women that I was really attracted to that I took forever to build up the courage to ask them out. We went on one date and then they were like, nyeh, you're not nice, you're a friendy nice guy. I don't want to hang out with you again. And that happened to happen to me several times. And just feeling this like pain pent up pain of like oh my God, I'm never gonna find anyone. What's happening? This is terrible. And that motivated me to take action. And it's the same thing true for people who really get one of my programs or reach out to me about confidence coaching and want to invest in themselves to do that. There's always some triggering event of pain because if it doesn't hurt, we're just like, yeah, I'll do it later, I'll worry about that later. Yeah, I mean very few people are super forward thinking and say, well that could be a problem in years. So I'm going to deal with it now. It's like, no, we wait till it really hurts. So what I want you to do right now, as you're listening, is think about one thing that you want. We're not going to focus on all of them now. You can go back and do this later for each different area, but think about one area. Whether it's your career, your social life, your social network, your friend group, your dating life. Think about one area where you're not getting what you want and you really want something different. And don't avoid it, don't downplay it. Really focus on that. What does it feel like to see someone that you want to start a conversation with and then not be able to. What does it feel like to go to sleep each Friday night alone and be missing connection with someone and having the sense that you're never gonna have that connection? What does that feel like? Can you actually associate to that pain? I know this might be unpleasant. You might be thinking like, geez, why are we. I don't wanna do this. No, get away, get away. But go into it, feel it for just a minute and think about, wow, what is my life gonna be like in three years if I don't do something about this right now and really imagine, extend that pain forward. Look, things don't magically change on your. On your own. Your job's not going to become amazingly magically awesome. You're not somehow just going to find the love of your life if you've never built the confidence to actually talk to women. It's not going to happen. That's a lie. That's a big lie that you tell yourself to stay stuck. No, you got to feel the pain of, holy shit, this is my life. And I don't know what your spiritual and religious beliefs are, but as far as anything is verified, this is our one shot. Maybe there's another one. Maybe there's a utopia in heaven, or maybe there's a reincarnation. No one really knows. But this for sure is your one shot. We know that this is a shot that you have in this life. And are you living it? Are you living it fully and feel the pain of it? If you're not, really let yourself go into it because that pain will drive you. That pain will motivate you. That pain will give you a relentless courage to do whatever the hell it takes to get there. That pain is your driver. That pain is your friend. If you use it now, if you feel that pain and say, well, that's because I'm never gonna get it, that's a big lie. Remember that from the earlier section. That's a big lie. That's not true. That pain is just telling you that there's something that's important to you that you need to make happen in your life. And you absolutely can do that if you're willing to do whatever it takes. I mean, I was in such a place of pain around dating and relationships that I got something on the Internet. It was a pickup artist thing that basically said, go out and start talking to women. And I hadn't done that for my entire freaking life. And the very next day, I went out and started a conversation with a woman, and it went terribly, by the way. But it doesn't matter because I started on the process and that pain is what drove me. So that's going to be your driving force. But guess what? It doesn't have to be all, you know, all pain. It's not all pain and gain. You can find the pleasure in this, too. So think for a minute, maybe take a deep breath and just let go of what we were focused on. And now let's focus on imagine if you really got what you wanted, what was that thing that you were focusing on? If we're looking at the area of dating relationships, imagine what it would feel like to wake up the next morning with someone that you are excited to be with, that makes you smile. And you look over and she's asleep in your bed. And she just looks so beautiful with her face on the pillow. And you're looking at her and you're just like, wow, I'm the luckiest guy in the world that she spending time with me. This is so amazing. Or maybe you picked your career, right? And for this guy that I'm working with, really imagine what would it feel like to be on the sidelines of a huge basketball stadium and knowing that I'm intricately involved with these players and their lives and this sport that I love so much, that I've been passionate about since I've been as early as I can remember, five years old, what would that really feel like? And vividly imagining that, not as some abstract thing or idea, but really make it real in your mind. And if you're listening to this right now and you can close your eyes, do so and really create that image of that thing that you want and make it brighter and bigger in your mind's eye. More vivid, more details, more textures, more colors. Add sound in, add smells, add vividness of the colors. Really see it. Build the scene. If it's a still image, start turning it into a movie in your mind. What is it that you really want? And then breathe in and feel. What would it feel like to really have this in your life? That is another powerful driving force. That is your moving towards pleasure. Moving away from pain and moving towards pleasure are the powerful driving forces in your life. So if you can do that, then you're going to have the motivation and the drive to do whatever it takes to get to where you want to go in life. And that is going to be your action step for today. Time for action. Your action step is to associate yourself to what you really want. Go through this exercise that we just did and really do it with something that's important in your life. Stop numbing yourself and start taking action with that motivation that you have. Create a plan, make a list. What are all the things that I could do to get my first job into the NBA? Even if I'm a super low level grunt guy who's cleaning out the stadium afterwards, If I want to meet a woman and create a relationship, what is the first thing that I could do? What is a program I could buy? What is a book I could read? What are some actions I could take? Make a list and then just start taking massive action. Because ultimately the biggest secret is it is possible no matter what it is, if you're passionate about it and it's important to you, it is possible. If you are willing to do whatever it takes and then you do whatever it takes again and again and you have a long term game, you don't expect to get it in a week, you're saying, okay, this might take me a year. In the case of this guy who wants to be an NBA assistant coach, that might take him 10 years. But he's going to be pursuing what matters to him and to me. That leads to a life of passion and fulfillment and excitement. So finding that thing for you and then let me know how it goes. What do you discover? What do you find? And share that with me. Go to the website. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com you can send me a voicemail through the website. You can send me an email, you can call our hotline that's on the website. Let me know how it goes for you. You can also ask me questions. By all means. You can also check us out on facebook@facebook.com shrinkforthyguy and I look forward to connecting with you there. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the ship with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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