Jealousy, Envy, And Insecurity—Oh My!

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about everyone's favorite topic. Jealousy, envy, insecurity in romantic relationships. And you know, it could show up elsewhere as well, but we're really going to look at that area and you know, where do you get triggered? Where are your sensitive spots? Where are your insecurities, how to deal with it too, because the issue is not often just the jealousy, it's how you deal with the jealousy or maybe what your initial impulses to do with those feelings or from that place. And you know, is it possible to be free of it more if we increase our confidence, Are we less jealous, less envious? And what is the role of insecurity with jealousy and envy? You're going to learn all about that in today's episode and it's going to leave you with, well, a greater sense of confidence in your romantic relationships, your connections, so you can feel more secure, more at ease, more confident and more free to just be you. Sound good? Okay, Fitting topic because coming up very soon we have our next virtual event live, taught by me three days and that's in November. And if you're not on my email list already, I highly recommend you go register or just sign up for my email list. You'll get a free course too, a mini course that'll send your way and tons of valuable training and content. So if you're not already there, go there now. You can just go to draziz.com that'S-R-A Z I Z.com sign up, get on the email list and then you'll be able to get special early access to the event. Super early bird pricing. That takes a significant amount off of the tickets. And so it's a great way to get dive into that virtual event. And if you want to improve your confidence in your love life, you're going to want to be at this event. We do it Once a year, you can join from anywhere in the world, and I highly recommend that you attend that. So go ahead and get on the email list to find out more details. The event itself is in November. Okay, now, jealousy, envy, what's the difference? How much does confidence and insecurity have a part of it? If I feel jealous, does that mean I'm inherently, you know, not confident or insecure? Or is there a way to feel jealous and be confident? Let's talk about all of that. First things first, let's separate jealousy and envy. Envy is when you perceive that there's something that you desire and someone else displays that thing or has that thing that you desire and you feel desire combined with. Now, it can go a few different ways. Generally, when people use the word envy, they're talking about going the negative way, which is, you see that person, they have the thing you want, they look the way that you want, or they're confident in the way that you want, or they drive the car that you want, or they have the success that you want, or whatever you desire what they have. And then it's combined with a perception or a story that you cannot also have it, too. Right? Do you see that? It's very different than, like, oh, look at her. She looks like that. Or look at him. He's had that success. Well, I'm on my way there, too, so great. No, no, usually not. It's like, oh, ow. I'm never gonna be like that. And then there's stories that come out of that story, right? They're better than me, I'm less than them, I'm a nobo, not worth it, or whatever comes out of that. Or maybe it flips to anger or judgment of them. Look at them, looking so fancy. And they think they're this and that, and they think they're better than me, and they must have it easier than me. And they were just born with a silver spoon in their mouth, so we can go off to the races from there. All stemming from those two things. I desire what they have, and I believe on some level that I can't have it too. Now, what's interesting is envy can also go in a different direction. If you perceive something that someone has or is doing and that's not combined with, I can't have that, then it actually can become a source of fuel. Wow, look what that person's doing. Hey, I want to do more of that, too. And you might not even use the word envy because it feels very different. Envy tends to feel pretty bad. Envy has Almost like a hopeless, helpless, despairing, resentful flavor to it. Whereas this other feeling still involves like, hey, I want what they want, what they got. But what is the difference? The difference is confidence, belief in self, efficacy. I can create that, I can have that. I can look like that. I can earn that. I can whatever, have that, you know? So typical example in relationships that you might relate to. I certainly experienced this for many years. You know, I'd be out and about in the world and I'd see a couple holding hands, and I'm heterosexual, so I would notice the heterosexual couple. I wouldn't feel envy necessarily as much of an other, maybe a homosexual couple, because that was not what I was looking at and comparing myself to. But I would look at a heterosexual couple, and I would see them, and they'd be holding hands and they look like they were in love or at least connected with each other. And I'd feel this like, it was envy. It was like, oh, look at him. He's with her. And I'm never gonna have that crushing despair. So you might have that somewhere in your life. It could be literally about a relationship. It could be about a certain kind of relationship. Like, not just be with somebody at that point. I never really had a girlfriend of my own choosing. So, you know. But then later on, it could be like, oh, maybe I can't have a lasting relationship or a relationship of a certain quality. Or, look at how those partners treat each other. I'll never have that. Or all my relationships are dysfunctional. So you see someone that's got a healthy, extraordinary relationship, and you're like, so that's envy. So an interesting thing to think about right now in this discussion of envy is what would it be like if you saw, oh, yeah, I do want that. I desire that, and I can create that. What if you could? Does that change things? Is it a fuel now? Are they a mentor or a model that you can learn from rather than someone who's rubbing your face in your own, you know, inferiority? Fascinating, huh? So that's envy. Let's talk about jealousy. Jealousy tends to have a more interpersonal quality, right? Like you could envy someone's. You know, it doesn't have to be a relationship you envy. You could envy someone's house, right? So it could be about anything that someone has or does or is or whatever. Jealousy tends to have a more interpersonal quality to it. And there's a sense of threat of losing something. So often it's so and so is gonna. You know, a friend of mine or my partner or my lover or my new date or whatever is gonna. Or the person that I'm eyeing that I wanna go date. They're not even dating me yet. I'm still jealous of it. You know, like they are gonna choose something or do something and I'm gonna experience loss. You know, the simplest example is they're going to choose to date someone else or choose to talk to someone else. It's not even that they're gonna leave you, but just they're talking to someone else. And that might be a step down the road according to that party. That's scared though, right? It's like, oh, that's one step closer to them leaving me. I'm gonna lose them. I'm gonna lose their attention, I'm gonna lose their love, I'm gonna lose this relationship, I'm gonna lose respect. I'm gonna lose something. And then there's this fear that gets activated. And that fear, you could think of fear as a part of the fight, flight, freeze response. And you might flight, you kind of withdraw, pull into yourself and there's kind of this, like, get away from the situation. You might freeze and do nothing or you might fight. And that could be literally a fight. That's kind of like the, you know, fraternity brother example in a university setting. It's like you talking to her, you talking to my lady, and then they just fight it out. But that's depends on where you're at and what age and what group and what groups you hang out in. Not super common in a lot of places with adults, but it can tend to evoke that. And whether the fight gets taken out in that moment or often what will happen is people will store up this. They'll feel afraid of loss and they don't like that insecurity. And then they get angry at the partner or angry at the person. Now if they're not in a relationship with that person, then the anger can't. They just almost don't feel entitled to it, right? Because what are you gonna do? Hey, I was thinking of asking you out and now you're talking to that other guy. Like, no way. Like, okay, psycho, right? But if it's in a relationship and then, you know, your partner was talking to somebody and they were lighting up and they were smiling and flirting, and then you're like, then the way home, it's like, why do you. Now if you could be authentic in that moment or you could be, you know, veiled. And a lot of times people veil it and then they'll Just pick a fight about something else. You know, maybe they'll talk about something totally random. They'll pick a topic they know they both can fight about till the cows come home, right? Like, you know, what you don't do enough in life is take care of your responsibilities, honey. Like what? I don't know, but let's fight about it, right? Or people might unveil a little bit and say, why are you always so, you know, overly flirtatious with other people at parties or whatever. It's a little more, you know, it's kind of to the issue, but still pretty veiled. And there's the more unveiled approach, the more authentic approach, which we could talk about how you might communicate that, you know, skillfully. But before we get into how to communicate around jealousy skillfully, got to understand what it is and where it's coming from now is, you know, what's the relationship with insecurity here? Because if I'm not insecure, will I feel jealous? And the answer is, well, it depends. The more secure you are either in yourself or in the relationship or both, the less jealousy you will tend to feel. Now, there's some exceptions, which I'll get into a minute, but let me give you. Make sure this is very clear so you can follow it. Because this is part of your freedom right here, is as you build your confidence, you'll become less jealous. And here's why. Because one, if you're secure in the relationship and you've created a, you know, so when I say secure in the relationship, what do I mean? Does that mean, like, I know my sweetie's gonna be home by 5:30pm and we're watching Netflix together and then go to bed? No, that's certainty in the relationship. But secure in this case, I mean, is referencing attachment theory. So attachment theory is all about how humans bond together. And there are generally three categories that a relationship can fall into. One is secure, which means I know that you're there for me and I'm there for you, that you're not, you know, it's not threatened, you're not going somewhere at the slightest change of the wind. And I know I can be myself, I can express myself and you can express yourself. And we're going to navigate and work things through together. There's a sense of stability and trust there. Insecure is a second category, and that could be either anxious attachment, which is like, are you going to leave? Are you going to leave? I don't know if you're going to leave. A little graspy. A Little scared. And the other side is avoidant. And avoidant is kind of like, I don't need nobody. I could just walk out right at the door. I don't care right now. Interestingly enough, in both the anxious and the avoidant styles, both people are scared underneath. The avoidant person doesn't look as scared. They look kind of aloof, but they're actually scared. That's their way of dealing with the fear. The fear of what? Fear of being left, fear of being abandoned, fear of losing love, fear of pain, fear of heartache, fear of devastation. So you have a style of relating that you've practiced. Now, I don't believe in the categorical identity of your attachment style. Like, you are an insecure attacher. You have an anxious style, you have an avoidance style. That's who you are and how you always will be. Bs. Total, complete and total bullshit. That's just my perspective on any sort of label. I'm like, hey, the human animal, the human organism, the brain, the nervous system, the patterns, the emotion, the physiology, the thoughts, the beliefs, the stories, the actions, the perspectives. Everything is malleable. Nothing in life is fixed. Nothing is permanent. You are not fixed. You are not permanent. No story is set in stone. No history determines your future. The past does not equal the future. And everything can change, and everything is fluid. And that's true for any medical diagnosis, every psychiatric diagnosis, and in this case, attachment style. So I tended to have a lot of avoidant attachment. That was my way of dealing with fear of being hurt, fear of being left, fear of not being good enough. It's like, well, I'll just leave first. I don't attach. I don't need nothing. And that was a pattern that I ran for many years until I started to learn how to do something different. And you can learn how to develop a more secure attachment. Now, that takes practice and development. I highly recommend the relationship workshop that I'm teaching, Unlimited Dating and Relationship confidence. Because that's really what it's all about, right? Is confidence. That's what's going to help you develop a better attachment style and learn how to communicate more vulnerably, more skillfully, Work with the feelings inside that make you want to run away or grasp and become more solid in yourself. So if you attach more securely with someone, then you'll feel less jealous. That just kind of makes no duh sense, right? So then when you see your partner talking to somebody, you might be like, oh, you know, I don't know. If I see Candace, it's, you know, These days, especially with COVID it's rare that we're, like, out and about and she's flirting and everything. But, you know, I don't know if I see her light up as she's talking to somebody or talking to a man. And I like watching her light up. And there's a security in the relationship, so I'm not like, oh, my God, if she lights up, she's gonna leave me, right? So now where is that coming from? Well, that's coming from the quality of the relationship, plus the attachment style that I've grown into with her. Now, it could be different. Let's say she was a lot younger and a lot more immature and a lot more unclear in herself. You know, that can happen. Or you may be in a relationship with the person's like, yeah, I'm totally into you. And then the next thing you know, they're like, really, you know, talking to someone else and flirting, and then maybe being, like, cold and distant with you, and it's like, whoa. You know, that's. There's an insecurity in that relationship. Right? So that can tend to bring out more jealousy. Now, we often attribute it to the relationship, but generally the source is you to start, and it might be you in terms of that you're anxious or you're avoidant, and then you tend to attract somebody. So that person tends to maybe not be the most secure in their attachment. Common pattern, which is a match made in heaven, is the anxious attachment pattern. Person running that pattern is with someone who runs the pattern of avoidant. And you can just imagine how that goes fantastically right now. There's another piece, though, about security, which is really interesting, which is actually outside of that particular person that you're with, your own sense of romantic confidence that provides a different kind of security. So I found that I remember when I first started, the first woman I fell in love with, I was very, very jealous a lot. And part of it was that she was a bit more hot and cold with me, so it messed with my attachment a little bit. But also, I was very. I had not learned how to develop secure attachment and be vulnerable and connect and express and communicate and all that. And at the same time, I did not have very much romantic confidence. What do I mean by romantic confidence? Well, and this is something that we build a ton on the weekend, which is knowing your value, knowing you're awesome, knowing, like, of course, someone. Like, someone to be a partner of mine or to date me or be with me. That's like a. That's a win, that's a huge win, that's a gift in their life. And if you're hearing me say that and it sounds like arrogant to you or egotistical or oh my God, that sounds too much, that is probably a reflection. If it doesn't resonate with you, what I'm saying and it creates dissonance in you, that's because there's some level of insecurity there to claim and own the value that you bring. And if it's not true, if you don't think you're awesome to be with a, you're probably just, you know, being self critical and discounting your own strengths and value that you bring and say, well I don't have six pack abs and a billion dollars in the bank so what could this person want with me? And it's like you're not seeing what's really true in life, what really matters in love and connection. And you're probably discounting your kindness and your capacity to listen and to love and to, you know, just provide your own insights and companionship in this life and owning your lovability outside of your performance and your achieving and maybe you want to also step into your life more. The more you step into your life, the more you go after what you want, the more you build your own confidence and create something extraordinary then the more you feel like, yeah, I'm awesome, of course someone want to be with me. Now the more you have that, the more your partner's talking to somebody else or the person you're dating is talking to someone else, you're kind of like, okay, I mean, yeah, sure that person's handsome or she's beautiful. But yeah, of course I'm great. There's no threat to me there. So long term building of your confidence and self esteem tends to just plummet the jealousy. And I look at that in my own experience in my relationships. I remember early on this is in the first year that Candice and I got together, there was a man that I really looked up to and I thought he was more handsome than me and more charming than me and all these things. And so she was talking to him, connecting and he's funny and so he's making her laugh. And I just remember I was like flooded with jealousy like and you know the feeling I'm talking about, it's like this horrible feeling of like anger, fear and just worthlessness. It's terrible. And now I look at the scenario and I'm like, wow. And he's still a friend of mine. Today. And I love him, and I just don't feel any. I wouldn't feel any threat if he was hanging out with her. Even if they're like, hey, we wanted. They haven't done this, and we're busy raising kids, so it's unlikely she'd be like, hey, I'm gonna go on a weekend getaway with this friend of yours, or whatever. I still wouldn't feel like a threat to the relationship because there's a sense of, well, again, trust and the secure of the relationship. But there's also a sense of, like, well, yeah, I mean, he's awesome in his ways, and I'm awesome. And she chose me and she chooses me. And of course she does, because I'm awesome, You know? And again, this is something that it's not just saying it, it's feeling it and knowing it. And then a lot of your actions and your behaviors come out of that place. So when you. What do you do? Let's say you're not there yet. How do you build that? Well, one, focus on building your romantic confidence. That doesn't just happen to you. That's like saying, I just hope I get in shape. It's like, well, what are you doing to get in shape? Are you working out regularly? Are you studying that stuff? Are you measuring things? Are you getting support? Are you getting coaching? What are you doing? And if you're doing nothing, you're not going to get in shape or better shape or achieve the goals you have for your physical fitness. It's the same thing with this. What are you studying? What are you doing? I have this program in Confidence University called Dating and Relationship Mastery. We have this event coming up that I'm doing. Are you immersing yourself in environments where you can really learn this stuff? And when you do, it changes everything. I remember we had a man who attended this event a couple years ago, and he told me afterwards, he said, aziz, on the last day, you had a panel. And we do this every year. I think of all the couples that I know, and sometimes it's just people I know from my own life, and sometimes it's clients in my Mastermind program or former clients who've just achieved extraordinary relationships and created those. And so I call them up or message them and say, hey, I'd love to have you on this little panel for my live event or my virtual live event. And so we get three couples, typically, and I interview them. And some people, it's just like their favorite part because it's not me teaching. It's them teaching. And it's not just theoretical. It is real. And they're demonstrating their vulnerability and their courage and their willingness to speak in front of a room of whatever, 100, 200 people and share about their intimate experience. And I remember after one of these panels, this event participant came up to me and said, aziz, that was both inspiring and devastating to watch. I said, wow, tell me more. He said, well, it was inspiring to see these couples who didn't know how to do this, and then they learned how to create a relationship. And that. That was inspiring. I was like, great, Good. That's the point, right? And I said, well, tell me what was devastating about it. He said, what was devastating is I realized that I've never had a relationship in my life anywhere near anything. That what they're talking about is. I said, ah, let me ask you this question. He said, what? I said, on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is 100% certain, and 1 is like, no chance in hell, how much do you believe that with study, practice, learning, and the right mentorship, the right whatever, right inputs that you could experience something like that? And he paused and he said, I mean, I want to say it's higher, but it's about a five. I said, exactly. That's why you're devastated, because if it was higher, you'd be inspired. If it was higher, you'd be determined, you'd be motivated, you'd be hungry, you'd be learning like crazy. There's a part of you that's saying it's not even possible, so don't even try. Now, what part of him is telling him it's not even possible is a pop quiz. If you're a longtime listener of the show, it's the safety police. Because is it possible for him to learn? Doesn't matter what his past was. I mean, this guy was in his 50s. Like, maybe older, maybe his 60s. Yeah, maybe. Let's say 50s. Like, does it matter that his mom and dad didn't model effective communication at this point in his life? No, he can learn new things. In fact, he was extremely successful in business. So I actually brought it back to that. I was like, let's say you're gonna start, you know, put a new thing in your business or start a new business in a new industry. What did you do? And he'd be like, well, I would do this, this, and that. I say that, and I do that. And I got him talking for about a minute. I said, great. Now look at your energy. Look at your. What emotions Are coming through you right now. What's your state of consciousness? Okay, great. Do you think you could succeed in that area? It's like, oh, yeah. 10 out of 10 said, great. Now look at when you talk about relationships. And he implodes and his energy is low. Why? Because there's a part of him that does not want to have that open, authentic, extraordinary relationship. He says he wants it. You might say you want it. We all say we want it. But there's another, you know, there's another part of you that might not want it. And how do you know which is true? Well, see what you're doing? Observe, watch, watch. Which part's driving the bus? Cause we all have that safety police part that says, wait a minute, wait a minute. I gotta put myself out there. Not only that, but I gotta do it in a different way than I've done before where I'm more real, more authentic. And as I start to get closer to the person, I'm more vulnerable. And that means I could get hurt more. Oh, God, I don't know. That's a pretty steep ticket to entry for that ride. Maybe I'll just stay on the sidelines and say, oh, I can't do that ride. I got a bad neck. You know, my jeans. Right. Some vague excuse. The question for you is, are you tired of the excuses? Are you tired of those stories dominating your life? So if so, what are you gonna do about it? What are you ready to do about it? In fact, it's a great time to transition to action, isn't it? Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is to wait until the next time someone makes you jealous. Notice that language? They make you jealous. Then you go over there and you sucker punch them in the back of the head. If you learn anything from this episode, that's exactly. No, no, no, no, no. I want you to investigate the next time you feel jealous or envious. And when it happens, I want you to name it. You don't have to, you know, raise your hand and say, everybody, I'm feeling jealous. No, just name it to yourself. But use that. Use the word, am I jealous or am I envious? Do I feel jealousy or envy? Name it to yourself. And then I want you to scramble your own circuits by saying, I'm feeling jealous. Yes. Or, I'm feeling envious. Yes. And I want you to say yes in, like, an excited way, like you just won a ping pong match or something like that. Or a foosball game or some bet on a sporting event or whatever. Right. Yes. And then what? Then you get curious. Then you investigate. You know, re listen to this episode if you need to, to get more of the nuances. You want to study this sucker because that's going to help you see, like, what's happening. Am I attached? Am I needing their approval? Am I not wanting to lose something? Am I telling myself I can't have it? Like, take everything you learned from this episode and bring it into practical awareness as you witness the jealousy or the envy arising. That's going to be a huge step to become more free. And as always, if you want to become even more free faster than I recommend the three day immersion, you can do it from anywhere in the world. If you got the Internet and you're listening to this, you can attend the event. And it's going to be a powerful three days. So let's not stop here. Let's go further. If you can join the email list to find out more until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, e books and training videos related to overcoming coming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.