Just Say No

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, Happy Halloween. Today we're going to be talking about Just say no. What do I mean by that? Well, you're going to find out. I'm excited to be with you today. I don't know if you're listening to this exactly on Halloween or it's the next day or whatever, but I hope you do something fun. And if you're in a country that doesn't have celebrate Halloween, Americans are crazy with what we do with Halloween. Then Happy All Souls Day or whatever, whatever holiday festive mood right now. So it's funny because I'm not really even that big of a Halloween guy. I just love fall. I love the smell in the air. I love the leaves turning. It's awesome. And I want to share a story with you, actually two stories with you about saying no and the importance of saying no. And they're Halloween related, at least one of them is. And I think they're really going to serve you in your life to know when you can say no more freely, more openly. And of course, if you haven't read my book, not nice. Get yourself a copy of that. You can get it on audible, on Amazon, Kindle paperback, tons of great. There's a whole chapter in there about saying no. But the whole book is really setting you up to be able to do that kind of thing more freely and easily. So let's get into it. Chapter one of this story, this two parter occurred. What is it now? Two years ago. Two years ago on Halloween. So Zion was three and now he's almost five. So he's like I guess two and two and 11 months or whatever. And he could understand Halloween more and was interested in giving something out to trick or treaters. We kind of explained the concept to him, but we're going to take him trick or treating. We're not going to do that. We don't really eat candy in our house and don't want him to be exposed to that stuff. And you could agree or disagree with that, but that's how we want to do things, is kind of instill more health and consciousness around what we eat. So. But you know, he's excited about people coming to our house. And they're gonna be in costumes. We could give him something. So I figured we got some, you know, we were the house on the block that gave away shit that no one wanted. You know, like, here's a box of raisins. Anyway, that was us. And so we had our thing to give out. And maybe there's something a little better than that. Some sort of, you know, candy that wasn't too bad. And so he's excited to give it out to people. And he's asking about it all afternoon. When are the people gonna come? When are the people gonna come? And then come evening, this was the first year we'd been in this house. We'd moved there about six months before. Come evening, no one came. Like literally nobody. And it makes sense. Our street's not that busy. There's not even sidewalks on our street. And across this big road kind of near us, there's houses that are, I don't know, more dense and a little nicer. And so I think people go trick or treating there. Instead, we're on the wrong side of the tracks. And so he's disappointed. It's not even that dark out, I don't think. And we're like, well, let's go to Alberta street, which is just down the street from our house. It's kind of this. It's got a lot of shops and restaurants and stuff. And a lot of people go there in their costumes and bring their kids there and kind of walk around. And I think a lot of the story, even giving out some candy too. So we drive to Alberta. It's late afternoon, early evening, and we're walking down the street and Zaim is really interested in trying to find a kid who's 10 years old. For some reason, I don't know why, he's like, I'm going to ask kids how old they are until I find a 10 year old one. So he's kind of shy about it. So someone walks by and like, how old are you? How old are you? How old are you? And mostly ignored. Sometimes you get an answer. It's pretty cute. So we're hanging out. He's asking people questions as they walk by. It's a nice evening. And all of a sudden I think it was Iron Man. I think it was his Costume Iron man walks by this little, I don't know, five year old kid or something and he's got one of those plastic pumpkins that's full of candy. And somehow his mom notices that our son Zaim doesn't have any pumpkin and he doesn't have any candy. And she says, oh, whatever her son's name was, like, oh, Johnny, that little boy doesn't have any candy. Why don't you give him a piece? And it was kind of out of nowhere, like we didn't say anything. They just like she just noticed that and paused and stopped her son. And then her son like looks down slowly at his pumpkin, then looks back up at her, then slowly into the pumpkin. Clearly Johnny does not want to give one of his pieces of candy away. And she feels this. And I'm just sort of standing there like, what's happening? Why? Wait, no, I don't, we don't. He doesn't eat that stuff. But then that went through my mind. But then I was like, oh, but if I say like, oh no, he doesn't want to eat that, we don't eat that or whatever, that she's going to be like offended or feel. It was kind of this caretaking over responsibility thing, which I talk about in not nice. And it's like, okay, on the one hand, I don't want her to be upset or hurt was the main thing. She's going to think I'm rejecting her. And then also she's going to think that I'm judging what she's doing with her kid and thinking that she shouldn't be feeding her kid candy either. And then she's going to be hurt by that or upset by that. Like really extrapolating a lot of stuff. So that kind of nice person thinking leads to what? That's right. Passivity, not saying anything. And so I'm just sort of standing there awkwardly and just wondering what little Johnny's gonna do. Like is he gonna give him the candy or not? And the mom strong arms it. She's like, johnny, give him the candy. And so the kid does. He reaches in and gets out one of those circular. It's like a lollipop, little tiny lollipop with a red, some sort of fruity lollipop. And he gives it to Zaim and then he walks off. And then they were standing there and like Zaim's like, what is this? And he immediately starts to open it and can remember he's like almost three. He's never had candy before. And we're kind of like. And he's like, I want to eat it. I want to eat it. And we're like, no, no, we're not going to eat it. He's like, okay, I'm just going to touch it against my lips. So he takes the lollipop and puts it against his lip. And then he licks his lip. And then his eyes go, what is this? And then he puts it against his lips again. Now his lips are wet already, so more of it comes off. And he licks his lips and then puts the light up against his lips and then licks his lips. And then the light pop licks, you know, next. You know, it's kind of basically in his mouth. And I'm like, oh, no, bud, we're not gonna. We're not gonna do that. Now. In retrospect, I probably would just let him have it. Cause it's like, look, whatever, we're not gonna keep getting it for him. Just let him eat the freaking candy. Artificially colored thing. But I didn't. So I said, okay, we're done. Three more licks. And he did his licks and then I took it. And then he's like sobbing, and I pick him up and I'm holding him. We're walking down the street and he's just crying. He's like, you know? And I'm just like, oh, God, Worst Halloween ever. Damn you, woman. Forcing the candy upon my boy. All right, so it was very uncomfortable, but it was also fascinating. And I was like, why didn't I just say no? And that's when I realized, like, wow, this nice person programming is so deep. It's so ingrained, so habitual. But I did take something from that. And I said to myself, you know what? I'm not gonna do that again. I'm not gonna worry too much about how someone might take something. I'm just gonna. I'm not gonna actively judge her and say, look, you're a terrible parent. Because I don't think she's a terrible parent. I just think that we have different values and a different way of approaching health and parenting and all that stuff. So I just said, you know what? From now on in that situation, I'm just gonna relax, warmly say no. And I just decided that. I said, you know what? When I want to say no to something, I'm going to say no to something. And it really helped me. So I really encourage you to take this one to heart. And if you have one of those moments where you don't speak up for yourself, you don't say no. You're not assertive. You are too passive. Instead of imploding with it and being like, there I go again. I'm such a loser. I've always done this and I always will. Oh, I suck. You know, kind of going down that route. What if you said, hey, I'm going to use this as a motivator to help me decide to do something differently in the future so I don't have to feel that pain? That's exactly what I did. Flash forward. This was not too long ago. This was just this summer. So, you know, a year and a half later. And we're camping, and we're camping with some of my wife's family and we're just sitting around the campsite with our boys and their cousin and some other family members. And then out of nowhere, some people from a neighboring camp, I guess were packing up and it's a mom and her daughter and they show up and they're. I forget what kind of candy they're bringing. They're bringing some kind of candy and they're like, hey guys, we're just taking off and we just wanted to give you guys this. You know, it's some candy extra, we don't need it. And there's like a second pause. No one said anything. And I said, oh, well, thank you for the offer, but we don't eat that. I appreciate it though. And the mom was like, oh, okay, bye. And walked off. I was like, yeah, yeah, so smooth, so easy. Just like, no, this is just what I. This is what I want. This is what I don't want. You just say it really relaxed and easy, comfortable. And here's the thing, you're running like, yeah, but how do you get more comfortable with this stuff? This is a question that comes up a lot. It's like, how do I get more comfortable saying no? And the answer is to be uncomfortable saying no and just start to say it. Just say no. It's like those anti drug ads from the 80s they used to put on the video game arcades. Winners say no to drugs. You know, just say no, no to what you don't want. And you know, maybe at first it's a little awkward or you're a little clunky with it, or you have moments where you don't. Like I was describing earlier in myself. But then you have times that you do, and you have times that you do speak up and times that you do say what you want or say what you don't want, and you do assert yourself and Maybe the other person gets upset or you over explain or you feel sweaty and nervous as you do it, or your voice quavers or whatever. So what you did it. And that's what matters is practicing it, getting more familiar with it. The only way to get more comfortable with it is to do it a lot. And then as you do it, really reinforce the messages. And this is what I talk a lot about in Not Nice is really unraveling the nice person programming that says that you're bad, that you're wrong, that that over responsibility for other people's feelings. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to. Oh, they're going to be so upset about this. I'm such a bad person. The guilt really unraveling that stuff. And that's where if you haven't read Not Nice, you got to. Because it's going to highlight so much of this stuff for you. A lot of this is unconscious. You just feel bad and you don't know why. But you get to really start to see where this conditioning came from and how to be free of it. Because that's the next level of being comfortable with saying no is having complete and full permission to say no and then to say yes. And I'm still working on this one. I mean in all areas, right? And I don't think there's any perfection here. But one area that I notice I'm working on it is with my kids. Because I have this impulse inside of me, this program inside of me. It's like I should just say yes to everything. I mean, not everything, obviously not. Candy. You will not eat candy. You have a date. Eat a date. That's nature's candy. Shut up and eat it. Frozen grapes. Frozen grapes, man. Those are freakin awesome, man. Give me some frozen grapes after this episode. But when it comes to like wanting to play with me, that's probably the big one. I feel like because of my upbringing, because of wanting to play more with my dad when I was a kid and him being pretty busy and around but not really that available for play. And I really longed for that connection with him or stronger connection with him when I was a kid. I think I have this like I want to do that with my kids. I want to give them what I didn't have, you know, common scenario, right? But it goes too far where it's like basically anytime either of them wants to do any sort of play, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and do that with them, you know. So it's in the morning. And Candace, my wife, is at her workout class, and I'm there with them. I'm making them breakfast. I'm cleaning up the kitchen, and then we're going to play some, too. And. But often, one or both of my boys is just like, let's just play all morning. And my older son, now zaheem, is almost 5. He gets crafty that. He's like, what are you gonna do? And I'm like, well, I'm gonna put away the dishes, and I'm gonna make some almond milk or whatever. And he's like, mom can make the almond milk. And it's like, well, yeah, technically. But she also has other stuff to do, too. So if I just leave everything for her, like, here's the dishes, here's the almond milk. Here's whatever that isn't, you know, I want to carry my weight. So I'll say no to him. And what I notice is that I feel tense about it. Like, I don't have 100% permission yet to just say no or say yes, because on any given morning, I will play with them some and then I'll do something else. So it's. If I take a step back and just look at it from my values, like, am I being there? Am I being present? And I'm even engaging with them while I'm doing dishes and stuff. I'll talk with them and pause and interact with them. So I'm like, am I being present? Am I being engaged? Am I also playing some in the morning? Yeah, but that saying no is uncomfortable. I don't have permission to do this. So to me, here's the thing. Many years ago, and you might be in this place right now, you might say, oh, saying no, I feel bad. I shouldn't do it. That's wrong of me. Now, when I see that discomfort in myself, I just get really curious. Wow, what's the rule? I should always play with my kids when they want to. What is that? Do I agree with that? Where did I get that? You start to examine. You start to explore more. You start to question, is that really how I want to live my life? Is that a rule that I want to live by? Does that rule serve me? Does it restrict me? Can it be softened or changed or become more flexible? And when I start to examine it that way, then I start to find more permission. And the more permission we have, the more we can just say it in a really relaxed way. Because right now, I think sometimes when I say it to my son Zaim, it's a little bit defensive, like, no, I gotta do all these dishes, man. He, you know? Or like, no, I can't play with you right now. Cause I need to do this. And I'm like explaining myself. And it's not just this, like, loving, like, oh, sweetie, not right now. I can play with you in a little bit. And just being totally loving and relaxed. And even if I do that externally, internally, I'm like, I feel bad, I'm uncomfortable. So that's part of the process too, is you might get more smooth externally, but internally you're still uncomfortable. But I'm working at it. Oh yeah. I'm gonna say no to my kids all the time. Feel great about it. What? So the question for you is, where do you want to say no more? Like, scan your life right now. Where do you want to say no more? Is it at work? Say no to certain projects, no to certain people. Notice certain tasks, Know to certain time commitments, no to certain meetings. What do you want to say no to? What about in your personal life, your social life, certain friends, certain engagements, certain kinds of activities? You have so much choice, so much freedom here. Maybe there's a certain person you don't really want to hang out with, or maybe you want to hang out with them once a month instead of once a week. So you say no. What about they want to, you know, someone wants to do something and you don't really like that activity and you want to do something else with them? No, I don't really want to go to a movie. How about we go for a hike together? Or vice versa? I don't want to hike. Use my muscles and breathe fresh air. Fuck that. Let's go to a movie, eat some popcorn, right? So you say no to one thing and offer something else. What about in your relationship, in your dating life? What do you need to say no to? Maybe you're single, maybe you're dating someone. Maybe you're in a relationship. There's always little subtle things we want to say no to here. You just want to tune in and listen. Where do I want to say no? And then whenever you find that discomfort, that edge, like, go into that. In fact, let's turn that into your action step for today. Time for action. Action, action. So your action step for today is to think of the place that you want to say no. Or maybe you'll find one today or this week. A situation where you're like, ah, here's a situation I'd want to in. And maybe you do it straight away, but maybe not, you know, if it's easy or if you feel like it's right, you know, just beyond your comfort zone, you can reach for it, then say no. But otherwise, what I want you to do is just sit in that discomfort a little bit. Imagine saying no to your spouse, or imagine saying no to your kids. Or imagine saying no to something your parents want of you. Or that friend asks for something and you say no. Or someone at work says, can you get this? And you say, nah, I got too much on my plate right now. Just imagine one of those scenarios and then feel the burn. Maybe you feel it in your heart. You feel a quivery, uncomfortable. Usually it's some sort of fear, tension, anxiety, guilt. And just examine it. Just like I was describing with the saying no to my boys. Where did this come from? What is the rule? What is the fear here? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of something bad happening? If I'm feeling guilty, like, what's the rule that I broke? What is my mind saying? I should be like really go into that, really be with that. Don't run from it. Because when we run from it, we either don't say no because we feel so bad or we force ourselves to say no, but we're really tense about it and we don't feel like we have full permission and so it's not going to be as smooth and loving and it's gonna be kind of harder and more defensive, more justified in our reasoning. But really get to a place of like it is okay for me to say no. I have that right, hundred percent permission to say no to what I want to say no to in my life. Wouldn't that be relieving to give yourself that? Awesome. So that's your action step for today. Practice that. Experiment with that. And of course, in the days and weeks to come, just say no. Except for if you're going trick or treating tonight, then say yes to lots and lots of candy and eat it. Alright, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. It.