Knowing Who You Are Changes Everything wtih Dr. Dave Tuck

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools, tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm excited today because I have a guest and I am truly excited because this guest is someone that I've actually had the chance to meet and attend a workshop of, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to have him on the show. His name is Dr. Dave Tuck and he's been in the wellness field as a chiropractor and a self mastery coach for over 30 years. And I got to hear a little bit about his story, not just of what he's done in the world and businesses he's created and wellness clinics he's, he's formed and, and run, but also his own journey and his own commitment to growth. And it's, it's extremely inspiring. And I love when we have people that we can learn from, not just what they, what they're doing for other people in the world, but their own commitment to mastery in life. So I know we're going to get a lot from this and learn a lot of wisdom. So thank you, Dave, for being here with us.

It's a real pleasure to be here. It was great meeting you last month at our class. I'm really honored to be here and a part of your show and share our wisdom together. Yeah, it's very exciting. Thank you.

Yeah, well, so I'm going to dive right in. You were teaching us a workshop about transitions. I know a big focus of. One of the things you, you offer in the world now is helping people with transitions. And so we'll get into one of the key things that really struck me, which was about identity and who we are in the world and not just having that be a vague thing like identity. People say I have an identity crisis and that they just mean they're kind of suffering and confused. And I love it because your teaching really breaks things down. And so we're going to get into identity and some of the core elements of it and how, how it really serves us in life to be more confident. But before that, let's actually start with that idea of transitions, because I think so much of our fear and anxiety in life can come from, oh, something's going to change, I'm going to lose something. Oh no, or I'm not going to get what I want. And, and yet, you know, transitions are inevitable. So I'd be really curious to hear more about that. What you see about transitions, how people relate to them in life. Anything at all from doing this work in the world, some of what you've learned.

Yeah, well, if you think about it, we, we're always going through transitions in life. You know, just being born is our first transition, right? And then as we grow and develop and go through school and go through our life, we, you know, we hit these important transitions in life. And in each time we have these transitions, there is a bit of an identity crisis because most of these are requiring us to, to take a look at who we are now and, and how do we want to navigate this transition. And, and you know, as we go through and get older, you know, we hit these transitions of, you know, maybe graduating school, getting your first job, getting in a relationship, having kids or starting a business. And you know, then you have transitions of, you know, there's different relationships, maybe getting married or getting divorced, or maybe there's death in the family, or maybe there's financial transitions. I mean, it just goes on and on. And it's not like we ever hit a point where we, we, we stop transitioning. I think it's something that we'll have all of our life. So having some tools to be able to navigate transitions effectively, efficiently, smoothly, because it can be a crisis for people. And I, and I work with people who are going through transitions and when they don't have the tools to navigate them, they do have a crisis and they do get stuck in a cycle. I call. They get stuck in the revolution instead of evolution. They get stuck in evolution and revolution because they don't know how to ask the quality question or see the, the what needs to be done to be able to grow and through this transition. And I love helping people navigate these transitions because it's an important time for growth. And if you really get and learn the lessons from the transition and really create a clear vision about what you want to do in the transition or where you want to be through the transition, man, it can really be an important time of growth and visioning and really moving you to the next level in life or whatever that area is. So there's a lot of really great things that happen through transitions if you kind of know how to navigate it effectively.

Yes. And that I think the maybe knowing how to navigate it is the key for this because it seems like we can be. Maybe there something is more stable, the job, the relationship, our health for a little bit of time. And then a transition's a coming. Right? It could be. We see it coming from a while a ways away, but we're like, well, I'm not sure exactly how to avoid it or it's sudden. And in either case, I think the. One of the default responses and most of us is like, no, no, no, this is wrong and it's bad and it's tragic and it's awful. And we, you know, thrash a lot. And it seems like that the part of the way through and to grow with them is to. Is to say yes to them and to. And to navigate through them. And what, what is. So what do you see as part of that shift from no to yes? Is it simply that we have the tools and all of a sudden it becomes a yes or is there more needed? What, what, what helps us receive that required change and actually go with it?

Well, I think certainly the more you fight the transition, like you said, it's like, no, I don't want to do this. No, this is too challenging. No, this is hard. Whatever. The more we fight the transition, the more it digs its heels in. So about allowing the transition to happen. And that is sometimes really challenging for people because transitions are an important time for change. There's obviously, you know, it's. It's there for a reason and for you to embrace it and allow yourself to. To really fully experience the transition. Even though they're, you know, with transitions, often there's pain and there's difficulty and there's challenges, but there's also the most important time for growth is through the transition. So if we can embrace it effectively and allow it to flow in life by asking the quality questions, to be able to really see what is the real blessing of this transition. What is this trying to teach me? How can I learn and grow from this transition? That's when you can relax into it and just allow it to flow and then you can really see the. The real learning that's available through transitions because that's. It's such a time for growth and wisdom when you can just sit in the transition and. And allow it to come and, and be poised and present through it. Now you can really come out the other back or wow, what an amazing transition. What an amazing learning opportunity. I'm so grateful for that happened. So you don't look back and have regrets or shame or guilt around things. We actually use it as springboarding to the next phase of life, to the next level. What is it you want to create in your life? These transitions can help us actually get there, navigate that.

Wow. And that it seems like part of the. The challenge with that is identity and that. That something of our old identity maybe no longer works or was never even real or maybe some version of us is dying or someone did die. Right. There's, there's a real ending. And I think sometimes we can so be so afraid of the me. Like I'm the one who had this job. I'm the one who is in this relationship. And it's like, well, that's gone now. And so yes, the job is gone or whatever, but it's almost like I'm die, I'm dying. I'm dying in that transition. And I think that there can be such a. I know in my own experience there could be so much clinging and fear about that. And then, and then there's a moment of realization like wait a minute, I'm not dying. It's, it's. This thing is changing.

Yeah. When we get, we get stuck in these comfort zones, right in these, these old patterns and we get stuck in these places and these transitions really challenge us to, to get uncom. Because if you're not uncomfortable, you're probably not going to change, to be honest. So especially people who are, who are wanting, really wanting to grow and we want to learn and keep evolving, we've got to get uncomfortable sometimes. And these transitions certainly bring that on a little bit uncomfortableness and, and that's the part that sometimes is challenging for people because they, you know, we, we want to be comfortable and not, and sometimes not have this pain or challenge. But honestly embracing it as this is a part of change, this is a part of my growth is getting uncomfortable and this uncomfortable feeling. So you can just not push it away or hide from it, but actually embrace this transition as an opportunity. And so yeah, this is where we get these identity crisis throughout our lives because it literally is requiring us to shift and change some old pattern or some way of thinking that no longer serves. And it really is challenging us to grow and reach new heights, new levels, new learning, new opportunities are there. So it's about navigating that smoothly and effectively and embrac this new identity and this New possibility that's, that's just waiting for you.

And that's a really interesting point, this new identity and possibility that's waiting for you. I think that there's some belief there, or either it's a trust or something, we've just chosen to believe that this is an end and there's a beginning here. There's a, there's some new opportunity. I think when we're in that fear state, it feels like, oh man, here comes pain. And it's gonna be unending. It's just, it's gonna only get worse. It's gonna be, oh, I'm gonna lose that and then this and then that and that. And maybe we take it all the way to the end where we're, you know, in horrible suffering or in a gutter or something. But, and, and when we're in that state, it seems like sometimes people like, how do you know it's going to get better? It's never going to get better. This is it. It's all bad from now. So is, does it get better? Does it only get better if we choose or claim it? You know, is there something. Maybe this is more of a personal but also spiritual question, but no, I.

Mean, the reality is it doesn't get better. It just gets different. Because the reality is we always have support and challenge. We always have benefits and drawbacks. We all have upsides and downsides no matter where we are in life. So, so growth and evolving doesn't mean you all of a sudden stop having challenges or you stop having difficulties or discomforts. It just becomes different. But the biggest now you're evolved into maybe a new you, a new identity or new form of inspiration because you're, you know, you're in transition because there's something no longer serves you. And, and to have a birth of something new, you've got to have a death of something old. And so it. So people have an illusion that, oh, once I get here, it's going to be peaceful. Once I get here, I'm not going to have any more challenges. And that's just an illusion because we only transform the new challenges to become something different. When you're at this, when you navigate the transition, you reach a new evolvement. You just have a new set of supports and challenges, a new set of ups and downs, benefits and drawback. It's just different. But now you're sitting in a, in a space of inspiration. Now you're at. You've evolved into a new you. And so embracing the new forms of supports and Challenges, new forms of. Of ups and downs is really the key in navigating and not fighting the transition. Because if you're trying to get somewhere that you think you're not going to have any challenges and you're in a fantasy and you're always going to be seeking that next thing that's really not even there ever. So. So learning to embrace the new forms, learn to embrace what's actually reality, which is sometimes you have support, sometimes we have challenges, sometimes we have ups and downs and benefits and drawbacks to every stage of life. So learning to really sit in that space and be comfortable in that and embrace them as a part of life is really the most. One of the most important things people can do.

Yeah, that reminds me of the. The Dr. Seuss book, the Land of Sol. I. I'm on my way to Salah Salu, and his character is trying to get to the Land of Solace salute, where they have no problems or at least very few.

Right.

And of course, he never. He never makes it. And when he gets there, he can't get in.

Right.

It's like it's this fantasy that we're always chasing, and I love that. So every circumstance of our life, every stage or season of our life is going to have ups and downs, supports and challenges, what we might call good and bad, stuff we like and stuff we don't like. And so that one of the most important things we can do to really thrive in life and approach the next thing with. With confidence, it sounds like, is to. Is to. Is to be with whatever the supports and challenges are here now and also not be. So that's a fascinating shift, I think, that can occur where it's like, you mean I can feel good right now even though I have challenges, even though I have drawbacks? Like what? Because we can spend so much of our energy trying to get to that Land of Solace. Salu.

Yeah. And it's just about reframing and asking the quality questions. Even if you're focusing on what's not working, then that's what the energy will continue to track. More of not working. So when you're filling in the challenge, when you're filling in that things aren't working, what is working? Where's my supports, Where's. Where's the. Where's the other side going on at the exact same time? And I think when we get caught up in this only seeing one side, then we're not. We're missing the whole other side of the equation because we're always in Full quantum. We just may not be seeing it. Sometimes we may hit a big challenge or may hit some big roadblock or obstacle and it can be challenging for us to find those upsides and find the, the learning and the blessing in that. That. But when you know how to ask those questions, and you do now, you become poised again. Now you, instead of having confusion about what's going on or having chaos in your life or feeling conflict, you actually transform that into more confidence and more clarity and certainty about your life. Because now you can see what's going on. It makes more sense now about what's happening because we're always attracting the perfect challenges and the perfect supports at the right time. It's just, it's just our perception that needs to shift and know how to ask the questions to see that everything's actually in perfect order if we just stop and take a look. But we get caught up in the emotion of life sometimes and we, and we only see one side and we think it's out of balance, but in reality is, it's not. We just haven't asked the right questions to see the complete cycle of what's going on.

Yeah. And so as far as navigating it, so, you know, let's say someone is in a, they're in a painful transition. Listening to this could be in one of the many areas of life. Maybe let's say it's relationship and there's been a loss, a breakup or an ending. Could be a, even a shorter term. If you're starting to date someone and they're not into it versus or even a long term thing that's ending and there is that emotion. Right. There's sadness or missing or aching or longing. And sometimes people do try to say, okay, let me just focus on the positive and I got some good things from it and okay, I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. And they're sort of efforting to feel that and then they kind of don't. They're just hurting inside. How do we, what are the questions we can ask ourselves? How can we really see the, the support in our life and receive that, that side of the quantum and also really be with the painful side in a skillful way that we're not running from it and we're not trying to pretend like it's not there.

I think one of the most important things is when you're in a situation, like in a relationship or in a career situation, is to go in there with wide eyes and seeing what's existing in Both sides. So many times we get in a relationship and, and maybe this has happened, I know it's happened to me. Where you only see one side of an equation. We only see the good and they're amazing. You only seen the positive, right? And so now you become infatuated. And because you only see the one side, but the other sides already exist, you're just blind in that moment because you only see all the positives. And sooner or later, when you start to, when those negatives inevitably start coming up and start balancing the equation, now you got start having resentment because oh, I didn't, you didn't show me this or I didn't know this about you or whatever, but actually all that was already there. We just didn't ask the right questions to see the other side of the equation. So if you're fine, if you look in a situation, you're only seeing the upsides, a wise question would be, okay, what are the potential downsides of this situation? Where am I? Where can I bring this back to balance? Or if you're only seeing something is all negative, where is this actually can be a supportive situation? Where's the upsides of this? And learning how to balance your emotions in the moment keeps you in the present. Because when we get, when we start to, to separate the quantum and see only upsides or only downsides, now we're in the emotional state and when we make decisions when they're in the emotional state, I don't know about you, but that's always seems to be very a costly situation because now you make a decision out of emotion and then that those drawbacks start to come up and then you start having that resentment happen. So it's wise to feel into yourself and ask yourself, am I seeing more benefits or drawbacks? And ask the question, where can I balance the equation so I'm not in the emotional state? I'm back into my executive center and I'm seeing both sides. Now when you're in the executive center and you have full quantum and you see both sides now you have a decision based on all the information, all the data. Otherwise you're only making a choice out of one side of the data. And that's what you're less, that's where you're going to run into lessons. That's where you're going to challenge and obstacles. Because the universe wants us to have a balance and see both sides. So we can either do it ourselves or we're going to get to draw in a lesson or the challenge. So, so Many times that's what those challenges are doing is they're trying to get us to see the full quantum and see the other side of the equation that we didn't see the beginning because we only saw one side.

That's fascinating. It reminds me of this idea that, you know, everything involves trade offs in life. And I think for a lot of, up until maybe the last year or two of my life, there's a lot of okay, I'm gonna, how do I optimize everything? So I get probably just the, the positive side of the quantum. And there was an idea, unexamined idea that I could have this and that and that and that and make it all work versus like well, if you choose to put your all your time into X, into the relationship or into business, then then where does the time go? To your health. Or it's like, well, so you gotta find that if I really go hard with this all the way, there is a, there is a drawback to that. Maybe I still want to do it. But I love that idea of going in with eyes wide open because sometimes people think positive or having faith or something is just like, no, it's going to work out, it's going to be great. And, and it's all going to be exactly how I want. And I just got to believe it enough and saying, well let's, let's go in with a bit more like if, if I got this, it would bring this, this and this. And maybe it would also bring this and that. And then there's what we imagine the supports and challenges are going to be in that situation. And then when we actually get there, there's whole new things that we didn't even realize, which is a bunch of made up stuff. So I have a key question about this, which is in navigating this, there's relationship, career, health, these are the big, big areas of, of life. Then there's also the who's navigating it, right? The me, the identity.

Yes.

And you have a really fascinating model called the rich life model. And in the center, so you have these three circles, right? Relationship, career, health, and. But in the center of them, where all the circles overlap is your identity, because that's the centerpiece. And you break down identity in a really interesting way. You call, it's made up of your values, your vision and your voice. I thought that was very, very interesting. And it's great because it's three and it's alliterative. So I'm sold. But let's, let's break that down because it gives people something really tangible to be with and, and sort through, as opposed to my identity. I don't know, it's like a million things. Sure. And, and let's really get down to these three key things. So can you share more about values, vision and voice and, and what that is in your model?

Absolutely, yeah. You know, when we're solid on our identity, which is like you said, we got the three circles, the relationship, your recur, your health, and everything that overlaps in the middle, that's your identity. And when you're solid and clear in who you are in your identity, then making decisions about what you want for your life, about your relationships, about your career, about your health becomes a lot more in flow and more and easily done. What I've seen with clients is when there's uncertainty about the self and when you're not clear in your identity, then we have chaos, confusion and conflict in our external world, in our relationship, career, health as a feedback mechanism that's just trying to get us to get clear about who we are. Because when you're clear about who you are, decisions are much easier. You get off the fence about things and you know exactly what you want when you know who you are. And so many times when we're. I know I did this in my, my early 20s. I really didn't know really who I was, but I just know I'm told I need to go ahead and be in a relationship and have kids and have get up, get married, whatever. I'm told I meant to graduate and get a job and, you know, and have a career and work. And I'm told I'm supposed to take care of my body, but what does that even look like for me? And when you don't really know who you are, you just kind of start making decisions about life that may not even be aligned to who you are and your identity. So it's important to get solid and clear about your identity as you're navigating life, especially in these transitions, because those are the times when you're going through transitions that you have those identity shifts and those identity crisis. So it's the time to go right back into the core again and get clear about who you are. And those three components of the identity are what are your values, your drives and your priorities. That's the foundation of who you are. You know, we are our values, we are our drives and our priorities. So getting clear about your values is foundational. Next is your vision. Once you're clear about your values, the question Is what is the vision that I want for my life? Not what people think I should do or not what I think I should do for everyone else, but what truly the vision for me and my life. What's the vision I want to create in my relationship, my career, my health? What does that look like for me based on my values as a person? And then that third step is your voice, which is now that you're clear about your values, now you've got a vision to drive toward. What does it mean for me to sit confidently in my authenticity and speak my authentic truth and really be powerful with my voice and really honor myself and speak my truth to people and say, this is who I am, this is what I want, and this is what I'm going to do in my life. So having your, a clarity of your values, your vision and your voice is the foundation to creating that strong identity which is the hub of building fulfillment in each area of your life. Because if you're not clear about your identity and you just start living life and choosing things, you're probably going to attract feedback externally as a way to try to get you, to get back, to get clear about who you are.

What a fascinating way to interpret difficulty in our lives that you described as chaos, confusion and conflict. I think most people, that's not the initial interpretation we have. It's like, I'm having this conflict at work, like, oh, I gotta change this and fix this. And this is, this person sucks and I suck and oh, and we're just so in it. And we don't say, wait a minute, this, oh, this is conflict, or, oh man, there's so much confusion here. Okay, that's a sign that I need to come back to the hub. This is a, this is a signal that there's something that's not, I'm not connected to in my identity. And if I get more connected to that identity feedback, then, then that will help me resolve the situations in my relationships, career, health and externally in the world? I said, it's a fascinating way to really gain power because otherwise we're just so reactive and constantly afraid of future conflict, chaos and confusion. It's almost like, well, I hope it doesn't happen today. And it's like, well, it's, it's going to happen if we're not clear. And I think everyone listening, you know, so many people that I know that live for many years like me as a very nice person. And the nice person is very disconnected from their, their, all of this, their own values, like, I don't know whatever you want me to. Am I okay? And then the vision is like, well, my vision is to make sure that there's no conflict and there's just everyone's happy with me. And. And then the voice is just, I, I. So many rules. Like, I'm not allowed to share my voice. Got all this messaging from growing up, like, your voice doesn't matter and you should be quiet. And so we just live that out. So this is.

And.

And we know the pain of that.

It's.

You get further and further. I think of it as being living. You're not living your life. You're not living life that you're here to live. You're. You're living someone else's life for somebody else. Try to get approval from somebody else. So I love this. And I guess a key question that I'm sure someone listening has, like, cool, okay, Value. Like, what do I have? Because there's different definitions of that. You know, some people think values are emotional states that we like to feel. Some people values are like, wait, isn't it health, one of my values? How could that. So when you say health, relationships are one of my values. Isn't. Isn't that what I value? So how do you, how do you understand values in this context?

Well, I. I learned many years ago from one of my mentors that you can ask quality questions to determine your values there, you know, and all of us are living according to our values. There's a hierarchy. We have the things that are most important to us, all the way down to the things that are least important to us. And so when you can tap in and ask questions, you know, about what are your highest values in life, you know what you're driven to do, you know what gets you fired up, you know, what pushes your buttons, and it's those high values that really drive us to. To live our life. And so there's a value determination process that I, I take people through, asking them sets of questions to determine exactly what that hierarchy is. And it's fascinating. Sometimes people think, well, I think my. My values are this or I really. Or a lot of times they're in the shoulds going, well, my values really should be this. But when they actually take a look at their life and what their life is demonstrating, you can't hide your true values. So when you ask the quality questions and you get the. The hierarchy of values, you now understand why you're driven to do what you do, why you are inspired about certain things, why you listen to certain music, why you love certain types of conversations, why you spend your money on certain things, why you love spending your time with certain people, because those are the things that are connected to your highest values. And when you're clear about those high values, now you're clear about really the essence of who you are as a person. So I think it's one of the most important pieces of our puzzle of getting to clear an identity is getting clear about what are my values, what are the hierarchy of values, what makes, what drives me to do what I do, what drives me to set priorities in my life. Because we'll always make time and energy for the things that are most important to us. We can try to pretend and live in someone else's values for a while. Futile, because you're always going to fall back into, into who you are as a person. And when we're trying to be somewhere we're not, or we're trying to live under someone else's values, sooner or later we're going to self sabotage that. People call it self sabotaging, but really it's you recalibrating back to who you are as a person. Because we can't fake being who we are for very long before something goes wrong, before we have some kind of feedback that's going to set us back straight again.

So what if someone is spending. Because you in there is how I'm spending my time, right? Well, what if someone is spending time, they're playing or watching a lot of shows on Netflix, they say I should go out and, you know, be exercise and I spend some time with those friends, but I'll just watch this. Or they're drinking and they're, they're eating food that isn't. They're overweight and they're like, oh man, I should probably do something different. But that's how they're spending their time. Is that what they value and they're not admitting it or how does that work?

Well, I think that I would be asking more questions about what kind of things are you watching? What are you doing? What are you getting out of doing what you're doing? So if you're finding you're spending your day doing certain activities, the question is, what is the, your, what is the value you're getting out of doing that? What, what are you driven to do that for? So there's some underlying value that's being met there, whether we, whether we know it consciously or not. That's why everyone is, everyone is so unique. Everyone has a different set of values. It's fingerprint specific these values. So, so you, so when you, you can't judge someone else for having their own set of values because their journey has been unique to them. Our values are actually born out of our life experiences and the perceived voids that we have had in our life has driven our current day values. And so everyone has had again their own unique journey. And so it's about really looking and asking questions again to know someone about what their values are so you can understand them as a person and what makes them tick.

I love that. Well, let's, let's go with, let's go a little further because I think there's maybe there's a different perception here and there's something I can learn because I, that's interesting. Maybe there's a way that I imagine that when I'm doing, if I were to live a certain way I would be choosing comfort over what I really value. So like in the moment I'm choosing comfort, but then I'm dissatisfied. So let's take an example from my life where I spent many years where I, I, instead of socializing and, and dating and other things, I spent a lot of time watching. But I'd say I spent a lot of time playing video games when I was younger and in terms of what kinds of games they were, they were usually competitive. So I like to play games where I would be getting better and I'd be trying to study people who were better than I was. I still am that way today with, with hobbies and things. It's like I love, love competitive, creative, usually in the fantasy genre. So now I don't, I don't play much any video games, but I will play Magic the Gathering, which is a card game. I play a lot with my son. And there's, but it's not a, it's not just a, oh, we roll the dice and see it's kind of like we both like to study some of the best players in the world and like observe what they do and then talk about it. So I'd say when I was younger but, but I did it for you know, four or five hours a day instead of connecting with other people. And I also think I felt a lot of loneliness and self judgment about oh, I'm not worthy of friendship and relationships. So in that, and I think that's, I'm using that example because I know whether it's gaming or other things, there's a way that a lot of people might be spending their time in ways that they also are suffering.

I think That's a great example. Because if you think about what you were doing back then, really, if you break it down, what were you actually getting out of doing this? It sounds like you, you've, you've maybe even early on had had an interest in, in understanding human potential or understanding connection to people, understanding how people think, and understanding, you know, how people operate. And you're asking those questions. You said you really loved trying to get to see how people play their games. You can tell a lot by someone how they play a game. Right. And, and correct me if I'm wrong, but were you getting some knowledge about how to understand people on a deeper level and how they tick and understand their strategies and get into your own form of connecting with yourself and others? Maybe by playing the game, there's some kind of benefit you were getting out of playing that game. Because, you know, so many times we, we label people, oh, there must be a tips and deficit because they can't focus on one thing or the other. But when we're, when we're in our high values, we have attention surplus. Would you say that you were able to focus on that game four or five hours? Oh, yeah.

I had to limit it on eight hours a day.

So that's an indication that you were getting your values met in that moment. There was something you were. That was filling your cup. There was something you were learning, There was something, you know, I think you have a high value for learning is what I'm guessing. So you were learning something in those moments.

Yeah, it's fascinating. It's like learning, but not just any sort of learning. It's like learning something that then leads to breakthrough victory. It's like a feeling that I and which is related very much. It's like the feeling of liberation. It's like, yes, you did the thing that you couldn't do before. And then that's so interesting because at the end, though, there, I mean, there's a part of me that obviously wanted love connection, to experience more of life than just in that one arena of Warcraft, which was. So then at some point when I started to learn about social confidence, I approached it in a similar way. Right. It just shifted over. It was just a different game. It was a game of like. And it was like, oh, and let me do what I have not done before. But that was more in alignment with what seems like a larger purpose because that's sustained now for many, many years. And I'm helping other people do that now, too. I'm not teaching people how to competitive game because I'm not good enough to do that, but maybe I would if I. I could.

So one of the values it sounds like are being met is. Is being able to. That feeling you get when you actually get to the end or you. You win the game or you conquer some level of some sort, you know, you. You were getting some kind of feeling out of doing that, if I'm guessing, and even probably building some level of confidence, I'm sure during that period of time. And then the question is, when you stop doing the games, how did doing those games actually spill over into you being more confident in the social setting or building your business or whatever it is you went into? Some of those tools and skills you learned during that period of time have been essential for you to be doing exactly what you're doing today. You needed those. You were learning some valuable lessons about yourself, about your skill, about how to think, how to be, how to act quickly, about what. That whatever else was happening. You're using those things today in new forms. So those were the building blocks of creating who you are. Now.

That is. That's fascinating. And so this is an interesting frame because it really. Outside of the realm of good, bad, right? Wrong. Right. It's really looking at how it meets our needs and we find the. Our drives, priorities, and values use. Let's take it one step further. Let's say I'm just gonna go out on a. On a further extreme. Let's say someone is addicted to a substance and they're like, I just got to get more alcohol. And we have. And then they're waking up and they're feeling sick in the morning, and then they're gonna go drink more. I know this is an extreme example, but I just want to see it. Are there things we can do that's like, this is not in my values, but I'm like, taken over by addiction because that's a very common way. I think people think about this stuff. Would you see that in a different way? Like they're meeting their need through drink or some of their values through the drinking thinking?

Absolutely. And. But. But deeper than that is, you know, when someone's. Is escaping through those kind of means, there's some underlying emotional, possibly traumas or some kind of issue that they're hiding. And this is the. This is what. This is the benefit they're getting out of that. It's not. They're not having to face their challenges. It's an easy road. They're trying to stay comfortable, and so they're going to be staying stuck in that, in that vibration, right. Instead of dealing and facing it. So they're getting value out of that. And, and, and when someone has a different set of values than ours, they will, will be judged by them because they have a different set of values. If someone has a similar set of values, then they're going to support you. When they have a different set of values, they're going to challenge you. And it's drinking is not the, the problem. And I've had clients that with, with, with someone drinks and they act happy and fun and have a great time. That person doesn't have a problem with them drinking, but when they drink and start, start being mean or start saying nasty things, now they have a problem with the drinking. So people only have problems and they will only judge what's happening. If they see that it's not meeting their values, then they'll judge that that's where our judgments come from is when we have a different set of values, we'll judge others that have opposite set of values. And the truth is, like we said earlier, everyone has a different set of values. Whatever. You have a high value on someone have the complete opposite value on right. And so, and the question is, well, who's right and wrong in that situation? And the answer is nobody's right or wrong. We're all just filtering our lives and making decisions and judgments based on our values. And so when you can step back and look at people differently and go, well, they have a different set of values than me, it doesn't mean they're right or wrong, it's just different. And not judge them for who they are, but try to understand who they are based on where they've been in their life. Now all of a sudden we can have equality and not place judgments on people, but just try to understand and love people for who they are. Because that's really all we all want, right, is to be loved for who we are. And who we are is our values, is our vision and our voice. That's who we are as essence.

I love that. Would you be open to sharing? I'm curious, what are some of your top values?

My values, my top value at the moment and, and my values have shifted over the last few years, but now my top value is health and well being. It's something I think about and focus on, think about. I'm inspired about every day. Next is creating connections with others. So I, it's one of my values is building connections and doing these kind of things and connecting to you. It's it's, you know what? You don't have to drag me out of bed to come do a podcast or talk to you or connect to someone. Right. And then the other is travel and exploration experiences. That's what I really love doing also. Again, the things that are higher than our values, we require no outside motivation. We are internally inspired to act. And I'm guessing for you, no one's got to say, okay, Doc, come to do a podcast. Come on, get out of bed. Come on, let's. Come on, man, get. Let's drag you out of bed. Let's motivate you to go do it. Right. You're probably inspired from within. No one's got to remind you. No one's got to get you motivated externally to go. Go help someone or go teach or go serve because it's intrinsically important and it's a high value for you. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah.

I love that we require outside motivation when we're trying to do things that are low on our values. And that's one of the indicators of, am I in my high values or not? Well, are you having to have outside motivation? Someone's got to convince you to do it. Do you. Do you get tired after you do it? Because when you're in your high values, you have more energy after you're doing the thing than you. Than you started a lot of times, and you don't need to be motivated, but you just. It's just internal inspiration to do the things that are higher on your values. And that's one of the indicators that you're really sitting in your authentic space is are you inspired from within to live your life and get up and go serve and do the things you love doing? If you are, then you're probably sitting in your high values right now. Yeah.

Yeah. I love that you mentioned. Thank you for sharing, by the way. It helps. It's so interesting how if someone has that clarity, like, wow, it's. You share so much about somebody and. And I think that's really powerful to have that. I know that before we did your workshop, we had an opportunity to go through a value determination process. And what's fascinating is I feel, and maybe because it was the first time I've done that, it might have already been not totally accurate the way I did it, or I've shifted things in the last month or month and a half because. So in there, one of this was the fourth one, so it wasn't the highest one, but it was build systems that liberate others. Was number one because it's not just about helping people kind of one off. Although I'll do that. It's more like how do I create something that really is larger, ongoingly producing liberation. That's where the most energy is. And then number two is explore life with my beloved and my family. So deep relationship with Candace and my boys. And number three was achieve and enjoy extraordinary health and athletics. And number four was master wealth. You know which is interesting because I do spend time studying and. But what I've noticed in the last month or so is I wonder how much of that was actually fear based. Like I need to be studying wealth and mastering it because that's part of the role provider of family and which is I'm gonna do with that. But it's almost like I need to do that really well or else. And what I believe, what I've seen in the last month is like, you know, I think that creates almost an over prioritization and some of my identity gets wrapped up in that. And a discovery I had just a couple weeks ago was there's some part of me, you know, people can say oh my identity is, is in my car or in my job and, and that's. So when they, that thing's threatened they feel like they're threatened. And sometimes people say oh I've identified with money. And I was like I don't think I ever felt that that was true for me. But then I realized there's a part of me that was identified with that growth or accumul expansion. So if I'm creating more wealth or growing in some way then, then I'm doing it. And so any contraction, any lull, any something there'd be this. I'm dying, something terrible is happening. And I wondered if that was driving the mastering wealth. So I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. When people like are there are sometimes our values fear driven and it's not or what we're, what we're doing is fear driven. It's not really what we value.

Well you know we have our top intrinsic values like your. Repeat your, your high value again.

Oh yeah. Build systems that liberate others.

I just want to reflect on something. Can you see that earlier in your life when you were playing all those games you were building systems, you were learning the foundations that you were getting those values met by playing those games?

Yeah, I was trying to study the systems of the, of the excellent players.

Yeah, absolutely. And so.

And then I went and studied the systems of, of people who were liberating others in the world.

Absolutely. So in those moments of playing those games, when you look back, it's like you were in training. That's right. So it's not like, oh, I wasted my time, I shouldn't have. No, you were actually in training getting your values met. Even in that moment, playing those games, that was an efficient way to get those high values met. Because it's a, it's an intrinsic high value for you, obviously, because you're still living it right now. Today, as we go about life, we will start valuing things that becomes efficient for us to get those values met. So with you, building wealth and having wealth allows you to meet your high values even more. If you can see that it allows you to have more fulfillment in those top 1, 2, 3 values by having wealth. And somewhere along the journey, you, you've kind of made that connection. It's like, wow, I better. If I value wealth and I build wealth, wealth, it's going to actually allow me to get my higher values met. You notice it's not number one on your values. And I rarely find people who have health. I mean, I'm sorry, wealth is high, but if it's not number three, four, three, four or five, then you're probably going to be struggling with finances. So I always have people do an exercise. If you want to bring more wealth into your life, ask yourself, how does me building wealth actually serve my highest values? Even more because it's not your high value. But you do see that building wealth allows you to get your higher values met more efficiently and effectively.

Yeah. Well, that's fascinating. And it's true because I noticed that I've done thought experiments where, you know, with the, with the wealth, sometimes there can be that land of solace salute. Right. Like, I gotta get to this place. And I, and I asked myself these questions, like, what if you accumulate a certain amount or got to these milestones, would you, you retire? Would you stop doing everything in the world? But no, because this is such an intrinsic value for me.

That's right.

It's. Oh, there's, there's actually a desire to be doing this in the world in a way that it's truly giving and not giving to get right. It's like, oh, I need this business to fund my lifestyle and my needs. It's like, oh, I can't wait. That, that's the ultimate liberation to be. I don't even need to be doing this. And I, I'm doing it. And then of course, that's, I believe that's possible. To feel that way even before there's a certain level.

Absolutely. And even if you had no wealth, you'd still find a way to get your high values met. But it's just more, you can serve more people and you can have more fulfillment in your life. You've, you've realized along the way that if I build my wealth, I can be more efficient, effective at serving and, and having fulfillment in my life. And wealth is just a, a tool to help me get that done more effectively. And if you had to choo wealth or serving your highest value, which one do you think you're going to choose?

Oh, serving the highest value.

Right.

Because it's like you can make a lot of money, you know, day trading or something and be like, oh God, that sounds so terrible.

Absolutely.

Don't make me do it. Unless I could study the systems of the greatest and then I could teach that to others. Right. Well, what's fascinating me in this conversation, Dr. Dave, is how one thing I'm learning beyond the content is just that you truly do see it in this frame of values and what people value. You. And I can see my mind and some of the ways that I'm asking the questions, it's like, but still there's right and wrong and good and bad, right? I mean, isn't it bad, Isn't it bad to do this? And I can see that that is still some of, some of those perceptions in me. And I love how you really are seeing it as like, no, we're meeting, we're going for our, what we value our drives.

A great example is like you, you can have one event happen, right? One person, one set of values will look at that event go, well, that was terrible. Another person with a whole different set of values will look at the same event go, well, that was terrific. So which one is right and which one is wrong? Well, it depends on your values. If your values are aligned with this person, you're going to agree. If this person, if your values align with this person, you're agree with them. And so there is no right or wrong really. It's just about how you feel to the world and your judgments based on what your values are. And we want, we always gravitate toward people that have like minds and like values. And we kind of tend to move away from people who have lower values than ours and we separate. And so there is no know, right or wrong. There's just us filtering the world based on our value. So it's the one most important thing we could learn about ourselves. To really get clear about who you are, what your hat, what are your values, drives and priorities? It's the foundation of any work I do with anyone. It's the first thing we do because it's gonna, it's gonna be the thing that we are be. Our grounding force is your values.

Yeah, that's powerful. And I feel like there's, there's so much more. And so if, if someone is really intrigued by this as I am, if they wanted to learn more about that, how to figure out their values or the identity or anything, do you have a place that people can go either to do that on a website or if someone wanted to get in touch with you, to work with you, how can people take the next step?

Yeah, a newbeginningscoaching.com is my website, but emailing me directly is probably the best thing. It's info@, @doctordavetuck.com. great.

We'll have both of those down below in the show notes. So if you're listening to this on, you know, Apple podcasts or whatever, go to Shrink for the shy guy. Shrink for the shy Guy. And then just look at this episode, which will have Dr. Dave, Dave's tuck name in it. And below that you'll have a link to his website and an email. And we'll probably use a. And at. Write the word at just so there's no spam that. That picture. But yes, reach out to Dr. Dave. And I actually have a friend of mine who introduced me to Dr. Dave and who's done some sessions with him and expressed how valuable they were. And it intrigued me to be like, oh, I'm personally going to actually reach out to you, Dave. And I think there's so much I can learn.

Well, as you can tell, this is, is we kind of just hit the tip of the iceberg on these subjects. And so there's a, there's a lot to unpack with this. So I hope that we could at least tap the surface and get some information out and can help empower some people through navigating positions.

Absolutely. And you do have a weekly. Right now it's a live stream and going to be Charles turned potentially into a podcast. So people can just keep learning from you right now. How do, how do we find out about that?

Yeah, every week, Tuesday central time, we do a live one hour zoom call. It's on different subjects, usually around some type of transition that we're going through. Identity, it's through values, vision and voice. So we'll dive into different subjects that every week on this and so how about I send you the link. You can put that in the chat as well on the zoom call. It's a free call we do just for for anybody who wants to join in. So yeah is my most inspiring things I do, you know, so.

Oh amazing. Okay, we'll have that down below in the show notes as well.

I love it.

Dr. Dave, thank you so much for for sharing your just the tip of the of the iceberg with us and also who who your you know, your time and thank you for for valuing this so that we get to all benefit from from your sharing anytime.

I, I, I love doing these shows. It's great to connect to you again. I really appreciate all your time and what you're doing and and how you're serving the world. It's beautiful. Beautiful.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.