New Year, New You!

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's show, which is the new Year's show, New year, new you. Welcome to 2015. I'm incredibly excited to be standing stepping into this new year with you. And today you're going to learn some very valuable skills, some key insights that I'm just getting from recent sessions with clients because that's what I do. I'm working with clients all day, all week, and I take the best stuff, the most distilled information, the key breakthroughs that they're having, and I condense them down into these podcasts and in my programs, Confidence Unleashed and the Confidence Code. And that's why I'm constantly revamping them and redoing them. In fact, if it hasn't already happened at this point, in the next couple weeks or so, we're going to be re releasing new versions, 2.0s of the confidence Code and Confidence Unleashed that are just action packed with even more valuable stuff that's coming from working with people day in and day out and seeing what's really the most effective. So this is not just some theoretical idea or me just thinking of stuff that seems like it would work. It's like this is what actually works. This is what the biggest shifts that are happening in the real world of confidence coaching and overcoming any sort of fear and social anxiety. So I'm excited to share those with you in this episode. If you'd like to be part of the show, by all means, call the show hotline at 206-338-3176. That's 206-338-3176. Check out the show at Shrinkforthy Guy and the Facebook page. Facebook.com shrinkforthyguy Become part of the conversation. I'd love to hear your questions or comments or anything that you'd like to share with me and I'll respond to you. So today we're going to be looking at how to create a new you in 2015. Now, don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed. This isn't about that. I mean, when I say new you, it's really an expansion of yourself. It's growing into all the areas that you can grow into. It's becoming bigger and better and more of who you already are in your core. Because all of us have a force that is keeping us Small. There are two major forces. There's an expansive force, and there's a contracting force. You can think about it like in outer space. There's a star that can explode outwards, and there's a star that can implode and create a black hole. And we have those forces inside of us, too. There's an expansive force that's like, what is your expansive force right now? You know, it tends to be alive in people when it comes to the new year, and they have all these ideas and resolutions and goals. Or maybe you're one of the people that are like, ugh, screw all that pressure to come up with some great goal. I'm against resolutions. But regardless if you're kind of on the bandwagon of resolutions, which I am, by the way, I think it's an awesome time to really evaluate what you'd like to be steering your life towards. But regardless if you're on that bandwagon or not, you have an expansive force inside of you, don't you? You want things. You want to grow. I mean, why are you listening to this show? There's a part of you that's like, I want to have more confidence in myself. And what would you do with more confidence? One of the first questions I ask people when they want to work with me is they all come to me and say, I want to get more. I want to be more confident. And I'm like, well, great. But then what? What do you want to do with that confidence? Because confidence as an emotional state, it feels good. But you don't generate confidence by just closing your eyes and making it happen. It's a very active process, and it involves you going after what you want in the world, and you build the confidence as you do it, and you gain the confidence to go do it. It's like a cycle. It's a loop. So what would you do with more confidence? Would you talk to people? Would you create better friendships? More friendships? Would you be dating or meeting women? Would you improve your relationship with your partner, with your wife, with your girlfriend? Would you be speaking up more at work? Would you be getting a leadership position or going for that management position? Would you be creating your own business in the world? Would you be singing in your spare time or doing open mics? What would you be doing with more confidence? That is that expansive force? Whatever answers come to your mind right now about what you'd be doing with more confidence. If you had all the confidence that you wanted and needed, what you'd be doing, that is the expansive Force inside of you, and we all have it. But you might also notice that we also have another force. Otherwise, we'd be out there doing all that stuff, right? And that's the contracting force. It's like gravity pulling us back down into a little pit inside of ourselves. And what does that force say? Who do you think you are? You're not good enough. You can't do that. Stop that. Oh, you just. Oh, stop. Stop even trying to think about that kind of stuff. You're just going to get your hopes up and get disappointed and hurt. Just don't even think about that stuff. Come on. Just come back here, have some mold cider, and put this warm blanket of defeat on, and we'll just hang out here together, you and me. Let's not do anything out there. It's scary and it's dangerous. Just stay here. You can't do it anyway. Come on. It wouldn't work out. Does that sound familiar? How do I know this voice? Because I have it, too. As far as I know, everyone has that voice. It's a fallacy if you think that the people that are confident and successful don't have that inner critic and that inner voice. They just learn how to work with it and learn how to not buy into everything that it's saying. They've learned how to align themselves so that their inner coach is guiding them rather than stopping them. But the key here is you can expand. You can become more of you. So when I say new you, I just mean letting more of that expansive force out and not having that contracting force stopping you so much in your life. And then the most exciting thing about that is what can you create in your life? What can you do in your life if you turn down that contracting force by just 30, 40%, 50%? What if you increase the power of that expansive force by 20%, 30%, 50%. What could you be doing in your life? And in a moment, we're going to take a break, and in a moment, I'm going to share with you what the biggest limiting factor is. The lid that is on that expansive force that you have right now. Think of like a yogurt container or something. There's a lid right now that's on super tight that is keeping your expansive force down. But I'm going to share something with you right after this break. It's going to blow your mind. It's going to open everything up, and you can pop that lid off, and you're going to be able to accelerate towards what it is that you want with that confidence in a way that you might have never experienced before. So stay tuned. We're going to jump right back into that right after this.

So you're listening to this Internet radio show and you're hearing all about how you can increase your confidence. But how do you actually make that happen? How do you turn it from an idea into your reality? One of the fastest ways to make massive changes in your life is to join with others who are on the same journey. Dr. Aziz has recently started offering core confidence groups, which allow you to be a part of a group of people who are making the same changes you are. With the power of a group behind you, no limits can stand in your way. To find out more about upcoming group opportunities, go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and click on confidence coaching.

So what is that lid that I was talking about just a minute before? What does that lid on our expansive force? That lid is not a limitation of resources. This is what people say, oh, I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I don't have the connections, I don't have the education. I'm not smart enough, I'm not talented enough. Whatever their reasons are. And that's not it. Guess what it is. It is your identity. It is your self image or your self concept. These are all words for the same thing. It is how you see yourself. All of us have an internal blueprint or map of us, of what we're capable of in the world, of whether we can do something or we can't do something. What we deserve in the world that is inside of you and usually in your unconscious mind. We don't walk around thinking about it all the time, but we all have it and we know it because we say things like, oh, I couldn't do that. Oh, I don't have the money for that. I'm not smart enough to do that. That's a revealing of your self concept, your identity. And most of us have a very small, diminished, shrunken shadow of our true identity. It's this. Well, I'm not that great. I set my sights too high. Now, I don't know about that. And the key to shifting this is to really change that identity, to expand that identity, to take the lid off and allow more of yourself out. So think about that. Think about, remember the stuff we were talking about before the break about what you'd do if you had more confidence, if you really believed in yourself and hopefully got a little excited about it. Maybe think of one of those Things right now. What's one thing that if you had the confidence and that you would just go do it? Can you see that in your mind right now? Maybe it's walking over and talking to a group of people, or giving an awesome presentation, or leading a workshop, or making a big sale in a room with a lot of powerful people and just walking in with bold confidence. What is it? Maybe it's walking over to that woman that you've been eyeing for months that you've had a crush on and just walking over and making her laugh, see it going well in your mind. Can you get excited about that? That you would really love to be able to do with that confidence. Now let me ask you this question. What is the identity of the person who can do that? What is the identity of the person who can walk into that meeting and just take it by storm, or walk over to that person they're attracted to and just start up a conversation? What is the identity of that person, person? What would they say about themselves? They'd say, well, I am. Because that's how we construct our identity, right? I am, I am not smart enough. That's one piece of the identity. But what would that person say who could do those things? That version of you, I mean, it's already inside of you. You can see it, then you can do it. So there's a part of you that knows that you can do it. And what would the identity of that part. I am confident, I am capable, I can do this, I am attractive, I am a badass. Whatever it is, that would be part of their identity, they have to believe that about themselves or else they wouldn't even walk into the meeting, let alone walk in in the way that they do. So what is the identity that you need to have in order to get the things that you want? That is one of the most powerful. That's a million dollar question. I mean, that's incredibly valuable information. If you can ask yourself that question, then that will change your life. What is the identity that I need to have in order to create the things that I want or get the things that I want in my life? Are you coming up with some answers? What are you seeing? What are you realizing now? Sometimes we have to be willing to do something different too. We have to be willing to get outside of our comfort zone. We have to be willing to take a leap, take a plunge. In fact, actually, that brings me to a question I got from a listener recently. He called into the show hotline and left me a message and I Want to answer his question? Because it's really about making a shift and transforming your identity. So let's listen to that question right now. And now it's time to ask the shrink.

Hi, my name is Ambrose. Just had one question. Obviously, you've been dealing with this issue for a very long time. I've tried a few different or a number of different tactics to try and overcome it. Nothing seems to be working. One thing that I haven't tried is moving out of the small town that I live in. I was wondering what your thoughts were on moving to a new state, a new environment to try and tackle these problems, understanding that they'll still exist when I go over there, but practicing it over there, possibly getting more confidence that way, and then once learning how to overcome it, moving back, if that's what I wish to do.

Thanks for the question, Ambrose. I think it's a really good one and it fits right into this idea of changing our identity and doing something new and expansive. And actually, in an upcoming episode, I'm going to be interviewing a guy who. Who's from Australia, who listened or got my book, actually, and decided that he was going to take a huge leap and just go outside of his comfort zone and just went on this huge trip all up and down the west coast of the United States. Didn't know anyone, didn't have conversation skills, he thought. And then he got there and he just jumped outside of his comfort zone, took bold action. And now he's just. He has friends all up and down the west coast and had a really amazing time and connected with so many people. So we'll be having a great conversation with him in an upcoming episode. But sometimes you got to just jump into the unknown to create that new identity. And if you're in a small town, if you're restricted, if everyone knows each other or knows you or there's no opportunities, then it can be hard to shift that identity. Because our identity is held in place by two forces, right? One, how we see ourselves. That's what we've been talking about so far in this episode. That's the most important one. But what else is our identity held in place by exactly how others see us? And so if everywhere you go, it's the same small town, same small people, and they already have an identity constructed for you. Because we have identities for others, right? Oh, that's John. He's a nice guy. Oh, that's Tim. He's a jerk. Right. And we have that identity constructed for them already. And it's hard for us to change that because people already know us as that. It's not impossible. And definitely don't use that as an excuse not to do this stuff because, hey, the most important thing is your perception of yourself, because people will fall into line if you just boldly assert a new identity. People will be like, okay, I guess he's more friendly now. And the key, though, is if you're in a small town, there's not many opportunities. I encourage people to. Yeah, to explore. Unless there's something really keeping you anchored there in some way. But for the most part, I'd say get out there. I mean, I know that especially when it comes to dating and relationships, if you're living in a really small town, there's not many options. Or. One client I worked with came from a town where the whole town was part of this particular religion that he just did not jive with. He did not. It didn't make sense to him and he needed to leave because he couldn't quite. There was no way that it was going to work for him. So he moved. And I encourage people, move to a bigger city, move to a suburb, move to some place that seems like it reflects more of who you are. And I know it's a bold move. I know it's scary stepping into the unknown, but that's exactly how we craft and cultivate our new identity, is we got to step into the unknown. Because the old identity, that's known. Right. That's all the familiar stuff. But if you really want to have that new identity for who you really want to be, you got to step into the unknown. So, Ambrose, Absolutely. Move to a bigger city. I think that could really help you in your life. And it's a metaphor, really, for all of us to step into a new way of being, a new life, a new you. And the beauty of it is when you show up to a new place, whether it's a new city, a new office, workplace, environment, a new person that you're meeting, they don't know your identity. You're carrying that with you. And so that's actually really interesting. Have you ever noticed if you were to travel to a different city and no one there knew you, not a soul knew you, there you are a complete unknown identity, a complete stranger. Would you show up to that city and start wearing different clothes and start talking to people in a different way and. And do completely different things? Most of us wouldn't. Why? Because we take our identity with us. Now, I'm not saying you have to be completely unpredictable and Change who you are in every way. But there's certain aspects that you might want to tweak, certain aspects you might want to expand. So let's take a quick break, and we get back. We're going to explore exactly that, how to expand and tweak your identity to make it exactly what you need and want to get to that next level in your confidence. So stay tuned. We'll be right back after this.

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Welcome back. So let's talk about expanding your identity. Let's talking about bringing in those elements that are really going to help you thrive in life that are probably already inside of you. But you might have restricted, you might have held back with that contracting force. Out of what? Out of fear of what other people are going to think of you. Fear of failing. What if I fail and I'm not good enough? We have all these fears, that contractive force that's holding us back. So what can we add to our identity? How do we expand ourselves? And I'm going to offer a few that are, I think, generally valuable for everyone. And. And then we're going to get into the action step. We're going to have you think about your own specifics, but one that I think is incredibly valuable is boldness. I am bold. Try that on for a second. What if you just say that I am bold. Good. Say it with me again, but say it with a little gusto. Say it with a little vigor. I am bold. That just feel good to say. I remember one time I was giving a talk to a group of people at a business meeting, and they bring me in and I'm like, I'm all professionally dressed or whatever, but as soon as I start talking, they're like, this guy's wacky. But I don't care because I love it, because it works. And so I'm having them. They're working on sales confidence and some of the fears and challenges they were having. And a lot of them didn't have what I thought was Enough boldness to be successful. Because to work, be successful in sales, you gotta face rejection day in and day out. It's not gonna. It can't cripple you. And so you have to have a boldness to be able to go in there. So I was helping them learn how to expand their identity, and one thing was having them just accept the phrase and build it into their nervous system. So I said, let's do it as a group. I am bold. And then most people are like, I am bold. And we just kept on escalating it and people got into it eventually. And so you have this room full of people and they're like, I am bold. And. And it was awesome. And they loved it. And actually, every time I see one of the people from that meeting, I haven't seen some of them in over a year. And I just ran into one of them recently, and the first thing he said to me was like, I am bold. It must have made an impression. But that is the power of that trait. I am bold of activating that in yourself. Because what does boldness mean? Boldness means exactly. What I was suggesting, Ambrose, to is stepping into the unknown. Because anything that's outside part of the new identity that you want to craft is going to require stepping into uncertainty. You don't know how it's going to go, and that requires what? Boldness. So how do you want to expand your identity? You want to add in some boldness? In fact, make 2015 the year of boldness. Make it the year that you're just going to show up and you're going to do things more boldly in your life. What would you do if you. If you had more boldness? If I am bold is true, what would you do? How would you show up? Think about that for a moment. Would you walk differently? Would you talk differently? Would you interact with people in a different way? Would you maybe look people in the eye more? Would you say different stuff to different people in your life if you were bold in your life? I am bold. Bringing that into your identity now and feeling what that experience is like, to know that you are bold. And a part of your mind is saying, like, no, I'm not. I'm not bold. That's the contractive force. You can just push that aside. Take a deep breath in through your nose, puff out your chest, bring your shoulder blades together and say out loud with force, I am bull. Can you feel that? Can you feel you can generate that power in yourself? That's how you can expand your identity. What else can we add in to give ourselves that expansive identity that's going to be useful no matter where you are in your life? Boldness is one. Another one that's incredibly useful is knowing on a deep level that you are flexible or adaptable, that you can handle whatever life throws your way. If there's one thing to add into your identity, this is hands down second to boldness. The most important one, because so much of our fear and our anxiety and our reluctance to be bold and are holding back is this unconscious idea that we can't handle what's going to happen. So go talk to that person. I don't know. I can't. And the reality is we're saying, well, I could, but if I did and they didn't want to talk to me back then, that would feel really bad. And on some level, I couldn't handle it. I can't handle that. Oh, that's too much. No, no, I can't handle that. So I can handle whatever life throws my way. Say that one out. I can handle whatever life throws my way. Good. Say it one more time with me. I can handle whatever life throws my way. And you feel that there's a power that comes with that. Flexible adaptability is what we're really talking about. And in today's day and age, when everything's changing faster and faster, we have to be flexible and, and we have to trust that we can handle whatever comes our way. Otherwise, we're living in fear. And that contraction force is pulling tighter and tighter. And we're saying, I'm going to stay safe. I'm not going to do anything and hope everything works out. And that's not going to work for you, not only in terms of confidence, but in terms of your relationships, your connections, your career, your financial life. We have to be willing to be bold and step into the unknown. And. And to do that, we have to know and trust that I can handle whatever comes my way. These are some of the most important things that you can add into your identity. What else. What else do you want to add into your identity? Do you realize that you can construct an identity? You can construct what you want to be true about yourself? What about something around your capability or your ability to take life on and handle challenges or setbacks? Nothing gets in my way for long. I handle setbacks and I move on. I relish challenges and I step over them and I overcome them. What are the elements of your identity? You might say, well, this just sounds all positive, but it's not true. It's just not true because you haven't grown into it yet. In fact, constructing the identity is the first part. Then it's growing into it and living into it. And that comes from taking new actions in the world. But we can't take those new actions in the world. And until we have some room in our identity that it's possible for us to do it, which actually leads us to our action step. Time for action. Your action step for today is to consciously create that new identity. You know what? We added boldness in. I can handle whatever life throws my way. I face challenges head on. Those are just a few of the ones that I mentioned. Take those if they're useful for you, or if you want to add something else to it, or just those aren't your thing, you want to chuck them, then what's going to be most valuable for you? Remember, it's I am, or it's about you. I am this, I'm capable of that. I am attractive. Geez, that's a pretty valuable thing to add to your identity if you want to. Well, always in your life, even if you're married, you want to feel attractive, don't you? I am attractive. I am desirable. I am a fascinating person. I am intelligent. What are the elements of your identity that you want to create and construct and add into yourself that you can step into and live into in 2015? So I'd like you to think of at least three things that you want to add to your identity or call out, maybe they're already in there, but you want to amplify and strengthen them. So think of those three things. But in order to make this not just positive thinking, but actually something that you're going to do in your life, then I want you to commit to three things that you're going to do in the early part of 2015 here that verify that identity, that reflect that identity, that come directly out of that identity. So for example, if one of the things you want to add is I am bold, then you don't want to just leave it as a thought, an idea. But you want to say, okay, I am bold. What's one bold thing I'm going to do in the next week? And then guess what? Go do that thing. So this is a big action step, right? Three things you want to add to your identity. Then for each of those things, come up with one action that you're going to take that verifies that identity. And of course, go out there and do it, because that's where the real change is going to happen when you do this. It's amazing. I mean, when your identity shifts, it's amazing what opens up in your life and what becomes possible for you. So I'm so excited for you to experience this, for this to keep happening and growing in 2015 for you. Perhaps even you might even come up with some amazing goals as a result of expanding your identity. And I'd love to hear about your progress and what's happening for you as we move forward into this year. So as always, you can contact me through the website shrinkforthshyguy.com Ask your questions there as well, and I will answer them in upcoming episodes in this year. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.