Dr. Aziz (host of The Art of Extraordinary Confidence) explains that "over-accommodating"—automatically apologizing and taking responsibility for others' feelings—is a common pattern that undermines confidence, relationships, and health. He urges viewers to reframe their default response to upset with curiosity (e.g., say, “Oh, you’re upset. Tell me more.”), and to rehearse that phrase aloud to retrain their reactions. He references his book Not Nice (chapter: The High Cost of Nice) for deeper strategies and closes with a call to subscribe and apply the techniques.
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Do you sometimes wonder if you're too nice? If so, I guarantee you're doing this one thing, and it's not helping you, and it's making you feel more uncomfortable, more anxious, taking a hit on your confidence. And when you shift this, you're going to regain a lot more power. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and this is the show for you who want to maximize your confidence in every area of life that matters. And if you really want to maximize your confidence, hit the subscribe button down below and click the little bell. And that will give you notifications for when these videos come out. Because the more these videos that you watch and the more the stuff you apply, the better your confidence is going to be. And as a result, the better your life is going to be. Because confidence is the doorway to success in every area of life. So if you're overly nice, what is the thing that you're doing too much, maybe even all the time? Well, let me demonstrate. Imagine someone in your life, someone you're close to, a colleague, coworker, friend, partner, spouse, maybe even a stranger. There's that person. And then they're upset with you. They're angry. They're upset. What is your default impulse, your default response? The automatic response that comes to you 99% of the time when I ask this people, and this is my own for so many years, to apologize. Oh, what have I done? I'm sorry. I don't even know what I did, but I'm sorry. Right? We're just immediately like, I'm at fault because that's the wiring that we have that we've, you know, the conditioning that we've gotten. You are upset out there. My fault. You're upset. My fault. You're upset. My fault. Because maybe people told you that when you were younger or you just felt that way growing up. Now flash forward to where you are now in your life, and we react as if that's the case, but it's not, because that upset might have nothing to do with you. That comes from something called over accommodating. That's the thing that nice people are doing way too much that you might be doing all the time without even knowing it. Over accommodating is I gotta take care of everyone else's feelings. I gotta make sure everyone else is feeling great and okay and nothing bad. And it doesn't matter what I want or what I think or my needs or anything that just here to accommodate you. That's all that Matters. That's how we operate in life. It's very exhausting. It's very toxic for your relationships and for your self esteem and for your physical health takes a major toll. I have a whole chapter about it in my book. If you haven't read my book, by the way, about this, check it out. It's called not nice. Over 500 pages of strategies on how to become more free of all this stuff. But in there, there's a chapter called the High Cost of Nice. And I talk about what the effects are on our body and our mind and our emotions and everything. And it ain't pretty. So when you see yourself doing this, you want to change that pattern. So what do we change it to? Well, first thing you want to do is you want to remind yourself that other people's feelings are not your responsibility to fix. They're just feelings, they're just energy. And their feelings might have nothing to do with you. They might be pissed off because of something happened to them earlier that day. They might be angry because of a belief that they have that everyone should pay more respect to them or that everyone thinks that they're not smart enough or whatever's going on with them that now they're irritated or angry about it. So now they gotta prove that they're smart or prove that they're somebody and you just happen to be in the crosshairs or in their life in that moment. So it might have nothing to do with you. And so what you want your default response to be, what you want to train yourself to respond to upset with is this curiosity and almost like surprise. Like, oh, you're upset. So someone's upset. Instead of being like, I'm sorry, it's like, oh, tell me more. Oh, you're upset. Tell me more. Now, as simple as that sounds, it's very achievable. And here's how you do it. You imagine different scenarios and then you actually say those words out. You do rehearsal ahead of time. So you're sitting here, you're driving to work, and maybe there's someone you're scared of, your boss getting upset with you, because when they do, you like freak out. Or you're scared of someone you're dating getting upset with you, or a friend or anyone. Just imagine someone getting upset with you. And then when you're driving and you're alone in your car, you just say, oh, you're upset. Tell me more. Practice the tone, practice the energy inside. You might feel like all butterflies and tents in your stomach. That's okay. Just breathe. Lean into it. Face the fear. Oh, you're upset. Tell me more. And you keep practicing this. And guess what happens when someone's upset with you in your life. Oh, you're upset. Tell me more. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten feedback from people who see me at live events or other situations in a group or whatever, deal with someone who's upset and they're like, wow, you were, like, really calm and just curious about what's going on with them. Like, how did you get there? Like, well, let me tell you. And I share exactly what I'm sharing with you now. It's practice, it's repetition. It's retraining yourself. So do that in your life. And of course you want to go further with this. Check out the book not nice. Because you'll learn tons of strategies way beyond what we can share in this video and share below in the comments what you're getting from this, what you're going to use, questions you have, and we can all support each other to grow in our confidence until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.
