Nice People Don't Care Too Much

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, the show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy guy. And welcome 2026. Unless you're listening to this episode a year later and it's 2027. But I'm assuming you're with me right here now. Just waiting on every episode to come out eager. No, it's good to be with you. Happy New Year. And I'm excited to kick off this year as, as with any year, with liberation as our focus. You might have some very specific goals that you have in your own personal life, relationships, business, finance, career, health, hobbies, whatever, whatever you're into. But beyond all of that is a goal of liberation because that's what this show is about. That's what my mission is here, is to help people liberate themselves in a variety of ways, especially from social anxiety, shyness. Seeing yourself as less than who you really are. Believing some old, old identity, some old operating system that says, oh, you're a nothing, you're a nobody, not worth it, not, you know, not interesting to talk to, not worthy of friendship or love or belonging or connection. Old identity says you have to be this good boy or good girl to get everyone to like you, which is what today's episode is about. And, and you liberating yourself from that, and that language is intentional. You liberating yourself because I can't liberate you for you, right? No one, it's like no one can get in shape for you. You can get guidance and coaching and insights, but ultimately you, you are the one who gets fit. You are the one who liberates yourself. Now what I found is it doesn't happen. Even though it's on each of us to do that in our own lives, it doesn't mean that we have to do it alone. And it also doesn't mean that other people doesn't help us accelerate the process. Right. I think all of my growth has become in my life from coaching and participating in all kinds of lessons, learning mentors, guidance, one on one groups. Just immerse myself for decades in all kinds of different arenas of life. And that's, that's how I've grown so quickly. So it's like this idea of personal responsibility combined with putting yourself in the right environments. And I'll be excited to talk more about that opportunity as well with you in this episode. But let's talk about specifically liberating yourself in this domain of niceness, because that's one of the facets of this show, right? We talk about becoming more boldly, authentically, confidently yourself, right? That's the opposite of social anxiety. And also we can have this nice limiter, this nice cage, as I call it often, where that's also you not being who you really are. And there's one facet that I thinking about just recently that I thought would be very interesting to talk about with you today, which is that nice people don't actually care too much. And that might seem like a surprise. Cause I used to think of myself as a very nice person and thought that was a good thing. Over the years, I learned maybe there's better things than nice. Maybe nice is not all that it cracked up to be. And if that's new information to you, probably not. You probably read some of my books. But, you know, check out some of my books. One called not nice, the other one's called less nice, more you. And you realize the opposite of niceness is not being some maniac, jerk, arrogant person. It's actually being. Being a lot more authentically you. Now, one of the biggest sticking points I see when I'm working with clients is this resistance to becoming more assertive, more authentic, saying no, sometimes asking for what you want, right? These are all healthy expressions of who you are. And niceness can become this suppressing cage that you put yourself in. And one of the things that keeps us in the cage, well, it's primarily fear, right? If I step out of this, something bad's gonna happen. I'm going to be bad. This is where the trap gets really sticky, is. But I have to do this because that's what makes me a good person. That shows that I care. Dun, dun, dun, dun, Right? You got. You want to be a good person, don't you? You want to care, don't you? What are you saying? You don't care? And that's where a lot of people get tripped up. So we have to make this distinction about what caring actually is and why I even called this episode Nice People Don't Care Too Much. Because, in fact, a lot of people think they do care too much. Well, I care about that person. So I feel bad if they're upset. I feel in pain. I feel guilty after I, you know, that person wanted me to do that for them, and I should just say yes. I don't Want to hurt their feelings. I want to give them what they want. I want to keep them happy. I don't want them to be upset or disappointed because I care. I know I should just go that extra mile for so and so because they're. They're struggling or they're having a hard time. I mean, who am I to say no to them? I could probably do that for them. Yeah, I care. So I got to go do that. Right? And if I don't do it, it means I don't care. If I say no, it means I'm cold or withdrawn or harsh. I just don't care. And maybe, you know, they say that to you. Kids do this all the time, right? You don't care. You don't care about me. You're being mean. That's what my younger son says. He's upset. You're being mean. You don't care. You only care about my brother, not me. You care more about my brother than me. Right? These are all expressions of his upset that can be interpreted as, oh, no, oh, no, is that true? That I don't care? And right next to that, underneath that is the unconscious idea that you're supposed to care. And that's what a good person does. And if you don't care, it means you're bad. And this is part of the web of niceness. And I'm here to tell you right now that you don't care too much. And even if it seems like you care too much, you don't. Because what's happening is actually not caring. It's other things masquerading as caring. What are the other things? Well, one is essentially codependence, Right? So codependence basically means I'm okay if you're okay, and I'm not okay if you're not okay. So if you're feeling relaxed, happy, then everything's cool. And if you're upset, well, then my hair is on fire. What do you need? I gotta fix it right now or I'm not safe. Right. Which is the underpinning of all niceness is a fear. It's a survival fear. I'm going to be hurt, left, abandoned, not loved, not. Not worthy of love, not safe. If you are upset, if you're feeling any negative emotion, especially towards me, oh, my God. Especially because I caused it, because I wasn't caring enough. So nice people are running around over, you know, proving every day, every week, every situation is a ultimatum. You have to prove that you care or else. And other people might not even Be putting that on you, your partner, your friends, your parents, your kids, whatever. They might not. They might not have it wired that way, that it's like a extraction. It's a stick up. You better give it or else. But you feel that way. And maybe you've attracted someone into your life who says that as well. And now you got a double whammy, right? It's coming from the outside and the inside. What are you gonna do? Well, you're gonna run that pattern for decades. That's what most people do. They run it into the ground until they have too many problems. Right? Relationships fall apart. Or they get. They give everything to their partner, and the partner just walks all over them and maybe leaves or maybe stays and just keeps extracting and expecting. And then they try to have some boundary or say no. And the person's like, what are you doing? You don't do that. You do what I say. That's the dynamic we've created. Oh, yes, sir. Yes, ma'. Am. Right. Or whatever. You take advantage of people. Well, there's all kinds. You get physical body pain. I talk a lot about this in the chapter in Not Nice called the High Cost of Nice. Right? So in some way or another, what was that phrase that the chickens come home to roost? I don't quite know how that phrase works. I feel like Ron Burgundy and Win in Rome. But in some way or another, the chickens come home to roost. And what that means is something bad is going to happen when we keep running this pattern for too long. And because it's not caring, it's trying to feel safe inside by keeping everybody else emotionally regulated. And that is the core of niceness, is I am responsible to regulate your. Your emotions. And that's what I call in the book, over responsibility. Right. I'm responsible for you. Now, you don't think you're responsible to spoon feed them like a baby or something, but you feel responsible for their emotional state. That's the over responsibility. And then so you tell yourself, I can't say certain things or do certain things or say no or whatever, because that would cause emotional upset in them. And I am responsible to manage their emotional state. Right? And so then all of these behaviors that look like caring behaviors are coming from this place of attempting to regulate their emotional state. Are you with me? Because if you see this, it really changes the game, because then you can start to say no, and it doesn't mean you're this terrible, awful, horrible person. Right? Because no one wants to be a terrible, awful, horrible person. Right. So I am allowed to say no only when I realize that to do so is not this harsh, uncaring act that actually that's a form of something that's healthy, like healthy relating. Because other people are responsible for their emotional state. You are responsible for your own emotional state, as am I. And we all learn this, right? Like a 3 year old doesn't know this, they don't get what they want, they're screaming and throwing a tantrum. And as an adult, I'm not saying we don't scream and throw tantrums, right? Maybe we get stressed enough, we start yelling or blow our stack or huff and puff. But usually we're aware on some level like this is kind of inappropriate. I should be reining this in. It's only when we can't and it explodes out of us, right? But inside that doesn't stop us. We can tantrum like crazy inside our own heads, but we learn to not do it outside as much. But there is a overwhelming fear of other people's emotional upset. And so I'm going to do all this caring behavior to make sure that you don't have that upset. And what does that look like? Well, it could look like the most loving things in the world. It looks, it masquerades, right? That's why I said at the beginning of the episode, it masquerades as care. So that means, hey, what do you need? I'll get you what you need. I'll give you the thing, I'll pick up the thing, I'll go get the item for you, I'll be available for you, I'll pay, pick up the phone and I'll talk to you. I'll respond to your message right away. I'm right here if you need something. I'll go the extra mile, I'll take the kids there, I'll do this, I'll do that. It's over functioning, perhaps being excessively emotionally invested, right? So your problems are my problems, right? You gotta whatever and it feels mean or bad or not caring to do it any other way. So then, and here's where we really have to change this operating system. And this isn't just a matter of preference. This is a matter of health and vitality and really living. Because you will not be fully alive running this nice person operating system, guaranteed. At best, you might have an okay life around you, but it's not your life because you're not being you, right? So we have to get this because ultimately what will happen is you will keep being this caring Person, caring person, over functioning, over functioning, over functioning. But there's no end in sight. And you can't establish a new healthy way of relating because there's too much fear. And then it's bound in with this identity of. But I'm a caring person. And if you want to add just a little sprinkle of permanence to it, you don't say, hey, this isn't just that I'm a caring person. This is how any good person would be. This is what they want me to be, whether it's society, my culture, my religion. I mean, oof, you add God in there, God wants me to be this way. And it's. For some people, it becomes next to impossible for them to challenge that. And that doesn't make them bad or wrong or misguided. I'm not here to say anything about anyone's religion, right? I think religions are beautiful and I think spirituality is an, is an essential facet of you to develop. In fact, that's what my book recently came out, last month in December, Doubtless is all about how to go from confidence in just yourself, self confidence, to also confidence in life and connect with something larger and finding your way to do that. So I'm all for that. But people can take a certain facet of the cultural side of religion or an understanding of the rules and bind themselves into being this quote, caring person. And it's like a trap that there could be almost no way out of unless we see something different. You can't over function your way out of it. You just keep doing it. And when it's not working, when you're burnt out, when you're overwhelmed, when no matter how much you give people, they almost take you for granted and it feels awful, what's the answer? It's frickin more cowbell. Just go, go, go. Okay, I'll give more. Oh God. Jeez, they're upset. I guess I have to give even more. And this is where it gets real dark and people can feel super trapped and have all kinds of consequences in their lives. So I don't want that for you. And I'm imagining you don't want that for you, right? So what's the way out? Well, the way out is to fundamentally change this operating system to see that it's not carrying its fear. Right? So let me give you a couple practical examples, right? Immediately replying to someone's like feeling the urge to immediately reply to someone's text message or else is not caring, right? In fact, any action you take from this hasty, frantic, oh, God, I have to respond to them right now or else. You know what I'm talking about, right? That or else feeling, right, that is not actually coming from care. Even if the response seems caring. And you say something caring and loving, it's coming from fear. And it's a. It's a relational attachment, survival, fear. Not really about the situation at all, right? That pattern will just repeat again and again and again in your life. Saying yes and overriding your own internal no signals is not caring. And I know, I know this one. Trust me. It'll be like, hey, there's a time, man. There's a time to not focus on yourself. And you just got to show up and deal with what's happening, right? And that's true. That's true. And those times are. Are maybe extreme crisis or emergencies, right? You know, someone is falling over and you got to get them to the hospital and whatever. And you got to drive, fly somewhere, whatever. That's. Sure, that happens in life. But 99% of the time people are responding to a situation like it's like that, when it's not. It's an inconvenience, someone's frustrated, Someone sent you an email, right? They wanted something, they wanted to reply, and they're upset they didn't get it fast enough. Like, okay, that is very different than like grandma broke her hip and we got a, you know, what's that thing you could get where you press a button in your house and then because you can't get up, you know, they encourage elderly people to have it. Maybe nowadays your cell phone does that. But back when I was a kid, they'd have these kind of commercials, right? I hope I fallen and I can't get up. Are you with me? I don't know. Maybe this is a different, different era. Back on the tv, I was having that conversation, my kids. I just felt like, oh, God, I'm my dad. It was two recently. One was, I was talking about like someone's asking about disk sizes, like killer memory sizes. Kilobyte, megabyte, gigabyte terabyte. And I was explaining that to him and I was like, back in my day, we had a floppy disk that was 3.1, I think it was megabytes, you know. And he's like, whatever, dad. That's exactly what my dad would do to me. He's like, back in my. We had to do. And I was like, whatever, dad. And then the other moment that felt me, I just, I felt so much like a dad was when the kids were talking about watching shows and, like, why you would watch commercials and why you wouldn't just change it to a different show or something. And I was like, dude, there was no streaming. You just like, watch the cartoons that were on. Oh, it was Popeye. I was talking about how terrible Popeye is. No offense, if you love Popeye the Sailor Man. I thought those cartoons were awful and stupid. And I. We would watch whatever cartoons on a Saturday or something, and there be. They'd cycle. Like, there'd be a Warner Brothers cartoon, there'd be a Bugs Bunny, and then all of a sudden they'd throw a fricking popeye from the 40s in there. And you're like, oh, God, I have to watch this Popeye. My son's like, why don't you just fast forward it? I was like, this ain't streaming on demand. He's like, what? I was like, yeah, you, like, watch the thing. And then there was commercials, and you had to watch the commercials or leave. And then if you didn't like the cartoons, there was no other station playing cartoons. What is that about people as they age, they like to tell you how it was. Anyway, I also hiked 20 miles uphill in the snow. Kids these days, I tell you. Okay, all right. So how do you actually change this operating system? Well, there's been some clues and ideas and insights I've shared here, but I'm going to share what I believe, and this will be your action step is going to really fundamentally change time for action. Action. So your action step is going to be to commit. It's perfect time, right Beginning of the year. Unless you're listening to this later, and if you are welcome, you're here now, whatever month, this is perfect time to commit, to fundamentally change your approach to life. I know that sounds dramatic, but specifically in regard to this. This operating system of niceness, like, not just, oh, I want to become a little bit more assertive or I need to be a little more confident. I mean, I am going to frickin uproot and update and reinstall. You know, we're gonna wipe this and put a new operating system in here, and I'm gonna show up as a very different version of myself this year. And as you know, I believe that this doesn't just come from a wish or a momentary decision. This comes from a commitment. And then what I've done in my life repeatedly is from a place of commitment. I then immerse myself in. In an environment that will support me in reaching that Goal, whether it's fitness or monetary learning, business, personal growth. I've just put myself in tons of environments and I would love to invite you at this time of year is perfect to consider the environment of my unstoppable confidence Mastermind. It's a 12 month program. It's been going for a decade now. We've had over almost 700 people at this point go through it. I think the last count was like 650, but it's probably about 700 by now. People who've graduated from the program, professionals of all walks of life who have radically changed how they approach life, like upgraded their operating system. And it takes more than just like, I want to be a little bit more assertive, right? We have to learn about the mechanisms of niceness. Now it's operating. We have to be supported in the community to go get clarity on exactly how we want to change, become more assertive, go for what we want in life. Overcome fear and anxiety, social anxiety, build confidence. And this program has it all, right? It's immersion over the course of an entire year. Calls, live calls, as group calls with me, I'm right there, leading, teaching, supporting. You have the most powerful guidance system that walks you through step by step, month by month, exactly what to do to build these muscles. We have quarterly check ins to make sure you're on track. We measure progress. I mean it is like the most powerful thing to assure result as possible versus kind of piecemealing it together. So if you've been listening to my show for a while and you feel drawn to this work, I mean I think it's the most powerful and most unique training in this area of becoming confident, liberating yourself from social anxiety and niceness. So those, that's my jam. Like if you came to me and said, aziz, I want to, you know, sprint faster, I'm not your guy, right? But this area is, this is my zone and I've been helping people with this for decades. So I'd love to support you if you're drawn. You can go to just click down below on this episode. We'll have a link. You can also just go to my website, drazizdraziz I z.com and just click it right on the top. You know, apply for coaching and it's an application process. I interview everyone to make sure if someone's a good fit for the program. It's a very curated, intentional, small group of people. And now would be a beautiful time. And this could be the year to really fundamentally change this. So if you're drawn to that. I would love to support you regardless. Even if it's not with me, the action step remains the same, right? You must commit at the deepest level to fundamentally change your approach to life, not just speak up more with, you know, Uncle Bob. That could be a part of the process, but it's got to be much more than that, right? Or else we're just, we're going to stay in the same cycle and it's just rearranging chairs on the deck. So we got to go deeper, change this once and for all. And this show and everything that I'm doing in my books can be supports for you in doing that this year. Alright, thanks for being with me. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

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