Dr. Aziz (speaker) summarizes core differences from his book Not Nice by reading a "Nice vs Not Nice" quick-reference guide. He contrasts fear-based people-pleasing behaviors ("nice") with healthy self-interest and authentic expression ("not nice"), offers personal examples, and invites listeners to buy the book and share feedback.
Hey, Dr. Aziz, here, let's talk more about you being nice. My question for you today is, are you too nice? How do you know? What does that even mean? I mean, isn't niceness a good thing? Shouldn't I want to be more nice? How could I be too nice? These are great questions. All of these questions are answered in my new book, Not Nice where you're going to understand what is the difference between like being loving, kind, caring, compassionate, generous, all these good qualities that we want to have and niceness. And what you're going to find is that a lot of time when we say nice, it's actually fear based patterns of people pleasing, approval seeking, fear of guilt, fear of other people's upsets, fear of conflict, fear of assertion, fear of saying no, we just don't want to upset, we don't want to rock the boat, we don't want to rattle the cage. We are, as Theodore Rubin calls it, we're don't make wavers in life. And so I want to share something from the book with you. It's right at the very beginning, right after the table of contents. We put it in here right at the beginning. It's called the Nice versus Not Nice quick reference guide. So you get it first thing when you open the book, but also as you're reading you can go back and look at it. And this makes the clear distinction between a life of niceness and what not nice and what it really means. Because I mean the whole first part, the first quarter of the book is dispelling all these myths about that to be not nice is somehow makes you a bad human. And it's part of our nice programming which we'll learn a lot about in this book. So let me read this chart to you. It's super important. Nice. You feel a strong need to be liked by everyone. Being disliked makes you very uncomfortable. Just notice how many of these you relate to. Whereas the not nice version is you don't feel a need to control others perceptions to feel secure. Nice, you typically put others first. Also known as self sacrificing. Not nice. You take care of yourself first when needed. Acting with healthy self interest. There's a whole section in the book about selfishness, what it really means and how to have healthy self interest. Nice, you feel overly responsible for everyone's feelings. Not nice, you support others when possible while knowing each person is fully responsible for their own feelings. Nice, you experience chronic guilt and fear of hurting others. Not nice. You honestly and lovingly express your true self even though it sometimes Leads to painful feelings. Nice. You hide your opinions to avoid friction. Does that one ring a bell? Man did that for so many years. You freely speak up. This is the not nice equivalent. You freely speak your mind without the need to convince others or make them wrong. Nice. You rarely express upset directly. Not nice. You share your grievances directly while taking ownership for your feelings instead of blaming. Not nice or nice I should say you often don't say no to others even when you want to. Each one of these I'm like, is that, does that ring a bell? Every single one of these I'm like yeah, it did that, you know. And some of them it's like oh yeah, I used to do that a lot. And some of them it's like damn, I just did that last week. Right? So literally that one. You often don't say no to others even when you want to. That just happened to me like literally two weeks ago. So look, this is not like you obtain this and then you're perfect forever. This is just like a guidepost. And this quick reference guide is almost like you could just go down and read the not nice section. You don't feel a need to control others perceptions to feel secure. You take care of yourself first when needed, acting with healthy self interest and man shoot. You could almost just read these with I statements. I support others when possible while knowing each person is fully responsible for their own feelings. I freely speak my mind without the need to convince others or make them wrong. These are like ultra powerful affirmations helping guide you back to the most authentic version of yourself. There's more. This is a long table. I'm not going to read the whole thing. Get the book to find out. Nice. You seek safety in life. Not nice. You seek deep connection, authentic self expression, love, growth and meaningful contribution. Nice. You value others opinions of you more than your own opinion of yourself. Not Nice. You know yourself better than others and easily brush off negative comments so much in this book. So if you're liking what you're hearing in the not nice column and you want to live more of that life, get your copy of this book because it's going to be a guide. It's going to be a roadmap that's going to help you get there. So go. There's a link below to get your copy now. And I cannot wait to hear about your experience. Leave a Review Share Share what you're learning. Share how this is helping you because that's why I do this stuff. You know. This is me fumbling in the dark for years to figure this stuff out. Reading tons of books, doing counseling, doing group work, doing coaching. You name it. Everything. And then turning around and teaching everything I've learned. So I'd love to hear how it's impacting you in your life. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
