NO.

Welcome to Shrink for the shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about one of the best words ever, which is no. I know that might sound. Well, maybe that sounds right on for you and you know, you need this. But also it might go against what you have heard from a lot of self help, self development stuff. That's kind of like the power of yes, right? You know, I have a Tony Robbins shirt that says say yes with an exclamation mark on it. And I like that. It makes me smile. And that is important to be able to say yes to life, yes to the challenges that come your way, yes to the problems so you can face them and overcome them, yes to what you want, yes to your dreams, yes to your goals, yes to that you can live with more confidence and experience a better life. So yes is an awesome word, too, but that doesn't mean that no is a bad word. And then it kind of has that connotation, right? Like, no is a downer, no is upsetting, no is wrong, no is selfish, no is bad. No is not going into the flow of life. And I want to flip that on its head in our conversation here today. I want you to leave this episode with a newfound appreciation for no, where you might actually celebrate no and see the tremendous benefit of the word no. And the ultimate goal leaving this episode is for you to start using the word more intentionally, more consciously, and have the power and the freedom to do so. Because I think a lot of the time we know when we want to say no, but we don't feel free to do it. We feel scared. We feel afraid of what might happen in the other people's reactions. And so we, we don't. But so let's, let's look at that starting right now. First of all, the reason that I think we're. I think no is a downer word is because you might be using no to avoid things that you Ultimately, do want to do. There was a movie a long time ago called yes man that starred Jim Carrey where he said no to everything in life. And his life was really limited and really restricted and really small and really unfulfilling. And he goes to this seminar where he learns about the power of the word yes and he starts saying yes to everything. And lo and behold, his life becomes amazing. At least that's my recollection of the movie. Perhaps there is a different moral in there, but there is some truth to that in that maybe for many years you use no as a form of avoidance. So someone's like, hey, do you want to go do this thing? No, I don't want to. Do you want to go out here and try this new activity? No. Do you want to put yourself out there? No. You want to take a risk? No. Approach that person? No. No. Certainly not. And that is a misuse of. Of no. Right? That's no in a way that doesn't serve us. So if that has been your experience with no, if that's your history with the word, then yeah, that use of it might not be optimal for you. However, that's not the kind of no that we're celebrating here. We're talking about the kind of no that is necessary. The kind of no that is actually life affirming. What, there can be a no that's actually good for you? Yeah. And in fact, let's just start with this right now. Where in your life right now would it help you to say no? Can you think of anything at work? Anything at work that you could say no to or would benefit and forget about? Actually, whether you could or not? Maybe it feels like that's off limits or that's not allowed. But is there anything that maybe, man, that would make your life better if you could say no to it? What about socially, anything you'd want to say no to? Little things or big things? And what about in a romantic relationship or dating would you want to say no to? We're just scanning the different areas of your life here. What comes to your mind? Usually when I do this with people, there's at least one, but often many, half a dozen or more places where you just naturally want to. There's just some sense of you can't or it's bad, or it's wrong, or it would never happen or you have to say yes. We want to examine that though, don't we? Is that really true that you have to say yes? And what would happen if you had the courage to say no, because I find usually the problem is not them and out there, and they wouldn't like it. And other people, it's in here. I'm afraid to do it. I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to feel the discomfort. So I'm just going to avoid that by saying yes when I really want to say no. But we need to find that courage in ourselves to do it, to say no. And I think that. So for me, there is a man. Maybe it's that damn Tony Robbins shirt says yes. I can say yes to so many things before I even realize what I'm saying yes to. And this shows up a lot in my work life. There's so many projects I could be excited about. I'm a very dynamo, creative type. Oh, I want to do that, and I want to do that, and I want to do that. I care about my work and my mission. And so, yes, I want to reach more people. And yes, we can try this. And yes, we want to add that to the group because it'll help more people. And yes, let's do that. And yes, let's do that. And so you run into the problem, which you might be familiar with, I certainly am. Of over commitment. And then what is the effect of that? For me, it's a sense of overwhelm. There's just too many things on my plate and a sense of no matter how much I do, I don't get it all done. There's even more there. And that's often a problem of over commitment, of saying yes to too many things. And so in order to say no, what has to happen? That's a very valuable question. What is the feeling or set of feelings that you must face in order to say no? So that area that you were thinking of, where it would be beneficial to say no, what are the uncomfortable feelings you'd have to face in order to say no? For me, it's saying no to people, letting people down. No, I can't interview on your. Whatever thing they want to interview me for. We get a lot of invites for those things. No, I can't give this person whatever it is that they want. And also it's the discomfort of saying no to my own enthusiasm and desires. I want to do that. I want to do that, I want to do that. But saying no to those things, or at least not right now, like, okay, great, but not right now, you know, in the service of this, I came up with and started doing this at the beginning of the year that I started doing this is each quarter I picked three goals in work and business, three primary goals. And then what I would do is anytime I was working on something else or there was a new potential project or whatever, I'd look at that list and say, is this in alignment with one of these three? Is this on track with helping me achieve one of these three major goals? And if the answer was no, I started to say no to it, and that felt uncomfortable. Another reason that we don't want to say no, and I've experienced this, is a sense of FOMO fear of missing out. When people hear that, sometimes they think it just means, like, going to a party or something, but it's actually a fear that if you miss out on something, something bad is going to happen. Well, if I say no to these opportunities, then there won't be future opportunities. Is that one you can relate to? If I say no to this invitation, there won't be any other invitations. If I say no to this potential business opportunity, then that'll be it. So I have to do it now. And there's a sense of scarcity behind that makes us say yes to everything. So what are the feelings for you? What are the uncomfortable feelings that you must face in order to be able to say no? And it's important to identify them. You know, intellectually, that's helpful, but even more helpful is to feel them. You know, is it a squeezing in your chest? Is it a quivering in your heart? Is it a tightness in your stomach? Is it a, you know, makes you want to breathe more shallowly? How do you feel that fear or discomfort? And settle into it a little bit, lean into it a little bit. Okay, that's what that feels like. Because on the other side of that discomfort is something amazing. As I started to say no to more, these opportunities and projects and different people and things, as I said, it was uncomfortable at first, but then, guess what? I got to do more of what matters most to me, more of what I'm most committed to, more of what I'm most focused on. And so not only are you able to do more of what feels fulfilling to you, but then you make better progress on those things. So one thing, the reason I say no to more is I wanted to make progress on my next book, and it was just getting pushed down to the bottom of the priority heap because there was always something that seemed more urgent than writing the next book. This person wants this or this team member has this question, or what about these marketing efforts and stuff that seems more pressing. And so I was like, I'll get to that later. I'll get to that later. And eventually it was like, no, this is never going to get done. And writing is one of the most enjoyable things that I do. So I need to make this happen. So what I did is I went out maybe about three weeks from where I were, the present date. Went out about three weeks into the future in my Google Calendar. And I marked off, I start work at 8:30. And I marked off 8:30 to 9:30am Monday through Friday. I'm writing this book, damn it. And I'm not gonna check email, I'm not gonna respond to team members. I'm just. I'm off limits that I'm writing this. I'm gonna go in my little internal cave and just work on this. And then I think the three works rolled around. And then the first week that I had on the schedule, I couldn't actually do it. There was still momentum to previous projects. But then finally, after about four weeks, I was able to start doing that. And, man, that felt good. The end of a work day. It felt more fulfilled even. No matter what else happened that day, it's like, yeah, I did that and that felt good. So you make progress. And when you say no to all these other little things, you can say yes to the big things. You can say yes to what really fulfills you. And I think that we often say yes to all the little things and end up doing a lot of stuff that's not exactly what we want. Because sometimes there's fear or discomfort about limiting ourselves to just the most important stuff. Maybe it's fomo, maybe it's that the most important stuff that's gonna give your life the most juice and fulfillment and satisfaction is also the scariest shit. So, you know, man, I gotta approach if I really wanna start this business, maybe I have to approach a lot of different people in different contexts and ask questions and get rejected. Or if I really wanna grow this business, I'm gonna have to do that. And so you really want it. You want to block off other things, say no to other things so you can focus on that. But, oh, that means I have to face this discomfort. So we have that impulse to fill our schedule to be too busy so that we can't do the things that we most want to do because we're also the most scared of them. But when we become aware of that, it's liberating. They could be like, well, no, I still want to do it. Yes. Even though it's scary. So not only do we need to Say no to some things and make that okay. We need to start saying no to a lot of things. There's a great quote. I don't know who said it. You might know more than me. Maybe it was Warren Buffet. I don't know. You just attribute any quote to Warren Buffett. He's old enough. He's been around. But it was something like, successful people say no to a lot of things. Extremely successful people say no to almost everything. And I really am seeing the truth of that more and more as there's more and more opportunities, you have to get better and better at saying no. And this doesn't just apply to business. We're talking about business here. But in your work and your career, people. But this applies to everything. Relationships. Here's another great quote about no. You have to say no to what is good so you can say yes to what is great. You have to say no to what is good so you can say yes to what is great. And how many of us stay in relationships, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship or a business relationship, that is not great. Maybe it's bad, or maybe it's good or good enough. I had someone, a team member that I worked with for many years, two and a half years, I think. And it was good. It was okay. There was a lot of frustration, a lot of the person not being able to follow through in the way that I wanted. But I just stayed in it. And I was afraid. Afraid of change, felt reliant, felt kind of codependent, like, I need this person or else my business will fall apart. So I stayed in it. I've done that in romantic relationships, too. Maybe you have as well. And so then there's this staying in it, saying yes to it even though we need to say no to it. And eventually, eventually I did. And, man, it was scary. It was scary. I had, like, all this anxiety before making the decision and then before actually letting her go and then bringing on some new people. I remember having all this body pain for like a week or two, which is just a symptom that I know is anxiety for me at this point. And though got to the other side of it and the people that I replaced this person with and expanded and got a bigger, better team. Oh, my goodness. Like, just night and day. Night and day. Like, holy cow. This? This. Yes. This is what I was needing. And maybe you've experienced that in romantic relationships where you're dating someone, you're. It just seems. It's kind of good. But, man, we fight really bad in these ways. And maybe I just need to get better at my communication. And you're trying to figure it out and it's never quite getting there. And then you decide to leave, and then you get with someone new and you're like, oh, my God, this is so much better and so much easier. Like, I don't, you know, sure, I'm going to keep working on my communication, but we just don't fight like that. We communicate so much better. So you can experience what's great only when you let go. And yes, letting go is scary. We cling to that old relationship, that old person. Like driftwood and the wreckage of the Titanic. Gotta stay alive, but we gotta let go. We gotta swim. We gotta swim to that boat, swim to that island, swim to something. And we have to let go in order to get that. So what my question again for you, what are you gonna say no to? And what's happening right now? Do you feel maybe nervous? Maybe you still feel like you don't have permission, like it's bad or wrong or selfish of you to say no? That's another big thing that prevents us from saying no. Is like, well, yeah, but if I say no, that's what someone else wants. And now I'm hurting them. Now I'm. I'm bad. And this might show up in work context. Like, you gotta say yes to what other people want. You gotta be a team player. This might show up in your relationship. You don't wanna disappoint your partner. That's an awful thing to do. I know. For me, it shows up. It could show up with my wife, Candace, but also with the kids. My two little kids. They weren't, daddy, let's do this. Daddy, let's do that. Play this, play that, and I'll play a lot of things. And then sometimes I'll say no. And then I would have periods where I feel bad about saying no. I should say yes to everything. I should be the crazy, fun dad who's just, like, playing nonstop, even though I'm also trying to make food and clean up the kitchen and do whatever around the house. But I should somehow always say yes. That's the pressure I put on myself. Do you put similar pressure on yourself where I should say, where do you do that? Where are you hard on yourself? Where are you demanding that you never disappoint anyone? And one of the biggest, most liberating things you can do is just give yourself permission to disappoint. I have permission to disappoint people. It Sounds kind of bad, but it's. Man, is it relieving. And guess what? It's freaking true. Because even if you didn't give yourself permission and you said no, I'm going to be the best partner, the best husband, the best wife, the best girlfriend, the best boyfriend, the best parent, the best son or daughter, sibling, I'm going to be the best, the greatest that's ever lived and never, ever, ever, ever disappoint anybody. Even if you tried to live to that perfectionistic, inhuman standard, guess what? You're going to fall short. You're gonna fail. Because you cannot prevent all disappointment. How on earth would you be able to satisfy every person in your life's every passing, whim, desire, fantasy, some of which they might not even be fully aware of, whatever their expectations or hopes are in that situation, you're supposed to somehow always fulfill that no. It's impossible and it's extremely tension producing to try instead. Much healthier to give yourself permission right now to disappoint people sometime. That's going to happen. I'm going to be me. I'm going to determine how to take care of myself and in my relationships. I'm going to listen to people and I care about their wants and needs and I'll do what I can to help fulfill them. And at other times I'll say no. And that's okay. And this one is a, this one's a process. I'm still working on this one, especially with the kiddos and really noticing when I can turn on myself and make it so bad and so wrong and so tragic and so horrendous to say no to a game or to a particular request, but the more permission you have to say no in all areas. Here's the thing, not only the better do you feel, but the better you get at saying no. Because when we feel like we don't have permission, our no has a lot of tension around it. And we're almost like angry or resentful of the person for asking. How dare you ask me of that? Because we are uncomfortable saying no. And so they're bad for asking because that made us uncomfortable. But the more at peace you can get with saying no, the more relaxed you can be, the more you can just say no. No. Thanks. No, I don't want to right now. No. No. The beautiful, life affirming gift of no. That's what we want to strengthen here together. So let's look at exactly how you're going to do that this week. Time for action. Action. Action. Your Action step for today. Well, one is to identify where you want to say no. So, as you've been listening to this episode, have you come up with at least one area where you want to say no more? And if not, then start with that. Like, where. Where are you going to do this? And hopefully you have already. So then the next piece of that action is going to be to go do it. To say no and to get started. Get started now and start to say it more and more often. So you might have a very specific situation like, I want to say no to so and so about such and such request at work. I want to say no to this, you know, social offer or whatever, but. And you might just have a general area like, I need to say no more at work. Well, then, great. When you're at work, remind yourself of that. Set little games like today. Sometime today, I'm gonna say no to something. I don't know what, but I'm looking for my opportunity. Or this week, I'm gonna say no to two things. Set a little game like that and follow through. Because if you live in the fear of saying no and never confront that fear, then you're always gonna be in fear of that. But if you start to confront that fear, face that fear, take the action, say no. What you're gonna realize is it's not that big of a deal. Life goes on pretty much unflinchingly, just carries on. You might feel greatly different. You might actually start to enjoy your life a hell of a lot more. But the world around you at large doesn't seem that different at all. No one really cares. Your job goes on, your relationships go on. Everything just keeps going. People adapt very quickly. Might not even notice, might not even bat an eye. That was one of the things that really blew my mind. I had all these fears built up of what's gonna happen if I say no here and then I do it. And not only would people not react harshly or negatively, they didn't seem to even react at all. Oh, okay. Well, moving right along. And it was like I had this big rule in my head and I broke this horrible rule by saying no. And then I found out that no one else had that rule. It was just in my own mind. So test it. Get started. Get started now. Start saying no. Set those little mini games of 1 or 1 today or 2 this week or 3 this week or whatever. And. And just start building up that repetition, building up that practice. You got this. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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