No More Awkward Conversations

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. I'm glad you're here with me. Today will be the end, the end of awkward. Yes, yes. You can free yourself from awkward conversations that no longer has to be a regular occurrence for you. You're going to learn exactly what creates the awkward, how there's different types of awkward, and how to truly walk away from conversations feeling more free, more connected, more confident. And it's a game changer because awkward conversations are really painful. Not just the conversation itself, but maybe the aftermath, the after effect, what you're doing in your own head. I know that one. The replaying and the cringing, shaking your head with embarrassment. So we can shift that. You can free yourself from that. And I'm very excited to show you how. And it's very fitting because I'm going to share what I can in this episode. But to be doing a deep dive in this whole topic from awkward conversations to truly authentic connections. Spontaneous, easeful conversations that go deeper and further and are fun and enjoyable. This is really the theme of my upcoming virtual workshop, Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And I would love to spend those three days with you. You can get your ticket. We're doing the early word sale right now, so you can get it for $97, which is saving over 67% or something off of the full ticket price. And you can upgrade to VIP as well if you want, where you can get longer training and you get the recording for the full event as well. So you can join from anywhere in the world. And if you've been listening to this podcast and you want to take the next step, it's a very easy way to step into it. It's a $97 investment. We are meeting Friday through a Sunday in about a month, in October. And so you can, without a huge amount. You don't have to like fly out here and spend five years of your life. With three days, you can make a radical shift. And it's way beyond listening to the episodes of this podcast though, because it's a structured, a systematic approach. We're going to be building something and doing something together. Plus, what emerges from the live interaction and teaching and working with people is really moving and extraordinary in ways that are beyond just information. Right. You can get lots of information from the Internet, from ChatGPT. It can tell you 17 conversation starters. But there's something about the human connection and seeing other humans on the journey and feeling what it's like to be in that room that transforms us. So I would love to share that experience with you. And we'll have a. A link down below this episode that'll take you to the page where you can find out more about the event and get your ticket. Or just go to draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com and there's a little ban right there on the homepage. So we're awkward. Let's end awkward right now. First things first, is you have to know what awkward is, because part of the problem is not awkward. It's the way you use that word and the meaning that you give it. So let's break this down for a minute. What is awkward? Right. If you were to say, oh, that conversation was so awkward, or I was so awkward, or she was so awkward, or it was so awkward. Right. All common ways we would use that term. What does that mean? Force yourself right now to come up with an actual definition. Like you're on a. It was like a test or something. Like, all right, what's the definition of awkward? Ready? Go. What would you come up with? Right. Well, sometimes people say. I don't know. It was. It was awkward, man. Okay. You can't use the definition in the def. In the. When you're defining a word, right? You know, fail, try again. Right? Well, it was. I don't know. It was uncomfortable. Okay, great. Tell me more. I don't know. It's like it was awkward. It was. It was. It was. It was embarrassing. It felt off and strange and weird and disconnected. And they were looking at me and they were judging me and. Oh, did you feel anxious? Yeah, yeah, of course. I felt really anxious and uncomfortable. Okay, all right. So another word for awkward might be feeling embarrassed or anxious or uncomfortable. Right? Okay, so this might seem like we're just describing the same thing, but saying, oh, I felt anxious or I feel uncomfortable is very different than saying, I am awkward or it was awkward. Because when we use the term awkward like that, it puts it into the experience, like, as if it is something. Like, I'm holding a water bottle right now. It's like, here's a water bottle, right? You can hear it sloshing around. So that is a water bottle. It was awkward. A water bottle is a real thing. It's a tangible, physical thing. Awkward is not a real thing. And another, the reason this is important is because you might be feeling uncomfortable inside. And that doesn't mean that the other person is also feeling the same way. But when you say it was awkward or I was awkward, it makes it seem like that's how it was to everybody around. Everybody could see there's a water bottle sitting on the desk there. But no, not everybody could see that it was awkward. And I think this is a really important distinction because I've worked with a lot of people who feel anxious or uncomfortable around others. That's basically a manifestation of social anxiety. And yet they're having a conversation, they're talking to the person the other person might be sharing with them. And if we were to go interview the other person afterwards and say, how was that? They say, oh, that was okay. I talked to so and so, and we had a connection. And so they didn't feel anything about the awkwardness. But the person I'm working with was like, you know, torn to shreds by it, and it prevented them from being able to really appreciate the connection. Right. So there's a few different kinds of awkward that we need to break down. So first of all, remember that awkward is just what, Uncomfortable, anxious, and is nothing specifically in the environment. Now, there are a few kinds of uncomfortable, or what you might call awkward. One is you are feeling uncomfortable because it's like an inner. You want to be seen a certain way, you want to control a certain situation. You want to be. Make sure you're attached to how someone reacts to you, that kind of thing. And that can create an anxiety or social anxiety. I don't want them to judge me. I want them to like me. I want them to want to go on a date with me. I want them to think I'm this or that. Right? And you can feel anxious now, you can still go on and have a great conversation with them. And it. What was it? Was it awkward? No, it was a great conversation for them. But for you, you were feeling anxious and uncomfortable. And so maybe you didn't enjoy it at all because you were attached to a certain outcome. That's one kind of awkward. There's another kind of awkward, which I think everyone assumes it's this one, which is you don't know what to say in a certain moment. Maybe because you're attached to getting a certain outcome. Perhaps you could use some conversation skill training. Right. And that's something that we do at the event as well. Not because you're, like, completely inept at conversations. But because when you're confident and relaxed, you know generally how to talk to people. I've never met a person who didn't know how to talk to people when they were confident and relaxed. Now, they might not feel that confident or relaxed ever. But you know, if you got em really relaxed, maybe sometimes with alcohol, I'm not suggesting that, but that's what a pathway people use. They could have a conversation, maybe not with everyone, maybe not with a stranger, but with a good friend, with a family member, with someone they've known for a long time, with an uncle, whatever, right? They could just unwind and relax and let go and have a conversation. The issue is that when you get into a situation where you're feeling tense, nervous, you want a certain outcome, you're judging yourself, you're putting pressure on yourself, something to create that anxiety, then our ability to have a good conversation goes out the window, not because we're not capable of it, but because we're in fear mode, not connection mode. And now we're in damage control, impression management, trying to make sure that we come across a certain way and we're really in our heads and we're kind of removed from the presence and the connection to that moment. And in those moments, conversation skills can actually be very helpful because you can consciously do what you normally do without thinking about it, right? So let's say someone knows how to drive a car, and you can drive a car without even thinking about it. But if you were nervous or really anxious or maybe teaching someone else how to do it, you'd focus on every little aspect. Say you put your hand here and you go like this, and you use a wheel like that, right? And so we want to be able to do that with conversations. You want to have some tools you can use that can help you, but that is a certain kind of awkward that can occur when you literally just don't know what to say. Because the fear I think that people have around awkward is not that they're of the first one where they're uncomfortable inside, but the conversation goes well enough. We're afraid that if I'm uncomfortable inside, then I'm gonna make you uncomfortable inside. And then you're gonna be like, dude, I'm uncomfortable around this guy, this weirdo, and I want to get away from him because he's weird and awkward. Right? That's what we're afraid of. And I'm gonna level with you. That can happen sometimes and it can happen when we're one. This is kind of a sad irony which Is, in the words of Master Oogway, a man meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it. So I really, really, really want to make sure this conversation goes well. It better, better, better not, not, not be awkward. Oh, my God. I better know what to say. I have to know what to say next. I have to keep the conversation going smooth or I'm gonna die. Which, by the way, is a. Is a phenomenal pep talk to feel confident and relaxed, isn't it? So then I put that pressure on myself, and of course, I get in the conversation, and trust me, I've run this playbook many a time. And then what happens? Deer in the headlights. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And it's not because you don't have the capacity to connect with people. That's what I believed for many years, and that's why I'm so excited about helping you shift this. It's not that you don't have the capacity. You do have the capacity. It's because you're in a fear state. And when we're in a fear state, we go into protection mode. Yes, I want to connect, but really, I just want to make sure I don't get hurt. And then I start almost having to. It's like this chess match to get something without being taken over or wounded or hurt. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna get you to like me without really revealing who I am. And it does. It never works, because connection is not a chess match, and connection doesn't require perfection. And you can actually experience more connection when people see more of you, including the messy parts and the anxious parts. And that's one of those things. We all read it on a magnet or a bumper sticker or some social media post, and we're like, yeah, that's right. You want to do it. You want to be yourself around others. No, no, no, no. You mean not like me. No, that's good for someone else. Or that's good for me. When I'm on my best day of the year and I look good and I. I smell good and I hit all my targets and I'm sexy and awesome, then I can reveal all of me, but not like all. All of me. Right? And so we have so much fear and we're trying to connect without really being seen and known. And that can create a lot of fear in our interactions. And that fear can compound and put us into this almost survival mode, because we're really, really afraid. And to make matters worse, we imagine, well, if they do judge me if they do think, wow, this guy didn't know what to say, I don't really like being around him, then that's awful. And we might make it seem awful, like, oh, they're not going to want to be my friend or date me. But the real awful that we're really scared of, it means no one's going to want to be my friend. No one's going to want to be in a relationship with me because I am unlovable. And that's what we're terrified of. Now we go into the conversation in this state of terror. You already probably can see where this is going and it's awkward, shocking. Shocking, right? And so we don't know what to say. And then the other person might get uncomfortable. And it's not just because you don't know what to say, but it's because you are having this super intense panic inside which people can feel. It's almost like an emotional contagion. They're like, what's going on with that guy? Why is there his eyes wide and he's like pouring sweat all over his face and licking his lips a bunch, right? It's because I'm terrified. So what's the way out of this? How do we not have awkward conversations? Are, you know, are we supposed to become the smoothest conversation master in the world? Well, attending an event called Conversation Master might help, but. But yes, there is a way out. But no, you don't have to become the most smooth, the best. The way out is to lower the stakes, to de escalate the situation, man. It's not a life or death situation. It's not a proving ground of your self worth. It's just two humans squawking at each other. You ever seen the Natural Geographic or some kind of nature footage? We have like a, you know, it's during a flamingo migration or some other bird migration, geese or something. And there's like massive crazy numbers when it comes to animals like that, right? It's like here's 1.7 million flamingos flying across the savannah to a temporary lake that forms every, you know, whatever march. And they all land on there and there's this ocean of pink, these birds. And then they zoom in there, you know, some camera dudes down there smells, I'm sure, fantastic. And you just see millions of flamingos and they're all standing around in this knee deep water and what are they doing? They're just honking at each other, man. That's pretty good. No, sorry for my zoologist friends. I'm going to shake their heads at my disparagement of these animals. I love the flamingos. I am pro flamingo. But I'm just saying it sounds to me like they're just squawking at each other. Now, I'm sure they have a complex society and language system that they're using, and that's great, but really, they're just squawking at each other a bunch. And maybe they're saying like, what's up? What's up? This is my turf. This is where I am. What's you at? You want a date? Huh? Whatever they're doing, I don't know. But that's what we're doing, too. No offense. See, I'm an equal opportunity offender. I'm offending the humans and the flamingos. We're all just squawking, man. We're just saying stuff. And that's one of the biggest things that I hope to open up for you either in this episode, in our whatever, however long we spend together in these podcasts and elsewhere, or if you come to the event with me, I get to open up the. The permission to just let yourself be known, to just say stuff. Because that's what other people are doing. And there's this painful story you have, like, well, I'm not interesting enough or what I say is not good enough. It's not the same as those people. You imbue what they're saying with some special meaning. It's like you see it through this lens. It's not even real. They're just saying stuff. I remember there's this client I worked with, and he had this, you know, just really real difficulty. Very awkward, you might say, he might say in conversations. And if you were to observe it, he was sort of shut down, seeming like he didn't offer much the way I would think it is. If talking to him was trying to like, roll a square wheel where it's like ka Chunk. You got to push it again, Kachunk. It doesn't get flowing. And it's not because he was aloof or didn't like people or didn't want to connect, or he didn't like the people or whatever they might conclude or other people might think it was that he was anxious inside and he had this long standing story that what other people share is more interesting and better than me and what I have to share is not worth sharing. And that's not fact, that's not reality. And you might be able to point and say, well, so. And so told me that when I was young, my parents didn't listen to me and Uncle Larry said what I said was boring and my voice sounded dumb or whatever. Fine. I don't know what Uncle Larry said f that guy, if he did, but. And I don't know what happened with your family, and maybe, unfortunately, I'm sorry, they did ignore you or pay more attention to a sibling and think, you know, convey, communicate that someone else was better than you or worth listening to more. I'm not saying that didn't happen. It may have happened, but that isn't the accurate conclusion. Right. There's a. There's 50 different conclusions. So you get to choose your reality and say, in my reality, my parents paid more attention to my brother because he was outgoing and loud or because he was better at sports and they liked that or whatever. Or they did it unconsciously without knowing why. But that doesn't mean that I'm not of value. I get to choose that. And until you claim that, people are waiting around for someone to claim it for them. It's like you claim that. And so I was helping the client do that. And then I said, okay, well, tell me about your day as a role play, just to see how he did it. And it was so downplayed, like, well, I did some this and that. Don't listen to me. And so not only if someone tries to connect with him, he's not giving them replying a lot to what they're saying, but if someone tries to draw him out, he's basically telegraphing loud and clear, don't talk to me. Now, they might take it as, oh, he doesn't want to talk to me. But what's really happening for him is, oh, they don't want to hear about me and my life. And that's what created the awkwardness. And so he needed to. His liberation came in realizing that his sharing was no different than my sharing or your sharing. We're all just a bunch of flamingo squawking here. And that he can just say things. And it feels so weird. And there's all this story about how bad it's going to go if you do. But, you know, he was willing to, and he was doing his work and, you know, he was investing in coaching, so he wanted to actually get results. And so he started to practice, and lo and behold, he started to share more. Not the most epic stories of adventure, but just about his life and himself and his feelings and his experience and his perspectives. And guess what? It drew people in. Just like it would for you. Right. So the awkwardness is not embedded in who you are. It's a result of all these inner things that I'm pointing at. As you could tell from this episode, there's like 15 different things I pointed to right now that each of those is a rabbit hole that we can go down at a future date. But for now, let's turn this into one specific action time for action. Action. Action. For your action step, let's look at that freedom, that permission to share, to see and be seen, to be known by others. And if you just imagine sharing a little bit more openly about you. When someone asks how you doing or what's going on, you share a little bit, you give them something as opposed to nothing. Yeah, Right. You just choose to claim that what's going on in your life is worth sharing. First of all, just thinking that, just trying that on. How does that feel? Scary. Is there resistance to it? Is there fear? Is there something that stops you from doing, like, well, no. No. Okay, well, then that's your action step right there. What's up with that? Because as long as you're holding that wall in front of yourself, like pushing that locked door down on yourself, there's no amount of conversation technique that's going to break free. Right? Because underneath you're telegraphing, I'm not worth it. Don't listen to me. So that's the starting point. And then if there's not a whole lot of fear or resistance, then I'd say, great, test it out. Why don't you share something today a little bit more openly? You don't have to go from 0 to 60 here, just 5% more. 5% more real, 5% more transparent. Let other people know you and watch that awkwardness melt away. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. I love this topic. I would love to support you. If you're drawn to the event, come join me. Go to Drozeez.com and get yourself a ticket at the early bird rate. And I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.