14 Dec 2022 · 23 min
Dr. Aziz explains the difference between a victim mindset, where you wait for someone to fix things, and an ownership mindset, where you take responsibility for your response. He uses a parenting story to show how blame and fantasy keep you stuck, then asks you to name one area where you're playing victim and choose to own it instead.
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Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself, second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Today I have a question for you. Well, maybe several questions for you. One, are you waiting? Two, what are you waiting for? And three, who are you waiting for? Are you waiting for someone to come save you? And I wanted to address this in today's episode because I see it all the time and it is sometimes subtle. You might not be aware that you're doing it. And we all can fall into this mindset subconsciously. And so it's really good to be able to call it out so that you can choose something different. And really what today's about is a bigger distinction, which is the owner, victim distinction, which I talk about in my book the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. And just to give a quick recap of that, in any given moment of the day, you can be in one of two mindsets, attitudes, perspectives, or a way of approaching your life. And one could be called owner and one could be called victim. So the owner, when you are in an ownership mindset, that means you're taking ownership for your life. I am responsible for what I choose to do, how I choose to handle the situation, what I choose to say, what actions I choose to take. And that doesn't mean that you don't have feelings or you're not upset about something or you wish something didn't happen, or you're not a robot. You say, yeah, I wish this didn't happen, or wow, this is hard, or I don't like this. And now what? How am I going to show up given that this is happening? What am I going to do? So the ownership part is that you are taking ownership for your responses, your ability to choose how you respond to. To your life and whatever happens in your life. And the opposite of the other side of this is the victim mindset. And when we're in that mindset, something happens, we don't like it, or there's a certain area of your life that's not the way that you want, or you're struggling with something and you say, ugh, I don't like this. This isn't fair. We thrash, we resist it, and ultimately we're believing that we don't have any power to change it. This is how it is. Because this is who I am. Because I'm not enough, because there's something wrong with me or because he did this, because she said that, because they, because the politicians, because the economy, because my spouse, because my kids, because something out there. Therefore I have to feel this way, I have to behave this way. I don't have any other choices. This is how it is. And that's the victim mindset. And in any given day, you can flip back and forth between the two. You might be in total ownership in one component of your life. The way you show up at work and then you get to your relationship and you're just victim mode all over the place. And it shows up as you being like, well, they didn't say this to me, so they don't like me and so I'm going to be withholding with them. And if you don't say all that, that's what's happening inside. And we just want to get honest, we want to get real. Because one of the biggest symptoms or consequences of the victim mindset is waiting for someone to come save you. Even if that's not what you say you're doing, that's what's happening. So I want to unpack that. Because this can happen when we're completely stuck. Like if you're stuck in social anxiety, you're waiting for something, someone, something to change something circumstances change, someone to come into your life that's going to save you. And so even if you are seeking a solution, let's say you found my book, the solution to Social anxiety, or you talk to a therapist, or you say, I'm going to go do something about this. You can. Even when you're seeking solutions, which seems like an owner thing to do, right? You can be doing that from a place of total ownership or being a victim. And the way that would look, if you are being a victim is you look at the book and you read through it and maybe don't even read the whole thing. You just kind of flip through it and say, what? How's this gonna help me? Or, okay, I guess I'll try some of these things. Here we go. Ah, you see, I knew that wouldn't work. Or maybe you ratchet up a little Bit. Okay, I'll try. I'm gonna give it a try. And you try one thing. You say, oh my God, it's so uncomfortable. I don't like this. Oh, this isn't working. Oh, this sucks. And if you pay attention to let's. And it's hard when we're in victim mode, it's hard to see what we're really doing. And I'll explain why in just a minute. But if someone were to observe you from the outside, they would see that in maybe you don't actually apply what the book is saying. You don't actually go take the actions that are suggested. Maybe when you're talking to that therapist or other situation, you're not really addressing what's going on, you're kind of venting or talking around the problem. And if they suggest that you go try something, you're like, I don't know about all that. I don't want to do that. I don't like that. I don't want to. You know. And so even if you're quote, trying or working on it, which is a common phrase, I hear I'm working on it. It's like, okay, usually working on it might mean some sort of this like I'm, I'm in, I'm engaged in sort of circling around, thinking about possibly doing something. Not always, I'm not saying always. Sometimes when people are working on something, they're actively really putting. It's a semantic thing. But I just seen that, that sometimes someone who's in victim mode could say they're working on it and they could be in therapy or they could be doing some approach, they could be trying something, they could have got a course, they could, whatever. And even people that are in my year long mastermind program, you know, again, this is not a good bad thing. Like you gotta be an owner and if you're a victim, you suck. And we're never victims. No, this is a mindset you can shift in and out of repeatedly throughout the day. And for me, myself, I'm reflecting on this. And so just this morning I woke up, my kids are under the weather, they have a sore throat. One of them wanted to get up early and kind of interrupt some of my morning routine. And my initial response was like, no, I need this time for myself. I hate this. This is terrible, right? This kind of thrashy thing. And so I just noticed that and I said, okay. And my first response to him was like, sure. Like, ah, no, I'm busy, I don't want to do that. And Then I was like, okay, what's happening? Well, the circumstances, they're sick. Something's changed. He woke up early. He's not feeling good. Okay, I don't like that. I would like the time to myself, and then I can be with my kids. Well, yeah, yeah, I get that. And what am I going to choose to do? How am I going to choose to show up here? And that doesn't mean that I have no feelings or I'm all happy all the time. It just means I get to choose. I am the captain of my ship. And he wanted me to make him breakfast early before I did the stuff. So I was like, okay, I'll make you some breakfast, and then I'm gonna go do some stretching and lifting in the gym, in my garage, anyway. So I said, okay, I'll make you some food, and then I'll go do that. And I just practice being flexible. That's how I chose and choose how I want to be. And the reason I'm highlighting this is because it's moment to moment to moment. And one of the signals you want to look out for. It's like a warning light on your dashboard is when you're going into blame in your head. And blame can be specific. Like, they did this, and I don't like this thing that they did. Blame can also be kind of a general dissatisfied looking around like, nothing's good, and that's not good. You could be blaming people. You could be blaming just the environment. Like, I don't like. This is so messy here, and that sound is terrible. I don't like to smell, and I don't like the people here. Or it could be blaming, like, why did this person, oh, look at this thing I gotta solve in this work problem. They're always making messes, and I'm cleaning, you know, and if you. If you don't pay attention to this, this can just be like a default way of moving through your day and your life. And you're sort of being affronted by all these incompetent people, all these problems or all these inconveniences that shouldn't be there. And that is the essence. That's the core of the victim mindset, is it shouldn't be this way. I don't know if you saw this movie. It was called Clerks. It was one of. What's his name? Kevin Smith. He made some more famous ones after that. But he's, you know, Jay and Silent Bob were his. Kind of. Some of his creations and his characters. But anyway, in the Movie clerks. There's a guy who works at a convenience store or a little market, I would say, and he's the cashier at the store, the clerk. And he got called in, I think on a Saturday or a Sunday, it was some weekend day, and he wasn't supposed to work, but the other person needed. And they called him in and he went into work and he said yes, which is already an interesting choice, right? Is he a victim or is he owner? Could he say no? I don't know. But anyway, he's there. And maybe like 10 times throughout the movie he says, like, I shouldn't even be here today. Anytime there was a challenge, you know there's a problem. Of course, the day was full of problems. That's kind of the humor of the comedy. But every time he confronts a big problem, he's like, I shouldn't even be here today. And that is the essence, the distillation of the victim mindset. I shouldn't even be here. This shouldn't even be happening to me right now. And. And that could be with something small like there's an issue, your kid's sick or you got some problem at work or something. Your Internet breaks down on a certain day. I got this presentation. This shouldn't even be happening right now. But it could also be huge things in your life. Like, my mom shouldn't have been this way, my dad shouldn't have been this way, My brother shouldn't be that way. And I'm not saying that whatever your mom or your dad or your brother or any other longer thing in your life may, maybe that person is toxic, maybe they do mean things to you, I don't know. But they shouldn't be this way is a clear indication that you are in victim territory. Because you could say, I don't like the way this person is being with me right now. This doesn't feel respectful, the way that they're treating me, or I want to be treated differently than this, or I don't know if I want to subject myself to this kind of behavior. That's a great insight to have. And then, okay, what am I going to do? How am I going to choose? And you can have feelings about it, like, ugh, I don't like that you may feel disgust or anger or push away or repulsion or hurt or something. You can feel all that. This isn't about not feeling. This is about being aware as you are feeling and as you're deciding that I am the captain of my ship, I am the owner of my life. And I'm going to choose how I respond to this. Does that make sense? And so, okay, my dad is this way, my brother is this way, my sister is that way. What am I going to choose? Am I going to choose to spend less time with them? Am I going to choose to say something different when I'm with them? Am I going to choose to. And sometimes it's not even a choice of how you do with them. It's an internal choice. Am I going to choose to let go of some demand that I've been placing on this person for all these years? You get to choose. That's the key takeaway. Now, when we're not aware of that choice, we go into victim land and then we're disempowered as a victim. If you are the victim of circumstance and just this is how it is. If it's raining, I have to feel this way. If I get money, I have to feel that way. If I don't have money, I have to feel this way. And it's just whatever the circumstance is out there because I had this upbringing because this, then therefore, that's it. If that's the setup, then you have no power. And when humans don't have power, they don't like that. And so they try to find other ways to get power. Even if they can't have real power, they'll look for pseudo power. So one is that sense of blame and righteousness that comes from being in the victim stance, right? Like those people over there are so bad. Then who's good? Well, by default, Me. Those people are so wrong. He's so wrong. Then by default, who's right? Me. This is all stacking up in my favor. Everything's turning up the Milhouse, right? So good. I'm good. I'm right. Oh, we humans love being good and right. We're superior, we're smarter, we're more capable, more sensitive, better. I'm a better parent than them, I'm a better boss than them. I'm a better friend than them. Just by blaming them, you're automatically, even if you're not saying that to yourself, that's the effect on your. Your sense of emotions and meeting your needs, of significance, of certainty. And another form of pseudo power we're going to get is the realm of fantasy. So if you're stuck in a situation, you think nothing's going to change and you don't have the power to change it, then your mind starts going to fantasy. It's like a little kid. It's the Kid who their dad isn't there. You know, maybe their dad left when they were young and they ache, they hurt. And it's a five year old and he sees other kids and he sees their dad picking them up at school or at the, you know, soccer game or whatever it is. And he looks around, he's like, ah. What does he do? Well, he, he just might. When he's alone, he's outside playing by himself, he imagines he's playing with his dad. Imagine his dad is building something with him or he's trying to put some pieces of wood together and imagine his dad is there with him. Right. Not uncommon. If you talk to people who have a parent that's absent when they're young and it doesn't have to be complete, not gone, you know, the parents not even there at all. But maybe the parent works all the time or something. The kid might have fantasies about that and is that bad or wrong? No, it's natur because he wants to be with his dad and he doesn't have the power to make his dad do something different. And when you see yourself in the victim stance, it's the same thing. So you might have a fantasy, often unconscious of something or someone saving you. And if I just read this next book, if I just watch this next video, if I just sign up for this thing, it's gonna save me. Now obviously I write books on confidence and I run a year long group training program that I think is profoundly life changing for people. But I'm very clear with people up front, this is not going to save you. This podcast is not going to save you. This video is not going to save you. Nothing's going to save you. I don't have any magic dust that I'm going to blow upon ye to give you the strength and courage and confidence that you seek. No, but I can be real with you and teach you the process by which you can build your own courage. And I believe that's the only thing that, that we can do for other people is to offer, suggest, guide, see if they're willing. But the choice, the choice is 100% each individual. That's the total ownership perspective. And so when you are waiting for someone to save you, even if you're moving towards learning or some environment that might help you, there's this passivity to it. And so my goal in recording this and having this focus for this podcast is for you to see, okay, where am I waiting for something? Maybe you're waiting for the season to change. Maybe you're waiting for this challenging period to be over. Maybe you're waiting to be in a relationship. Maybe you're waiting to be out of your relationship. Maybe you're waiting to get that next job or you earn more money, or you're waiting till this thing is done. Like, what? So there's that waiting. And when it comes to your assertiveness, your confidence, you're being less nice and more bold, and you're taking the actions that you want to go after the life that you want. What are you waiting for? And often when I ask people this really clearly and we really look, not just, I don't want an answer like, oh, I'm going to tell you something. No, I want you to really. The purpose of this question is for you to look at your life. Not to just come up with an answer, but to really examine that question, live that question, be in that question for a good three or four days. What am I really waiting for? And what you might find is all kinds of crazy fantasies. Don't make them wrong. Don't make them bad. That's just what we do when we're feeling disempowered. And the solution is not to criticize yourself or attack yourself. The solution is to reclaim your power. And it is as fast as a flick of the switch. Because, yeah, maybe it's going to take some time to make a significant change in your career, relationships, or your assertiveness or something like, that's effort over time. That's a process. But the moment of taking ownership happens in an instant. You say, wait a minute, I've been a victim here. Okay? That's it. I'm responsible. And that's a powerful phrase. As an owner of your life, just remind yourself, I'm responsible. I'm responsible for the outcomes in my life. I'm responsible for how I choose to respond to things. If this is a challenge, if I don't like this, what am I going to do here? And the doubt in your mind will attempt to keep you in the victim mindset. And it'll say, you can't change this. Look at how long it's been. Look at what I mean, look at the things you've tried. Of course, maybe you tried a lot of them from a victim mindset, which case, they're not gonna work anyway. But that doesn't matter. The doubt will just use that as evidence and say, look, you can't change this. And just know that if you're willing to take total ownership, part of that is being the captain of your ship. And the captain of your ship doesn't just steer the direction right? The captain doesn't just say, hey, we're going to that island. The captain also says, what the hell's going on on this boat? Because in order to get to the island, we got to work with all these different characters on this boat, right? All the different sailors. And so if there's one there, that's the doubt monster. It's saying, we're never gonna make it. Kraken. Kraken be out there. We're never gonna make it. And you are, as the captain, saying, you know what? Let's put this guy in charge, put him up high and let him inspire the crew with his tales of failure, death, ruin Kraken. Right? Well, that too, my friend, is your responsibility. And I'm not saying that you should somehow smother that doubt and never have a doubtful thought again. No, what I'm saying is, how do you choose to respond to that voice of doubt? Just like you would choose to respond to an external event, how do you respond to the internal events, Your thoughts, your doubts, your feelings? Okay, I'm hurting right now. I'm angry right now. I woke up anxious right now, and I don't even know why. I woke up with malaise and dissatisfaction and kind of a down feeling, and I don't know why. Okay, that's okay. As the captain, what are you going to choose to do? How are you going to work with that part? How are you going to work with that feeling? What actions are you going to take? Is that going to stop you from doing what you wanted to do that day? You say, I don't feel good, so I'm going to just pull the covers up and not get out. I'm not going to exercise. I'm not going to go to work. I'm not going to be there for my family. I'm not going to meet up with my friend. Well, that's a choice. Choice. Or you can choose to say, you know what? If doubts there, I move forward. If there's uncomfortable feelings, I'll give space and give some attention to be reflective. And I'm still going to do what I want to do based upon the values of life that I want to create. That right there. Those are the statements of an owner. And so, before we conclude this episode, let's take a moment to look at how you can put being the owner of your life into practice with this action step. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is going to be to be fully honest with yourself and Call yourself out in at least one place where you are playing more of a victim role in your life right now. Could be something big. Maybe it's in your dating life, like, oh, I wish I could date, but so hard online and all the men are like this and all the women are like this and blah blah, blah. You have some stories there. Maybe it's in your relationship, like, oh, my partner never does this and I want them to, right? So maybe it's something in your love life. Maybe it's at work, maybe it's with your health. Oh, I can't get in shape because I got that thing on my toe and I can't do nothing right. Where is that? Because I know it's convincing, but you gotta call it out. And when you call it out, you say, hey, that's me being in victim mode. Victim mindset. It starts to dispel the hypnotic power that that has over you. So call that out. And of course, if you wanted to get into massive action as a result, then more power to you. Thanks for being with me today. If you want to go further, if you want to learn about how you can make massive changes in your confidence in your life, Definitely go to draziz.com,-r-a z I z.com We've got a blog on there. You can find out more about my books on there. You can also check out the testimonials of all the people that are getting radical transformations in their life. And when you're ready, if you want to take the next step and join me for a virtual event, check out the events tab. Or of course want to go deep? Go into the year long Mastermind program. You can apply for the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind on my site draziz.com and I would love to talk with you about it, get to know you and hear about your journey so far and see what we can do to radically accelerate that. And almost 90%, I'd say of the people in the Mastermind started their journey with me with either listening to this podcast or listening watching my YouTube channel or both. So, you know, perhaps you are getting to know me and getting a sense of if something more is possible here. And I would love to explore that with you when the time is right@draziz.com youm can find out more about that program as well. So thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.
