NOT NICE: How To Speak Up For Yourself

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is the day. Yes, finally. Maybe you already have a copy of the book in your hands. Well, digitally, because you can download the Kindle. It came on sale today, so if you ordered a paperback version, probably gets you in a couple of days. I recommend that as well. I love to be able to hold the actual book in my hands and I would invite you and request that you go out and get yourself a copy today. One is 99 cents. And this book is seriously life changing. It's the best thing I've ever written. It's my opus to date, so I know it will serve you. If you've been at all interested in this podcast and being more confident in anything you've ever heard from me, this book is gonna be good. It's really gonna help you. So there's a benefit for you there. Secondly, I'm encouraging everyone I know to get it because Amazon has some interesting algorithms where if a lot of people buy it on the day that a book opens, then it helps it be found by more people. Which is my goal, is to reach more people, is to reach people that haven't heard of me yet who are struggling with the exact same stuff that I was and to help them. That's my mission. So you would help me further my mission, which would feel really good for me. So it would be a win win. So thank you in advance for doing that. And to sweeten the deal, if you get yourself a copy, you have two weeks from today. So by the 15th of November, if you email me a picture or a screenshot or something of a review that you left, then you're entered into a drawing. So you go leave a review, let us know that you did, and you're entered into a drawing, and then we're giving away all kinds of cool prizes. I'm just going to pull it randomly from the people that left reviews. So if you think about it. Your odds are pretty good, right? Because what are the odds that someone's going to write the review? A lot of people drop off and we're giving away full copies of my program. Some of them range up to $1,000, as well as a ticket to supreme or Confident Conversation Master. It's my event in the spring and Those tickets are 1997, almost $2,000. So that's a pretty cool score. Worth it for the review. And of course, you'd be helping me as well, which I would much appreciate and thank you for those of you who do that. And this book is awesome. We're going to dive more into it right now. By the way, all the details of this you get if you're on my email list. If you're not, why not? It's great. All kinds of cool giveaways like this. So you can go to socialconfidencecenter.com or shrinkforthshyguy.com both places you can get on my email list there. So today though, in honor of the book coming out, we're doing another episode all about not nice, the same theme, and we're going to be talking about how to speak up. It's the third pillar of anti nice how to speak up for yourself. This is going to be huge. The More when you can start to do this in your life is when your life really opens up. And a lot of the book is like leading more and more towards this ability to be able to help you. This is sort of like the outward manifestation of this kind of confidence is to be able to be assertive and say what you want and ask for what you want and speak up for yourself. So we're dive into that in depth today. Get ready to learn, maybe even take some notes. This is going to powerfully serve you. So first things first. Do you speak up for yourself at work, socially, in your relationships? Can you have difficult conversations with people? Can you say what needs to be said? Can you directly and boldly ask for what you want at work, in your friendships, in your romantic relationships, with your spouse, with your partner? There's notice. Is that yes? No. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe just see where you're at. And what I've often found is when we're really nice, the answer to a lot of those is no, not as much as I would like. I hold it, I hold back, I stuff it. I don't ask. I feel upset, I feel afraid, I feel resentful. And in fact, that's what I get into in that chapter. The first Thing is like, well, why don't we. Let's look at the top reasons. So I guess the question is, if you don't as much as you would like, why not? Why aren't you speaking up for yourself? What's getting in the way? In fact, I from, you know, from my own experience and also working with this, with, I mean, hundreds of people at this point, with the events and the groups and everything like that, and really getting inside of people's psychology, like, what's getting in the way? These are the top 10 reasons that I found that we don't speak up. You ready? And this is from the. There's a chart in the book about this. First is, I don't want to offend people or hurt their feelings. Number two, I don't want to feel guilty afterwards. Number three, I don't want people to think that I'm rude or mean or arrogant, pushy or an asshole. Number four, I don't want people to say yes because I made them. Number five reason. Top five reason. Number five of the top ten reasons why we don't speak up for yourself. I don't want people to get angry and retaliate directly in the moment or later on. Number six, I don't want to make things worse. Number seven, I don't want to get flustered, show strong emotion, start crying or show that they got to me in any way. Number eight, I don't want people to see me as needy, demanding or high maintenance. Number nine, I don't want people to judge me for how I'm feeling, what I think or what I want. Number 10, I don't want to do it wrong, lose my train of thought, look stupid or lose others. Respect you resonate with some of those. I probably was afraid of all of those things at some point. Maybe some of them for you, maybe one or two stand out. So what's getting in the way? What's stopping you? Because when we can see what's really stopping us, it helps us start to break free. That's really what we're here to do today. And of course in the book as well. And so we have all these fears, right? And you've maybe identified some more. Now you're learning. Give me some insight about what's stopping you. And then the result is we have a mode or a style of communication. And there are really only three major categories. Three modes of communication that I call them in the book. And you might have even heard of these before. This isn't like a new idea from me. I'm just bringing it all together. So if we're afraid of speaking up and that fear controls us, we won't speak up. So guess what we will do? We'll pick the first mode of communication, which is passive. Be passive, stuff it, hold it, silent, hesitate, just don't say anything. That's the passive mode of communication. We all know that one. That's like the. You smile and you nod, or you just look down, or you just don't say anything at all. You don't ask for what you want. You don't speak up. You're passive. Life is happening to you. Others are doing the things and you're just sort of there, passenger, agreeable, going along with it, right? You might live there. I know I did for many years. And it might. Maybe in one area you're not passive. But we're looking at the areas that you want to grow, the areas that you struggle in, right? And if there's an area where you are not passive, then you can learn from that. You can apply that to the area where you're feeling stuck. So passive is where we go if we're afraid to speak up. Now, another direction that people can go is the other side of the spectrum, which is aggressive and passive. People are afraid of speaking up because they're like, I don't want to be some aggressive asshole. And that's where usually someone who's passive for long enough blows up. You ever done that? Or you just, fine, you want to know what I think? Bleh. And that comes out that way. Or you just have people that tend to be quick to be aggressive to try to get their way, dominate the situation. They talk over other people. They're loud, they don't listen, they flip things around on people and they just kind of steamroll and take control of the situation in an negative way that kind of leaves a wake of damage behind them. But they don't care because fuck it, I got mine, right? That's sort of the aggressive mode. Now in the passive mode, it's sort of like what you say matters more, what you think and feel matters more than me. That's sort of the underlying assumption or psychology. With the aggressive mode, it's flipped. It's like, screw whatever you think. It's about me now, okay? And maybe we feel justified in that because we were passive for so long or something. But at the end of the day, doesn't matter what our reasons are. When we're in aggressive mode, it's like I'm focused on me and I don't Care what you think or feel. Now that can feel empowering, that can feel good temporarily, but it usually is not the best for long term relationships. The third, right in the middle, which is the sweet spot, would be called assertiveness. This is like the middle way. And the psychology behind assertiveness is okay, what you think and feel matters and what I think and feel matters and what I think and feel matters matters a lot to me. So it's worth advocating for and I'm going to do that. But I also want to find out what's going on for you and see if we can come to some sort of decision or compromise or conclusion here. Decision on what to do next. So there's a valuing of both you and of them. Now we're going to take a quick break and when we get back, I want to share the five relationship truths that are going to help you start to actually do this. Not just keep it theoretical, but apply it in your life today. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Hey, welcome back. So probably listening. Maybe you identify that you might be more passive than you would like to be. Maybe, maybe sometimes you get aggressive, maybe sometimes you are assertive, but you're wondering, okay, how do I get more assertive? And one key thing you must do in order to be able to do that is what I call in the book. Upgrade your map of relationships. Upgrade your map of relationships. All of us in our head have a map that was loaded up and just think of it like a city map. There's a map of your city in your head. Now, if you've relied on your phone's GPS for too many years, then your internal map has atrophied and you have to like check your GPS just to get to the other side of town or go to the supermarket, in which case, I'm sorry, you're screwed. But you know, if you've lived in a place for a long time, you start to get familiar with it. You don't need a map to get around, you just have an internal mental map of that city, right? And we also have an internal mental map of relationships. And just like your city, you're like, if I turn left here, I'm going to end up at the store. If I turn right here, I'm going to end up at the park. In our mind we have in our mental map, our relationship map, we say if I turn left here, as in, if I speak up here, I'm going to end up getting slapped. Maybe you learned that growing up. Or if I'm silent here, I'll end up getting love. Or if I don't share this, then I'll keep this person's attention, right? So we have a mental map of how it goes. And usually our map is really faulty and doesn't actually lead to a deep loving connection. It might lead to, I mean, I know for me, you know, I sort of had the pleasing. I'm going to please people and it's going to get me love. And it didn't get me love. It got me not that many second dates with women because they could tell that I was there to please them. And I thought I was being just really friendly and I was, but there was no me there. I was kind of like, eh, Mr. Agreeable Guy. And they didn't hate me, but they weren't that attracted. It was kind of like, oh yeah, he's nice, they want to go on another date with him. I don't know, I'd rather, rather do something else. So there wasn't much of me there to hook the other person. And another way that you know, so your map might be stopping you from getting what you actually want. And so it's leading you in the wrong directions. Another map, you know, error that you might have is if I ask for what I want, the other person's going to be angry at me. Now, you know, that's a, that's a very limiting. If you avoid that turning down that street and you never ask for what you want in a relationship, that's going to be really limiting, severely limiting on your capacity to get really close to someone, have a lasting, thriving relationship with them, feel deep love. So a lot of people end up for either not being in relationships or there's like this kind of pseudo love. Like you're not really deeply in love, but you're kind of there together and you got some companionship, but you don't really deeply talk about what authentically is going on for you. And you're just, you know, kind of companions, but you kind of still feel alone. You know, that's what I'm. If you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So we want to talk about upgrading your map. And here are five relationship truths that can help you upgrade your map. Number one, people aren't fragile. They are not. Your mind might be telling you that they're fragile. So if you speak up, they're going to shatter like glass. It's not. They can handle a lot. In fact, people want the truth they crave. I'm getting ahead of myself now. That's a different relationship truth. But for now, people are not fragile. They can handle whatever you're gonna say. Secondly, this one's big upset is temporary. Upset is temporary. Now, we can be so scared to be assertive or ask what we want or speak up. Cause we imagine someone might get upset and that might be just the end of the story. I know it was for me. Do you want to share this? You want to ask for that? Be like, no, they could get upset. And yeah, they might. But upset is temporary. It's not permanent. Now, some of you might have had a situation, something that taught you about relationships, where you saw that it was. Maybe your dad always held a grudge and so someone did something wrong to him, he iced him out. Shit, maybe your parents did that to you. Now, if that's the case, just because that was loaded in, it doesn't mean you want to upgrade your map. Because that's going to be a problematic map to try to live from, right? So we want to upgrade our map and say, you know what? Upset is temporary. In any emotionally healthy person, emotionally mature person, upset is temporary. And we work through it. And so you could say something to someone, they could be like, what do you mean? That doesn't mean you flee out of the room. It means you say, well, here's what I'm saying. Seems like you're upset with what I'm saying and you just keep in it. You can keep talking it through. So number two, upset is temporary. Number three, truth is not bad. The truth is not bad. So many of us have learned that the truth is bad. So I'm gonna say what I think or ask what I want or be more direct and person. Someone got upset and we're like, ah, shit, I shouldn't have said that. Shouldn't have done that. I should have just kept it stuffed down because they got upset. And we forget that it was just temporary. But then we start to learn and have this story, this idea that to be honest is bad, the truth is bad. And you Know what? That might give you that pseudo love and connection, but it's not going to give you that real deep love and connection with your friends, your family, your loved ones, your partner. Family is an interesting one. You may see how far you want to take it. But for me, in my book, when it comes to those that I really want the deepest relationships with in my life, I'm gonna be totally, fully honest with them. It's part of being boldly authentic. Number three, four. Others aren't victims. There's another relationship truth. Others are not victims, even if they see themselves as that way. So sometimes this comes up a lot. It's like, well, I can't say what I think or speak up for myself in this relationship because the other person's gonna get so crushed. It's kind of like the fragile thing, but it goes one step further where it's almost like you're responsible for their happiness and their well being. So not only they might get upset or they're fragile, but it's like you're supposed to like fix them and take care of them and make sure that doesn't happen and make sure that they get the life that they want and whatever. You're like totally responsible for another person and that's seeing them as a victim. And the truth is they're not. They're not any person in your life that you're afraid of crumpling or destroying. They're not a victim and they're the owner of their life. They're powerful beyond what they even realize. So we want to start treating people that way, giving them the respect to treat them that way. And then the last one, relationship truth. Speaking up in itself is good. Just the act of speaking up is good. It's healthy. Even if you don't get what you want, even if it leads to some conflict, it's vibrant, it's alive. And you start to work through stuff. And what you often find. I found this. I would leave situations and I'd just be just a big ball of anxiety and resentment and irritation and ruminating and doubt. And the reason was because I didn't speak up in that situation. And all these reasons why, all those 10 fears I listed earlier, why I shouldn't, but then I should have, is what I tell myself. And why am I such a wimp and why am I not this way and I should be that way. But then I'm afraid of this and I would just go back and forth and back and forth. And then I started to realize speaking up in itself is Just good. So even if you speak up and the other person disagrees with you or says no, or you don't get what you want, you feel way more at peace afterwards. You might not even ruminate about it or think about it at all. Just let it completely go because the energy has been dispersed like you have been known. And that's what you're really going to find as you dive into this chapter. Speaking up. It's not about always getting what you want. It's about just being seen for who you are. And when you share what you think and what you want and what you experience and what you believe, what you feel, then you start to be known by others. That's another key distinction I talk about in this book is, and this is kind of going back to something around people pleasing. But I'm going to throw it in because it's relevant here that instead of your intention in life to be liked by other people, what if your intention was to be known? You see how that's different? So if I want you to like me, I'm not gonna say this. I'm gonna hold off there. I'm gonna keep that hidden so you like all the things that you see. The other way to approach people in life is to say, you know, my intention is not to get everyone to like me. It's just to be known. Just to be known for who I am. What could that open up in your life? What could be different if you started to do that? Interesting, huh? We're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We're gonna talk about the four key areas to start speaking up in now. We'll be right back right after this.

Dr. Aziz's book, the Solution to Social Anxiety continues to get great reviews from readers from all over the world. Here is a Recent review from Amazon.com the title is true. This book contains the solution. Thank you Dr. Aziz. This is an amazing book. The first part explains in great detail about the causes of social anxiety. Then the second half explains how to shift your story and make a shift. It offers great advice. I am truly thankful I bought this book. I've been stuck in anxious thinking, feeling and behaving for most of my life and I didn't think I could ever get better. I've read so many books on this subject. I've tried and failed so many times. Dr. Aziz is so cool and easy going and has a great teaching style. I'm just starting the journey out of this with the advice in this book. I can overcome my past patterns. I'M going to live a loving and self compassionate life and give to the world and my family the real me. Thanks again DoctorAziz. Buy this book, you won't be disappointed. To get your copy today go to socialanxietysolution.com hey, welcome back.

Just wanted to remind you here as we're getting close to the end of this episode to get yourself a copy of the book if you haven't, to find out how and where to do it. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. If you go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com we have a link there. You can also go to notnicebook.com not nice book.com and you'll be able to click on a link there to get yourself a copy as well as my website SocialConfidenceCenter.com SocialConfidenceCenter.com will have a link on the main page. And of course you always just go to Amazon, probably type in Dr. Z's and it should come up there. So lots of ways to find it. And that would be awesome if you get yourself a copy today. It would help me reach more people because we get a bunch of people to buy it on the first day that it's out, which Amazon sure likes. So let's talk more about what's in it and what you can get benefit from reading in there. So we've been talking about speaking up specifically, let's talk about the key areas to speak up in. And I go in depth in each of these, in the sections in this book, like really in depth. I was writing this book and I kept on wanting to pare it down because you know, so many authors these days are saying, look, people want short books, short books, short books. And I was like, I don't want to write a short book. I want to write a book that's going to be a tool of liberation. So if you want a short book that's just like, do this done, this isn't the book for you. If you want a book that's like, here's exactly why you're doing this, here's the psychology behind it, here's the patterns, here's how to break free, here's the mindset, here's the specific steps, here's what you can say. I mean it's extremely in depth. And that's just because that's what I would do with a client to really help them break free. I couldn't just tell a client, yeah, just, you know, try this Technique. See ya. Like, we really have to get in there and change all our psychology and help them shift everything. So I wanted to produce that same result through reading the book and of course the exercises and actions within. So I'm so excited for you to get your hands on this. And let's dive in. So there's the four key areas of speaking up. One is sharing freely socially. And you can just give yourself a little assessment here. Where are you strongest, where are you weakest? Sharing freely socially. Maybe another way of saying that is where do you feel the most liberated and where do you feel more inhibited? So sharing freely socially includes speaking your mind, sharing about yourself and your life, asking what you're really curious about, speaking up in groups, and generally feeling empowered to throw in your $0.02 in any social situation, doesn't matter how attractive they are or how cool they are, you can just share you with those people. Second one, this one's huge, is speaking up at work. This includes speaking up in settings like meetings with colleagues and peers, potential clients and customers, or with people that are higher ups, supervisors, bosses, executive members, that sort of thing. And to be able to clearly and directly ask key questions and share your ideas so you can add value and make an impact in these settings. It's the second key area of speaking up. The third is objections, disagreements, and other difficult conversations. And this can be in business settings or personal. And it involves noticing when you don't like something or you're upset, and being able to clearly and directly communicate this with the right people that you need to communicate it with. Not like talking behind their back, but actually directing to the situation to where it needs to be talked about. And it's also dealing with other people that are upset with you. So just dealing with all that stuff instead of running from it. Conflict, challenging conversations, all that. And then the fourth key area is being able to ask for what you want. This involves approaching others and directly and skillfully making requests for what you want without shame or guilt. This can be in a work or business setting with family and friends, or with your spouse or romantic partner. So I mean, there's so much here. That's why you gotta get the book. Because I mean, in each of these scenarios. So notice for yourself right now, where is it? Where are you best? Where do you feel the most inhibited? Where are you the most free? And for each of these, I go in depth and break down exactly why you hold back there. If you are holding back and, and then how to do it in the work setting. I give Examples like, well, here's what you do in meetings, here's what you do when someone's interrupting you in a meeting. Here's what you do when you're dealing with those intimidating higher up figures. And the next one about difficult conversations, man. We go in depth into how to get more familiar or comfortable in the landscape of disagreement or conflict. Help you build up your tolerance to disagree with other people. And I give you a seven step plan of like, here's exactly what you can do. Now you might not need that always, but it's really helpful. I know it would have been for me many years ago because I'd be like, I don't know what to do. How do I do this in like a good. I'm so scared. So having a system that you can follow helps you say, okay, I'm going to say this, I'm going to do that. And it's not that complex, it's seven steps. But I really make it real specific so you know exactly. You're on the right track. So there's so much there. I am excited for you to get yourself a copy of the book and to, you know, let me know, share and send me an email at draziz D R a z I zocialconfidencecenter.com Obviously you can leave a review on Amazon. That would be awesome too. Just let me know how the book is impacting you, what you're learning, how you're growing. And that's really what I want, is to know what's changing in your life as you apply this stuff. So this is super exciting. But before we go for today, I want to share your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today, other than getting yourself a copy of the book now, is to speak up for yourself. Simple as that. Somewhere, somehow, some way, you know where. And it doesn't have to be the hardest or most scariest place. Start small, start easy. Start with the just a step outside your comfort zone. You don't have to leap across the chasm just one small step. But speak up for yourself in the book. There's a whole chapter I couldn't even get into in these podcasts called Discomfort Tolerance. And I really do because the part three of the book is like, these are all great ideas. Let's really go further into how to make sure you make this change in your life, not just have some new ideas. And in there is like discomfort tolerance. We have to learn how to be able to tolerate the discomfort of some of these things at first while we're learning them. So speak up, even if it's a little uncomfortable or a lot uncomfortable. Find that sweet spot that's just outside the edge of your comfort zone. Take that action. You are awesome. And thank you so much for being on this journey with me with this book and this whole thing, however many podcasts you've been listening to. I just want to acknowledge and honor you for who you are and how you're dedicated to your own growth. You're like a brother or a sister on the path, because that's what I'm doing here is my own growth. And it's communal, like, I'm growing, you're growing, we're all growing. And thank you for listening. And I just know that if you stick with this, if you're willing to do the inner work and take little actions outside of your comfort zone, bit by bit, that anything you want to experience and achieve is possible. And I'm saying that having been stuck myself for so many years in social anxiety and then so many years in Nice Guy Cage, that no matter where you are or how long you've been in it, you can break free. And in the final, final, final, final chapter, it's like a epilogue chapter of the book, I guess. I don't know if it'd be technically an epilogue, but it's even past all the trainings and everything. It's called Not Nice in Action. And it's. I think it's about 10 or 11, maybe a dozen short, really short stories, little vignettes from my life as I was writing the book over the course of a year, of me in different situations. Now, some of them are, like, real bold. Like, you might read it and be like, whoa, shit, this guy's not nice. And some of them are me, like, tripping up and then being a nice guy and being like, shit, I'm writing the book on this. So, you know, we're on the same path. We're all growing. And I want to honor you for the growth that you're making now and encourage you by saying, look, it gets so much better. My life is so much better now, the more free I am to express myself. I mean, all my physical symptoms of pain and stomach pain from all that stuffing are gone. I have an incredible relationship with my wife where we're assertive and honest, and you can experience a depth of love from breaking free. So I want to encourage you that on the other side of this discomfort is an extraordinary life. So I cannot wait to support you on that journey with this book. And in any other way that I can. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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