NOT NICE: The High Cost Of Nice

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be continuing to talk about being less nice and you being free of this pressure or demand inside to be more nice, more accommodating, more giving more what everyone else wants and pushing down your own desires, your own needs, your own wants, and making those second, third, fourth or even fifth priority and then experiencing the consequences. You know, in the last episode we, we talked about what nice really is. And in this episode we're going to be talking about the cost of living as an overly nice person. And I can speak for this one firsthand because I did this for so many years. And then we're going to be getting into the five pillars about how to break free and become. What are the steps? What do we need to do to become fully free of this? And then in the last one of the series, we're going to be talking specifically about speaking up for yourself, which is one of the pillars. But we're gonna go real deep into that just cause it's such an important topic for so many people. And this is all part of a buildup to the release of the book. Not nice. Stop people pleasing, staying silent and feeling guilty. Start speaking up, saying no, asking boldly and unapologetically being yourself. That book will be releasing on November 1, 2017. I'll get some more info as it gets closer to in a couple weeks now from the release date about how you can get your copy. We'll be doing a pretty cool promo where you can get your copy on that day, the release day for 24 hours where you can get it for just 99 cents under a buck on the Kindle version, which is an incredible deal because that book is huge and really does contain the path to liberation about how to be less nice and more you. So if you want more freedom in your relationships, more confidence in your relationships, less guilt, less fear, less everything, because in fact, that's what we're getting into. To finish that sentence, I get all fired up talking about this. If you want all that, then that book is for you. But the reason that we want all that stuff is because what we're going to talk about in this episode, which is the cost of being nice, because we might, you know, when you start reading the book and you start to say, oh, maybe, you know, maybe it's not helpful to be approval seeking. Maybe it doesn't get me what I want in my relationships and in my life. Maybe I'm afraid a lot of the time. Maybe feeling overly guilty doesn't really actually improve my relationships. Maybe being afraid of conflict and direct conversations doesn't help me at work. It's actually holding me back. So you might see some of the, oh, maybe this isn't helping me get the life that I want. But I probably should be this way because this is what makes me a good person. I talk a lot about that in the book, about this idea that we have, like, this is how you need to be to be a good person. And it's like this really intense feeling that can arise when we do something that's not nice. And it's against our nice training from when we were kids. We get this terrible sense of shit, I'm so bad, I'm bad. And that's kind of what we help you work through. And I guide you step by step in the pillars of not nice, about how to really break free, because we have to let go of that. It's not being a good person. And you're really going to see that in this episode because we're going to talk about what nice is really costing you, what nice is really doing to you. And when you see that, it starts to make letting it go a lot easier because it's no longer about being a good person, it's about doing something that's actually harming you. And you're going to find out how. In the book, I have the section called the Five Specters of Nice. And specters are like ghosts or things that kind of haunt you, and they come from being overly nice. And I'm going to share those with you in today's episode to help you really get a sense of what nice is costing you. So the first one, fairly straightforward, fairly obvious, which is anxiety. So the nicer we are, if we try to be a really nice person, you're going to end up feeling a lot of anxiety in your life. So that comes from what we were talking about in the last episode. Which is, you know, people pleasing. You are worried about others being upset with you. And you also feel bad a lot of the time. You feel guilty about not living up to your rules or you're hurting others and the concerns about that. And then you're also afraid of anger and conflict. And this creates a lot of anxiety. You're worried that others aren't going to like you. You're worried about being a bad person. You're worried about losing relationships because of this and about getting upset yourself or other people getting upset with you. So as a result, life is full of fear. Does that seem to be resonating with you? That was my experience when I was really struggling with being a nice guy. I might have looked nice and calm on the exterior, but I spent a lot of time in fear and anxiety, worried about what others would think, worried about if I was going to upset someone, afraid of hurting other people's feelings, just on and on and on. And I'd be taking too much responsibility for other people's experiences and thought that I was a bad person. How could I have done that to them? Even on minor sort of transgressions. So that's a big one, is we end up living in fear a lot more than we really need to because as you'll see when we're too nice, we're stripping our own power. And this is getting ahead of myself because I'm gonna be talking about this in the five Pillars of Anti Nice in the next episode. But one of those pillars is to own your shadow. So the shadow is that side of you that's not the perfect, pretty side that you wanna show everyone, but. But it's a piece of you. And it's all the stuff that we think is bad and wrong, like getting angry or your sexual desires or saying no or being more selfish. Now we have those urges inside of us, but as a nice person, we just stuff them all down. And so in the Owning youg Shadow section, we talk about, well, how do we access this? How do we not make it bad and stuff it down and actually use those forces? And. And what you find is when you let yourself actually be upset or be angry, for example, and feel the feelings, not only can you find a way to use it productively, but you can become a lot more powerful. You feel a lot more powerful. You feel a lot less scared of other people because you're not so worried anymore. You have this sense of power inside of you that comes from that. So we don't have that when we're being Too nice. We've been stripped away of all of our power. We're approaching life in a sort of subservient, bottom of the pack hierarchy kind of way. And as a result, we feel anxious, we feel timid, we feel nervous. The second specter of nice. Well, actually, let's take a quick break and then we get back. I'm going to share the second specter of Nice. So stay tuned and we'll share more right after this. Does working with Dr. Aziz actually work? Can you really break free from social anxiety and live a life of confidence, success and happiness? Here is what one client had to say about his People are a lot.

More open to me now. Since I've been working with Dr. Aziz, I feel much more confident talking to people because I have the skills to talk to people, and even people that I don't know, I can talk to. Now there are people at my pool hall where I go to for pool league. I've been there every weekend for a couple of years now, and half of them I didn't know because I didn't have the social skills. And now I'm talking two, three hours a night every time I go to pool league with them. And when I'm in the bar, when I'm in a coffee shop, I can start conversations with random strangers and it's really improved my quality of life. So I think Dr. Aziz is an investment in yourself and he can teach you a lot of things on how to develop some good skills and improve your life.

To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching hey, welcome back. So let's talk about other ways that nice being too nice is how it's costing you, how it's affecting you negatively in your life. And the purpose of this is when we really see it, it becomes much easier to let it go and. And decide to be different, decide to be more bold, more honest, more expressive, more able to be direct and have a direct conversation. Say no, disagree, put yourself first sometimes and really start to create the life that you actually want for yourself. Sometimes just seeing that something is not healthy helps us let it go. So the second specter of nice, another cost of nice, is resentment and rage. Resentment and rage. And here's how. So I talk about this in the book. I call it the resentment formula. But when you feel like you have to do something, but you don't want to do it, but you have to do it and you don't have any say in the matter that's like a breeding ground. That's a formula for resentment. Resentment is just another word for anger, right? And it's usually anger that's not spoken. Not spoken to directly. And it's something that we hold onto for a long time. So when we're nice, we tend to put other people first. We tend to say yes when we want to say no. We tend to hold back and not say what we really think. Now, all of those things might keep the peace on the outside, but they start to build up opposite of peace inside of you. They start to build up resentment, pressure, irritation and resentment. Because. So that person's like, hey, can you get me this? Can you stay here and do this extra work for me? And inside you're like, I don't want to. But then you're like, well, if I say no, they're gonna get upset at me. And then maybe they're gonna let me go at the next round of layoffs, or maybe they'll just be upset with me and make my life more difficult. Or maybe I'm a bad person if I say no. So we say, okay, I'll stay late and I'll work more. That's on the outside. But on the inside, there's a part of you that's like, I don't want to do this. And sometimes we're aware of that, but we keep it hidden because we fear that if we were to say that, we would get fired or that person would break up with us or not want to be our friend. That's called suppression. That's where you have a feeling, but you're like, well, I don't want to share that. That's not pretty. So you push it down, you hide it. That's suppression. There's also something called repression, which is. It's more unconscious. You don't even know you're doing it. So you're just like, hey. The guy's like, can you stay late and work on this? And you're like, okay, fine. And maybe you feel a little resigned or a little disappointed, but you don't feel angry about it. And what's happening is. It just. It doesn't even come into your awareness. It just gets pushed down so fast. That's how I was for many years, because I was such a nice guy. And a nice person doesn't feel resentment. They don't feel angry. They don't feel upset about those things. They see through it. They let it go. That's just how it is. And we find a way to sort of rationalize it. What gets really interesting is resentment starts to build up and builds and builds and builds. And then it starts to. When you get enough anger, the word that we use for that is rage. That just means, like a huge reservoir, a slush fund of anger inside there. Just day after day, month after month, year after year of pushing it down and being nice and putting a smile on, and it starts to build and build and build and build. And then we're terrified of it, though, because it's like, well, I can't express that. That's dangerous and bad for all my relationships, and I shouldn't even feel it because that makes me a bad person. So we start to pool it all up inside of us, and that has a toxic, corrosive effect on all our relationships. For me, it limited the amount of time I could be in a romantic relationship because what would happen is, you know, I would express. No, I would just be totally accommodating. Everything you want, hang out whenever you want. No boundaries, no no's, no saying what I wanted with any direct clarity if it ever conflicted or disagreed or was not what the other person wanted. And I could sustain that for a couple of months, but every time there'd be a moment of irritation or annoyance or something conflicting, I would just push it down and build the resentment. And then after about two months, I just break up with them. I gotta go. And it was because I couldn't show any of that. And I had this terrible fear that if I expressed anything that it would be all over. Better to end it on my own terms rather than them. So it really limits your capacity for relationships. Or if you're in a, you know, you're a committed relationship, that kind of resentment can just create distance. It can create irritability, sharp kind of harsh communication with each other, but it could also just create, like, distance. Like, hey, what's up? Hey. You know, no touching, just walking from one room to the other. You know, they come into the house and you greet them and they're like, hey, what's up? You know, it's like you're greeting a roommate that you don't like that much instead of your lover or your partner. That's what resentment can do. The next specter, though, and this leads to the next one. And this one is absolutely fascinating. It's mind blowing. And it's been affecting me for so many years of my life, and I didn't even know it for most of those years. And it is. It actually leads to physical problems. Being too nice leads to Physical problems. What? How is that possible? Well, our emotions affect our body. That's pretty well established. And changes in your emotion can produce immediate effects in your body. Here's an example. Have you ever been really nervous about a meeting or a job interview and felt tight in your stomach? Here's another one. Have you ever felt embarrassed and your face turned red? Right. So your emotion of that situation immediately affects your physiology. It affects your body. So what's really interesting is that people that are overly nice starts to develop conditions. And I had, man, almost all of these. One of them is stomach problems. A lot of problems with digestion, absorption of food, pain and inflammation in the intestines that can lead to stuff like irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's and other names, colitis. They have different names for it, but it basically means, like, pain in your stomach, loose stools. I mean, I know we're getting graphic here, but it has a strong effect on our bodies. But we don't attribute it to that. We're just like, oh, I ate something bad, or, oh, yeah, you know, whatever. I don't even know what. Don't have a good explanation. You know, I need a cold. I need a dude. I went through all this stuff. I got a sigmoidoscopy where they stick a tube in your intestines up your butt. And they found nothing because there was nothing physically wrong with me. It was emotional. It was from stuffing my feelings and being too scared to feel my feelings. Now I go into this more in the book, and I'll probably record an entire podcast all about this, because it is profoundly liberating. But you can go deep down this rabbit hole and a vast amount of physical. Physical ailments that we think are structurally caused, like back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain, plantar fasciitis in your feet, knee issues and problems, jaw tempo, mandibular joint disorders, even problems with eyes and allergies. All these things actually can respond to addressing them with a mind, body, perspective. And I know for some people this is so far out of left field, they're just like, what? I can't even. It's like outside of the matrix. And they're like, no, I can't. What? Just put me back in the matrix. I can't listen to this. But for some of you, if you've experienced chronic pain for years and you get desperate enough, you become curious. So I talk about that in the book and what paths I would suggest. And if you're really intrigued, I'll probably be recording another episode before too long, all about my journey with that which is actually healing. Probably a dozen chronic pain conditions including repetitive strain injury in my wrist, the stomach problems, irritable bowel syndrome, voice problems where I lose my voice, tempomandibular joint disorder stuff, pain in my jaw, my jaw locking where I couldn't close it, knee problems, ankle problems that prevented me from biking or running, as well as chronic back pain since the age of 15 that I've been able to heal. All those applying sort of a mind body approach. And in the Not Nice book I talk about where to go and where to find that. I don't go into all that in the book about how to do it, but just like pointing it out. Like, look, being too nice and stuffing these feelings has a significant effect on your physical body. And if you're intrigued, I'm so excited for you to get your hands on this book. And a little teaser if you want to what's the secret sauce? Check out a fellow by the name of John Sarno, S A R N O. He's a medical doctor. He's got a number of books. The Mind Body Prescription is a pretty badass way to start. I'd recommend that if you're interested in permanently healing tons of chronic pain or injuries, quote unquote injuries in your body. So we're going to take a quick break and when we get back we're going to talk more about what nice is doing to us and what it's costing us. We'll be right back right after this.

The other day I was at the supermarket and I saw this cute guy in the produce aisle. I was hoping he would come and talk to me. I gave him all the signals. I looked at him for a second to get his attention. I stood nearby pretending to look at some apples and I even smiled at him as I walked by. He just looked nervous, averted his eyes and turned away. It was almost as if he wanted to talk to me but just didn't know what to say or do. It was a shame too. I was really hoping to meet him. I've been feeling lonely recently.

Are you tired of being that guy? I personally spent many years in that place where there was women everywhere around me that would have dated me and if I just had the courage to go talk to them. And that is the same that is true for you. Even if you think you're too short or too fat or not rich enough. That is all just stories in your head. And if you want to learn how to transform that and break through to the Next level and create the relationships that you really want just by being yourself. Then go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com and get started today. Hey, welcome back. So in this last segment, and there's more in the book about the specters, but there's last one thing I want to talk about another way that nice is really costing us. And that's what I would call isolation. So we already talked about feeling anxious, feeling powerless, feeling secret resentment, maybe even physical problems that you might not even originally linked to being too nice. And isolation. Now, that doesn't mean, like, you're literally alone in your apartment, you know, with no one to talk to and no one even cares if you live or die except for your cat. You could be in that situation. But it doesn't have to be that extreme. Isolation. You could feel isolated, surrounded by people. That was my experience. And I go in depth into my journey with this in the book. But just how I had people around me, but I still often felt alone. And the reason is because I was not being my true self. I was not sharing who I really am. I was sharing a piece of me. The nice side of me. The friendly, upbeat, agreeable, polite, nice. What do you think? Oh, I think that too. Okay. I was not showing the part of me that had strong opinions or disagreed or just did something because he wanted to and didn't give a fuck if people would judge him for it. I was not disagreeing with someone or saying no to someone or showing that I got upset sometimes or showing that I didn't like things. I was not being me. And as a result, even though I had friends, even though I had girlfriends, at times, I never fully felt loved. And they might have said like, oh, yeah, if you'd interviewed them or something, hey, do you love Aziz? Or like Aziz? They'd say, oh, yeah. Some people would say they like me. Some people would say they love me. But did I feel loved? No. Because somewhere in my head, it's like, they're not really loving me. They're loving this facade that I'm putting up, this part of me that I'm showing. But if they really knew the real me underneath all of me, oof, they. They'd be gone. That's one of the fundamental fears that keeps us being nice is like, if I'm really me and I say what I really think and feel, that's unacceptable. And unfortunately, many of us learn that growing up from our parents. Even well meaning, loving parents are like, don't be like that. That's bad. You put that away, you get rid of that. I don't like when you do that. Stop that. And it could have been harsher for you or more subtle for you, but the training is the same regardless. It becomes nice training and we hide all those parts of ourselves. And then as a result, we don't learn how to express them tactfully. We don't learn how to say what we want in a compelling way or a vulnerable way. We just don't know how to do it at all. Then maybe it bursts out in like a tantrum y kind of way, because we never matured that part of us. So the result is we feel isolated. So I want to ask you, like, do people really know you? Who really, really knows you? Do you have one person in your life? Maybe it's a spouse or a partner, maybe it's one of your best friends, maybe it's a sibling, brother or sister, Someone that really, really knows you, knows all the different sides of you. Because when you have that, you start to be less alone. And the less nice you become, the more not nice you are, the more expressive, the more you can be you around more and more and more people. Now, of course, what I reveal to my wife, Candice, in the privacy of our own bedroom or something, or an issue that I'm struggling with, or a deep challenge or deep fear. I'm not going to broadcast that to everyone and talk to strangers on the street about it. But me and my essence and how I express myself and the kind of jokes that I make and the things that I'm into, that comes out instantly, even with brand new people, or that comes out even in a work setting or even in a business environment where I'm trying, putting on my suit and trying to look all impressive. I'll still make jokes, I'll still use my body in an animated, excitable way. If something annoys me or I disagree with something, I'll still say, I don't like that, or I don't know about that, or I don't think we should do it that way so we can bring that out. And the more you do, the less alone you feel, the more connected you feel, the more empowered you feel, the more free you feel and ultimately the more love you feel. And that's what this book really is about. It's about helping you become the most loving version of you. And the way that we do that is by being less nice. It's counterintuitive. It's like a surprising secret that we didn't know all of our lives. And I'm excited to share it with you. I'm excited you're learning these episodes and I'm excited to share more. But before we go, we gotta end with one special thing. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today is to think about. I shared some ideas, but think about in your own life, your own experience. Make it personalized. What is being too nice costing you? What has it cost you in the past? Maybe it cost relationships. Maybe it caused you to be more alone for longer than you wanted. Maybe it caused you to let someone walk all over you or be in an abusive relationship. Maybe it stopped you from just, I don't know, speaking up to your roommate. And that created a lot of conflict. Maybe it's impacted you at work and had people look over you for promotions because they spoke up more and so the other person got chose not because they were better, but just because you were too nice to speak up, too afraid of someone else being upset with you. So what has it cost you and what is it costing you right now? And really look at the symptoms in your body. Check out John Sarno's book, the Mind Body Prescription. Man, I cannot recommend that highly enough. If you really want to be free, if you're truly interested in complete liberation like I am, which is to be my full freest, most confident self, not just socially, not just romantically, in my dating and relationship life and not even in my career. And financially, I mean all areas. Physical health too huge part of it, right? So check that out if you want that resource. But really look at what's the cost? What has it been costing me? The more you sit with that and next week you'll be ready. You'll be primed because you'll be like, bleh, get this thing off of me. I want to show up differently. And we're going to share the five pillars on how to be not nice, exactly what to do, stories, examples, bring yourself up to a more bold, free expression of you. So thanks for being with me today. Can't wait for the book release coming up in just two weeks, November 1st. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos. Related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.