OMOS: How To Be On Your Own Side No Matter What

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about you and you and you getting on your own side. How to be on your own side no matter what. Yes, no matter what. Even when you make a mistake, even when you fall short, even when you say something you don't mean, even when you get angry, even when you lose it, even when you're scared, you hide it on the covers and you avoid what you know you're supposed to face. And even when you try something and it doesn't work out. Anything, everything, even when you're stressed. I could go on 100% permanently on your own side. That's the vision. That's the North Star. That's where we're all headed here on this journey of getting on our own sides. And yeah, I mean, do you 100% nail that every day? I don't know. I don't think so. We fall short, we fall off. But if we know that that's our goal, that's our intention to be on our own sides, then that's a very different kind of day than if the day is like, I gotta perform so I don't mess up and then everyone's gonna hate me and I'm gonna be such a loser. Or worse, waking up and thinking it doesn't matter what I do, I'm already a loser, right? Just being totally against ourselves. Like, those are insanity. And that's what I talk about in the book. It's coming out very soon now, just under one week until the release of On My Own side Transform self criticism and doubt into. Into permanent self worth and confidence. Mark your calendar for that. February 25th. We'll have a bonus episode of the show coming out that day with links as well as if you're on my email list and you're not, I highly recommend it. You can go to socialconfidencecenter.com socialconfidencecenter.com and just get the ebook there for free. And that will put you on my list. You'll get all the links and you'll also find out about all the cool stuff we're doing. So we're releasing it for 99 cents right when it comes out, early release Kindle version and the paperback and the Audible will come out soon after that. But even if you love the Audible books because it's me reading to you, I mean, who would not want that 18 hours of me in your ears or I don't know how long this one is probably about 16. But even if you love that, I am going to request that you get the 99 cent version on the 25th. Because what we're going for here is to show Amazon that this book is desired and popular and you can help me in that. Because when that happens is then Amazon shows it to a lot more people and a lot of people who haven't found this podcast or not on my email list, who don't watch my videos, who've never gotten one of my programs or gone to one of my events or something, you know, who's in some way stuck in this cage of self doubt, of self criticism, of not liking themselves, of not believing it's possible for themselves to be more free, bold and authentic. I want to find that person just like I found you. Just like we're in this together. I want to spread this. I don't want to keep this a secret. I mean this is, I think, the most important thing that we could be focusing on, as you'll see in this episode. So if you could support me in that and even go further and share, share with people in your life, share with loved ones, with friends, with colleagues, share on social media, especially when it's in that 99 cent early release period, then more people can find out about that. So that's my request to you. If you've been listening to this show for a long time, if you're a fan of what I'm up to and you want to be a part of this, Ms. To help rid the world of self doubt and self criticism so we can all live our more full, bold, authentic, confident selves fully, then let's do this. And I can't wait to share more about that in the episode on next Tuesday. And a little teaser. I'll talk more about it on the Tuesday episode. We're going to be doing a cool raffle when the book comes out where we're giving away over $5,000 worth of prizes oh, yeah. So stay tuned for that future episode. And if you're on my email list, you'll hear all about it as well. And. And it's a great chance for you to win some stuff too. Okay, let's talk more about this book and this being on our own sides. If there's one book that I've written that I think everyone should read, it's this one. Because I don't know anyone on the planet who doesn't have some level of turning on themselves. Judging themselves, doubting themselves, not being 100% on their own side. It's a human challenge, It's a human struggle. But it is made much worse in this day and age, in this era where we are conditioned to really see ourselves as inadequate, both in the mass media, through images, through body comparisons, through perception of where we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to be, lives we're supposed to have lived, social media comparison, all that stuff just. It creates a breeding ground for turning on ourselves, and we gotta put a stop to that. We gotta get 100% on our own sides, no matter what. Are you excited about that? Are you down to do that? That's my mission. I want everyone to be on their own side. Because when you're on. Sometimes people think, like, getting on my own side, isn't that kind of confrontational or, like, harsh or something? Like, I'm against you. Like, I'm on my own side and I'm against you. I don't see it that way at all. I mean, when I'm on my own side, it doesn't have that harshness to it. It's more just like, oh, you don't like what I'm doing, or you don't like me? Okay, well, I'm on my own side. And if there's something that I need to apologize for or address, sure, I can do that. But that doesn't mean I have to hate myself or criticize myself. I can just address it as it arises because I'm on my own side. So what we want to do is we want to activate this level of being on our own sides. So in the last episode, we talked about the ways we turn on ourselves and how awareness is key. Then what we have to do is start to regain control inside. So one of the key steps in part two of the book, which I call the decision of a lifetime, is where you decide that you're gonna be on your own side no matter what. This doesn't just happen for us. It's not like we Reach a certain level of self judgment and self hatred, that all of a sudden we're like, you know what? I'm not gonna do this anymore. Actually, no, self hatred perpetuates itself. You judge yourself, you're doing it again the next day. And the next day, the next day becomes a pattern, it becomes habitual, and it's serving a purpose as well. Which you'll discover in the book why we turn on ourselves in the Origins chapter, chapter three. But it's not gonna just magically happen. And even if other people in your life are like, hey, you're great, hey, we love you, you can do it, we believe in you, you're beautiful, you're amazing. Whatever they tell you inside, you're like, yeah, right, they don't know me. They're wrong, they're idiots, they don't know. Yeah, right. And so nothing's gonna save you. And no amount of success or achievements in any arena of life will save you. You might think, well, when I, I used to think this, when I get a girlfriend, I will feel better about myself. That's really what I thought. And that's what fueled my whole confidence building journey in the first place, was I was lonely, single and desperate. And I realized, oh my gosh, I have to learn this or I'm never going to meet someone. And so I learned more about how to approach women and some of the basics of confidence. But I had this idea of like, okay, I just gotta get a girlfriend and then I'm gonna be confident. I'm gonna. I didn't use this language at the time, but I thought, I'm gonna be on my own side. That's what I really wanted. That's what everyone really wants. And I did got a girlfriend. She was amazing, but I still judge myself. I mean, sure, I had some great moments with her and it felt good. And I felt more confident at times and I felt proud. And there was this benefit from that thing in my life, but it's not a cure all. And I felt still insecure, still uncomfortable around people. And then when that relationship ended, oof, talk about rock bottom, right? Because anything that I was getting was propped up, was external. Any level of support that was boosting my self confidence. And have you experienced this? Maybe it's with a relationship, maybe it's with a certain job, maybe it's a certain paycheck. And that thing goes away. And you think you're on your own side until life shows you when it takes that thing away that you're not, you're horribly against yourself. And it was just an illusion that you were on your own side. You were on your own side because you had the money or had the relationship or had whatever you thought was the criteria that you needed to achieve in order to be a worthy, good, lovable person. So what we really want is to feel like a good, whole, lovable, worthy, safe person in the world who belongs here, who has something to offer, who is lovable, who is worthwhile, who has value. Not just intellectually, like, I can list it off with my head, but, like, in our hearts. I feel good. I feel I'm a good person. I'm a worthy person. I'm a lovable person. Whatever the language is, it's not even. It's beyond words. It's just a feeling in our heart. And you know when you're feeling it and you know when you're not. And no amount of career success or achievement or getting to the next level is going to create that either. I've seen that in many clients and in myself, too. There's like this hustle, you know, I'm going to grow, I'm going to do this next thing and do this next thing and that then I'm gonna. You know, in the language that I remember, I discovered this. I think I talked about this maybe somewhere, who knows? Somewhere, sometime I was talking about this where I was going for a run, and I was just like, feeling this, like, grasping, craving, dissatisfied feeling inside. It's like, I gotta get this done in my business and grow that thing and get to this thing and help these people in that way and make this program better so it serves those people and then gotta solve that problem in the finances and gotta fix this. And. And it wasn't like, you know, a detailed list of what I wanted to improve and what I was going to do and planning it was like grinding and dissatisfied and nothing was ever enough. And I thought to myself, like, why? Why do I need to do that? And the answer that popped in my head was, because then I'll be somebody. Very generic phrase. Be somebody, be what? You know, I'll have arrived, you know, and basically that's another way of saying, I'll be valuable, I'll be worthy, I'll be enough. That's what we're hungering for. That's what we're striving for. I'll be enough. And that does not happen. There's a million examples of this in people who reach mega status, fame, success, achievement, who are hungering for more, who are. And not in a good Way where they're like, I've achieved a lot. Yeah. And I want to do more. They're like, it wasn't enough. And so I turn to heroin. You know, it's like, oh, God. That was probably not the best answer. So what we really want is to feel like we're enough, to feel whole, to feel worthy. How do we do that? We decide to be on our own sides no matter what you decide that you are worthy, that you are enough, that you do have value, and that you are lovable, and that you will own that you will know that you will remember that no matter what happens, and you will be armed with that decision when your critic comes rolling around the corner, which your critic will. Your critic hears you even listening to this episode and thinking about this decision, thinking about getting the book where I guide you through this detailed process about making that decision. And we have some amazing bonus materials, too, like some audio that I recorded that guide you through the decision and how to regain control. And your critics can get wind of this and say, what? What does that fu think he's doing? I don't know why your critic talks in that voice, but maybe he does, and he's gonna come around. He or she, I don't know, it is gonna come kicking in the door and just try to cut you off with the pass. Like, hoo, hoo, ha. Who do you think you are? Your critic also says that. Hoo, hoo ha. But he has to do in the critic voice, right? Hoo hoo ha. That's a great technique, actually, is to take what your critic is saying and say it out loud in a silly voice, in a Mickey Mouse voice, in a whiny voice. It's called a scramble technique. And it works really well with busting your critic. Just a little side benefit for you there. So we gotta be on our own sides. We gotta decide to be on our own sides no matter what. And then what do we want to do with that? Well, we're gonna need to learn how to get control of our inner critics, because that critic is gonna. You know, for most of us, for much of our lives, that critic has been an inner power. It's been an inner authority. It's the one that you listen to. It's the voice of reason. It's the voice of truth. It's the voice of reality. So if your critic says, oh, you made a fool of yourself there. You made a fool of yourself. If your critic says, those people don't like you, well, we all know those people don't like you, and we believe it. And so part of this process is reclaiming control inside of ourselves and saying, you know what? That critic is not the voice. I am the voice of reason. I am the voice of my reality. I determine. And I've already freaking decided that I am enough and I'm on my own side no matter what. And the critic's gonna say, well, you're not enough. Look, you haven't done this, you haven't done that. You don't look like this yet. You haven't achieved that yet. You say, no, I do not buy into that. That's insanity. And that's what I hope you'll see as you listen to or read the first part. Part one of the book. The first three chapters is called Insanity because you got to see how bad a problem is before you're willing to change it. You know, if someone's unhealthy, they're smoking or they're eating poorly or something, they might just do that for years and years and years. And all of a sudden, you know, they have a chest pain or they have some gastric blockage or some shit like that. And then they go into the hospital and the doctor's like, yeah, look at this X ray, or, yeah, look at this. Your lungs are fucked up. That's how doctors talk, too. I'm a doctor, trust me. They like to curse your lungs. Your lungs are fucked up, man, what you been doing and whatever it is. But there's some sort of wake up call and people are like, oh, my God. They see how bad it is, and then they're willing to change. And that's what the first three parts of the book are, is to see, peel the lid back on what's happening and how you're treating yourself and how toxic it is. And then we make that key decision from that place of being fed up, disgusted, revolted, hurt, upset at how we've been treating ourselves. And then we gotta regain control and say, you know what? I am the voice. I am the inner authority. I am the power here. This critic is not. And then from that place, you gotta learn. And I call this sparring. You got to go into the dojo and you got to learn how to work with yourself, work with your inner critic, because otherwise they will eat you alive. And that's where I rag on affirmations in the book. Because people haven't done any of this groundwork. They're coming from a place of being totally trapped in the web of insanity. Should city turning on themselves Projected dislike, all this stuff and then they're feeling bad, they feel like they're not enough. And then they're like, I am intelligent, I am beautiful, I am attractive, I'm awesome. And it doesn't work because the critic just like slams that you're trying to mount some sort of defense and it's just like smashes it and it makes you feel even worse. And then it judges you for even trying. The affirmations, it's like, yeah, you're a loser. Those aren't going to work. And so what we need to do is we need to come from this much more powerful place and then we need to learn some moves to work with that critic because otherwise it'll just knock you flat on the mat. And there's a whole chapter in the book called taming your critic where I guide you through a five step process where you're going to learn how to navigate this critic, how to, you know, when it comes at you with this, here's what you say, here's what you do. And this is stuff that I was obsessed with learning and wanting to learn for the longest time and didn't find very good materials for a long time. And what I found a lot of was kind of like cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. Because I was in graduate school and I was also reading a lot of books around at the same time. And those were always like, be rational. You can't see what I'm doing, but I'm pushing imaginary glasses up the bridge of my nose. Be rational. So your critic says, man, that project's never gonna work. No one's gonna want what you got to offer. You're not going to complete that. No one's going to buy what you have to sell whatever it says. And then you're supposed to say, that's fortune telling. I've identified the distortion. And actually, I don't know the future. No one can know the future. The best I can do is try and see what happens and learn and keep going. You don't have to do the rational response in that voice. And there's nothing bad about this approach. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most effective therapies that we have out there. I think it does fall short in a lot of ways. Because what's happening here is we're trying to approach some part of us which is very emotionally driven, our critic with pure reason. And what happens for people is sometimes it feels good, sometimes when they write this out, sometimes not. Not even for a moment, or when they're talking to their therapist and it feels like they're like, yeah, that makes sense. That critic is all wound up. He doesn't know what he's talking about. This is totally absurd, right? Because they're residing in the certainty of the therapist, like, this is absurd. And they're like, yeah, it is absurd. And then they walk out of the therapy office and they're like, oh, God, it's back. I better not tell the therapist that I failed at the CBT homework techniques. Right? And it's not you, you're not failing at anything. It's that the technique is not giving you the right tool for the job. And so I had to discover these tools. I was reading tons of different books, but then also doing more depth work, more therapy work, more group work, more training, more working with people. Whatever it would take to figure, like, we gotta solve this problem of turning on ourselves or we're never gonna get anywhere in life. Not only in terms of our success and achievement, but also our fulfillment. So we made a deep study of that, and I put that into this book of how to work with that critic, how to talk to it, how to relate to it, how to soothe it, how to challenge it, how to play with it, how to do whatever it takes to not have it, have that power or hold over you. And then I also have some great demos in there of actual transcripts, actual sections of me working with people in a group. So you get to read real time how I guide people through it. It's like being a fly on the wall in one of my mastermind programs, where you get to see exactly how someone can shift or transform with their critic. And what we also go further into in really being on your own side, which I want to share with you in just a moment. In fact, maybe we'll share it at the end of this episode and then I'll have you do that for your action step. But right now I'm kind of laying out the process of how to be fully on your own side and really how we go through it in the book. And once you've learned how to work with your inner critic and tame it, then we go into deeper self acceptance than you maybe have ever done in your life. Because there are so many things that we are unwilling to allow in ourselves that our critic attacks us for. We're unwilling to fail. We're unwilling to not know something. We're unwilling to feel sad, we're unwilling to feel anxious, we're unwilling to lose our temper. We have all these things that are totally unacceptable. And so what happens Is the critic kind of just keeps all that stuff at bay. All these parts of ourselves that we've kind of pushed out and so we need to do is we need to be able to tame the critic enough to go in there and say, okay, what is it that I'm really hurting about? So I can address it, face it, and actually treat myself with a lot more love and empathy than I ever have. I said that awfully fast. A lot more love and empathy than I ever have. So then we go deeper into treating yourself with just the utmost love and care and encouragement. I have a chapter all about being your own hype man or your own hype woman. How to be just like, really on your own side and be like, yes, yes, you're awesome. Yes, you can do this. And that's a really fun, playful chapter. And then what I realized though, when I was writing this book, I was like, this book is gonna be, you know, shorter than the last one. That was my plan. That's always my plan. I'm working on another book right now, and it's like, this one is gonna be shorter than the last one. Cause I have this vision of like a laser focused book that's like, you know, 218 pages. Anyway, as I was writing this book, I was gonna keep it shorter. And then I realized, oh, shit, I can't. I gotta add more. Because what I realized is if people understand the way they turn on themselves, get total clarity on that, make a life changing decision to be on their own side and have key life changing tools to neutralize their critic, get control, get on their own sides, Boom. That's awesome. But my job is not done because the biggest problem has not been solved. Why the f are you turning on yourself so much in the first place? You know, you get the origins, you understand it. But is understanding going to liberate you? Then I realized, you know, we got to go for the root of the problem and pull that sucker out. And the root are these deep things about self worth and what you've learned about what it takes to be worthy, what your value, what creates your value, the stories you have about what makes you valuable. The root is things like perfectionism, these patterns of being where it's never enough. And the final part of the book is guiding you through these deeper inquiries to get permanently on your own side. So instead of having to deal with a critic as it arises, again and again and again every day with your judo moves, you can not have your critic arise day after day after day because you've neutralized it in a much more deep, powerful way. And what I want to share with you now as part of your leading up to the action step is a segment from the book where I'm talking about almost defined because I realized that being on your own side is not a singular thing. It's unique to all of us. And so in the book, I guide you through an exercise where you define what being on your own side means for you. So I'm going to share mine and then I want you to start to ponder this for your action step. So I'm going to share an excerpt from the book right now and then we'll jump back in and resume the episode with your action step. For me, Olmos is being completely 100% my own ally, my own advocate, my own best friend. I deeply love myself, care about myself, and treat myself with respect and kindness. I listen to all the parts of me and have endless space and patience for all my different feelings and desires. I don't attack myself for feeling anything. Sadness, anger, anxiety, grief, a depressed mood, negativity. It's okay for me to feel anything and there's nothing wrong with me for being human and having emotions. Omos not only means allowing these feelings inside of me without judgment or dismissing them, it also includes sharing them with others. I don't hide my authentic experience out of fear of others judgment. Being on my own side means I know my feelings and experiences are okay even if someone else doesn't like it. Their perception is not stronger or more real or more valid than my own. I own my reality and in my reality it's okay to be human and vulnerable. So as an act of OMOs, I regularly choose to flex my vulnerability muscle and share openly with others. I go easy on myself, especially at work and in sports. I catch myself when I'm demanding perfection, stressing myself with unrelenting demands to go faster and do more. I slow down and acknowledge what I've done and take in the wins and successes as they occur. I regularly remind myself that there is no final end point and that what I want is to enjoy the process. I relax my body and find a way to move toward my big goals in a guided state of flow. I regularly speak well to myself before tasks, meetings, speaking engagements, sessions, and any other thing that might make me feel nervous. I'm a master coach and mentor to myself. I skillfully coach myself through scary or challenging situations with empathy, love, encouragement and support. When I notice self attack occurring, I actively stop it, reminding myself that I don't attack myself that's not helpful. Being on my own side as a husband, father, brother, son and friend means letting me be me. Sometimes I am abundantly loving and generous, and sometimes I just want a break. Sometimes I'm a super dad who can handle eight things at once while being playful and patient, and sometimes I get irritated, impatient, or short with my kids. I'm a good enough husband, son, brother and friend. Almost means I don't pressure myself to get back to people instantly. I check inside to see what kind of resources I have in the moment and then give accordingly. I honor that inner signal of what I want to give and what I want to do, and I listen to it before acting out of obligation. If I start worrying about what people will think of me, I short circuit that loop of social anxiety and come back into myself. I push back against that inner cowering, telling myself what matters is what I think. If they don't like it, that's fine. I'm not for everybody. If I notice ongoing anxiety, stress, or my lizard brain firing off with threat signals all day long, I receive the message and slow down. I stop ceaselessly doing and pause. I breathe and feel my body. I take time in the morning to wake up early so I have space just to breathe and feel or journal. I uncover what demands I'm putting on myself and see if I can let them go. I find ways to soothe myself and calm my nervous system. I only speak kindly to myself about my body. I interrupt any negative chatter about my appearance. I consciously say positive things to myself and express deep gratitude for my healthy body. Every day. I choose to eat the world's healthiest vegetables, fruits, and plants to fuel my body. I avoid all substances that create dependency and addiction in order to minimize emotional eating and the suffering of craving things that ultimately make me feel worse. I take a little time each day to celebrate how amazing my life is, focusing on what's going well and what I'm grateful for above all else. I repeatedly, actively, and frequently throughout every day consciously speak well to myself. I narrate my story as it's happening in a way that is affirming, supportive, honest, and empowering. Before doing something challenging, I tell myself, aziz, you got this. I make a study of how to most effectively motivate myself to do the uncomfortable or difficult things that serve me in life. And I motivate myself with love, respect, kindness, inspiration, drive, fire, passion and praise. When I make a mistake, let someone down, or act in a way that is less mature or loving than I aspire to be, I brutally attack myself and make myself feel like dirt to ensure I never do that again. I'm just kidding. I just want to make sure that you're still with me and paying attention. No, I treat myself with patience and empathy. I explore what I was feeling in the moment and what ideas may have led me to do what I did. I know that shame and blame don't make me learn anything. And that loving inquiry is what creates positive changes over time. So that was my definition of being on my own side. Now it's time for action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to ask yourself that question. What does it mean to be on my own side? If I were 100% on my own side? What is that? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What does that sound like? How would I be? How would I think? How would I act? What would I do? Whatever comes to your mind. And again, you'll be guided through a much more in depth process of this in the book. But I want you to get you thinking about this now, even before the book comes out. Because the more you think, the more thought you put into this, the better it's going to be. This is you designing your own liberation. This is you thinking about what is the most free version of me going to be like. Because when you're 100% on your own side, you are free. You're free to do, you're free to act, you're free to share. In fact, I was just talking about this with a client recently and she said, you know, when we first started working together in one of our first sessions, you said that somewhere along the way I'd lost myself and I started to cry and I didn't even know why. I'd never cried just because someone said something to me before like that. And she says, now I, you know, I found myself and it feels so good. And she laughed as she said, she's like, and it feels so good. And then she went on to tell me how, you know, she made a shift in her career. She closed down one business and was going to start something else. And you know, the, the business that she was working in had been really much how she thought she should be based upon the shoulds and the criteria of what a woman in her family should be like based upon what her mom taught her and other people taught her. And now she's pursuing something else. A different line of business, a different industry that feels much more her. And she said, you know, not only do I, am I pursuing more of what's right for me. But the way that I'm going about it, she's like, it's just, it's a game and so I can get better at that or I can get better results or worse results or different things. But my worth is not what's going up and down. So this is what's possible when we're really on our own side. This is what she experiences. This is what I want for you. So go ahead and do that action step and make sure you get your book on February 25, 2020. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.