Own Your Confidence, Own Your Life

Do you feel capable, effective, excited and in charge of your life? Or do you often feel frustrated, stuck, scared, resentful, or maybe even hopeless? Did you know that there is one thing that determines whether you spend most of your time in that first list or feeling bad in that second list? And that one thing is being the owner of your life. And today you're going to find out exactly what that means and how to start doing it.

Now coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be diving into something that can really change the course of your life. And I mean that really literally. It will shift the direction that you're heading. It will change the way that you approach life and the way that you feel about yourself and the way you feel day to day and ultimately the destinations that you get to. So this concept is incredibly powerful. And my intention for you today is to not only get this as a concept, but to really take it in, put it into your life, put it into practice and start getting the results. And the concept is being an owner in your life. And I'm going to share exactly what that means. You might have heard that before and maybe not, or sometimes people have a lot of misconceptions about it and they use it as a way to beat themselves up or really not get them to the results that they want. So we're going to learn exactly what it is, how to do it in a way that's filled with self compassion and self respect. And at the same time, you can use it to break out of stuckness, frustration, resentment, all of that stuff. So I'm excited to dive into that with you today. One quick thing that I want to mention, which is time sensitive, is that if you're listening to this episode today when it's being released, which is February 18th, Wednesday, 2015, right now we're doing a pre release for the new version of the Confidence Code. And you might have heard about that program through this show, but it dives deep into two things, self esteem and social skills. And ranging from way more nuanced stuff than I can fit into this show about how to talk to yourself, how to optimally coach yourself, how to change the way you relate to yourself, and then hours of deep content about how to start conversations, how to have a mindset that helps you feel comfortable socially, how to interact with people in groups, how to Develop deeper friendships. I mean, every nuance of your social life that you want to master. There's great guidance in this program for that. So it's got about 90% new content from the previous version of the program. And we're doing the pre release right now. There will be a link below this episode on shrink for the shy guy. To get there, you can just go to your confidence code and you can get the entire program. You get $100 off during the pre release and you get over $300 worth of bonuses in other programs that I'm including, including the Self Esteem Blueprint, which is an audio hypnosis program that I created. Seven steps or seven tips to becoming a conversation master. And that's a video training program and an ebook and three ways to enjoy parties even if you're shy. And that is also. That's an audio training and an ebook as well. So all kinds of great stuff because I really want you to leave with that program, with every question that you have answered. So you know all of the ideas and then of course, putting it into practice. That's your job, that's your responsibility. So you get all the tools and then you get to go out into the world and test them out and use them. So go to YourConfidenceCode.com today to get that copy. It ends at midnight tonight Pacific time. I don't know what that would be your time. But basically today, go get it. And if you're listening to this recorded, that's okay. The program will be back. It won't have all those bonuses, but the program itself is incredibly powerful. So just wanted to give you one last opportunity to get that. Your confidence code dot com. Check that out today. So what about this idea of being the owner of your life? What does that mean to you? Does that make sense when I say that a lot of people have conceptions or ideas. So let me go a little deeper what that means. So there's a term in psychology called locus of control. You might have heard this. This is so common that it's taught in high school psychology classes. Any basic psych course will touch on it. But basically it refers to where someone thinks control in life is coming from. And there's two major camps of people. There's people who believe that what controls their life is outside of them. And there's another camp of people who believe what controls my life is inside of me. And that's the simplest way to describe it. Does control come from outside of you or from inside of you? And another way that People will say this is, are you a cause in the world or are you an effect? So think about it like this. I love the analogy of a boat, and you're a captain of a boat. I like to imagine an old Spanish galleon of sorts, because it makes me feel like I'm a pirate. So you're on this boat, and what's determining whether you're moving towards the destination that you want? And if you are, an effect means that control is outside of you. Then you're saying, well, I just hope the wind goes my way. I sure hope the currents go my way. And if the wind doesn't go my way, if the currents don't go my way, then I guess I'm just, we're toast, we're done. That's being at effect. That is waiting for life to do something to you or for you, give you something, make something happen for you, and you wait around for it. You hope for it, you wish for it, you lament that it's not happening. That is being at effect in the world. So what would being at cause be? Well, being at cause is summed up in this one sentence. And if you really get this sentence, if you really internalize this into your mind and more importantly, into your heart and your way of being in the world, then everything can shift for you around your confidence, but everything is success in your life. You want to know what that statement is? I make things happen. I make things happen. So embedded in that phrase is a statement of ownership, isn't it? Of cause. I am a cause. I make things happen in this world. I make things happen in my life. So in the example of the boat, the ship at sea, you might say, well, listen, Aziz, there are currents and there are winds. So, I mean, there are things outside of your control. Absolutely, yes, there are. But what do we have control over what we do in response to that? So if the winds are going the opposite way, let's say you want to get to that island over there for to trade your spices and the winds are going the opposite way. Do you throw your hands up in the air and say, well, I guess we can't trade our spices, we can't go anywhere. I guess we're gonna go home or we'll just die out here at sea. Or what would you do if you said, I make things happen, I'm gonna get to that island, what would you do? Maybe you'd take a different route. Maybe you'd say, oh, we can go south around the Cape of Good Hope. I have obviously no Nautical knowledge whatsoever. But. But it's a good metaphor. Roll with me. So you pick a different route. Certain boats had oars. Say, okay, great, we'll use our slaves to ore oh, the checkered history of humans. But anyway, you get my point, that there's ways to respond. Maybe it's like, hey, we'll go to a different island. That's where the wind is heading. And then we can sell our spices there. Sure, it's at a little lower of a rate. It's not ideal, but at least we'll sell our stuff, and then we can get back home with still a profit. So you see how you can work with what life is throwing you and use it to still get to where you want to go. That is the most basic overview of being an owner in your life is I make things happen. I was talking to one client about this, and he said, in a lot of ways, up until I really. And we focus on this for a little while until he really got it. And he said, you know, until I really got this disease, it seemed to me that I was like a tree or a stone in my life, and things were just hitting me, just happening to me. And I get now how I can do things. I can move, I can shift. I'm not this stone. So if it feels that way to you, if it feels that way to you, that is just a pattern. That is a way of relating to life that has gotten you to where you are now. And my question is, do you like where you are? Is it working for you? And if not, are you open to shifting it? Are you open to changing this stance? After the break, we're going to get into what are the mindsets of the owner versus the victim, Someone who's at cause versus effect. When I say owner and at cause, that means the same thing. And when I say victim or at effect, it means the same thing. When I say victim, it just means you were a victim of circumstance. You're a victim of what? You know, if the winds aren't going your way, then there's nothing you can do about it. That's the victim stance. And so what I want you to do, though, is keep an open mind as you're listening here, because sometimes we tend to feel insulted or something like, oh, you're saying I'm a. How dare you? How dare you say that about me? Or you're not acknowledging the real problems that I faced. Aziz. And I get this when I work with people, so I encourage you to just keep an open mind. And this is not to blame you or to kind of make you feel bad about yourself. This is really an idea of empowerment to really help you see something. And I'm by no means perfect. And the distinction's not so simple as you're either a victim or an owner. It's actually much more nuanced moment to moment. In this moment right now, how am I relating to this aspect of my life? Whatever's happening, am I being an owner? Am I being a victim? And we all go in and out of both, and me too, I'll notice it halfway through a day. I'm like, whoa, I'm being a victim here. Or I'm really out of effect here. And then I want to shift it. So the idea is it's moment to moment. It's not who you are or some label you got to put on yourself. It's just a little shift, just a moment distinction. Like, oh, I can shift this. And we're going to take a quick break and when we get back, we're going to get into how to shift it, how to shift from victim to owner in your life. Okay, I'll talk to you in one second.

Do you want to know a secret? While it is possible to completely change your confidence all by yourself, it is actually much easier and faster to do it with a group. Dr. Aziz himself says much of his personal confidence comes from being in coaching groups. Coming this spring, you have a unique opportunity to work with Aziz and a small group on exactly how to transform your confidence in the areas that matter most to you. The fastest and most powerful way to break through your fears is to have the guidance and support of a group. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching now to learn more.

Welcome back. You know, I want to take one second before we jump back into the owner victim distinction to just mention what you heard in that last ad about a group. And I want to share a little bit about my experience in groups and just how profoundly life changing they've been and let you know about a group that we have coming up called Total Confidence. It's a coaching group and it's starting in the second week of March 2015. So again, if you're listening to this way later recorded, don't worry, there'll be more groups happening. But if you're listening to this current and live, it's a powerful opportunity and I'm limiting it to six people and we already have four of those spots full. So I'm interviewing people over the next few weeks here to get just the right People for, for those last two slots because it's really important to have the group be a perfect fit. And so I want to make sure that the people I interview are really ready to make the shift and ready to dive in and do the work and are going to be in an ownership position of like, I'm going to take charge of this area of my life and I'm willing to do what it takes. But groups are incredible. I mean, a lot of people hear about a group and they have two reactions. One is, oh my God, that sounds really weird and embarrassing to talk about this stuff in front of other people. And I get it because I had that too. I mean, I kept this secret for so many years that I was struggling with confidence or that I didn't like myself or that I felt helpless and powerless around dating and women. So that's one fear. And another fear is, oh, I won't be able to get the focus on what I want to work on. And so it's not going to be helpful for me. And I want to answer, just share a little about my experience so you can understand how powerful groups can be. And this is for you, whether you want to are interested in this total confidence group or you are curious about maybe group therapy or a process group or just groups in general, weekend seminars, anything that's like a group of people gathering together to improve their life. And I mean, for me, it was profoundly life changing. I've been involved in a number of groups ranging from weekend stuff to. And I was in an ongoing men's group for several years. And one of the most powerful things and this answers that first fear of, ooh, talking about it in front of others is man. There's something that's so liberating about it, even if you don't want to talk about it yourself first. You just hear other people sharing about really what's going on in their life and how they're dealing with it and the challenges they have. And all of a sudden you're like, whoa, I'm not alone. I'm not this weird, messed up person who's got all these problems and no one else does. And you might intellectually know that or you might have heard me say that before. But it's one thing to know it with your brain and it's another to know it in your heart and to just feel, and I feel like a big shift in my own self acceptance, self love, deeply. Just accepting who I am comes from my experience in groups. It's hard to do that on your own. It's nearly impossible to do that with just a book or something like that. I mean, I couldn't do it and most people that I work with couldn't either. We need that connection around it and it's just profoundly relieving. And then on top of that, the insights you get from other people in a group is incredible. So I'm a huge believer in groups. I could go on and on about it. If you want to learn more about it, go to YourConfidenceCode.com YourConfidenceCode.com groups you can watch. A short video tells you all about what's in the group, how often we meet. It's six months. It starts in the middle beginning of March of 2015. And it's a small investment compared to individual work with me or any sort of therapy or anything like that. So I think that it's going to be profoundly life changing and I'm excited to start with the people that are involved. And if you want to join in, you can check out that video and there will be an application to fill out and then we can do an interview if it seems like it's a good fit. So you can also go to this episode of Shrink for the shy guy@shrinkforthshyguy.com and there'll be a link below or you can type it into your browser directly. Yourconfidencecode.com groups and I will be excited to talk with you about that. Just wanted to let you know that's time sensitive that is filling up now as we speak. So if you want to get on that, if you've been listening to the show for a while and you're like, this guy's got a thing or two that seems helpful and you're noticing some progress but you're stalling out or you're noticing a lot of intellectual progress. Like, oh, I really get it in my head now. Yeah, but not a lot of transformation. You're not where you want to be with your confidence, then reach out to me. I mean, let's talk about this because I spent a lot of years stuck and then I spent a few years researching it, dabbling but not doing anything. And then there was that one day where I was like, I'm going to do something. And that's when everything shifted. So if you're on that verge or you want to talk more about it, then just go to yourconfidencecode.com groups. You can fill out the application there. You can also email me at drazeez@shrinkforthshyguy.com and we can talk more. Okay, so that's the group thing. Let's talk more about taking charge of your life, being an owner in your life. So here is one of the biggest things that I see in Owner vs. Victim Owner is I take responsibility. I am responsible for the outcomes that I get in life. And if I'm not getting what I want in life, then I need to do something different to get it. And that might seem really simple. You might be listening to me and saying, duh. Is that. That's it. That's the big distinction. But really we don't do this in all areas of our life. And especially when we're frustrated or we're stuck or something doesn't work, we really flip into a victim mode, which is blaming. Blaming. And there's two main things that we blame. Well, three really. We blame other people. Oh man, why is that person so this way? Oh, they're so stupid and narrow minded. Oh, they're so arrogant. Oh, they're such a jerk. My boss is such an asshole. She's such a bitch. We get all angry in our head and we start blaming people. I would totally be where I want to be if it wasn't for that person over there. And we blame them. Another source of blame is we blame the world. We blame circumstance. Oh man, the economy's so bad. And we might have some people we blame for that, right? Oh, the president, the government. Or we'll blame life. Oh man, life's not fair. Life sucks. Maybe we're blaming God. If you believe in God. Or sometimes even people who aren't religious will blame God in some way, some force outside of themselves or and this is where it gets real tricky. And I'm so glad you've made it this far in the episode with me because this distinction will really be profoundly transformative for you, is we blame ourselves. And this is huge because, ah man, I'm messed up. I suck. I'm no good. No one likes me. Of course no one likes me because look at you, you're terrible. And we go on this jag where we just blame the crap out of ourselves. And sometimes, and here's the biggest distinction, sometimes we think we're taking responsibility and being an owner in our life by blaming ourselves, Right? And sometimes even when people hear that phrase, take responsibility, they hear it as blame. So let's say, what's an area of your life right now where you're not getting the results that you want? You're not satisfied with it. It could be your work life. Maybe you're not satisfied with your current job, your current employer, your current position, your current salary, your current job duties. Maybe it's in dating and relationships. You're not satisfied with limited dating options, no dating options, or you're in a relationship with someone and it's not very good. You don't like them that much. They don't like you, they're mean to you, or they don't listen to you or your friendships. Maybe you don't have the friends that you want. I mean, wherever it is an area that you're not quite satisfied in, your health, maybe your body, your physical vitality. And then think about this. I'm responsible for the outcome. I'm gonna take responsibility for the outcomes. What does that feel like? Usually on the coattails of, I'm gonna take responsibility, there's this weird, like, punishment, blame thing that happens where we're like, yeah, you got to take responsibility. Why are you such a lazy fat ass who's just eating those chips and getting on? What's wrong with you? Yeah, you got to take responsibility. Why are you such a loser with women? You know? And that's not responsibility, that's blame. That's still putting you in the victim stance. Now, it might feel more powerful because you're blaming yourself, but it's still a victim stance because it does not get you into effective action. So to go back to that boat analogy, you're saying, yeah, you should go to another island. You shouldn't. You know, you're not going to make it to that island because the wind's not going your way. God, you're stupid for putting on those sails. You should have put on those other kind of sails. You should have, you know, hired the oarsmen. You should have done this. Oh, man, what a stupid thing you did. That's not taking responsibility. It's not. You might think it is, but that's a misconception. That's blame. So what would it mean to take responsibility? Whoa. This is not what I want. This is painful. This is challenging. This sucks. How can I make this more of what I want? How can I make this more of what I want? How can I get to where I want to go? What can I do? Who can I talk to? What can I reach out to? What am I scared to do that if I started doing it now, it would get me closer to where I want to go? Those are the questions of an owner. That's the mindset of an owner. And we're going to take a Quick break right now. And we're going to go a little deeper into this mindset of an owner. The way you think about things, the way you approach life. And I have a story about this as well. And then we're going to get into your action step, so stay tuned. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back right after this. Want to know the biggest reason why people fail to gain confidence? It's not intelligence, motivation, or willpower. It's a lack of support. Making these powerful shifts on your own can be difficult. Get the support, guidance, and accountability you need to truly transform your confidence so you can confidently talk with strangers, expand your social life, connect with coworkers, and once and for all, feel comfortable interacting with anyone. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching now to learn more. Welcome back. So let's get even more deeply into how to use this in your life, how to turn this into action, how to take this from an idea and really apply it to yourself. So where could I take more ownership in my life? What does it look like when I start to do that? Well, you want to take an area. Let's say I had one client I was working with who was in a job that was demanding more and more amounts of her time. They were wanting larger hours, bigger commitments. And at first she said, yes, yes, the pay was good, so okay. And it started to take a toll on her life, though. She wasn't able to spend as much time with the people she loved. She was stressed out. She was not taking care of her body as well. And it was, man, they're making me work this much. Oh, they demand this much of me. Oh, this sucks. Oh, I hate this. I don't want to do that. And she was in a place of forgetting that she agreed to that situation. She agreed to that situation. That's one of the biggest places that we forget and lose our ownership is we forget that we agreed to something. And most of the things, if not all the things that we're doing, we agreed to, oh, man, this professor is doing this, this and this. You agreed to go to school and take that class. Oh, I hate this job. And this, boss, you are agreeing to work there. And this is key because sometimes when you bring this up to someone, they'll say, yeah, I have to. I have to. And that is a total victim stance. You don't have to do anything. You could work in a different job. Oh, no, the economy's so bad, I couldn't find it. That is, again, A victim stance. Right. So I can't. So I have to. And anytime in your life, you're saying, I have to do something really slow down, slow way down and examine it. Do I really have to do this? When did I choose to start doing this? Can I choose something else? And that is the key mindset difference between ownership and victim in life is choice. I'm choosing my life. I'm choosing what I do with my time. And most of the choices are unconscious. So if you get off of work and you kick off your shoes, you flop down on the soft couch, and you watch four hours of tv, and then you feel stressed, you feel tired, you feel depleted, you feel unhappy the next day or the weekend, you're choosing to do that activity when you get home. Yeah, but I'm so tired, I don't. I don't feel like doing anything else. Okay, so then own that. Say, yeah, I'm choosing to watch TV because that's what I prefer to do, and there's consequences to that, and I'll deal with those consequences. So you can choose whatever you want. It doesn't have to be only choosing amazing, healthy behaviors, but just knowing that you are making that choice, that you are creating that experience in your life, it's cause and effect. And the choices that I make now today are going to have an effect. So let's take another example. Let's say you want to do something, you want to speak up more at work, share your ideas more clearly and deliberately, or go talk to that person that you're excited about, you want to ask her out. Something that really. You put yourself out there and you say, ah, I can't do that. I just can't. Again, that's a victim stance. Can't. Why can't you? The owner stance is, I want to do that, and I feel a lot of fear when I imagine doing that. So then how do you work with that? Well, you shift it. How can I go do that thing? How can I build my courage? How can I work my way up to doing that? If that's too scary for me now, can I do something a little less scary and build up my confidence over time? How can I get there? How is the question of an owner, how am I going to do this? And again, you don't want to get too hung up on how, because then your mind will spend 50 years trying to figure it out. Just do it. How am I gonna do it? Go talk to that person. Okay, I'm gonna go do that. Do you see how it shifts From I can't to how to action. That's the pathway that you want. In fact, that leads nicely into today's action step. Time. Today's action step is to look at your own life right now, maybe even today, and say, where am I being a victim? Where am I? Letting circumstances dictate what's possible for me, how I feel, what I can do in life. Where am I saying that's not possible, I can't, I have to. That's the language of being in a victim stance. And shift it. Just pick one small area. If you notice it in 10 different areas, don't get overwhelmed, don't think, well, I'm messed up, I'm ruined. No, it's just a pattern and you can shift it. So just pick one little area. Maybe your health, maybe the way you relate to a coworker, maybe the way you interact with someone socially, whatever it is, one little area and say, okay, if I were going to take ownership here, what would that look like? How would I do that? Remember those phrases of ownership? I make things happen. How can I get to where I want to go? And then taking action, that is a key distinguishing factor from a victim to an owner. Across everything else, all the stories they have and what they say, the biggest determining difference. That's right, you guessed it, is action. So every time you are taking action, even if it's not the right action and it doesn't get the exact results that you want, just the fact that you took that action and you'll learn from it and you'll take another action that puts you on the path to ownership. I'm excited to hear how it works for you. Join in the conversation, go to facebook.com shrinkforthshyguy or send a message through shrinkforthshyguy.com let me know how this works for you, how it's going in your life. I love to hear the feedback and I look forward to speaking with you again in the future. Next week. In next week's episode. It's really exciting. We have an incredible established guest expert who has written a book called Go for no. And man, she's got some phenomenal ideas about how to totally transform the way you relate to rejection, to fear of failure, fear of no. I mean, it is life changing stuff. Andrea Walts. So we're going to be having her as a guest expert next week. So join us for that. I can't wait to speak with you again in the future. And until we do, may you have the courage to be who you are. And to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free. Free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com.