Own Your Strengths

Would you like to have better self esteem, be more self assured in social situations and generally know on a deep level that people like you because you're awesome. That sounds pretty great, huh? Well, in order to get this, there is one thing that you must do and that is to learn how to own your strengths.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of Strength for the shy Guy. Today is going to be awesome because you're going to learn something that I do with every single client that I work with. It is an essential step in unlocking higher and higher levels of confidence. And you're going to get it all for free. Oh, yes. And there's only one thing that I ask in return and it's a small favor. And then we're jump into how to own your strength. Because if you can do this, your life will totally transform. The more I started doing this, the better and better I felt, the more and more confident. So I'm so excited to share that with you today. The one thing I ask in return is that if you have read my book the Solution to Social Anxiety or listened to the audio version the Solution to social anxiety@audible.com or got it on itunes or wherever, if you read it or listened to it and you liked it, please go give it a Review now on Amazon.com or on Audible written review star review and hopefully it's a high one if you liked it. Because the more reviews I get, the more I can reach people, the more I can affect people with the book. And it's just a great way to get people to realize that, that they can change things in their lives. So if you read it, if you liked it, please go review it. It also protects me from the occasional odd person who will give it a one star. There was a dude on audible.com that gave it a one star but didn't say what he didn't like about it or what was missing. And there's no way for me to respond to it. And of course, as you know, the reviews affect whether you think something's gonna help you or not. Like if you were to look at a restaurant and there's two Mexican restaurants within a mile of you and one had a five star rating from 40 people and one had a three star rating from 40 people, which one would you go to? Probably the five star, right? So if you can help me keep that rating High. It will help me reach people and impact people because I mean, ultimately that's my mission. I don't make that much money off of the book. Most of it goes towards Amazon and Audible and the behemoths. It's really a way to reach more and more people. So if you can be part of that mission, part of that movement, mass liberation, to help as many people as we can to break free from this. So if you've been benefiting from this free podcast, by all means, please go to those places, Amazon, Audible, and give it a review. So let's talk about strengths. The name of the book, by the way, is the solution to social anxiety. There'll be a link below to click on if you want to review it on the website. So let's get into owning your strengths. What do I mean by that, owning your strengths? Well, strengths are obvious, right? When I say strengths, does that make sense to you? Like things you're good at, things you could like about yourself, things that other people might like or admire in you? Those are your strengths. They're your positive qualities, you can call them. And those can be ingrained things that you just have. Like you are really warm and friendly with people, for example, or things that you've developed or cultivated. Like I am incredible with computers or I'm really good at solving this particular problem in my workplace, or I'm a great engineer. Those are things that you've cultivated, but nonetheless they're strengths. And so I'm sure you have a sense of that. But what do I mean by owning your strengths? Well, owning your strengths means you believe them, you've taken them in, you honor them, you feel them, you know them to be true in your core. And you derive a sense of strength from them, strength from your strengths of power, of confidence, of belief in yourself, of knowing your value by really internalizing these strengths, taking them inside of you, internal to you, versus discounting them, dismissing them, denying them, saying they don't exist, saying they're not real, saying so what everyone can do X, Y and Z. That is the opposite of owning your strengths. And if you're doing that, I'm so glad you're listening to me right now because we're help you break through that. But think about that. Doesn't it make sense that the more you own your strengths, the more you know what you're good at and what's valuable about you and really feel it and believe it, the better you're going to feel, the better your self esteem, the better your confidence. So what Are you good at. What are some of your strengths? Oh, that's right. I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for you to think about it. What are some of your strengths? What are you good at? What makes you awesome? What do the people that like you like you for? What would they say? How are you feeling as you're thinking of this? You feel a little squeamish, uncomfortable, anxious, nervous? The reason I ask is because I do this a lot with people, and they get very uncomfortable acknowledging it. I used to be really uncomfortable with this stuff. Oh, God. This. Yeah. Can we get. Can we stop this part of the conversation? Can we turn this off? So are you getting that? Are you getting a little uncomfortable? Perhaps not. Perhaps you're enjoying it. Perhaps it's fun. Perhaps it's exciting, and that's okay, too. You don't have to feel any certain way as you do this. But I know a common challenge is that we feel a little nervous, feel a little squeamish, feel uncomfortable. What's really going on? Are you anxious? Are you uncomfortable? One client I was doing this with, at first, he just said, ugh, I'm getting uncomfortable. And I said, okay, great, let's slow down. What kind of uncomfortable? He's like, well, my heart's kind of beating a little faster. It almost feels like how I feel about when something bad is about to happen. Almost like he was under threat. Interesting, huh? Right? So we have this process where we're just trying to find what's good in us, and we get nervous, we get anxious. No one is around, no one is criticizing us, and we're trying to feel better about ourselves. We're just alone and listening to this. You're just listening to my voice, and all of a sudden you can get uncomfortable. What's going on here? These are the blocks. This is the block to owning your strengths. If you don't remove this block, then you're never going to be able to own your strengths, and you're never going to be able to feel as good about yourself as you want to and need to be in order to have the confidence that's going to bring you to the life that you want. The next level in your life, in your relationships, in your business, in your income. All that stuff comes from confidence, because confidence is the foundation of all success, and confidence starts with owning your strengths. So we got to be able to do that, and we got to remove this block, and that's exactly what we're going to do in just a minute. Right when we get back from this break, so stay tuned, and you're going to learn what the blocks are and how to remove them. I'll talk to you in a second.

Have you ever noticed how some people just walk into a room like they own the place? They are cool, calm, collected, and other people slink in as quietly as possible, almost as if they hope no one sees they exist. Which one of those do you want to be? Unleash your confidence today and start creating the life you want. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com to get started.

Now, what blocks you from owning your strengths? What stops you? Well, the most common thing I hear is, well, if I just start listing off all the things that I'm great at, it starts to feel kind of arrogant or egotistical. I mean, it just feels like I'm getting a big head. And, yeah, this is one of the biggest, I think, misconceptions or challenges. And it just. It's so unfortunate because. And this happens a lot of parents, My mom actually told me this one time. I remember I asked her, I was like, how come, you know, you and dad didn't seem to, like, praise me very much when I was a kid? This is when I got much older. I was asking, and my mom said, well, you know, we just. We didn't want you to get a big head. So that was the parenting strategy. And it was really common for that time. Might be really common now. People don't want, I don't want to give my kid. I want to make them arrogant and tell them they're the best and turn them into some sort of narcissist or something. And so we kind of hold back on the praise, but that's very different. Kind of excessively praising someone versus just acknowledging their strength. Those are two very different things. But we often have this fear of, like, if I acknowledge my strengths, I'm going to be really arrogant. And nothing could be further from the truth, because arrogance, the need to brag, to show others up, to be kind of a blowhard and really impress others with all the things that you're great at, that is actually a compensation, which means a strategy that someone uses to make up for something that is lacking in themselves. And guess what is lacking? That's right. Confidence. Owning their strengths. So someone who's arrogant, who needs to put it in everyone's face and convince everyone that they're great, is actually inside feeling very insecure. And now they have this big personality or this big show to try to compensate for it, but underneath, they just really can't own their strength. So, in fact, the more you can really deeply own your strengths, the more you can own your strengths, the more you feel confident in yourself naturally, and the less you need to be arrogant about it. It's just this deep, calm inner knowing. And so it's a huge distinction, is to realize that owning your strengths actually prevents you from being arrogant. Secondly, a common resistance I hear in this process is, well, look, if I just start listing all these things that I'm great about, I'm going to be deluding myself, Aziz. I'm going to be misperceiving myself and living in some sort of fantasy land where I think I'm all great, but really I'm not. And man, this one again could be nothing further from the truth, because oftentimes we are living in a fantasy land. We are deluding ourselves. But guess how we're doing that. We're seeing ourselves in the most distorted, negative, deluded light. It's just absolutely false. Like, there's someone's like, hey, you're great. Let's go hang out and be friends. And you're like, ugh, I'm a loser. No one likes me. Right? You're denying reality with this weird distortion of you're no good. But then there's people in your life right now who love you, who think you're awesome. And if we were to ask them, hey, what do you think is awesome about this person? They would list off five things. And then you hear those five things and you're like, no, that's not right. I gotta be real. I gotta be real and honest with myself and deny reality. Do you see how twisted it is? The reality is you have many great things about you. There's many things that people love about you. There's many things you could love about yourself. And that's just another surface level attempt to discount strengths. Why do we do this? What are we really afraid of? What are you really afraid of when it comes to just honoring your strengths and saying, you know what? I'm awesome in these ways, and here's why. It's this, this, this, and this. Why, really, we're afraid of being hurt, of being embarrassed, of being ashamed of our own vulnerability. Because the more you own your strengths, the more you are going to put yourself out there in the world. If you think to yourself, I'm a no good, boring loser, then you're not going to go talk to that many people. You're not going to ask that many people out. You're not going to apply for that many Jobs, and so you're not going to get hurt as much, or so goes the theory. But if you think to yourself, I'm awesome, I'm great in interviews, I'm a great communicator, people love talking to me, I'm an attractive guy, what are you prone to do then? What are you most likely gonna do based upon those ideas and beliefs? That's right. You're gonna go take action. You're gonna go out there and apply for the job. You're gonna go say hi to that person, you're gonna meet those new friends, you're gonna go talk to that woman, you're gonna give the talk, you're gonna do whatever it is. And then guess what, you could be vulnerable. You could get a no, you could get a rejection, you could fail. So to protect ourselves from that, we stay in this shell. We stay in this story, this BS made up story of I'm no good, I just can't, I'm not good enough. There's all these things that are wrong with me and we stay in that shell. But guess what? That doesn't feel very good, does it? How long have you been in the shell? Is it a little tight? Is it a little restricting? And even if we protect ourselves from being embarrassed now and then, or getting hurt, what's the cost? I mean, jeez, we could bleed our lives away. We could be in this gray, no risk, no hurt, but no happiness. Kind of gray zone for years. Just sort of depressed because we're not living our life fully. We're not connecting, we're not owning our strengths. So what would happen if you just drop the shell, put it aside? I don't need this anymore. It's okay. It's okay for me to own my strengths and to know and ultimately it's going to serve me. It's going to help me be more in the world, Step up, interact with people, say hi more, greet people more, be more warm, be more outgoing, be more friendly, be more alive, be more impactful in the world, really matter. And ultimately be able to love more. Because that's what we all want underneath, right? So what will happen when you set that shell aside? How can you imagine your life being totally different as you start to own those strengths more? And you're going to learn exactly how to do that. It's a fun process. In fact, let's take a quick break and let's do that together in just one moment.

Are you tired of feeling stuck in shyness? Do fear and self doubt stop you from being social? Or outgoing. Overcoming social anxiety is possible, but it Requires action. Join Dr. Aziz in an eight week video training program that will teach you exactly how to unleash your confidence. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com welcome back.

So how do we own our strengths? How can we really get comfortable in knowing what's great about ourselves and really taking that in? Well, the first thing you want to do is you want to make a list. You want to write some of that stuff out. What are you great at? What's great about you? What do people like about you? What would people be impressed about you about? So start making that list, at least in your mind right now. And if you can, create a file on your phone or on your computer, your tablet, run a good old fashioned sheet of paper and a pen, remember those things. Or at least in your mind. What is a list? What is at least three strengths that you can come up with? Can you start to own them? And as you think about that, I want to answer a question from a listener that I had, which I think really relates to this topic. So let's jump into that right now. So. So how do I. How do I. How do I talk to her? This question comes from a listener named Juan, who I'm gonna guess is in high school as well. Interesting. We have a string of high schooler questions, or perhaps college. It's referencing class, but he said this. He said, hey, man, thanks so much for all the work that you do. I have a question for you. I really like this girl, but I don't have the confidence to approach her. I had her for a class last year. We would talk occasionally and I think she liked to talk to me as well. At the end of the year, I asked her on the hallway right after class if we could talk. She said to wait and went back to the class. Then she came back and I asked her again. She said, talk about what? Then she blushed and then she left. And since then I've been wanting to talk to her again. I have had chances, but I just don't have the confidence. I just can't. I would appreciate if you could help me. And my first response to this is like, oh, God, Juan, I know, I've been there. It's so uncomfortable. And I think there's some really interesting things here that relate exactly to strengths. Because what I hear in this whole conversation, this whole question is loaded with, I don't own my strengths. That's what I hear when I'm reading. That's the first thing I think of, is one doesn't know how awesome he is. And there's a clue in there. How do I know that Juan is awesome and he has strengths other than the fact that he's a human and we all do. But how do I know specifically from this question? There's one major clue, one major giveaway. Do you know what it is? Did you catch it as well? She was blushing. Do you think she was nervous? I think she was nervous. That's what I hear when I read this question. I imagine that she is nervous. And this is about owning your strengths. Because I didn't get this for the longest time, I thought when I go in and talk to a woman that I'm this kind of like lonely loser less than her guy. And I had to do this song and dance to get her approval and then maybe she'd like me because she would choose. She was the selector, she was higher value than I was. And if I just got the grace of her presence, then that's the most I could ask for because that's the most I would deserve. And that's not in any way owning my strength, owning my power, owning what's awesome about me and realizing. I remember the very first moment I was talking to a woman. I'd been working on this stuff for quite a while. I was talking to a woman and I heard something in her voice, a little bit of a quiver, and I thought, she's nervous. Holy shit, she's nervous talking to me. And I'd never experienced that before. It was a total, it changed everything. So I was like, wait a minute. This whole time I thought they would be, you know, just like, you'd be totally confident and comfortable if a little six year old kid came up to you and said, hey, do you want to play a game with me? And you're going to be like, no, I don't want to play a game with you. It's like, I don't really want to do anything with this kid. It's not really worth my time. I don't have to impress this little six year old kid. That's how I imagine women would be interacting with me because I didn't know my strengths. But then when I realized this, I realized, wait a minute, there must be something awesome about me if a woman would be nervous around me. So Juan, there's something awesome about you. There are many things awesome about you that make a woman nervous to talk to you. If you could take this in, if you could really just own this and know what's great about you, what's awesome about you, perhaps even making a list yourself as you're listening to me, answer Juan's question. What are the three things that could be strengths of yours? Are you funny? Are you intelligent? Are you creative? Are you determined? Are you awesome with cars? Are you awesome with kids? Are you great at pool? I don't know what it is, but what are some of your strengths? Things that are just part of your character, things that are skills you've developed, what makes you awesome? And if he knows that, if he knew that walking up to her, what would he do? He was just starting another conversation. Hey, how's it going, Jennifer? Great to see you again. Because he knows he's got value. He's had so much to offer. And I would say get back in there. Don't be brushed aside by her fear, by her nervousness. Get back in there. She wants to talk to you. Do it again. Give it a shot. And let's see here, asking one little strategy approach, Juan, is she said, I asked her if we could talk after class. That's a little formal for my taste. What does that mean? That to me feels like I'm in trouble. And that's why I understand why she said talk about what it's like. Hey, do you want to talk a little bit later? I really got to let you know what you're doing wrong. It's a little bit nervous or what's going on? Don't ask, just talk. Hey, how's it going? How was your class? What did you learn? Anything interesting? What do you got going on this weekend? Ask her questions. Just jump into it. Don't set up a time to talk to get her permission to talk to you. You can just bypass that step. Know that you're awesome enough to just jump into it. So what are your strengths? Do you have them now? How do you own them? Well, the first thing to do is realize, you know what? Yes, these strengths make me more vulnerable because they're going to make me put myself out there in the world. But you know what? I don't need this suit of armor anymore. So to protect me, it doesn't fit too well anyways. I can protect myself in much more effective ways now. Not by hiding from people, but by knowing that I can be assertive, that if someone hurts me, I can distance myself from them or I can let them know that they need to change what they're doing or else I'm not going to hang out with them. So you have much more valuable ways to protect yourself than hiding from people. And then Once you realize this, then you got to take those strengths into your core. You gotta say them out loud, you gotta own them, you gotta know them, and you gotta let go of this little squeamish. Oh, that's not right. Fuck that. Just put it aside. Say, you know what's awesome about me? Here's what's awesome about me. And don't grab your friend or neighbor and yell this in their face. Do this by yourself in your car as you drive. I am an effective communicator. I am incredibly good at speaking to people and reaching out to them and moving them with my words, with my voice. That's something that's true about me. That's one of my strengths. What's one of yours? Can you just say it out loud right now? Okay, good. Say it at least in your mind right now. If you're not gonna say it out loud right now, say it in your mind. Good. Awesome. So this leads us to your action step. Time for action. Your action step is to take that list of three strengths, and if you didn't come up with a list of three, that's part of your action step. Just the first three that come to mind, they don't have to be the right ones. They don't have to be true in a hundred thousand percent of contexts. You know, sometimes we use that way to discount our strengths. Right? Like you say, I'm a really warm, kind person, and your mind's like, yeah, but remember that one time a year and a half ago where you weren't kind to the solicitor that came to your door to sell you magazines? It's like, come on, just what's true most of the time. Give yourself a break. Find those three strengths. And then here's the thing. You got to own them. You got to say them enough. You got to memorize them and then repeat them enough to where there's conviction. In fact, when I work with clients and we do this, what I'll do is I'll have them come up with a list, and I'll say the next time we talk at the beginning of the session, you're going to share your strengths with me from memory. And in a way, that convinces me. So this does two things. It forces them to memorize them, and then it forces them to say them with enough conviction. And I'll tell people like, yeah, let's do it again. I didn't really feel that. It felt like it was like about 20% of you coming through. And we'll do it again and again and again. I'll get them laughing, I'll get them energized, and eventually they're just saying it with full force and vigor. And then you would not believe what changes in their life just from that one shift alone. Owning their strengths I've had people exit toxic relationships that they've been in for years after owning their strengths. I've had people go out and get dates within the next several days or weeks after owning their strengths. I've had people earn. A guy got promoted within several weeks after owning his strengths. So this stuff. And you might say, well, maybe that just happened. Anyway, I don't believe so. I believe that when we show up owning our strengths, the world notices and the world responds totally differently. So that is your action step, is to own your strengths, repeat them again and again until they just become part of who you are. So you know them in every situation and then you can approach each situation with an abundance of confidence because you know on a deep level that you're awesome. And that's why I say that at the end of every show, right, is to remind you to do this, to know on a deep level that you have something to value to contribute to the world. So thanks so much for joining me in today's episode. Let me know how it goes. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and leave me a message there. On the site. You can do an email message or an audio message. I love listening to those. And again, if you happen to read or listen to the Solution to Social Anxiety, don't forget to go to Amazon or Audible and give that a great review so we can reach more people. And I look forward to speaking with you in the next episode. Until we do, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.