Perfectionism And The Endless Pursuit Of Proving Yourself

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the endless pursuit of proving yourself and what a big impact that can have on your life and where it's coming from. And most importantly, what can you do to change this? To free yourself from that pressure, from that pattern that is really driving you down a path that maybe is not your own and maybe causing you undue stress and pressure and dissatisfaction because you're not enough. You're not there yet. You haven't proved yourself enough yet. And as you'll discover as part of the pattern, sometimes there is no way for it to be enough. And that's part of the. That's part of the point of it, actually. So thank you for being with me today. If you benefit from this show, please do me a favor and share it with someone that you know, a friend, a family member, a colleague, and just, hey, I found this useful. Maybe you would, too. And that way we can reach the people that are out there who are struggling in some way, shape or form, thinking they're alone, feeling like they're not enough, trying to prove themselves. And this will help. So proving yourself does that. When I say that maybe that doesn't even any more explanation or definition, you kind of just nod your head. You're like, oh, yeah, I think I'm doing that. And you. The amount that you're doing it, there's an amount that you're doing it that you're aware of, and then there's more that you're not aware of. At least that's what I've seen in my own self and working with a lot of clients. So there's kind of like the tip of the iceberg that you can see above the water, and there's a lot of stuff underneath the water that you don't quite see, but you're. You're being affected by it and you're. You're Being pushed and pulled by the currents underneath the water. So what is this proving of yourself and where does it come from? Well, on some level, there can be a feeling that we experience of disconnection when we're young, for whatever reason. And out of that emerges a story that says, well, if I was different in some way, if I was better, then I would have the connection that I'm hoping for. Whether that was connection with parents or a certain parent or a family or kids at school and fitting in or being popular and being wanted and desired, whatever age range that can occur in. But usually, often when we're younger, there's this sense of like, I'm not connected. I don't feel the connection to the love in the way that I want. And if I blank, then I would. And what's the blank? Well, the blank is the proving of yourself. But how you choose to prove yourself is kind of based upon a couple of factors. One is maybe the cultural field, what you learned was good, right? Proper, like, oh, if I'm good at sports, then I'll be respected. Or, oh, if I'm really thin, then I'll be loved and desired, because that's sexy. And this, you know, cultures tells me that. So there's what you learn from around you. There's also what you think you can succeed at, right? Because. So we kind of look at our options for proving ourselves and we say, well, I'm not going to be good at sports. I mean, that's just not going to happen. But I'm pretty good at art, so let me put all my eggs in that basket, you know, or I'm not going to be, you know, the popular cheerleader type, but, you know, maybe I'll get really good at music and then I'll be cool, right? So we find it's a combination of what you learned is desirable, plus maybe what you think you can excel at. And then you go at it. You're like, I got to get better at this. I'm going to get further at this. I'm going to progress at this. I'm going to do this. And it cannot even. It can go beyond these specific things that you put your attention or energy into and just become a way of life where whatever I'm doing, I gotta do it really good. There's like this background pressure, and that's where it can get into something like perfectionism, where anything I do has to be really, really good. Now, it's not just proving myself by being the best at something. It's proving myself every Day, it's proven myself. But, you know, in this email that I send, it's proving myself. In this call that I lead, it's proving myself in this meeting, it's proving myself on this date, it's proving myself. Even hanging out with a friend, good God, it's exhausting. And you may be running around thinking, I'm proving myself everywhere I go, and you may not. That's how it was for me. I wasn't aware that that's what I was doing. I just felt this pressure and this anxiety. So I feel pressure. You know, for example, in a social context. I remember whenever there'd be a group introduction, I have to say hi and introduce myself in a group. I'd be really nervous ahead of time, and I would start rehearsing what I was going to say. I needed to prove myself in a group introduction. And I felt this pressure to say something really smart and witty and funny and memorable and likable and. And then I felt all this anxiety about whether I would or not. And then afterwards, I felt a lot of anxiety. Maybe if I said something funny and everyone laughed, I'd be like, ha. But it was almost like a maybe there was a bit of satisfaction there for a little while, and then it faded very quickly. And mostly it was relief and like, okay, I pulled it off. I proved myself today in that moment. And that's just one small example. But that could be in everything. And then, you know, maybe there's something for your physical health and there's a sense of like, okay, I'm gonna get. Get into running or I'm going to get into weightlifting. And then it's like, I got to lift the most and get. Grow the fastest, you know, and then I would do that. I remember I got, you know, got into personal training maybe like four years ago, five years ago, when I had this. Some of these major breakthroughs and chronic pain and, you know, saw that my body was actually healthy and strong and not broken and incapable. Hallelujah. Lots of other episodes on this podcast about that transformation, if you're curious about that. You. And so I got into personal training and going to the gym regularly, and it became like, how do I get stronger, faster, leaner, better? Yeah, right. Got it. So the prove yourself pressure can start to just be a way of life. And then you maybe think of yourself as like, I'm an achiever. And you maybe think that identity is good. Maybe you think that identity has got cons to it. I don't know what you associate to that, but I Don't think I ran around saying I'm an achiever, but I definitely was and am, I guess to some degree still now. I think I've done a lot to unwind those patterns, and they're still there. They can still crop up here and there. But really to unwind them became a major goal of mine because I was given a gift. And the gift was pain. Chronic pain, Hooray. But one of the major contributors to that pain was pressure and anxiety. And those can come from a variety of different circumstances. But the most enduring is your own way of approaching life. Because you could be stressed because you got a lot of demands in your workplace or whatever. But if you feel that pressure to perform and prove yourself and then that anxiety about it, about everything, then that's a lot of tension that's building up. And that can go with you from circumstance to circumstance. Even relaxing circumstances like hanging out with some friends at a dinner party or whatever can be stressful. So I would get pain, and for me it was come a lot about perfectionism in work. I would put all this pressure on myself. I lead this mastermind group program and these events that I would lead. And it would be like, everyone has to have an incredible, forever liberating experience right now. I don't know why I'm stressed. So I'd have all this tension and physical pain. And so the pain, pain is there to disrupt your life. Pain is there to say, hey, the way you're doing things ain't working, buddy. And so I listened. In fact, that was the first part of liberation for me from pain, is actually to know the pain was a message and actually listen to it as opposed to just trying to numb it out and get rid of it. And so one of the messages was like, whoa, whoa, look at what you're doing right now. And so I started to have to look at that iceberg that was underneath the surface, say, okay, what's happening here? And I started to notice that I felt like I had a throttle inside. And it would be like idle or five miles an hour and then full speed. And those are my two settings. It was like, hey, we're either just like chilling in a parking lot, barely moving, or as fast as we can storm the gates. And so I would notice this ramp up vibe and the feeling inside of me and it's just like I gotta and this pressure. And so I started to bring more attention to that. And I remember I was talking with a coach about this. She was helping with my body pain. She was a mind body Pain expert. Her name is Laura Heydrich, and I've actually interviewed her for this show. She runs a thing called the Pain Cure Clinic with her husband John. They're amazing, by the way. And in one of our sessions, she said something to the effect of. It seems like you're proving yourself or trying to prove yourself in. In this area, whatever the area. I think we're talking about something with work. And I paused, and I don't even remember that in the moment of session, but I remember after the session, just, like, sitting at my desk kind of in this, like, wait a minute, wait a minute. We were talking about at work. I think I do this everywhere. And then it was even more, like, fascinating and sort of shocking was like, how long have I been doing this? And then I thought, I think, like, basically most of my life. And it seemed like something about my upbringing, especially playing competitive sports. And, you know, I remember I did pretty well academically as a kid, but it just felt like it just flowed. Like, it didn't feel stressful or effortful. I just studied. And that was kind of the expectation my parents had, is that I would study. And I was pretty good at it. And so I did it. And I don't remember fighting them a lot. And, like, I don't want. That's what you did as a kid. It's like, dad goes to work, you study, do it. Go to school and do your stuff. But I felt. I remember in sports, especially, as I started to play more and more competitive sports around the age of 11 and 12, it became really like, you're not enough. Do more. Push harder. Come on. And so I started to really take that in as, like, this is how you're supposed to be. And so I'm wondering, as you're listening, do you feel that? Where do you feel that? And part of this process of liberating yourself is truly the awareness, moment to moment, because I don't think there's some decision that you're gonna make that's like, I'm not gonna do that anymore. And then, poof, it's gone. Like, you can make a profound decision, which is what I did, which I encourage you to do, is say, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is insanity. This is me not being on my own side. This is unhealthy. This leads to pain. For me, it was physical pain and also anxiety and stress and other things for you. You can decide what the cost is for you. But, like, whoa, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't wanna live this. My life this way. Because when you're proving yourself you're running from something, what are you running from? That's what I got really curious about. And when you're running from something, you're not really going where you wanna go, are you? Right? You're just running any direction you can to get away from it. And so you might be running towards a certain level of career achievement or a certain level of, you know, I mean, it came up in everything, you know, dating. Like, when I went from being, like, completely socially anxious and unable to date at all to learning how to put myself out there, learning how to date. And then it became like, I gotta find a way to make women want me and, like, have every woman want me and let me get really good at having women want me. And I'm gonna become the best at this. But I never. But I never was. I've never been the best at anything in my life other than being me. Right? I've never been the fastest. I've never been the best musician. I've never been the funniest person. Well, I mean, some people say I'm the funniest person alive, but I don't know about that. I've never been the best objectively at anything. Probably very few humans are objectively the best at anything. And I'm the best at being me. And that's it. That's really what we got on that front. And so there's this pressure, though, to be better and better and better and better, just trying to go down these different paths to succeed or prove something. But is that really what you want? Is that even you choosing based upon your values and your life? And so for me, when I finally got. Wait a minute. Not only is this causing me pain now, but this might be like, what do I really want? What if I don't have to be the best? What if I don't? Right? Cause the. Be the. I'm gonna be so great and so impressive, then people are gonna like me, right? That's what we're running from. We're running from that feeling of inadequacy, of unlovability. Isn't that at the core of everything that we're running from is that feeling of I am unworthy and I don't belong and I'm not loved and I won't be loved because I'm not worthy of it. It's this sense of disconnection and disconnection that cannot be resolved by spending time with somebody, right? Because it's like, well, no one wants to spend time with you, or even if they are with you, you're not really that lovable. So it's this like disconnection that we can impose upon ourselves stories, no matter who we're with. And that's suffering, that's pain, that's what we're trying to get away from. And the crazy thing is it's an illusion, it's not even true. That you are not connectable with that you deserve to be disconnected and you have to suffer in that way. That's just an experience that's coming about from a false perception, a misunderstanding. And so I began the process of unwinding this pattern and I started to see it as truly just what it is, which is a pattern of anxiety. Perfectionism is fear. Proving yourself is fear. You might say, no, that's ambition, that's drive. And they're very different freaking things. And I've seen that again and again. And you can start to notice it. It's like a fuel, it's a frequency. And they look similar from the outside. You could see someone who's doing a bunch of cool stuff in the world and you're like, that person's driven. That person's an achiever. That person's doing a lot of. Are they being driven by proving themselves? Are they being driven by something else? You might not be able to see it from the outside, but man, it is a 180 degree different feeling on the inside, and I know it. And you can feel it in your own experience. So what is the difference? What does it feel like? Well, the proven quality has fear at its root. It is like an aching inside. I'm incomplete, I'm empty. And I'm going to go out there and do something and then I'm going to get full from that thing. Ah, it's a grasping quality to it. You'll feel this. I'm using words to point to something that's in a sense experience. So the next time you're feeling this, and it can feel like pressure and bad, it can also feel like hunger and drive and motivation and quote, good. But if you slow down, underneath those good feelings of like is like maybe a frantic or a fear, like I gotta get this done or else. And so it's a fuel. And I felt that. When you're talking about the gym stuff, I remember I was really motivated, you know. Cause I lived so many years, 20 years in chronic pain where I couldn't use my body. And I was finally, I was like, finally, I'm gonna get that amazing physique. Ha. Ha, right. And I was really driven. But if you pay attention to that drive, it's like got a little bit of a dirty residue to that fuel. It's not burden clean, that's for sure. What's the alternative? What's the cleaner fuel? The cleaner fuel is being motivated by something else. What if you didn't need to prove yourself? What if you were already enough? What if you were already a somebody? Right, I'm gonna get there, I'm gonna be a somebody. What if you're already a somebody and say, well no, I'm not a somebody because I haven't achieved this yet. Okay, all right, that's the game that you're setting up. That's the, you're creating those rules, those stories. No one else is saying that. Well, actually Z someone, my dad is saying that, well, Forget that there's 8 billion other humans on the planet. Why are you living in your frickin dad's reality or your mom's reality or the cultural field that you grew up in? You get to choose. You are the captain of your ship. I decide what reality I live in. And guess what? You step into that reality and you'll find all the friends, all the employers, all the customers, all the lovers, the partners, everything that you want, all the plenty of humans for you to have an extraordinary, rich, connected life can exist with you in that reality. The reality in which you can be you. Not some magical, better version of you that you're never going to get to. Not who's the best at something, or the funniest, or the sexiest, or the richest, or the most successful or whatever pressure you're putting on yourself. You don't need to be a somebody in order to get love. In fact, the pursuit of trying to be a somebody is an armored way of trying to experience love without being vulnerable. That one's so significant, I'm gonna say it again so it can really settle in for you. The pursuit of trying to be a somebody, AKA prove yourself, is an armored way of trying to get love without being vulnerable. There's a more direct path to getting love, a more real path where you can actually feel it and give it and receive it. Which is instead of saying, hey, I'm a somebody now you want to spend time with me to go from hey, I'm a nobody, who are you now? You might say, well, I'm about a nobody that has a negative connotation, but that's okay for me, that doesn't have a negative connotation anymore. I'm a Somebody and I'm a nobody. I'm a big deal. And I'm insignificant in the larger universe, right? Who am I a big deal to? I'm a big deal to my kids, to my wife, to people that love me, to the people that I serve. And that, that is the better source of fuel is the impact that you're making, the contribution that you're making, right? Like my son, my two sons, like, they drink, they're nourished by my attention. I can see it when I'm present. And when I'm with them, they're like, they want to tell me things, they want to show me things, they want to do things with me. It's just like, they're like, man, they're like charging up. It's like a solar battery with the sun, right? And you know that. Have you ever felt the attention of a parent? It feels really good. So like, boom. Let me give that. Wow, that feels amazing. It feels amazing to give it because then when I've been giving it and I'm really focused on them, I get to feel too, right? It's this beautiful. The giving is in the receiving thing. And I'm a nobody there. I'm a somebody to them, and I'm a nobody. It's not like, you know, the newspapers are gonna write a story like, father gives his son presents and attention. You know, write it up on the New York Times. This is a big story. Let's go interview him, right? Nobody cares. It's a nobody move. But the most fulfilling, liberating, amazing, rich experiences of your life are the ones where you're a nobody. Maybe you don't even. You don't even. You don't even exist in a way. Like your focus is outside of you. Your focus is on the sunset or the friend or the lover or the moment, or the art or the contribution or the creation of life moving through you. That now that is a high quality fuel. And so the. Let's turn this into action. I'm going to say the action step to shift, to make this shift. Let's go into that right now. Time for action. Action, action. And so your action step to turn this into practical shift for you is to start to notice it. And it truly is a moment to moment multiple times throughout the day kind of thing. Maybe you have certain areas where you know to tend. That pressure to prove yourself is more noticeable to you. That tip of the iceberg is more visible. Great start there. But it's not, trust me, it's not just there. It's other places as well. So bring more awareness. And it's just sort of like, what? How am I playing? That's the question I ask myself is like, how am I playing this game right now? You know, the game of being a coach, the game of running a business, the game of being with my kids, or the game of social, socially connecting? The game of life? How am I playing right now? Am I proven? Am I trying to be a somebody or am I just being and noticing that and then consciously choosing and shifting to a different track? How do you do that? Well, it starts with that intention. And then it's about breathing and opening your chest and your body and feeling and allowing yourself to feel that grasping inside that's like, yeah, I have to be a somebody. And underneath that is just pain. And you can be with that pain. And I have a chapter in my book on my own side called Show Me Everything youg Got. If you haven't checked out that book, go get it on Amazon. You can listen to it on Audible. Go straight to that chapter. I think it's chapter seven. But you know, don't quote me on that. It's called Show Me Everything youg Got. It's how to be with that little part inside that's like, ugh, we all got it. And the solution is not to try to become more of a somebody so that part disappears. That part's never going to disappear. It's about you integrating that part, loving that part, becoming more skillful and emotionally intelligent with yourself. That's where the freedom lies. So thanks for being with me today again. If there's someone in your life that could really benefit from this, please send it to them. Share this don't keep me a secret until we speak again. You have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blog ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.