Pillar II. Action - The 3 Pillars of Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo. Welcome to today's episode of the show. This is a show for you. If you are sick and tired of feeling held back in some way by social anxiety, self doubt, fear, inner critic, which we talked a lot about last week, anything that's getting in the way, that's stopping you from being able to put yourself out there, be more relaxed around people, be more confident in yourself and in your life. And what you've probably started to discover as you've been on this journey, whether you're just starting or maybe you've been on it for a while, to grow your confidence and become, you know, overcome social anxiety, whatever form that manifests. This really is actually about mental mastering your confidence in all areas of life. Because social anxiety can affect you in every area of life. And the more confident you become, the more you excel. So maybe what led you to it is dating and relationships. Maybe it's just wanting to be comfortable socially. Maybe it's wanting to be more comfortable at work in certain situations. But then once you start to grow, you realize, like, oh, these tools, this approach can help me in every area of my life, which is what I'm most excited about. And this is the second one in the series episode in the series of the three pillars of confidence. And the first pillar was self love. Being on your own side, really making that commitment and that decision and making a practice of that which if you haven't listened to that episode, go back and do that. And the second pillar is action. So you can love yourself and be on your own side. And that's extremely valuable. And. But it's not gonna radically transform your life. Action is the thing that's gonna radically transform your life. Now, the reason why it's the second pillar is cause if you take a ton of action, and this is what I did when I was first starting this, learning about confidence. You take a ton of action, but you're not on your own side you're self critical. You are impatient with yourself. You judge and criticize what you're doing. It's not enough. You should have done that better. Why did you say that? You should be able to do X, Y and Z right now. Like, like that makes the journey slower and harder. So first we gotta get a line, we gotta get our own side. Then we have to get into action. So this is probably not new information, but this is something that we can't hear enough. You must take action. And even before I share anything about, I have tons of ideas and tips. I've taken a bunch of notes before this episode, before I share anything, I want you to just think in your life right now, what's the action that you need to take to grow, to build your confidence to be more of the person that you want to be? You know what it is, don't you? All of us can think of at least one thing. We're like, yeah, that's when I. Yep, I know, but that's usually the issue, right? It's not what action to take, it's the. It's hard, it's uncomfortable. I don't want what if it's really uncomfortable? I don't want to. So that's the real issue. Not the what of the action, it's the how do we get ourselves to do it. So let's get into that now. You need to build a framework. Well, let me take a step back. You need a new identity. You probably need a better identity in some area of your life. So we have identities in our social life. Identity is just how you see yourself. You know, I'm attractive, I'm not attractive. I'm boring, I'm interesting. I am likable. I'm not very likable. I'm funny, I'm too serious. I'm athletic. I'm always the person who's. I'm the fat guy. I never follow through versus I always complete what I start. These are all pieces of your identity and various get throughout a handful of examples. So you need a better identity to get into action. And actually it works both ways. You need a better identity to get into action. And the more action you take, the better your identity gets. So how do we do that? Let's say you have a negative perception of yourself. I can't go talk to those people. It's not gonna go well. Why is it not gonna go well? Cause I don't know, I'm just not that good to talk to. I'm kinda boring. Okay, so what do we Do? How do we shift that? Well, you need a framework. You need a new framework. You need a framework for a new identity. So think of it like this. Think of it like a skyscraper. From where you are now, you're gonna need to build all the scaffolding. Then over time, you kind of flush out the rest of the building, all the other materials, and the windows and everything else. So the scaffolding is something you can do on your own, and that is to affirm the new identity. So let's say the new identity is, I easily approach people that I want to talk to and have conversations with. I easily approach people that I want to talk to. Maybe that's different. Maybe your identity is, I am shy and awkward and I never know what to say. In fact, just try that one on right now. I easily approach whoever I want to talk to, maybe even say it out loud. I easily approach whoever I want to talk to and then notice. Does that feel true? Does it not feel true? How do you know? You know, the crazy thing is we determine our identity by reflecting on our own behavior. So if you've approached a lot of people or you tend to do that and that's not. Maybe not one of your challenges, you'll just be like, oh, yeah, yeah. And I said, well, how do you know? And you say, well, I just. That's what I do. Interesting, right? Behavior creates identity. So, but let's say you don't. You're like, yeah, no, no, that's not true for me because I'm the one who hangs out in the corner. I don't like to talk to people. I never know what to say. So you're going to have a lot of reference points of not approaching people. So what we do when we want to make a change and take the action is we start to affirm the new identity. So you need to start telling yourself on a daily basis, I'm the kind of person who goes and talks to people. I easily approach whoever I want to talk to and casually start conversations. And you want to repeat that with intensity, with frequency. You want to flood your mind with it. You want to make it absorbing to your focus and to your conscious mind. You know, people call those affirmations. I love Tony Robbins take on it, which he calls them incantations. Same thing. More emotional intensity, more vibrancy. You say it like you mean it. You say it while you're running. You say it while you have some juice in you. Not just passively, but in any case, it's the same thing. It's a new potential identity. Now, what often happens is people find this. I was just sharing this with a client recently and we gave him a list of maybe 10 that were about being more social. So I easily approach people I want to start have conversations with. I am genuinely interested in others and they're interested in me. Just a whole list of things that someone who is socially comfortable would believe about themselves. And so he did that and he came back the next week. I said, how's it going? He's in my mastermind program. And he. And he said, well, it feels really good, actually. I've been feeling better. I read these things out loud. I've committed them, a lot of them, to memory, just like you suggested. And I'm feeling really good. The only issue is I was at the social situation the other day and I didn't do anything different and I felt kind of stuck. I was like, yeah, okay, so this is great. You're building the framework, but you must add the rest of the building. It's just a potential identity until you take the action. It just sounds good and feels good and that's great. I'm not saying that in a bad way. It sounds good and it feels good because it's more true and it's empowering. But then you have to. You have to take that action. You must. It's the only way to build in that reality. Because remember, you reflect on your own behavior to see what your identity is. So you have to say, I. I'm the kind of person that goes over and talks to people. And then what do you gotta do? You have to go talk to those people or else you're gonna say, oh, no, that's not true. What's true is I don't. Doesn't matter what I tell myself that telling yourself the affirmations and all that stuff are a great temporary measure to get you into doing new action in the world. They're a means to an end. They're not the end in themselves. So you must put that into practice and you must take that action. Now, one challenge that people often have is they say, well, yeah, but it's too hard, it's too scary. And that's where I'd be like, you know, maybe, maybe. But usually what you're saying is, I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be uncomfortable. When we say it's too hard or too scary, what we're saying is, it's uncomfortable and I don't want to be that uncomfortable. I'm not willing to risk being that uncomfortable, having an awkward moment or awkward conversation, getting rejected. And if that's the case, then let's just call a spade a spade and say, hey, I don't want to be that uncomfortable. But then we're at least being truthful. If we're saying, I can't, that's false. That's not actually true. You could walk over to them and open your mouth and say something, but I don't want to be that uncomfortable. I don't want to take that risk. Well, then my question would be, well, how bad do you want it? Do you really, really, really want it? Are you really ready to transform your life? And look, some people aren't. There are some people that are smoking cigarettes right now that are not ready to change, that don't want to stop smoking. And that's okay. That's their choice, right? That's their autonomy as a human being. And then there are people who are like, I kind of sorta probably should. I don't know, though. I don't want to stop. It's just so fun. I miss out on. I don't really know. Maybe I should. I don't know. And they're probably not that ready to take action. And then there's people that like, yeah, I totally, totally do want to stop. I just need to. I'll stop. And, you know, on my birthday, I just need to read another book, and then I'll stop. Or I'll get through this stressful period at work, and then I'll stop. And I'm totally going to stop. They're closer, but they're still not ready to take action. And then there's those people who are like, you know what? God damn it, not another minute of this. I'm wheezing when I walk up the stairs. There's a great guy. I don't know if you're into podcasts, because you're listening to this podcast, you might already know about it. His name is Rich Roll, and he's got a podcast. I listen to his audiobook called Finding Ultra. Sort of his experience of going from. I think he was in his mid-40s, late 30s. Mid-40s, early-40s, totally out of shape, horrible diet, Just pretty stressed out from work. Kind of hitting on all cylinders towards early death, basically. And he's climbing up his stairs just to go to bed, and then he's, like, dizzy at the top of the stairs, and he has this come to Jesus moment where he's like, holy shit, I'm not gonna see my kids Grow up like, I'm in really bad shape, really ill health. And he starts to do more radical things and then makes bigger shifts, then bigger shifts, and he switches to a vegan diet and he starts to run and blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, he's like, running these insane ultra marathons. Highly entertaining book. Very fascinating story. Oh, tells his backstory of having alcoholism ruin his swimming abilities as a collegiate athlete. In any case, what was my point about rich roll podcasts? I'm sure it was a good point. You must take the action. Oh, you're really ready. He was really ready when he got to the top of the stairs, and he had that moment. So are you really ready? I talk about this a lot, you know, our level five commitment. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Cause if you are, then there is no end to how much action you can take. And if we're not, we just want to be honest about that. And maybe it's not hurting bad enough. Maybe we're not associated enough. You know, the one thing I do at my live events sometimes is I have people imagine five years from now, if you don't take massive action, if you don't do something significant, not just dabble at this, but really make a study of this. If you don't do that and you just kind of go on with life as usual, then all those problem areas, like your dating life, you haven't really dated anyone in a couple years, and you don't really meet people that often, or your social life, you don't really have deep friendships, you feel sort of alone a lot, you have a few acquaintances, but meh. Or you've been dissatisfied with your career, your work for five years, you know, it's not right for you, but golden handcuffs or whatever, you don't want to make any changes. Okay, what about five years from now, when you imagine that? What do you feel? And I have people really get into it, and I've had people come tell me after the event, like, that was the most powerful moment of this for me because it scared me. I even go 10 years in the future, too. Like, it scared me. And then the reality is, hey, facing that 10 years from now, that's a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than this awkward social interaction. So I'm going to go have the social interaction, thank you very much. And that's the place that I reached that threshold moment where I was like, I can't go on. My life's gonna suck. So then, then we're ready. Then we're willing to be uncomfortable. And if you're willing to be uncomfortable, you can take action. So my question for you is, are you willing to be uncomfortable? And I should make a. I mean, I could make a whole episode probably about the case for discomfort. Why discomfort is awesome, why we need it, why we should seek it out on purpose. And that the people that do lead extraordinary lives have higher quality of lives. And even if you don't want to lead an extraordinary life, I don't know why you wouldn't want to. But let's say you're like, well, that sounds like a lot of work. How about just pretty good? Well, great. Even if you want a pretty good life, the way you get there is through growth, taking on challenges, experiencing new things, loving, opening your heart, creating meaningful relationships, having meaningful work. All of that requires risk and discomfort. So now you're ready, right? You're ready to take that action. You're ready to face the discomfort. So what do we do? Well, we take that next action that's in line with our identity. We say, wow, I'm the kind of person that walks over and talks to people. Then you walk over and initiate with those people. And if it's really intense, the fear is really strong. Let's say you're wanting to date and you're like, I'm the kind of person who just walks over to a woman I'm attracted to or a man that I'm interested in, starts a conversation with them. But then you think about that and you're like, ah, this is overwhelming. I can't do it. Maybe you need some skills, but maybe you just need to scale it back a little bit. So, hey, I'm the kind of person that approaches people I'm attracted to easily. And then you follow that up by just saying hi as you walk by someone you're attracted to or just giving a casual compliment, hey, nice boots. As you walk by, very low risk, you're not even stopping. They don't even have time to reject you. And besides, 99% of the time you compliment someone on their appearance, they're just gonna give you, at the very least, like, thanks or maybe nothing. But it's rare that they're gonna turn and say, hey, you get back here. I reject. I reject you. Right? So it's very low risk, but it is in alignment with that new identity, isn't it? So then you're building on it. And here's another thing. You must give credit to the action that you take. Do not engage in the toxic habit of discounting small Actions, Yeah, I just gave a compliment. But so what? I can't tell. That's one of my main jobs in coaching with people, is we get them to make these changes. They're transforming their identity that they've been stuck in for 10, 15, 20, 30 years. It's momentous. And they're like, yeah, but I mean, I only. And I'm like, whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're stepping on the little new plant that's growing in your garden. You gotta water that sucker. Be like, yes, I did that. And here's how you do that. I learned this from Brian Johnson. If you don't know Brian Johnson, check him out. Optimize me. Phenomenal teacher. But one of the things he taught me is when you take a new action that's in alignment with a new identity that you want, you say to yourself, yeah, that's just like me. So it's like you went over and you gave someone a compliment as you walked by. You say, yeah, that's just like me. To reach out and say hi to people. That's just like me. To start a conversation. That's just like me. To get stuff done at work. Whatever the new identity you want to be reinforcing is, that's just like me. You say it very casually and matter of factly to yourself. You're reinforcing that identity. That's just like me. Other tips on training yourself for action is robotic. Just one thing I'm playing around with with myself is what I'm calling either clockwork or robotic precision. So I've been doing a lot of stuff around habit formation recently, which is really interesting. Maybe I'll do another episode about that. But specifically. Well, a lot of habits, but especially in the morning routine. I have a very elaborate morning routine at this point. Tons of things that I do. So it's like I do this, then I do that, then I do that, then I do that, then I do that. And I've been building up the habit and getting it pretty consistently where I'm doing it every day, which feels awesome. And then I noticed that there was what I would think of as slippage time. So my routine is wake up, do a cold shower for 10 minutes, go out, do some wim hof breathing, stretch, do yoga, meditate, then do a deep work block where I have three hours of uninterrupted quiet time with no distractions. And then there's more. But that's like the core beginning of the morning routine. So I noticed, though, that between those things, there would Be like, so it's like, in order to get all this stuff done in a timely manner, I do this, then I do that, then I do that. But there'd be this slippage in between. It's like, okay, I just finished using the bathroom, now I'm going to get in the cold shower. Oh, let me finish reading this thing on my phone first. And then I would get done with the meditation. Okay, I'm gonna start my work block now. Oh, let me do this thing on my phone or on the computer first, right? And I was like, wait a minute, what am I doing here? And I'd be stalling or delaying or. So I said, I need, I need to train myself. Like, I just do this, then I do that, then I do that, then I do that, then I do this, then I do that again day after day after day after day. So I created a little schedule. I was like, okay, at this time, I do that. At this time, I do that. At this time I do that. And I recorded, like, did I hit those targets that day? And if I didn't, then what was going on? Then I do it again the next day, the next day, the next day. And over a period of like maybe just four or five days, I got into robotic precision. And what I noticed is some mornings I'd be like, I just want a break. I don't want to. There'd be kind of this emotional. I don't want this. That normally would lead me to go some slippage time, do something else. I was like, no, just stick to the schedule. So I trained myself to just do. And I've also trained myself to just approach something I'm afraid of. So that's what you want to do, right? Is you want to just train yourself. So this is kind of the idea for willpower of if then statements. So if this, then I do that. And you just hammer that until you get it. So you know, if my alarm goes off, I instantly get out of bed. That's when I hammered on myself again and again. And if you want a little hack for that, I just say in my mind, I am strength. I am discipline. I am strength. I'll say, I am strong. Versions of this. I am strong, I am healthy, I am disciplined. I am strong, I am healthy, I am disciplined. And I'll just say that several times and I get out of bed. Some people have the 5 second rule or the 3 second rule or whatever second rule, as long as it's not like the 84 second rule. But once you do it enough if this, then that, you know, if I, you know, if I get up and go, you know, if I get up, then I go into the bathroom. If I go into the bathroom, then I take a cold shower. If I take a cold shower, I take it for 10 minutes. So you have these if then statements that you build up so you can do the same thing where it's like, if I see someone, if I'm walking to work, I give three compliments. If I see someone I'm attracted to, I say hi as I walk by. If it's a Tuesday and it's my lunch hour, let's say you always go to this place for your lunch hour on Tuesday and you're looking for opportunities to practice in, say, your dating life. You say, if it's a Tuesday and it's my lunch hour and I see someone attracted to you, I'm going to approach them. Now, the reason I gave that one a specific marker is like, if you say, if I see someone attracted to you, I'm going to approach them. That's a bit extreme. You can do it all the time, every day, no matter what. So that's kind of extreme. But see how that one was a bit time limited. It gives you a specific target. So those robotic precision train yourself in that way. Basically, how do you build your ability to take action? You just do it. It's a muscle. You exercise in it. You exercise it and it gets stronger is what I mean. So I call it your do muscle. In my book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. Just build it. There's no need to have excuses and stories around it and why you can't and why it's not fair and how you've tried before and on and on and on. You can just bleed out all your vital energy doing that, or you can start small, give yourself credit, train yourself, get into why you want it so bad, say those positive identity statements, and then do it. Take into action. Take into action. Really focus on what it's going to bring to your life, why you want it, why it matters to you, and crush it. So that brings us to the end of our episode. But before we end, we got to end with your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to take action. I mean, there's plenty of stuff in here. You know what it is? Pick one. Maybe you want to set up an if then statement. Maybe you want to experiment with some sort of precision in your routine. Because here's the thing. If you set up, say, a morning ritual, which I think everyone should do. And you carry that out with discipline, with your ability to just do it no matter what you feel like every Monday through Friday, I go for a run. Or every Monday through Friday I go to the gym. Or every Monday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I'm at the gym. Whatever it is, even if that's not in your, say, your social life or your career or an area that you're working on in the same way, it transfers over. And you can consciously transfer it over. You can say, I'm gonna bring that same kind of discipline and energy to this other area that I wanna work on. So whatever the action is, that's your choice. But the key element here is to do it. So get out there, take that action. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.