Pillar III. Patience - The 3 Pillars of Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Yeah, here you are. Here I am. Let's hang out. Talk about confidence and how you can break through to a higher level of confidence in every area of your life that's important to you. So I get excited about that. Hope you do too. And today we're gonna be talking about the third pillar of confidence. This is a three part series. This is episode three. The first pillar is. Was. Is self love. Second pillar, action. Third pillar, patience. Maybe you didn't see that one coming, but that one, after working with so many people in this process and in myself, if this is missing, it actually throws a huge wrench in the works and can actually not only slow down progress, but even stop it entirely. So very important to get this pillar and I'm very excited to share it with you. As we get into this though, I want to let you know about my live event, the ultimate confidence Breakthrough, which is happening in June in Portland, Oregon. Phenomenal time to come out to Portland. It's one of the most gorgeous cities in the summer. It is June 22nd through 24th, and I'm telling you this now because the Early Bird tickets just went on sale and the ticket for an event is normally 1997. 1997. For the three day event during the early bird, though, it is $9.97. So it's 50% off of the event. And if you listen to this show, if you've been following me for some time or you watch my YouTube videos or you've got one of my programs or you've read one of my books and it's benefited you in some way, then the event is something you really want to consider. Because there's a lot of people that come to the event that tell me at some point, like, yeah, I found you through your podcast, or I've been listening to the show and they're like, being here is very different than Listening to it on my own, or I'm doing things here that I struggle to do on my own, or it just, it rapidly accelerates growth, progress to go somewhere for three days, put focus on it and you already kind of know me and know what it's like to be around me and imagine being able to hang out with me for three days, where the entire environment is designed consciously to create rapid shifts in these areas of confidence. So it's a very powerful experience. It's one of my favorite things to do with people. This event, the ultimate confidence breakthrough, is focused on some core elements of confidence, which is how to really go after what you most want, how to stop caring so much what other people think of you, how to eliminate your fear of like, embarrassment and rejection and all those forces that stop us from going after what we want. And how to be less nice and more you, more bold, more outspoken, more powerful. This event is a lot about power and you can use that in every area of your life. Your social life, your dating life, your career, it doesn't matter. But once you have that core power and this lack of fear of what others are going to think of you, or if that fear is there, you just push it aside and go, that is a superpower. I'd love to share that with you. I'd love to experience that with you. So go to confidenceunleashednow.com confidenceunleashednow.com event and you can get yourself an early bird ticket there. You can also go to the shrinkforthshyguy.com site and under this episode, there'll be a link to that as well. So get that soon. And I would love to see you in person in Portland. Now, let's talk about the third pillar of patience. So you are following the first pillar. You're being on your own side. You're taking up more action. Problem solved, right? If you're just on your own side and you take action, that's the whole name of the game. What else do you need? Why does there need to be a third pillar? Why can't it just be two pillars? Well, yes and no. You are going to make a lot of progress. You are going to be treating yourself well, so you're not going to be turning on yourself. But it depends. Like, even if you're taking action and even if you're working on self esteem and self compassion, there is a time component to this process. That growth takes time, transformation takes time. Whether it's a butterfly, you know, a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. And A chrysalis or a tree, an oak tree transforming from an acorn to a massive oak. That process takes time. And that process, in many ways the time is set. Like however long it takes a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly. I don't know that. Is it like a week? I don't know. Although I do. I did remember reading that they turn into some sort of like liquid inside of the chrysalis. It's like jelly inside of there. They break apart into nothing and then reabsorb from like this worm like creature, caterpillar. Just like this sludgy, fuzzy, cute thing that comes out as a freaking butterfly. And all the cells know how to just like rejigger themselves. That just blows my mind. And there's something about like they're somehow impacted by the sun or the moon. I was reading as well that somehow the positioning of the celestial bodies impacts the way that the transformation unfolds. Some crazy shit. That transformation is magical. And guess what? So is yours. And yours similarly follows certain timelines that you don't have direct control over. Now here's what you do have control over. Are you being on your own side and are you taking action? And of course, you know, you got some control over the throttle. Because if you're taking action once a month, that's going to be very different than if you're taking action once a day. But even if you're taking action once a day, you don't have immediate control. You can't, like, you know, you can feed the oak tree the acorn, you can put it in the ground, you can put it in great soil, give it nutrients, give it water, give it sunlight, you know, give it everything it needs and it will grow more rapidly, it will flourish, but it doesn't automatically turn into that big oak tree in like a month or two or even a year. Takes like, it depends on how big of an oak tree we're talking about. It could be taking 30, 40, 50 years. Now, fortunately, your transformation is not going to take that long. And there's not really even an end point to it as well. But some major breakthroughs in your life, the things that you're really working on do operate in a longer time frame, typically months and sometimes years. That's the time frame that I have seen in myself and a lot of clients, even the most rapid action takers, it's months and years. Certain things are years, a lot of things are months. And there's growth along the way, but you're not done in a week. And the Reason this is so important is because you gotta look and ask yourself, am I demanding immediate results? So sometimes. Remember in the last episode we talked a lot about discomfort and the lack of action is just a lack of willing to be uncomfortable. And so we're like, fine, fine, I get it. I gotta get to the other side. I'll take all this action, but I'll do it. But just for a little while. And we treat it like a diet or something. Like, okay, I'll really restrict my calories, but only for like a week or two. Or just until I lose those X pounds and can fit into my, you know, my suit or whatever it is you're doing your crash diet for. Just wouldn't recommend that strategy. But, you know, people do it and we kind of have this like, I'm going to white knuckle it through this time period and then I can go back to, quote, normal. And that's not how you want to see it, right? It's like, no, this is like a permanent change. You don't want to look at a crash diet. You want to look at permanent change in your lifestyle and your health that you can sustain forever. When does it end? Never. That might change and evolve. Your diet might change and evolve as you grow. But it's always, like, tweaks and enhancements upon these core principles. You're not going back to, like, eating really shitty food and lots of it. So same thing with this. It's like, okay, I'll do a bunch of action for the next week and if I don't see results, then fuck it. Now you might say, well, that sounds silly. Like, who does that? All of us. All of us do that. We just aren't conscious of it. We say, no, I'm ready to do it. Yeah, here I go. I'm really ready to do it. That's what we consciously think. And then we hit a snag. We get a rejection, or we get a they don't want to interview us, or we mess up something, or we try to be more assertive and we say no. And then someone gives us a hard time. Something happens, it's uncomfortable, and we're like, oh, geez, wow, that's more uncomfortable than I thought. Okay, but you know what? I'm really ready. I'm motivated. At least I'm taking action. You give yourself some credit for the small actions and you do it. And then you get another discomfort, though, and then another one. And now it's been like a week and you've tried four times and you haven't got a date or whatever. And you're like, ah, man, this keeps hurting. Shit's not working. I need to find 85 more strategies online. What's the quick fix? Is there a supplement that can help me with this? And we start getting into impatient mode. It's like, dude, you've been doing it for like a week. And it's funny because every other thing, like talk about the oak tree or the butterfly, everyone's like, oh, of course, yeah. Have you ever talked about an instrument? Like, you want to learn the guitar? And someone's like, yeah, I've been playing, man. I played four times this week and I'm still not awesome at it. It's like, you've never done that before. Like what? We know it's absurd in any other area, but when it comes to this stuff, we are somehow weird about that. We expect immediate results. Maybe because it's like changing our behavior and our personality or our way of being in the world. And it seems so malleable. And in one way it is. I mean, you can do any kind of behavior you really could. The only thing that stops us is fear. And unwilling to be uncomfortable. If I were to say, jump up and down on one foot right now and say, booga booga booga booga booga here, I'm going to do it right now. You want to do it with me? Here we go. One, two, three. I'm jumping up on one foot. Booga booga booga booga booga. That's kind of fun. Maybe I'll do that with my boys during my lunch break. So you can do that. And that might be a very interesting way to start a conversation, but you can do that. And so we see this. Such massive flexibility. And if you couldn't do that, Interesting, right? What restrictions do you have? They're all mental though, right? It's just an emotional invisible force that's keeping us. So some part of us sees that our behavior is so flexible. So we're like, geez, if my behavior is so flexible, if I can go walk over to this person, I should just do it all the time. And the truth is that it's a process. We have to learn to work with ourselves. We have to learn to set up heavens. We have to learn to be able to overcome the fear consistently. So don't demand immediate results, set realistic expectations. Think in terms of months and years and any need to have I need it now, I'll talk to. Sometimes people are like, I need this one woman. You need to tell me what to say to make her want to go out with me. First of all, dude, I'm not a pickup artist. They might have some better ideas than I do. I'm about you developing yourself to be the best person you can be so you can consistently attract high quality people in your life and ultimately choose the best partner for you. If you're interested in playing that game, then let's talk. But I don't know, a one liner. Tell her that she's unappealing to you and you can do better. See if that paradoxically makes her want you. There's a great Family Guy where Stewie learns that women like it if you're critical of them. Kind of. He learns about negging, which is sort of bringing down a woman's self esteem through a criticism. So she more likely feels lower value and therefore wants to re establish her value and sees you as higher value. Really high quality stuff for building solid relationships. Anyway, it's funny because in that episode of Family Guy, he does it in this really blunt, obviously not very effective way, like you look stupid and nobody likes you or something like that. And all of a sudden she's like, oh, swoon. So I should go look that up, find out exactly what he says. But it was absurd. So maybe someone could do that. But that's not. We don't. There's that urgency, like, I need to figure this out right now. That's good. You want to use that because that's going to get you in action. But use the I want to slim down for summer urgency to make a permanent change in your lifestyle. Use the I gotta get this person to like me to make a permanent change in your ability to be a more charged masculine man that can attract women in his life or a more feminine woman that can draw men to you. Like really make the changes to yourself and grow. Develop yourself. So notice these expectations. I said a lot of them are unconscious. That impatience is expecting immediate action is unconscious. So just notice your emotional reaction to setbacks. It's really strong. It's really dramatic. Usually you're demanding something, you're wanting it now. And that's where patience comes in. And this is such an important pillar, it's almost like a spiritual level to this personal growth development stuff. Because we have to find some way to let go of needing control and seeing that. Look, I have influence in the direction of my life, but do I control every moment and every outcome? No. Well, what does Something much bigger than you, and whether for you that's God or the great mystery or Just the mass, extreme complexity of all of these elements and cells and organisms smashing together on this planet, spinning around a sun that's a fucking continual explosion of atoms. I mean, this is insanity, right? It's the great mystery. So whatever it is, just, we have to defer to that. Daoists would call it the dao. We have to defer to that. That means you take action, but you also know your place. You submit to this bigger force. So here are some tips on how to do that. Before I share those. One way to really accelerate your growth and get this stuff faster, while I'm talking about patience is good. But there is a way to accelerate the throttle would be to come to the live event in June. June in Portland, June 22nd through 24th. The ultimate confidence breakthrough. Another plug for that. Come check it out. Seriously, I know there's a few of you listening right now that are really like, oh, man, that sounds exciting, but that's so scary. I don't know anyone there. It's like, that's okay. You know, we create an environment, people, I'm not gonna lie to you, people are nervous on the morning of the first day. They're like, ugh, what is this? Why should I have come here? And then by, within an hour, we got everyone relaxed. And by after the lunch, the first lunch break, it's like a totally different room full of people. People are opening up. And then by Saturday, people are like hugging each other. It's really awesome. And we're all there to work on this very thing. How do we free ourselves? How do we. More confident? It's a very unique environment. I don't know anything out there that's this tailored for this stuff. So if you're drawn in any way, take the leap, take the risk. You won't regret it. So go to confidenceunleashednow.com event or just go to my website, Social Confidence center, and there's an events tab at the top. You can check out the details about the event and get it during the early bird. Okay, so let's talk about some ways to have develop this patience. One is you want to be committed to the larger goal. Right? You know, so if you want to build your. Let's say you want to be in a relationship. And so it's going to take being uncomfortable and approaching people you're attracted to and learning how to see what you want and say no and have difficult conversations and develop real relationships until you find the right person for you. That's a process. It's not going to Happen tomorrow, no matter how bad you want it, no matter how much rapid action you take. You're not going to find your life partner tomorrow unless today is the day or tomorrow is the day that you do. But we don't have control over that. Right. So you're committed to that larger goal, though. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get there. Level 5 commitment. We talked about that in the last episode. So you're committed to the overall larger goal, but you are unattached to each outcome along the way. They call this outcome independence. That means each individual outcome, your happiness, your sense of progress, or am I doing the right thing? Is independent of each of those outcomes. So, yes, overall, I'm committed to creating an extraordinary relationship. If this person doesn't want to talk to me, that's okay. I don't need everyone to talk to me. I'm just looking over time to create that relationship in my life. So you're committed to the overall goal, but you let go. And this is. I mean, this is another spiritual practice to be able to let go and a simple technique. Although if you want to go deeper with this, check out Letting Go by David Hawkins. That's a great one. Anything that's Buddhist really will help you. Eckhart Tolle is really good for helping you let go too. I found his books to be, I don't know, kind of intense. Something about them, like cold or something. But then one way that I love to take in his teachings is actually videos on YouTube. If you look up videos of him on YouTube, so different. He uses so much humor in his. It's like recorded talks of him. I listen to like a 45, 30, 40, an hour long talk, whatever of him. You know, it's usually during a meditation or something. And he's just talking and doing a spiritual teaching and he's laughing all the time. He's making the audience laugh. There's just such a lightness that I really appreciate that really helps me that I didn't feel in the books. The books, you know, he kind of gets his ideas out in a really more serious manner. But, you know, those really are powerful for people. So check out either the YouTube or the books, but some spiritual teacher that helps you let go. And at the core of it, you know, you want to develop more body awareness. So when you're really needing something like, I need that person to text me back, I need that job, I need that boss to approve of me. Pay attention in your body where you feel that constriction, where you Feel that need. That's information. That is where you need to relax and let go of the constriction in your body. Learn from failures. This is another one. So failures are inevitable. They're happening ideally many times because you're taking lots of actions and a failure might be you get a rejection, you don't get what you want. You try to have a conversation and it's awkward, whatever. You try something new and it doesn't work out that you want to learn from them. That's how we have more patience. Because if it's like, oh, that shouldn't have happened, well, that makes us feel like we're not on track. Things aren't going the way they're supposed to. This is not going to work out versus, like, no, this is part of the process. I just need to learn from this. And each one you learn from, you progress, you grow. Another one is sometimes along the process. Well, here's how the process works. There's stages, and at each stage there's a problem or set of problems that you have to solve to get to the next stage. So if you consist, let's say you want deeper friendships. First you need to learn how to be able to have more casual conversations with people. Then you need to learn how to take those conversations deeper, but you're still not friends with them. Maybe you just have a deep conversation with someone at a party, doesn't mean you're friends. Then you have to learn how to ask them to hang out and follow up with people and have different social engagements with them and then spend time with them. And then you need to figure out, how do I find out who my people are, who are my friends, what kind of friendships do I want, and who are the right people? And then you need to take the risk of being more transparent with them and sharing more about what's going on in your life and see how they respond to it and if they reciprocate. And each of those is a step in the pathway, and each of those, there's a set of problems to solve. Maybe you need conversation skills. Maybe you need to know how to ask questions or what to say next, all that stuff. And by the way, hands down, the best way to learn that is in my program, Confidence University, which at the time of this recording, I don't know exactly where we'll be in the release of it. It should be very soon from the time that you're hearing this, so I'm very excited to share that with you. That is my opus. The greatest thing that I've created to date. It was going to be this kind of thing I put together, like, oh, yeah, I'm going to add that to my list of products that I sell. And then it became a magnificent obsession where I was like, I'm gonna make this the best thing ever, and I'll tell you more about it at some other point. But anyway, we teach you a lot in there about the pathways, Social mastery, pathway, dating mastery, career acceleration, all that stuff. In any case, just know that every. You're gonna. It's just a series of problems that you need to figure out and solve. And every problem has a solution. Every problem has a solution. You just have to find it and then practice it and learn it and move on each step of the way, moving forward. And here's the thing, you solve one set of problems, and then another set of problems is waiting for you. You finally, finally learn how to ask women out. Let's say you're a man interested in women. You finally learn how to ask women out. Hooray. All my problems are solved. And they say yes. I don't just mean you get a bunch of nos, but you ask women out, they say yes. And you're able to connect and flirt a little bit. Now you have to figure out the problem of how to do first dates. Maybe you can create a little bit of excitement or energy and get a number and get to that first date. But on the first date, you clam up or it somehow doesn't go well, or they don't want a second date with you. So you have to solve that problem. But hey, having first dates that don't go anywhere is a higher quality problem than not having anyone to date. And as you progress down the pathway, you have higher and higher in quality problems. So this is all about patience because it helps you realize that if you're facing a problem somewhere along your pathway, whatever ones you're working on, it's not like, oh, this is wrong, this isn't. It shouldn't be happening. It's like, no, that's life. Whatever is going on in your life, there's going to be a set of things that you need to solve. And if you're in a moment right now where there's nothing, absolutely nothing that needs to be solved in your life, everything is perfect. Your health is perfect, your relationships are going amazing, your house is in perfect shape, your job is going incredible, everything about your kids is going perfect. Everything. All your machinery and your technology and everything is going 100% exactly how you want it to Go, eh. Give it a day or 2. Your wifi will break. Can I fucking get on that just happened to me over the weekend. It didn't break. I broke it. Messed with my. Messed with my Airport Extreme Extender. Did. Did something in the settings just, you know, total. Like, I shouldn't be in this menu because I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm just. I think I know what I'm doing. Oh yeah, totally. It's like the equivalent of a guy being like, I can fix the, I can fix the, the leak in the plumbing myself. Oh God, it's leaking everywhere, right? It was like, oh God, the Internet's broken. So I had to get on the phone with the Comcast and then with Apple, it was like an hour and a half. Say no problems, man. Problems. Anyway, nothing wrong with them. Part of life. So one other element I just want to bring us back to, as I talked about a little bit earlier, is the great mystery. And just that's it, man. It's your life unfolding. This is your life unfolding. And we don't know, you don't know how it's meant to unfold. And so often we can have a preference like, this should be this way, just like that. And we're tantruming inside because it's not going the way we want it to. It's like, yeah, but who knows the unfoldment of your life? Who really knows what's next in store? Now you can have goals, you can have direction. And the more you're taking power in your life and you're going after what you want and you're being on your own side, that feels good because you have influence and you can create what you want more and more. But you. You don't know what's meant to unfold. You don't know the rate your creations are meant to come out. You don't know what the very next thing after the thing that you're thinking about is going to be. It's like a river. You got to flow with it. And that's the beauty of it, man. That's the great mystery. That's you discovering your life as it unfolds. And as long as you're fully engaged in it, you're not hiding and playing small, but you're playing big. Then it feels really good. And you just got to embrace that mystery. So that is the third pillar of confidence, patience. These three pillars, if you practice these, self, love, action and patience, you will create confidence. You will create an extraordinary level of Confidence. And it will be unending confidence. You'll just keep building it and building it and building as you work on these three. So I'm so excited to share these with you. If you want more, come join me in Portland. I would love to see you. I love the live events. Man, the room is so charged after three days, people go home. I just love the emails I get, the stories that I hear afterwards of first of all, while we're at the event, while we're there, we have people go out in the world and do stuff. And I love hearing the stories, the breakthroughs, the new things, that I've never done this before. And then when they get home, just like hearing about people crushing it and feeling inspired and it just really fulfills me. And I would love to share that experience with you. So if you're on the fence, take the leap and join us and you won't regret it. And it'll be great to meet you in person. So go to confidenceunleashednow.com event and I'll hopefully see you there. And oh, before we go, put this into action, eh? Time for action. Action, action. Here's your action step for today. This is an interesting one. I want you to think about one failure or bad thing in the past that happened. Either it was a failure on your part or just something should have gone another way and it didn't. Or this problem should have never happened in my life. Some problem, something that was like, bad or wrong that you labeled as toxic or negative or unhelpful or threw your life off the course it was supposed to go. Once you've thought of that thing, I want you to really think about this and maybe even write a few sentences in a journal or something about what came from that event that actually serves you in your life. What came from that event that actually has helped you grow or benefited you in some way. Even if it wasn't pleasant, even if it was uncomfortable, it wasn't pleasurable or comfortable, it. It forged you in some way that benefits you to this day. You know, in a previous episode, I talked about my experience with chronic pain and all that stuff. Like, man, I would have thought of that stuff as problems that shouldn't have happened. Negative events that have detrimentally affected my life. And now I look back and I'm like, thank God that happened. It shaped me. It created who I am today in such a powerful way. I am so extremely motivated and driven to find solutions because of the intensity of some of the problems that I faced. And now that I'VE solved those problems. Now I can take on bigger problems by choice. Voluntary problems that are like the big goals that I want to set. Because you set a big goal I want to achieve blank. I want to reach so many people across the world with my books and with Confidence University. It's a huge goal right now. What do you got? You just got a series of problems to solve till you get there. So you built my problem solving muscle. It helped me see through the cultural hypnosis, it helped force me to learn and see through some of the lies of mainstream medicine and other things that tell you you're broken and it's your genes and I'm sorry, and you have to take this medicine forever. And I learned. Wait, that's not true. And I learned a sense of empowerment. And it helped me radically shift my diet to way healthier than I ever would have eaten. All because of that problem. All because of that pain. So what is it for you? What's the thing in your life that was terrible, quote, unquote, that shouldn't have happened? That actually looking back, whether it's one year ago or 10 years ago, you look back and you're like, wow, that led to this, led to this, led to that. Think on that until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.