Plan C: Assertiveness Tools for Daily Life

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, we're going to be talking about assertiveness. Yeah. Speaking up for yourself and really getting to the nuts and bolts of how to do it, when to do it, how to do it in the most effective way and really give you some tools and strategies that will help you. Because, I mean, I go incredibly in depth into this. In my book Not Nice, there's a whole chapter about speaking up and details about how to do it at work and your social life and your dating relationships. Lots of examples. So if you want the full course, you know, go there for that. Not nice. You can get on Amazon and Audible, but today I want to give you some tools because ultimately, it's about facing your fear. Ultimately, ultimately, it's about doing what scares you. Just like building your dating life and approaching someone you're attracted to and being able to go on dates more as yourself. Ultimately, it's about doing the thing that scares you and taking the risk. The risk to approach the risk, to ask out the risk. To be more you on the date and say more of what you think and ask more of what you really want and share yourself more authentically. So that's the ultimate step. However, that can be hard because the reason we don't want to take the risk, the reason we hesitate is because we're afraid of a negative outcome. Rejection, problems. And so when we have a good strategy. You know, for me, when I first approached women, I needed a pickup line. And once I learned those. And no, not like cheesy pickup lines like, did you hurt when you fell from heaven? But more just like a question. I could ask her something like that. Like, I remember I used this opinion opener, they called it in the pickup artist stuff that I was reading. But, you know, go up to her and say, hey, can I get your opinion on something? And then you ask her a question. And it could be whatever, but they often Introduce relationship themes or topics or whatever. The example I heard and did it a few times, but it didn't really ever feel right for me. But my friend is in a relationship and his girlfriend found a picture in his desk that he had of his exact. And she was upset about it, like, is that legit? And so, you know, you get them talking about relationships. And the idea is that it's an interesting, potentially juicy conversation. And, you know, you can do those. Those are training wheels. That's a strategy. I eventually liked more basic stuff like, hey, what are you eating there? Or what's that? Or what do you got? Or what are you drinking? Or that's interesting. Where'd you buy that? Like, more basic? Because that allowed me to just flow more naturally without having to have this extended conversation about this made up friend. But those training wheels help me eventually go start conversations. And similarly, when it comes to assertiveness, saying just go do it, which is the ultimate solution, sometimes it's not. It's hard to apply that solution. So let's talk about some strategies. The first one is, well, when do you do it? Do you bring it up in the moment? Do you actually, before we get into that, where in your life could you benefit from being more assertive? Because we want to make this real for you in this episode, not just abstract. So think about it right now. Is it a workplace situation? Is it asking for more of what you want in a certain work situation? Or saying what you don't like? What's not working? Is it bringing up a problem or breakdown in communication or systems that you have at your workplace that you need to talk through with somebody? What and where at work might you need to be more assertive? And maybe in your love life with a partner, with a spouse, with a girlfriend or boyfriend, people you're dating? And assertiveness doesn't necessarily have to be. Listen, Bob, here's where we're having conflict, all right? It could just be, you say a little more directly what you think about a topic when it comes up. That's assertiveness. That's speaking up for yourself. It's not necessarily even confrontation. It's just being more real, more direct, more expressive. So just think about it. Is it dating relationships? Is it with friends? And try to come up with at least one situation in your life where it would benefit you to be more assertive and maybe multiple. Because then when we talk about it, you're going to be able to reflect and think about these exact scenarios in your life and are going to be that Much closer to going and doing it, rather than keeping it abstract and separate from your life. It's like, oh, I'm listening to something interesting. Oh, here's my regular life. Well, no connection there. It's like, no, we want it to be a direct relationship so you can use what you're learning here literally today or tomorrow in your life. So the main thing is, well, when do I be assertive and then how do I be assertive? And one of the best ideas that I learned about when to be assertive, it didn't come from an assertiveness book or training or even my own experience. It came from a book about parenting and it's called the Explosive Child. And my wife read it and then I listened to a chunk of the audiobook version of it because one of our kids would fall into that category, I suppose, in the sense that he can go from 0 to 60 very fast and then freak out about really small things and then might be hitting or screaming or yelling. And it was kind of like, whoa, okay, how do we deal with this? And so that book was very helpful. And in it the author talks about plan A, B and C. And we're going to apply this to being assertive too. So plan A is the go to plan for most parents when their kid's being freaking out or being totally unreasonable, like, he's got more blueberries than me now, I'm going to hit him and scream and punch him in the face. It's like, dude, you can't do that, right? So plan A is when you butt heads and they say something and you're like, no, you cannot do that. And you come in with whatever force is needed to try to get your way. So grab, restrain, shame, yell, whatever, forceful, aggressive, it doesn't matter. Just like, listen, this is how it's going down. This is plan A, motherfucker. And that might work with a child who is less strong willed or more timid. But with an explosive child, especially when they've totally lost it, you might not even be able to because that energy is not grounding, right? It's even more arousing and scary to them if a parent gets really upset. So then they might just totally spin out and start freaking out. And our kids are young at the time of recording this, they're almost 3 and 5. But in the book they got examples of 9, 10, 11, 12 year olds and you can't browbeat them and try to control them in the same way when they're four and a half versus ten and a half. And the ten and a half kids can just, like, do way more crazy shit and say more stuff, and it can get way more intense. So plan A, where you kind of butt heads. The author is suggesting against it. And that's often the case with assertiveness, too. Like, if you want to be assertive in the situation, someone does something and your inner response is like, you what? All right, I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. And then you just. That's like the angry email, the sarcastic text, the cutting comments, where it just feels really good to write it, but you're probably like, I probably shouldn't send it. And then you use some assertiveness rationale, like, no, it's important for me to say how I feel. Send. Yeah. Oh, man, that's gonna be bad, right? So watch out for plan A. And we'll get into being assertive in the moment, though, too. But there's a way to do it more effectively. Plan B is the other approach that people take with their explosive kids is they're just like, ugh, whatever. Like, we can't just give him what he wants. Just give her what he wants. She's just making a scene. Just make it go away. Fine, fine. Take the extra ice cream. Fine, fine. Have the thing. Just. Okay, fine. You get double the blueberries of your brother. Whatever, Just make it stop. And they just try to give the other person whatever they want and not confront the issue at all. And this is a. You know, when it comes to assertiveness is a very passive mode of being, and it might be where you have lived for many years, you just avoid all conflict by giving everyone what they want and, oh, you want me to work more? Okay, I'll work more. You want me to do that thing? Okay. Oh, I want to do that. Okay, I'll do that. You know, you want to take the time off and I'll stay here longer. Okay, that's fine. And you do that at work. You might even do that in your home life or family life. And so other people end up getting more, you know, your kids or your spouse or whatever. People might have more time, more freedom, more opportunities, more everything than you. And you're like, well, you know, sure, well, whatever you need. That's living as plan B, obviously, suboptimal as well. Enter plan C. So this is what the author suggests is in the moment of when the kid's losing it, if you either talk to them in the moment or you talk to them later. And you could do a quick read on the situation. If he's, like, totally freaking balls about the blueberries, you're not gonna come in there and be like, let's have a conversation about blueberries. And I've seen parents do this who have learned some communication strategies and tools, and it's way better than just shaming and scaring your kid or just being totally permissive and not having any boundaries at all. But it also sort of doesn't quite work that well. They're like, okay, let's talk about. Hey, alright. Yeah, yeah, you want the blueberries? Okay, I get it. I get it. Again, let's just have a conversation about the blueberries. So how do you feel when your brother has the blueberries? Yeah. Do you feel. You feel upset, yet you want to hit him in the face? I understand. All right, now let's see here if we can come up with an effective solution together as a team to solve this problem. And again, none of that's wrong. It's just in that moment, it might just be totally not not working. The kids are just freaking out. They can't listen to you. They can't have this conversation. They're not adults. They can't pull together. And even adults might not be able to pull together in a moment of upset. So if they're a little more calm, a little more reasonable, you might be able to have that conversation. But really the idea is that in the moment, you say something, but you don't have the more extended conversation about it. So you might be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, dude, dude. All right, okay, okay. Can't hit your brother. I gotta stop that. We're not. We're not. We're not gonna let you hit your brother. No, I know you're upset about that. Here, come here. Come here. I got you. I got you. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah. You want more blueberries? I hear you. I got you. Let's figure it out. We got you. You're okay. Here we go. And you're just really intervening as needed. But in that case, I might be doing a little bit of plan B, right? I'm just kind of letting his behavior happen, although I'm setting some boundaries, so it's not gonna hurt his brother. And in the case of assertiveness, this might be. Someone is like, you need to do this and you need to do that and blah, blah, blah, blah. Or they're condescending to you, or they're critical, or they're harsh, and you're just kind of like, whoa, okay, all right. You want me to take care of that all right? Yep. I can get that to you by Friday. Okay. Right. Because in that moment, it's really intense. You don't know what to say. They're coming at you hot. And if you respond, you feel like you get into plan A, conflict, confrontation. So you might just kind of roll with it. But here's why this is different than plan B. Because you ain't done. Oh, no, I'm not done with you. And that's when you're actually gonna go follow up and have a deeper conversation with them. So that means the next day or later that day or later that week, you go to them and you say, hey, Bob, I wanted to ask you about something. And, like, what I noticed when we smoke on Thursday, you wanted me to do X, Y, and Z. And you came and told me that. And you seemed really frustrated and upset when you were bringing that up with me. And my sense is that you were angry at me when you were doing that. And you were coming in pretty hot, pretty charged. In my office. Pause. So there's a lot going on there, right? I am referencing the thing that happened. I'm giving a little bit of details. Like you asked me for X, Y, and Z on Thursday so they can know what we're talking about. You're not saying. Bob. You're always upset. Bob. Why are you. Stop being so upset with me. Stop treating me that way, Bob. Because it's so vague. There's nothing they can point to. Nothing you can point to. And then it's kind of like, you know, if you generally assign someone a character label, like you're angry, people are gonna resist that and be like, no, I'm not. Or defend themselves. Even if they don't even know why, even if it's true, they're gonna defend themselves. It's like a human impulse to defend those accusations. So you speak, you point to the exact incident when, blah, blah, blah, and you came into my office and you had that request to do that stuff. Then you describe what was happening, and you try to do this limiting value judgments. Like, you came in really shittily or just totally unacceptable. It was like you just described what was happening. You seemed angry, you were coming in charged. And maybe, you know, maybe you raised your voice at me or you criticized me, or you said this about me or whatever like that. And the more specific you can be about what they were doing, as if it was a camera recording what happened. You were describing what was visible on the screen. The more power you're going to have. And then notice how After I said that, I just paused. So I talk about this a lot more in not nice, where when you're bringing up a source of conflict, when you're basically confronting someone, you don't want to say it all at once. Sometimes people are very uncomfortable with the confrontation, the act of assertiveness. So they prep themselves, okay, here we go. And they rehearse it. And then they say their whole thing like, Bob, you treated me improperly. I did not like the way you treated me, and in the future I want you to treat me better and blah, blah, blah, blah. And they have their request and they have everything all in, in one long sentence. And then they hope that the problem is just solved. But here's the thing. If you want to become more powerful and more assertive at work, in your relationships, everywhere, you need to be going into it and you need to be willing to sit in there and hang out in it. Yes, it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for you, it's uncomfortable for them, it's uncomfortable for everybody, but it's necessary. So after I pointed out what he did, I, I just stand there looking at him or her, whoever I'm being asserted with in this case, it's Bob. And see what they say. Do they defend themselves, do they apologize, do they whatever, just notice because now you are engaged in that conversation with them and then, I mean, you're not necessarily done based on what they say. You might want to say more, you might want to let them know how that affected you. I was working with a client around this in the Mastermind program, and she had a supervisor in her workplace who could be very short and harsh and kind of dismissive and a little condescending. Not all the time, but just when she was in a stressed out state. That's how she would treat people on the team, including my client. And so we had her practice this and bring it up. Like I noticed yesterday when we were in that meeting, you seemed short and tense, almost like you were upset with me. And then she noticed how her boss responded. And then we had her practice sharing what the effect was. Well, when you do that, I notice I get really stressed out myself. And then I start to feel less able to carry out my work because I'm worried about making a mistake and at you harshly criticizing me for it. And so I get more tense and my productivity goes down because I'm afraid of taking risks or taking actions because I might make a mistake. So she's sharing what the effect is on her. So that's what you can share in a situation like that that helps the other person notice what the effect of that behavior is on you. And this again, when you share that, notice how they respond all. Are they being like, oh, yeah, I get it, I'm sorry, or oh, yeah, I know, I was stressed out. Are they taking ownership? Are they responding to what you're saying? Cause if so, great, it's going well. You don't need to do anything else at the end. You can just follow up with, yeah, so I'd love to figure out a different way to handle this. And then you want to enroll them in problem solving with you. Like, is there a way that we could, like, how can we do this? What can you do next time when you're upset? And then getting understanding of what's going on for them too. Like, okay, so you stormed in my office. You were really upset. Were you upset at me that I dropped the ball somewhere? What's going on? Maybe they'll say, no, I'm not upset with you. I'm just frustrated because I got blah, blah, blah on my plate. And then I found out that I have to do this other thing. And so I just come in and I'm upset. Okay, so you're not upset at me. You're upset about X, Y and Z. Okay, well, I'm wondering what's a different way to have communication when you're upset with me? Because the way you did it, I didn't like that doesn't feel good to me. And then you can problem solve together. And this is what you do with a kid. This is what we've done with our 5 year old. 4 year old. When he was 4, we started doing this with Zaim, my son, where, okay, and this is the next day. And he'd be like, hey, I noticed yesterday when we were having the blueberries yesterday morning and it seemed like Moni had more than you, you got really upset. What's up with that? Again, kind of a neutral stimulus. Or just share what happened and then share the question, what's up? And try to not like, what's wrong with you? Just like, what's up with that? Or what happened? Or what was going on? And you're just curious and see if he shares. And oftentimes, if it's not the heat of the moment, he'll say, like, I didn't like that Monty had more than me. Ah, right. So you had each of you got a cup of blueberries and Monty's cup had more than your cup. Yeah. And I didn't like that okay. And you wanted it to change. And so in that moment, you got really angry and you wanted to hit him. Yeah. Okay, well, let's see if we can problem solve this. How can we solve this? What's another way to solve that problem? When Monty has more blueberries than you, and instead of coming in with the solutions right away, you are actually actively problem solving. And this is amazing training for kids because then they realize they can be part of the solutions to problems as well. And I've talked to people who've run their families this way and parented their kids this way for many years. And then it's amazing, by the time they're like 11 or 12, they're like, having these discussions where I'm just like, you guys are from another planet. Who talks in their family this way? We didn't talk in my family. Was like, dude, shut up. Just do it. You know, like, okay, yes, dad. And they're like, you know, respecting their kids and listening to their viewpoint. But the kids have, like, legitimate solutions to the problems because they're in the situation. They're not stupid. Right. They're intelligent young person. It's just like they've been treated as if, oh, no, adults are going to solve your problems. You don't know what you're doing. But if you foster something different from a young age, they can be way more expressive and intelligent. And then he comes up with different ideas of what he can do. Maybe he can ask me for more blueberries, or he can say, I don't like what's happening, or whatever. You come up with a solution together. And this would be sort of an agreement when it comes to more assertiveness and communication with adults. But you can come up with an agreement with a kid, too. What is basically like, okay, so in the future, when this happens, let's do this. Does that sound good? Does that seem like something that would work for you? So you make the agreement and then you follow up and ask them, is that possible? Is that something that you could do? Is that a way that you can handle this in the future? Great. Because then here's the thing, though, that people sometimes don't realize is when you made that agreement, you might not be done. Because whatever's going on with Bob or with my client's supervisor, it's like an internal pattern that they're going to run again. Like, one assertiveness conversation with you is not going to change their decade or more of that pattern of stress running or getting upset and blaming others or being critical or whatever. So your work is not done. And if you really want to gain power and become a more assertive person, you have to be willing to do this kind of stuff again and again and again. It's not just one and done. All right, I built on my courage. And then sometimes people build up their courage. It's uncomfortable. They have the uncomfortable conversation and it doesn't change everything. And then they feel this entitled sense of like, God. But that's not fair. I was assertive and you agreed and now we're supposed to. And I mean, you can. That's a natural response. Maybe you feel upset about them not holding their agreement and that's okay because then you want to use that upset in your next assertiveness conversation. I talked about this with a client who was being assertive with a housemate and they had a conversation about cleanliness and all these other things and he agreed. And then, sure enough, whatever, a day later, a week later, he's not following some of the agreement. And when she approaches him again, she tries to do the very passive like, oh, I noticed that this. And blah, blah, blah, which is a great way to start. But once you've had a few of these conversations, you don't have to pretend like you don't have feelings about it. You're like, dude, we talked about this last week and I thought we were on the same page. And then I got in the house and it was like a total wreck in the kitchen. And I'm frustrated. Like, you can have some energy, you can be a human, you don't have to be a robot. And so just know that the conversation might not be done after that first interaction. You might need to have more and more follow ups. And then. But though you can reference though, is that agreement that you had, hey, you know, we talked about this last time and I thought we came up with the agreement that in the future when you're upset about X, Y and Z and you come into my office instead of taking it on me, you're going to address that first or you're going to, you know, send me an email with the what you need from me as opposed to coming in and blowing up. Like, remember that agreement that we had, Bob? You're gonna reference that and you can show some emotion like, hey, I don't like that this is happening again. We have an agreement about this and I want you to follow that agreement. Or do we need to change the agreement, what's going on? And notice when you're assertive, there's a power, there's a force in you. And that can come from anger or indignation or outrage or entitlement or whatever. That's fine. But then you just translate that into more effective communication. It's gonna be much more likely to get your outcome. So let's talk about how to put this into practice. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is going to be practice being assertive. Oh yes. Oh yes, we're going there. So look for an opportunity. Today. Today. Now, if you're listening to this at 11:50pm Then tomorrow. But if it's the middle of the day, if it's the morning, today. A small opportunity doesn't have to be the big confrontation with your boss or bring up that conversation with your spouse you've been avoiding for two years. No, something small. But just get into the practice. Get into the water. Start swimming around. Because listening to this is of benefit. Doing it is where the transformation happens. So get out there and do it. Hey. Do it. Alright. Great work today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.