4 Jul 2018 · 35 min
Dr. Aziz shares how porn became his escape from childhood anxiety, then how quitting improved his emotional presence with his wife. He discusses dopamine habituation, potential erectile dysfunction, and offers one practical step: notice the urge before you act on it.
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Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about a somewhat controversial topic. In some ways, it's actually surprising that's not more controversial. And I think most people have become relatively numb or desensitized to it, like many things in our modern era. But I think it's worth talking about and it's worth having you reflect a little bit on your own experience and see what works best for you. And of course, what that topic is, in case you didn't see the title of this episode is porn. Pornographic material that could be consumed in a variety of ways. Magazines, stone tablets, or the most prevalent is just huge data pipelines of video, audio pummeling your nervous system. That's the dominant way and that's the most sort of frequently used and the most. Not only widely used, but frequently used, as in, you know, daily. More depends upon the person. So we're gonna get into it. My thoughts on it. I've had a lot of people ask me over, maybe even the last year. There's been more and more people asking my thoughts about it. And I've reflected a lot on my own experience. So this is gonna be an episode where I talk a lot about my own experience with porn, my history with it, my choices with it now, and it's just something for you to reflect on. This is not a hard and fast everyone must do X kind of approach. It's more like, look at this, because there's so much stuff that we can do that where we don't examine it. And as I've continued to grow in my own evolution, become more free, confident, connected in my heart, I've questioned a lot of things that I used to do a lot of, like drink or smoke pot or play video games or use porn. And not to say that all of those are bad. It's just looking at what serves me, what brings me closer to who I want to be how I want to live, how alive I want to feel. And we're going to look at that specifically with porn today. So first thing to look at is what's your relationship with porn right now as you're. We're having this conversation. Something you use all the time, Something you use occasionally. What is occasionally? What is a lot. You know, it's very subjective. It's kind of just you reflecting on your experience. And this, you know, this is not just men. Women experience with porn as well. Men obviously are the dominant users of porn, but there's still a lot of women impacted. And a lot of women can, you know, use it directly. But also a lot of women can be impacted by their in. You know, if they're with a man who is watching porn, there's an impact there. And we're going to get into that as well, because part of the minimizing in our culture is to say that it has no effect on anything. And yet that's questionable. But what is your current. Just so we have a baseline, your current experience, and then also what's interesting to reflect on, which I started doing more of recently. When did your relationship with porn begin? How old were you? You know, for me and for many people that I talk to, my entire understanding of sex came from porn. In my life, I had zero conversations with my parents about sex. Zero. They were not going to initiate that shit. Way too uncomfortable for them. And so I heard some in middle school about kids talking about masturbating and sex, and I just kind of tried to glean my limited understanding of what they were talking about. And then porn, right? And then, boom. Porn is like, here you go. You want to see what's going on down there? There you go. That's what everything looks like. I'm like, okay, all right. And, yeah, I think the first probably images of nudity that I even saw, like, sort of sexual images of nudity would be what I would look at on the computer. I don't think I had any access to anything before that would be. I was a computer. And maybe when I was 11 and, you know, look up pictures of different models and they'd just be posing naked, but then, you know, quickly into sex pictures. And then a friend of mine in middle school had somehow had a porn vhs. Who knows where that kid who gets it gets it from? But there it was, and we watched it, and it was strange. It was very strange. I mean, just a strange experience to be watching sex with two other boys my age, 11, 12, and also strange in the fact that the content we were watching was strange. It was like some bad 70s porn that involved space. So, like, you know, people are wearing, like, shiny metal outfits and stuff. Just didn't make sense. Nothing made sense, man. But that was that. And then, you know, my first exposure to. So I was just, like, looking at it and being like, oh, wow, I feel energy and aroused. Like, ha, ha, this is exciting. But the first actual. I didn't even know what masturbating was because no one explained anything to me. So I thought masturbating. Because I heard kids at school talk about it when I was 11. And I thought masturbating meant, like, you got an erection. Although I don't think I even knew the word erection. Then maybe just my penis gets hard. And then there's. You know, when a man is aroused, there's something called pre ejaculate, right? A little bit of fluid comes out. And I thought that was like, masturbating. I was like, oh, yeah, your penis gets hard and a little bit of fluid, a little drop or two comes out. So when kids talked about masturbating or something, and I don't know if any of them asked me or whatever, but in my mind it was like, oh, yeah, I do that too. I know what's up. And I didn't actually discover what masturbating was until, I don't know, it was 12 maybe. And we were in Washington, D.C. me and my family. For some reason, I think my dad had some work there, maybe. And then we also turned it into, like a sightseeing tour. So we're seeing monuments and stuff. And for some reason we were in a hotel room, and I'd somehow found out that there was, like the adult movie section in there. But I didn't, like, look at it or anything. Cause I was in the room with my family. Maybe I just saw it, like, scanning through the menus or something. And so then they like, my dad's out doing his business dinner or whatever. And so my mom and my brother are like, we're gonna go do blah, blah, blah. It's evening time, right? It's dinner dinner time or something. We're going to go get some blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, why don't you guys just bring me back something? I'm just going to hang out in the room. I had a plan. And so they leave. And then I'm like, I go to the menu. And I didn't want to order anything. No, I did. I did order something. It's all coming back. I haven't thought about this in a while, but at first I thought I wasn't going to order anything. I was going to look at the pictures and get. Get aroused. And I did. But then it was just so tempting, just so tempting. And some part of my mind was like, but, dude, then you're, you know, it's gonna show up on the hotel bill. Like, you know, it's not free. They're gonna see what you ordered. Maybe it says. Maybe it just says movie. But what if it says, like, adult movie? So I was like, so. But I couldn't help myself. I pressed the button and then it was, you know, people having, I think, in the hotel room. My vague recollection is probably just two women. Like a lesbian scene or something. So not maybe as intensely graphic as porn would soon become in my world, but there it was, and it was like, whoa. Like video alone. And so, you know, not just hard penis, but touching myself. And all of a sudden, like, blah, orgasm. Then I'm like, oh, my God, that. Like, what is this? And, you know, surprised. Felt good cleaned up and then was like, immediately like, oh, my God, what have I done? So I stopped the movie and I call the front desk and I'm like, I ordered the. I'm in room whatever. And I accidentally ordered the wrong movie. And the woman there probably could tell the age of me and my voice and took pity upon me and said, okay, well, we'll cancel that. Or whatever I like was, oh, thank God. So I felt relief. And this has nothing to do, I don't think, unless on some energetic level or something. Nothing to do with masturbating. But that night I got horribly sick. I was like, vomiting and who knows? I don't know what's going on. We attributed it to food poisoning. But maybe there's some weird shit moving through my psychology there. I don't know. But so then I had a little bit of, like, phobia for a while because it was like, wow, that masturbation thing felt real good. Now I know. Now I get what people are talking about. But then I was like, yeah, but it makes you, like, really sick. Even though I knew it didn't, it was kind of associated. So I was a little wary. But it didn't take me long to get up to full speed and masturbating like crazy and then finding porn online. And then, you know, and then by the time I think I was 15, 14, maybe even I had a computer in my own room, which is probably a bad Idea for a parent. I have a 14 year old with a computer in his room for the sake of massive porn consumption. Tons. And so that was my relationship with sexuality was porn. Porn and sexuality went hand in hand. I didn't learn about it any other way. And I also didn't really date in high school or college until my very end of my senior year because I had a lot of social anxiety. And so I, you know, that was it, that was it. I mean I had kissed a few girls in high school, had one girlfriend for two weeks. I freaked out at actual real connection with a woman. So it was just porn all day every. No, not all day every day, but probably once a day forever for many years. Many, many, many years. And I don't know, I'm sharing about my history in detail in the hopes that maybe it'll help you reflect on your own and just see what's there. And what I started to discover, this was only about a year to a year and a half ago, is when I started to really become a lot more conscious of my porn use, maybe even two years ago. And I was kind of like, hmm, what am I doing here? You know, is this what I want? How do I feel before and after? And what does this experience, what does this mean to me? Do I want to keep doing it? Kind of being more self reflective about it. And when I did do that self reflection, I realized that a lot of the time I would be feeling bad on some level before using porn. I would feel anxious or sad or empty or something, or overwhelmed or procrastinating because I'm scared of a project or something like that. And then I want to masturbate. So I thought, well that's an interesting. That's not how I approach most of life through avoidance and coping like that. So I was like, well that's interesting. And then afterwards, because I just avoided something or it just, I genuinely would feel like hollow and not very good afterwards. And I don't think it was like a deep moral thing, it was just like, eh, I don't know. And there's a lot to it. If you start to look at some of the research, there's a great site called thenewdrug.com, maybe it's.org I don't know, have it below this show maybe. Or not just go look it up thenewdrug.org or.com and they talk a lot about the biochemistry of porn, which I'd actually looked at maybe even more than two years ago, maybe like three years ago. @ this point and read about it and was like, yeah, that is what's happening. In case you don't know. Porn stimulates in a very drug like way, a ton of dopamine and then endogenous chemicals, endogenous opiates in your mind, like the reward pathway, like, blah. This is great energy, excitement. Ah. That's why it feels so. It can feel so exciting. Also, that's why people tend to habituate to what they're watching and need something more intense to stimulate and energize them. Also really interesting research about a lot of men in their 20s with erectile dysfunction from having been with porn since they were 12 years old. Right. So actual sex is not. Doesn't work in the same way because they've had so much thousands of repetitions of associating erections and orgasm with porn. So I started to feel that effect, like, oh, this is like a drug. This operates like a drug in me. And I systematically been removing and reducing all things that I did that were getting me away from my own heart, my own feelings. Because I found that the more I was able to be in my body and. And not run away from anything, the better my life was, the more fulfilled and content I felt. The better husband I was, the better father I was, the better coach and leader and mentor and teacher I was. I felt better as a person when I wasn't escaping things through drugs or alcohol or porn or stuff like that. So I started to examine it more and more and more and even took a few, like, I'm gonna stop using it for a while. But that's when you realize it is kind of like a drug. And so I radically reduced my use of it, especially once I got into my relationship with Candace. And then the last. And then once we had children and everything, it was just. There was just a lot less. It just felt like I was less interested in it. But I still probably would use it once a week, maybe, maybe less sometimes. And I thought, it's no big deal. Just use it once a week, whatever. It doesn't really affect anything. And then I really started to examine things at the beginning of 2018, and I was like, you know, I don't know if that's true, that it really doesn't affect anything. And besides, I wasn't that much considering how much it affected things with Candace. But it was like, for me, I don't like that I'm using this, and I'm only using it as a way to get away from my feelings. Like, I don't Want to do this anymore. It just felt out of alignment for me. So I said, okay, I'm done. And then I stopped. And then I realized, well, I got to learn how to work with if there's any cravings, what are the patterns? What are the things that make me want to use it? And I also just did some more research about the porn industry and different aspects of it and found some stuff that was, I don't know, unpleasant, painful to watch. There's a documentary called Hot Girls Wanted about young women who get into amateur porn and sort of how they're just used for, like, you know, three to six months, and then they don't get work anymore. And just like, the different scenes that they're in and how it starts out kind of exciting for them and then becomes kind of weird and manipulative. And just like, the level of disconnection these young women felt from themselves and for their own bodies. And just there's a lot of, like, use. Like, being used kind of was my perception of it. And like, oh, yeah, I'm a part of that. Like, I never really sat down and thought about. Which is crazy to think you can spend, whatever, 20 years using something and never deeply think about the. The actual people. Which is surprising to me, but not really in a way, because when we're in a state of using something, we cannot actually examine it fully because it creates too much cognitive dissonance. You know what cognitive dissonance is? That's like two opposing things at once. It creates, like, an inner tension. Like, for example, you say, john is a great person. He's a good friend of yours. I love John. And then you get some information like, John just like, you know, aggressively attacked somebody for no reason or something. You'd be like, wait a minute, hold on a second here. Like, does not compute. John is a good person. John, like, beat this person up for no reason. Confusing in my brain. And what we'll do is we will eliminate that information. Just whacked my microphone there. I got all excited talking about John beating somebody up. But, you know, you say, no, no, he didn't do that, or he must have had a good reason or whatever, right? Like, we eliminate that other information. We rationalize, we justify. And there's tons of research on cognitive dissonance. You could look it up if you like. Very interesting thing that humans do. But anyway, so, for example, if I'm watching porn and I'm partaking in porn, I can't really deeply think about the women involved and to degree, the men too. If you read some of their stories, it's not great, but you can't really think about it because then you're like, now I'm having all these fucked up, confused feelings while watching porn. I just want to numb out. I don't want to think about it. And that's the same thing with the meat industry, right? Like eating animals from horrendous conditions and food factory farms. Like, you can't really examine that and really think about that and feel that fully until you're no longer doing that. Then you can look back. That's exactly what happened to me. So when I stopped using porn, I was just like, oh, God, you know, wow, all this pain wrapped up and all the pain and the people, not everyone involved, I don't know everyone in the industry and their story, but just the stories that I saw didn't seem too great. And then also in my own self, like, how much I was avoiding a lot of pain with porn and video games when I was young, and then pot and then alcohol, how much I was trying to numb down this, like, deep ache for connection, deep ache for connection with my dad and my family, deep ache for connection with women, with connection, and even deep ache of connection with friends. Because I did have some friends. I had a really good couple of friends, but we were super, like, guarded. We were friends, but we weren't that vulnerable with each other. You couldn't really reveal what was going on or your hardships. It was just kind of like buddies. And there's a lot of pecking order and staying safe and being guarded and attacking vulnerability in others and not revealing vulnerability. So you're kind of like companions, but you're not deeply known. And I was like, at that time of my life, deeply known by nobody. And it hurt. And I was aching for that. And I dealt with that by using all these things, including porn. And so I was able to see all that as I stopped. And then what really blew me away was I had some awareness of it, but it really became crystal clear when I stopped and I talked about it with Candace. So about a month after I stopped using it, I brought that up with her and said, hey. And we hadn't talked about it that much in the last year or so, but we used to have a lot more conversations about pornography. And it always brought up pain for her, you know, and she, you know, early in our relationship, before we had kids and everything, it was really bother her, you know, that I would use porn. And I was kind of like, hey, I'm no longer A nice guy and I'm going to assert myself and this is what I do and this is my private thing. And you know, so I had boundaries around it and stuff. So she was trying to work with that. And she actually saw a counselor for a variety of reasons, but that was one of the things that she brought up and the way the counselor approached it. And I think a lot of people in society approach it as like, hey, listen, women, if you're insecure about your man using porn, you just need. It's like a personal insecurity in you and you need to heal that up because you have low self esteem. And that's kind of the approach that our counselor took. And that's the approach that she took and tried to work with it and then, you know, did so. Okay, I suppose. But what really happened is she kind of shut down and our relationship was so awesome. I mean, it was like the best relationship I could imagine. And we felt so close and we had hot sex and we made babies and it was awesome. And we still wanted to have sex even when she was pregnant, even when we had babies. And we had to wait. You have to wait a period of time after she has the baby before you can have sex again. And we're kind of looking forward to that time. So we had a very vibrant sex life. So I thought, well, you know, she's not. Everything's fine. But actually it was fine and good, but it was like 25 or 25, 30%, I don't know, 40% shut down of what it could be. So instead of being 100%, it's 68%. But I don't know that it's 68% because I don't have that comparison point because there's never been in a time relationship where I wasn't using porn. So it felt like, wow, this is great. Then I stopped. We talk about it and she has all this stuff that comes up, all the stuff that was suppressed and how she went against her own feelings to try to just cope with it. Because I was so amazing in every other way, it's kind of like, well, he's amazing in all these other ways, so just work with this thing that hurts. And then when I got to a place of like, I'm done with this, and it wasn't like, I'm done with this because you're hurting about it and I'll stop. It was like inside of me, like, I really want to be done with this. Then she really could open up and man, she like lit up and Just her energy shifted. She became very excited and open, way more open with me. And she could even within like, maybe a week, once she found out I'd stopped for about a month. And she said even she wondered what was going on, because when we'd make love, she's like, you're more present, you're more sensitive, you're more perceptive in subtle ways. And there's something. There's something going on there. And I don't know if it's just like. I don't think it's that porn was, like, somehow preventing me from being sensitive to her energy. It was that porn was shutting down my heart. Porn was just one way that I would shut down my heart. Porn pot. Other things that I would do to try to like, whoa, I'm feeling a lot in there. Let me close it down. It's too much. I don't like feeling this much. And that's been my journey for many years, but especially in the last couple years is, like, how to expand my capacity to feel even more. Even more in my heart. The awakening of my heart. I'm so glad I found an audio training by Reginald Ray, who's a meditation teacher called Awakening the Heart. Listening to it right now and doing the exercises, and it is so good for me, but it's about really being in our bodies more, being in our heart more. And so I think she's feeling that, like, when I'm making love with her, I'm more in there, and she's happy as can be now. I'm, you know, now I'm an awesome husband on all fronts, so. And it feels really good. I've had some occasional moments in there. You know, it hasn't. I've had other times in my life where I wanted to stop using porn, and I struggled. Just like I had times in my life where I didn't want to eat meat. And I struggled. But switching to veganism, like, man, year, year and a half ago now, and then also stopping porn at the beginning of 2018, both of those shifts felt very easy in some ways because it was like, oh, oh, yeah, no, I'm done. I don't want to do that anymore. It just felt like a very, very clear act of alignment with my integrity and who I want to be. So it wasn't. There were sometimes moments of challenge, but there was no. Like, this. Oh, my God, I'm so tormented because I really do want to do it. It's more just like, whoa, there's that urge. And I would have that with porn. Especially I would travel. I went to a training or something in different city and I'm alone three days in the evenings, at night in the hotel room with a laptop, that could be a trigger. And I got really clear on myself. I don't want to do this. I really don't. One of the nights I was alone and feeling uncomfortable stuff and could feel that I want to escape from my feelings with porn. So I just watched some videos on YouTube about porn and its effect on people and some of the negative effects of it. I was like, I needed to just, you know, indoctrinate myself and that helped. And then as time has gone on, there's been less and less of an urge. And really now I see that that urge to use porn or do something else, smoke pot or whatever, for me is a signal to slow down and like feel I need to feel there's something uncomfortable I need to feel, fear, sadness, whatever. And I need to slow down and tune into my heart more. And that's what's been helping me. So what are you seeing about yourself? This is a pretty open book here. Sharing of myself. What do you notice what comes up for you? Do you relate to it? Do you feel, does it stir up discomfort? Do you feel like I'm judging you or that I'm saying it's wrong and you disagree with me? Just notice whatever energy is getting stirred up in you. You know, I remember there was, I was sharing this in my one day retreat for my unstoppable confidence mastermind before one of my last live events. And I was sharing about that was pretty early, earlier in the experience. And I was talking about Candace kind of opening up more to me. And there was a guy in the group who'd really struggled a lot in relationships to really form deep connections with women. And he said, hey, listen, Aziza, I need variety, okay, as like a man, you know, genetically or evolutionarily, I need a lot of women. But you know, our society, that's not as okay unless you want to do polyamory or something. But, you know, so I need some variety and you know, so I want to have that, have a relationship and have that. I said, I get it. You know, that's something that I used to think myself as well, tell myself as well. And I thought, you know what's interesting though is if I'm getting my variety by fantasizing and visualizing and for all intent purposes like tricking my brain into thinking I'm having sex with some other woman, how motivated am I going to be to Create variety in my sex life with my partner. You could tell yourself, oh, I'm super motivated. No, not really. It's like if you're trying to eat healthy, you say, I'm just gonna have a snack of this package of Oreos. How motivated are you gonna be later to make a healthy salad? Not really. And I think the metaphor is pretty fitting there, that sex is this nourishing experience and porn is like this sort of sugary chemically thing that feels intense in my mouth when I eat it. Ugh, my stomach hurts. Right? So that's how porn is versus actual sex. And it gets complex. This episod be like five hours because we could get into. Well, if you've only. If a lot of your experience is through porn, your experience of sex is through porn, and your heart is pretty shut down, then when you do have sex, it's gonna be kind of like just getting off. There's not gonna be a deep connection there. You're not gonna slow down. Like, so when Candace and I have sex, we slow down and like, look at each other and are there with each other and we have a. I guess a little, Would you call it a culture? That's not the greatest word, but like a culture. An agreement, almost unspoken agreement between us that we can talk during sex, that we can pause during sex, that we can talk. Like, the goal is to be closer from this, not just to get our game faces on and get off. And it's like, so if you notice something in the other person or someone wants to share, you can just share what's happening. So something's coming up, like, I'm feeling anxious right now or this or whatever. Like you talk during sex and did this just the other day. And even from years of doing this with her, I still was sharing something I was experiencing and saying like. And I feel like I'm judging myself for saying this because, you know, I should be more just doing it, you know. And then she laughed because it's so absurd. But I'll still have that insecurity sometimes. But I understand that that's rare. And so a lot of people that are experiencing with dating, especially if you're like drinking or doing something to get ready for sex to kind of numb you out or build you up or whatever, and then you're just trying to have sex, it makes it a very, like, mechanical. I don't really care about you experience. And you know, in that case, it is a lot like porn, right? You know, it's just kind of getting off with some. Somebody There. And that's not something that I ever really wanted. Even when I was in a period of dating a lot of different women, I wanted to have real connections with whoever I was with and really enjoy that time and really be open and experience love in my heart, even if we weren't going to be together as a partnership. And so if we're shut down, if we've had a lot of porn or shut ourselves down in other ways, then you might not get nourished from that salad. You might not get nourished from that really healthy bowl of whatever is healthy for you, fruit and grains and such. So we're like, well, it doesn't affect things, but it does. And if you start to remove some of those ways that you shut yourself down, you'll start to be more open in sex and in connection, in relationships, in life. And there's a lot of other stories or reasons or things that I had about why porn was good and I wanted it and I needed it and so on and so forth. Just like I had a million one story why I should. And it's good and it's fine to eat meat. Actually, I didn't have a lot of those. I mostly thought, I don't want to be doing this. It just tastes so good, I can't stop. That was my main reason. And maybe some story about needing a buttload of protein, but that one's totally false. You don't need that much. And you can get it all from vegan sources, but that's a different topic. But it's something to reflect on. In fact, that brings us to how you can use this, how we can turn this into action for you today with your action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to bring more mindful awareness to your experience of using porn. So pay attention when you feel an urge to use it and just notice that, like, slow down for just 30 seconds, breathe and feel in your body, what is that? Is there an energy? Is there a tension? Is there a pressure? For me, I'd often find that there's kind of like a hollowness feeling as an excitement and an energy and a drive and desire to go use it. But there's also a hollowness or an emptiness in my heart. Notice what it is for you. Also notice some of the mental stories that are happening firing fast. I just need to, or I'm just horny, or I haven't stories I would tell myself, like, I haven't had sex in a while or I haven't dissed In a while, I need to release something, whatever, right? So just notice what those stories are and then go ahead and use porn. Pay attention to the experience. Be as mindful as you can during that experience. And then afterwards, just pay attention during the whole time. Even pause while you're using it. Just, like, reflect on, how am I feeling now? And then when you're done, how did that feel? How do I feel in this moment? What are my thoughts now? Breathing, getting more into your body and just being in your experience more. And just notice what that's like. And then if you'd like, check out thenewdrug.org, see some of the videos they have. Look around, poke around online. What's his name? He's a great. He's a comedian. He's a British guy. He played. He was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I'm blanking on his name. He's a British guy with long hair, very intelligent, very articulate comedian. Oh, if only I could remember his name. He's the rock star from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Anyway, he has got some interesting videos about porn that just. He recorded some of his thoughts on it. I really like his thoughts. They're thoughtful and articulate. But I wish I could give you his name here. I'm going to pause for a second. I'll be right back. I'm going to look his name up online. I'll be right back. Russell Brand. Russell Brand. Totally, totally knew that. Anyway, you can just look up Russell Brand and porn on YouTube. Some of his thoughts. Just kind of raise some awareness. Right? You don't have to. This episode's not like a go stop right now. What's wrong with you? It's just I've benefited a lot from looking at this, from seeing sort of the ways that it was infused with pain and also prevented me from growing to the next level. And you might be at that stage yourself. I think it ultimately can create a healthier, deeper connection with your own heart and your relationship, your romantic relationships. To really examine your relationship with porn. And Candace's experience of being. Feeling pain or hurt is not unique to her. That's actually very common in relationships and it can go both ways. But again, the largest consumers of porn are men, and the vast majority of men are heterosexual. So you have a lot of the dynamic is between men using porn and their female partners, you know, feeling pain about it. And it could be a very. It's a hard conversation to have. A really hard conversation to have when you're in it. Right. Because again, cognitive dissonance so when Candace and I used to talk about it before I was not using it. I'd have a lot of defensiveness and shame and all that stuff, so it would make it hard for me to really hear about her experience. And then when I stopped, I was able to hear a lot more because I was no longer needing to defend it. But it's a worthwhile thing to even have a conversation with your partner about it. And look, who knows, Maybe it's perfect for you and your partner loves it and you guys are totally okay with it and you feel very relaxed and this is not that applicable for you, and that's totally fine too. We just want to find what's true for you and what the next stage in your growth and your evolution is. So bring more mindfulness to your relationship and use of pornography is your action step for today. Thanks for being with me. I know this was a long one. You're awesome. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.
