Problem Focus Versus Opportunity Focus!

Do you tend to replay interactions in your own mind afterwards? Especially ones that didn't go well? You judge and think about it and I should have done this, I should have done that. Why did I do that? Is that a reoccurring problem for you? If so, watch this episode because you're going to learn how to shift out of that focus into something that's going to serve you way better. Welcome to this episode of the Art Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, best selling author and founder of the center for Social Confidence. And other stuff I do related to confidence. And this video is all about your confidence and specifically. And this comes up a lot socially. But this can happen in relationships, this can happen in your workplace. This can definitely happens in dating where what we do is we have a hyper problem focus with our minds. So after an interaction or a day work or whatever you have, you tend to go into it and start to pick it apart. And it kind of happens almost like habitually, like you're feeling okay, maybe, and then you start to drive home and you start to pick at it or you have a great date and then you start to, oh, that was fine, I feel good. And then like 10, 15, 20 minutes later, an hour later, you start to rethink it. Same thing with a party or social interaction or whatever. And the next thing you know, you can just be kind of so focused on the problems and what I did wrong. And then, you know, it can start with little things like I said that or I said that or that was awkward. They didn't get that joke there. Then we start to go general global with it. I'm not a very funny person. I've never been funny. I should get funnier. I should take a class on whatever. And you start to go into your loops about how you need to improve yourself and why you need to learn better. I need to be more charismatic. I need more outgoing. What's wrong with me? I've never been this way. And we can go down a rabbit hole. Have you ever done that? And then by the time your 20, 30 minute drive home is over, it was maybe like it was an okay day. And now you're just like, you're just crushed, just demoralized, like, ugh, they suck and I'm hopeless. My future is hopeless. And it's all our own creation. And the problem there is not your performance or how you are or your deep flaws as a human. Your problem is your focus. And it's on problem focus, not on opportunity focus. So here's the Thing behind that pattern is a subconscious belief that the way I'm going to get better and avoid pain and rejection and just have great feelings all the time, which already is a setup. But I'm going to avoid all that stuff. I'm going to avoid messiness of human life by getting better and better. And the way I'm going to get better and better is I'm going to focus on all the ways that I fuck up, which is a lot. So I'm going to fix them all and then I'll be great and then everything will go my way and I'll never have an awkward moment, I'll never get rejected, I'll never. Whatever. So the whole thing is flawed. It's not going to work. But we keep doing it day after day after day. And if you do something again and again and again and again, you will just do it and you won't even know why. Have you ever done that? Whether it's golfing or bowling or something where you're just doing or like I've even had it with like spraying a bottle on weeds. When I was a kid, I'd go around the yard spraying that bottle. If you've ever been on water slides, on roller coasters all day long, whatever thing you did all day, then you lay in bed at night and you're just like spraying weeds like your hand wants to go off. Your brain is firing in the same way, right? Well, imagine doing that thing day after day after day, month after month after month, year after year after year. Those patterns are grooved in pretty deep into your neural pathways and your nervous system. So we gotta awaken to that pattern. That's how we shift this stuff. Say, whoa. Whoa. That doesn't serve me. It really doesn't. That's not going to make you better. Can you imagine a like trying to train, whether it's an animal or coach, working with people, kids or adults and team, and just non stop listing off. Why'd you do that? That was so awkward. You should. Is that really gonna make it better? No, you gotta focus on the opportunity. So here's what you do. When you catch yourself replaying stuff, say, whoa, first of all, catch it. Well, I'm doing that. I'm replaying. I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. I don't need to replay this at all. And at first it might feel a little unsettled or a little like, wait, no, I have to. I have to get some sense of certainty and control by replaying it and knowing exactly what I did wrong and what I'm gonna do next time, just relax. You don't have to. You don't have to think about it. And so if, if it was clearly a really awkward moment or ever, just say, ah, feh, I'm just having a mouth moment, Just dismiss it. I'm just having a bad day. I was just having an off moment, whatever, it's fine. And then focus on the opportunities. Focus on what's there right in front of you. Because there might be another social interaction or social opportunity that day, that moment, that night. Right now. There might be another dating opportunity right now, in this moment. There might be someone you can go talk to right now in your world, might be able to text someone, might be able to use some app to interact with someone. You might be able to focus like, so what are the opportunities right now? And you don't need to spend any mental emotional focus or energy on solving that. Trust me, you'll get better. You will get more connection, more social connection, more dating and relationship connection, more love, more of what you want just by focusing on the opportunities and going after them than by trying to fix yourself and solve all these problems. Problems that you did earlier that day. So share below in the comments below. Subscribe to these videos. If you're enjoying them and you want more, make sure you click the little bell notification as well. And until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.