Real Confidence vs Bravado

Do you want to have deep confidence in yourself? I'm talking about rock solid confidence that is so ingrained into who you are that you no longer have anything to prove, no longer have to show anything to the world. You just know in your core who you are and what you bring to the world. That is the difference between real confidence and bravado. And that's exactly what you're going to learn how to get to in today's episode.

Coming to you from the center for social confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's show. Today we're going to be getting into real confidence versus bravado and how to tell the difference between the two and how to get more and more into real confidence and out of bravada. And you're going to learn exactly what I mean by that and really how to shift things in your life. So this is going to be really valuable for you because this is about how to get to a higher level of confidence, a more stable level of confidence that's going to serve you in every area of your life. Whether you want to meet someone for dating and relationships or you want to grow your business and increase your income or your career, Rock solid, deep, real confidence is the pathway to get there. So today's gonna be an awesome show. Excited to be with you. If you'd like to jump into the conversation, go to facebook.com SocialConfidenceCenter had to dig up that phrase in my mind. Social confidence center. Like that page. Join in there. And you can also go to shrinkforthshyguy.com to learn more about the episodes and and connect with me there. Ask your questions for ask the shrink, etc. And while you're there or downloading this on itunes, please give this show a great review that will help me reach more people and help spread this message. Because we got to free as many people from social fears, inhibitions, self doubt, and operation mass liberation. So help me free as many people and if you become free, by all means rate the show and let others know that it's been helping you so we can reach more people. Okay, so let's get into real confidence versus bravado. So first of all, when I say bravado, do you know what that word means? I mean, most of us have a sense and I had to look it up. So bravado is a bold manner or a show of boldness. So far, so good. Bold. A bold Manner or show of boldness intended to impress or intimidate. Not so good, right? So intended to impress or intimidate. And the reason I even thought of this whole idea for this show is just the other day, I was having lunch with a friend, and he told me about. He was out at this, I don't know, bar or someplace here in Portland, Oregon, with some friends or restaurant or something, and he saw two women sitting at a table eating, and they were eating pizza with a knife and a fork. And so one of his friends said, oh, I should go ask them about or comment on why they're eating pizza with a knife and a fork. But then he just sat there. He didn't do anything. I mean, how many times have we been in a situation like that, right? I'm gonna go do. No, I'm not. So my friend who's. I mean, he's an amazing guy. He's very, very confident. He's worked on himself a lot to get there. And he said, well, if you're not gonna do it, I'm gonna go do it. And so he walked over to them and he said to them, you know, so I have a question for you. I noticed that you're eating your pizza with a knife and a fork. And my friends over there were being judgmental, but I told them I knew you had a good reason. And he just jumped into a conversation with them around that. And if you're listening to that and being like, oh, my God, how do you do something like that? Well, one is a lot of practice, and two is guidance. So 30 days to dating Mastery will give you that guidance on. On exactly how to get there. But you can. No matter where you are, you can. I can do stuff like this. He can do stuff like this. You can do stuff like this. It's just a matter of building up your confidence. But anyway, so he gets into this great conversation with them. He's hanging out with them for a long time. One of his friends actually ends up bringing him his salad. He's like, so you're gonna sit with them now? And he brought him the salad. And then all of a sudden, this guy that was in their group who he just met that night, but a friend of a friend or something comes up to him and is just so angry and is like, what you're doing is fucked up, man. It's fucked up. My friend is like. He's like. I just stared at him. I was like, I have no idea what's happening right now. What did I do to this guy? And the guy, like, storms out, like, let's go.

We're gonna go fight.

And he goes outside to go wait for my friend to go fight him. And my friend's like, I didn't. I was like, what did you do? And he's like, I didn't know what to do. Nothing. I hadn't been yelled at like that in years. Like, I didn't know what to do. So he's like, I just went outside. I guess I was like, I guess I'm gonna go fight this guy. And I was like, really? Like, why? Shit, man. I must have gone out there. That guy sounds crazy, but, you know, he went out there, and turns out the guy had, like, stormed off and then came back later and was, like, all apologetic. And, you know, so that's not the main point of the story, but the point was, it really got me thinking about this idea of bravado versus real confidence. Now, what that guy did was not bravado. I mean, I don't think that was intended to impress anyone. That was just him losing his shit. But a subtler version of that happens all the time, doesn't it? Where someone feels less than because they see someone doing something and they kind of want to fight them. And that guy was just over the top, dramatic. But this happens a lot. This happened a lot when I was younger where guys would kind of posture in that way. And whether it's a physical fight, like, hey, you want to go? Or as people get older and you get into the business environment, it's a little more like just putting each other down or one upping each other, that sort of thing. And it gets more subtle, but it still exists. So I thought, wow, we have to really uncover what is real confidence versus bravado. Because I teach people to be more bold in life and put themselves out there and other things. And. And how do we make sure that we're doing this from a place of true confidence and not intending to impress or intimidate? So let's dive into it right now. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, we're gonna start uncovering the main differences between real confidence and bravado and how. I mean, it's gonna really help you shift something inside of yourself that's really gonna help you let go of that need to impress others and find that deep sense of real confidence in yourself. So stay tuned for that. We'll get right back into it in just one minute.

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Welcome back. So when we're coming from a place of bravado, one thing that's happening is we have something to prove. So bravado is something to prove, and real confidence is nothing to prove. We don't have to prove anything. And there's some layers to this because sometimes we have to prove something to other people and sometimes we actually have to prove something to ourselves. So let's look at that. I mean, the most obvious is we have something to prove to other people. And that is we have to look a certain, like I gotta make sure I look the most confident in the room or I have to look like I always know what to say, or I always have a, a great comeback or whatever it is. We got something to prove to other people so that they'll be impressed by us, that they think we're good. And whenever we're trying to prove something, we're striving. There's sort of a needy kind of attached, graspy quality to trying to prove something. So even if we look like we're laughing really loud, like, oh, you know, if it's coming from a place of trying to prove something, it's going to have the opposite effect than we want. And ultimately we're going to still feel insecure. And that's one of the main distinctions between real confidence versus bravado is with bravado, there is a lot of insecurity underneath. And with real confidence, we're just a lot more secure in ourselves. And that security comes from not needing to prove anything to other people, but also not needing to prove anything to ourselves. I mean, that's a big one. That happens a lot, right? We have to prove that we're not afraid to ourselves or we have to prove that we're not bothered by something and it doesn't really work. It's so much better to just, if we're scared of something, just take a deep breath in, be like, yeah, I'm nervous about that, or I'm scared about that. Okay, that's fine, that's all right. And give yourself some acceptance and empathy and love and patience. I Mean, that's one of the fastest and best ways to address it, to deal with it. We don't need to prove something to ourselves. We're always like, well, where does that come from in the first place? It's like, well, if I'm this way, then I'm okay and I'm lovable and if I'm that way, then I'm not. So we want to be that in the lovable way to everyone else and even to ourselves. So one of the key insights from this to get real confidence is nothing to prove. And you can even just remind yourself of that before you go into a social interaction. Just take a deep breath in and out and tell yourself, I got nothing to prove. I have nothing to prove here. I don't need to control anyone's perceptions of me. I don't need to impress anyone. I don't need to make anyone do anything. I got nothing to prove. And that can be really relieving and really relaxing. And a sense of real confidence starts to emerge from that. So that's one of the first distinctions. Another one is bravado is all about external significance and real confidence is about internal significance. So significance is the feeling of being special, worthwhile, unique, different, better than. It's a basic human need. We all have to feel special, unique and worthwhile. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't want to demonize it like some people do, like, oh, your ego just wants to be significant. You have to let that go. I think that's just part of being human. But the question is, how are we trying to get that need? And with the bravado, it's external. We're trying to. And that's where you get the one upping situation. Oh, you did that? Well, I did this. Oh, that's a great story. Here's a better story that I'm going to tell right now. Or oh yeah, you did that. Well, I sold twice as much as that. And sometimes people are really obvious about it and that's really kind of a turn off. But people can often be more subtle about it and they're just trying to maintain their significance. Or a lot of name dropping can be external significance. Oh yeah, I went to this place and I knew so and so and then I did this. And they're trying to gain that significance by having those external connections with those people. Another one is I know a client I was working with when he went somewhere with a friend of his. If he was talking to a woman, his friend would always kind of have to get in there and win her over. And his friend was married, but do you see, he needed the external significance of like, look, I'm better than you with women, or, she wants me more than she wants you. He needed that external significance. So that's bravado, internal significance, which is real confidence. Internal significance is knowing I'm unique, I'm valuable, I'm different, I'm special, but from part of who I am and how I show up in the world. So rather than I have the nicest car, it's, I am kind to people, or I go the extra mile to get results for someone, or I showed up and I listened to that person, or I gave my all on that project. So it's about your values and your action rather than your stuff, your things. Does that make sense? So the question I have for you is, what are some internal sources of significance that you can give yourself internal sources? For me, it's, I love to learn. And I'm always kind of growing and expanding myself. And that helps me feel significant, feel unique or special. Look how much I'm taking in. I'm learning. Or another thing that shows up is like, I'm constantly trying to find out how to be more loving, be more able to give and receive love with my wife and my little son. Because I want to be an amazing dad. And so that's a practice that I'm doing. So let me see how much I can give love to my son and I can draw significance from that. So you see how those are internal sources, though. They're about me and my actions and my values. So find. What are those for you? So it's not about, oh, everyone responds positively to me, or everyone likes me, or I have the nicest stuff. You gotta find that internal significance. That's another distinction between real confidence and bravado. What comes out of that is when someone has that external significance, that bravado, there's a constant need. They're constantly trying to preserve that significance because it's always threatened. Because if you get your significance from, I'm better than everyone at talking to women, then anytime there's anyone that seems better than you, you're threatened. Or, I have the nicest car, are the nicest watch, all of a sudden you see a guy with a nicer watch and you're freaking out about it, so you're trying to preserve it constantly versus the real confidence. You just know your significance because it's coming from inside. Does that make sense? Great. So we're going to get into a few more powerful distinctions here, especially about how to let go what other people think of you. Just really be free of that fear of they're going to like me and they're not going to like me and you're going to learn how to get to a place of real confidence around that as well. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So what's another distinction between real confidence versus bravado? With bravado, that person cares a lot about what everyone thinks. And real confidence is you don't care as much what others think. So bravado might look like you don't care, like you might someone be like, might look tough, like, yeah, I don't give a shit what people think of me. And sometimes we do that ourselves. We try to put on this powerful exterior of like, man, I don't give a shit what people think of me. And we're trying to make a show of it, a show of that boldness to prove something to other people or maybe even to try to prove something to ourselves. And remember, we got to let that go. So how to really get to that place of real confidence, of not caring so much of what others think is really to completely and deeply love and accept yourself, even if you are caring what other people think. Right? Because we don't want to make a show of anything. We don't want to try to prove something to ourselves. So you can try to remind yourself it doesn't matter, I don't need to impress anyone. But, but let's say you're in a situation, then all of a sudden there's this person, you're talking to them and you're like, oh my God, I hope they like me. Oh, I hope this works out. I really want to work with this person. Or I hope they hire me or I hope she likes me, whatever it is. And you notice yourself getting really, you really are caring about what other people think. Then a lot of us will try to use bravado in our own minds. Like, I don't give a shit. Stop. I don't care. I don't care. But you do care. I do care. We do care. So how do we be free of that, though, from restricting us? Well, we just got to own it and send it love. Take a deep breath in, feel it. And wherever you feel it in your body, do you feel tight in your chest? Are you squirmy in your stomach? You get butterflies? Just focus on that and breathe and say, yeah. Even though I'm really worried about what this person thinks, that's okay. I love and accept myself. It's all right. It's okay. And ultimately, I know that it's all right either way if they like me or don't like me. And it's okay to have this feeling. And the thing is, the more you just relax into it and send it love and acceptance and yourself, love and acceptance, guess what? The more it evaporates, the more free of it you are. So instead of trying to force your way out of it, you just accept it. You just send it love and patience, and it's all right. I know it's a little uncomfortable, but it's okay. It'll pass. And all of a sudden, man, things start to open up. Now, if you're thinking, wait a minute, Ziz, how am I going to do this when I'm in the conversation with the person? Well, just do the best you can. And then afterwards is when you can do this or before the next interaction you have with that person. Right? So you can really give yourself that attention, that love and that acceptance. So another distinction between real confidence versus bravado is. Bravado is highly sensitive to rejection. Or slight. Highly sensitive. They might look like they're trying to be tough, like, I don't care. You know, you'll see bravado. Guys kind of, you know, they get rejected or something doesn't go their way, and they're like, whatever. And that's not real confidence. Real confidence is you're resilient and you bounce back from rejection. And so A, it might not get to you. And if you work on yourself a lot and really love who you are and accept yourself, then, yeah, a lot of rejections won't bother you. But sometimes they will. Sometimes they get in no matter how much work you've done on yourself. And if we're trying to prove something to ourselves and hoist ourselves up with bravado and a lot of I hope you're getting from the show that a lot of the bravado is not what we do outside. It's how we try to deal with it ourselves inside of our own heads. So I'm really trying to help you make this distinction, both in the outer world, but also in your inner world. And the way to get to real confidence is to be resilient and bounce back from rejection. And that means when you feel rejected, you're going to do the same thing. You're going to relax and you're not going to try to push it away, and you're just going to be like, wow, okay, I'm feeling rejected right now. Well, let me first and foremost send myself love and acceptance. Ow. It hurts to feel rejected. That doesn't feel good. All right. Oof. And send yourself love and acceptance. You don't want to get on the bandwagon. In your mind that's saying, yeah, you suck. Of course you got rejected because you're a loser. No, no, no. You don't want to. You know, you just want to send love and acceptance to your heart, to your body. And then you maybe want to work with some of the meanings of the rejection, which is something I teach in a number of my different programs. It's like, well, what does this mean to me? How can I shift the meaning? So there's a lot of tools to use, but the key thing there is to acknowledge what's happening, send yourself love and work with it rather than try to just push past it with bravado. So one last distinction I want to share about this, which can be really life transforming, is that bravado mocks expressions of love, and real confidence is able to freely give and receive love. So whenever we're mocking an expression of love, like, we're rolling our eyes at it, or we think that's stupid, or I wouldn't do something like that, or we push it away when someone tries to express love to us or we hold back and we judge it in ourselves. That's bravado. That's trying to look tough and bold to impress or intimidate others, where someone who's really confident in themselves is able to give love super freely and receive love completely openly. And, I mean, this is a lifelong practice. I'm not saying we get there and we're done. I mean, it's an ongoing practice. But that sort of tough guy shell or exterior that I got to look like Clint Eastwood from a western or something, that's not true. That's not real confidence. Real confidence is being able to look at someone and saying, wow, I am having such a great time with you. This is awesome. Thanks for coming out or being able to tell someone like, man, I am so grateful that you work with me or for me, Whether it's an employee of yours or maybe it's your supervisor, your boss. I am so grateful to be working here. This is awesome. You are an amazing supervisor or you're an amazing employee. I'm so happy to have you as part of the team. Or you're someone that you're with, a partner, your girlfriend, your wife. Honey, I love you so much. I am so grateful that you're in my life. The more you can do things like that. I mean, I do it with friends, too. The more you can just deeply express your appreciation and love for people. I mean, the more real confidence you have and develop, and the more they love you back. And it's just this positive cycle, this win, win, and anything where we have to kind of hide it or posture it. Like, this often happens with men where instead of saying like, wow, this is really hard for guys to say I love you to each other, by the way. And there's a whole movie that makes a joke about this with I love you, man, where we have to throw something on the end. And sometimes I will, right? Because I'm not 100% there. Totally in real confidence all the time. So, for example, I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and at the end of it, I was getting to my car, and I. And I said, much love to you. And then he said, I love you too. And I was like, oh, thank you. But I also saw in that moment, that's what I wanted to say. Like, hey, I love you. And you can say their name like, hey, I love you, Ben. But you don't, right? Because you're like, oh, God, that's weird. Bravado, masculine. Must maintain something. And when he just said that back to me, I was like, oh, man, that was awesome. I can learn from him, right? And we can always be learning and growing in this area. So that's just one last distinction I wanted to give you for this. Real confidence versus bravado. So before we get end the show, that leads to our action step for today. Time for action. Your action step for today is a simple one and it's a little one, but it's just to notice. Notice when you go back and forth between real confidence and bravado. And we're doing it all the time. Like that example I just told you about how I parted with a friend. Look for that kind of stuff and don't make yourself wrong. If it's bravado, good God, that's gonna only send you backwards. No, just notice it, be patient with it, smile at it, laugh at it. Look at all the funny things that we do to to try to preserve our self esteem and preserve our image and instead just relax, take a deep breath and know that you can let it go. And the more you let go of needing to impress others, the more you just let go and are more expressive, more free. Know your internal significance, Treat yourself with love and acceptance. When you do feel pain or rejection and just really settle into who you are. That's where that real confidence comes from and that emanates like no other whenever I'm in that place and the more I get to that place, the more people are drawn to me, the more things just happen in my life. If you're interested in creating a dating relationship, the more women are going to be drawn to you. I mean, it is endless what can grow from that real confidence. So thanks so much for joining me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments. Go to shrink let's see here. Facebook.com shrink social confidence center Takes me a while to pull that one up in my brain for some reason today. Facebook.com shrink social confidence center and join in the conversation. Share your thoughts, your feedback, your questions. I'd love to see you on there. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.