17 Jun 2025 · 21 min
Dr. Aziz traces people-pleasing back to fear of disapproval and childhood rules about being good. He outlines how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that come with saying no, then rewrite those internal rules through practice and imagination.
Chapters
Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're gonna be looking at what's underneath. All of nice people pleasing behaviors. Yes. All the ones that can crop out of the woodwork. I'm going to share some of the biggest ones in this episode. Just so you can get a sense of it. You can do a quick self assessment. You might say little quiz, best kind of quiz to see, oh, which of these things am I doing? And the good news is that we don't have to try to eliminate 10, 20, 30 different types of people pleasing behaviors. You can actually just go straight to the root and shift all of them at once. That sound exciting? Yeah. Well, if you're nerdy and into psychology than it is, but actually it's super important for everybody. Even if you're not really into this stuff, it's necessary though you might need to become a little bit into it. Just like you might be like, I'm not into all that healthy eating stuff and exercise. Well, you might need to become into some of that a little bit. Right. If you want to be healthy in your life physically. And same thing when it goes to. If you want to feel mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, healthy in your relationships, basically just feel sane, then we need to become a little bit into this or aware of it. And I'm probably preaching to the choir here because you're listening to this show, so you do want to make this shift in your life. So this episode will give you some really powerful tools to know exactly how to do that. And by the way, if you're benefiting from this show and you've listened to more than a couple episodes, they're all free. By the way. One way that you could support me and help us reach more people is to take just 2 minutes, 3 minutes and go to itunes or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this and give it a review. Because that helps spread the word to get it out to more people. And that's the goal of this show, is to reach people who are alone and in the dark. You know, maybe not literally in the dark, but metaphorically. Cause that's where I live for so many years. And that's why I'm on this mission of mass liberation. So let's do this. Please support in that mission just takes a moment. It doesn't cost anything. It's just a moment of your time. But just think about. It's really gonna reach someone else out there who's struggling. And it's amazing when we focus on, well, what can I contribute to someone else? All of a sudden, maybe you do feel a little more confident. You are in a different part of you than the part that's like, oh, I'm so messed up. And instead, you're looking to see what you can contribute or give. So thank you in advance for doing that. All right, what are the people pleasing behaviors and what's at the root of them? So you can shift all this? Well, I'm going to share a few here just so you can get the lay of the land. Some of the big ones are avoiding conflict, right? That's an obvious one. You avoid direct conversations. You avoid saying what needs to be said. You avoid pointing things out. You avoid showing if something's bothering you. You avoid calling someone out when they didn't do something they said they were going to, or they cause a problem or make a mess or do something, anything that's worth calling attention to. But you don't. Why? Well, I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I don't want to make them feel bad about themselves. I don't want them to get upset at me. I don't want them to get defensive. Well, okay, all right. We're already getting something here about what's underneath that pattern. I don't want them to dot, dot, dot. But we'll get to that in just a minute. But meanwhile, let's look at a few more of these major signs. So all the conflict avoidance stuff, the direct contact avoidance, there's also an avoidance of showing any of your own upset or frustration. I was actually just helping a client with this last night in my mastermind program who asserted herself. And I'd say in a skillful way, someone was. She said, no, no, thank you politely. And the person kept pressing and pressing and pressing. And then she got irritated and her voice said like, hey, no. I said, no, I don't want to do it. And then she felt very guilty and uncomfortable afterwards. And what I was helping her see is the problem is not the way that she said no. It's not like she flew off the handle and hit him in the face with a wine glass or something. It was. She said no with firmness. But to her, that was oh, so guilty. And I lost control. And that was so bad. But it was so contained, it was actually healthy. If someone keeps pushing and pushing to have some energy, some heat in your voice, in my book, less nice, more you. I call this showing teeth, right? You have a little bit of intensity to you, as opposed to being this soft, spiritual noodle that's, I guess, more evolved or advanced, but also gets taken advantage of a lot in the world. And people don't respect your boundaries. So we need to have some power in there to defend and take care and protect ourselves. But that's another sign of niceness, is not wanting to show any of that. No firmness, no heat, no upset, no nothing. Nothing bothers me. I'm just totally calm and flexible, and I talk in this fake soft voice, but underneath it's rage inside, right? So that's another sign. All kinds of subtle signs as well. Smiling when you're upset, laughing when you're uncomfortable, smiling when you're nervous, smiling during conflict, smiling excessively when listening, nodding excessively when listening, giving lots of overt signs of. I'm paying attention to everything you're saying. Ahem. Oh, yes. Mm. Aha. I'm not talking about some basic acknowledgement. I'm talking about excessive or over the top. And sometimes people are even aware that they're doing it. It's just like, what do you mean? I was just listening to them. But if you observe it from the outside, you're like, that person's head's gonna bobble off because they're nodding so much, agreeing instantly to everything that everyone says. And I don't just mean they ask you to do something and you say yes. That's an obvious form of niceness or excessive people pleasing. You don't even discern if it's right for you because you can't say no. Or you obviously can, but I mean, internally, the pressure, the compulsion to say yes is so strong that we just do. And it feels like I'm not allowed to say no. It's probably a more accurate way of saying that pattern, But I'm talking about an agreeableness that's just like, whatever you said is right, you know, so they're not even asking you to do something. They're just saying their opinion. I think, you know, insert opinion here. These people are good. That political party is bad. So and so should do such and such, right? People got opinions about everything, and you're just like, yeah, yeah, totally, totally, totally. No matter what, instead of saying, oh, huh. You see it that way, huh? That's interesting. I see it differently. Or are you sure. Why? Why do you say that? It's just like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Why? Well, I don't want to cause friction, so I could go on and on here. If you want to check out in my book, Less Nice, more youe, I have a bunch of signs listed in there as well. So I don't want to spend the whole episode doing that. But this gives you a pretty good rundown. We probably covered 10 or 15 just right there so far. So if you're doing some of these things, first of all, are you seeing that? Are you seeing some of. Where do you do some of these things? This will be helpful, by the way, to getting to the next part of solving the root. So identify specifically, what are some of these things that I do and where do I do them? At work, in dating, socially, with a partner, with my partner's family, with a friend, with someone I don't know, with an authority figure, with a boss. You know, it might not be everywhere with everyone, and maybe it is. Depends on how nice you are, how dominant the people pleasing pattern is in your life. Okay, you got it. You got a couple places and certain patterns that you do. Great. So let me ask you this question. So imagine a circle and all of these different patterns and probably 50 more that I didn't even list here are on the outside of the circle. Just list it out. Now they're all pointing inwards to the center of that circle, though. What's in the center of that circle? What's at the root of all of this? Well, let's just follow the chain there. So if you didn't smile when you were saying something direct, if you didn't agree with everything they said, if you didn't do one or more of these behaviors, well, then what? What's your response? What's the fear? What's the gut prediction? Bad things, man. Right. Essentially, they're not gonna like me. They're gonna be upset with me. They're gonna disapprove of me. Maybe it's partly about them. It's also partly about I'm gonna feel bad, I'm gonna be bad, I'm gonna feel guilty. So this is where you have a bunch of rules that you must follow to be a good boy or a good girl. Because that's what niceness is about in the way that I'm defining niceness. I'm not talking about kindness. In my book, Less nice, more you. The first chapter is called Niceness versus Kindness. We might even have an episode about that in this show. Actually, if you go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and do a search back for kind or kindness. You could probably find it to get the differences there. I'm talking about people pleasing about a fear based pattern to try to get approval so you feel safe and accepted. Most people are doing that their whole lives trying to be good, good boy, good girl. And it is, it's young, it's not an adult, it's not being the most authentic adult version of you claiming who you are, stepping into who you're meant to be in the world. It's like, am I doing it okay? Am I right? You're looking to others, you're looking to the world, you're looking to who you don't even know sometimes, sometimes it's a specific person, sometimes it's them and they in the vague cultural field and sometimes it's a deity, sometimes it's light, sometimes I don't even know just doing it because that's what I'm supposed to do to be good. And I feel bad if I break the rules. But we haven't even examined all these rules and we're just following them like a robot who's following code. And so to get down to the root, we realize, okay, if I break one of these rules, if I don't agree, if I say something more directly, if I say no to somebody, if I don't do one of these people pleasing behaviors, then I'm going to feel, that's the essence of it, I'm going to feel something. Now you say, well, they're going to feel upset, they're going to be mad at me, okay? But then if they're upset, if they're mad at you, you're going to feel something. Maybe you're going to feel afraid or panicky or unstable or unsettled or guilty or, or shame or something, right? You're going to feel something bad imagining they're upset at you. That's what we're afraid of. We're afraid of a set of feelings. If I break these rules, if I disobey these lines of code and there could be hundreds, there could be thousands of rules that you're supposed to follow. You don't even know them all, but you'll know them because you'll feel guilty or scared or unsettled or unsafe you if you're breaking them. And so part of the work I do with people is helping them determine what are these rules. Let's list them out, let's bring attention and consciousness to this so we can rewrite them and change them so they don't run your life and control you. So I wonder what is the feeling that gets evoked in you most? So let's take this. That's why I want you to have a specific situation in your mind, right? Imagine the circumstance, the person, the workplace, the dating environment, whatever it is where you are drawn to repeat these people pleasing behaviors. Pick one of them and imagine not doing it. I'm going to do something else instead. I'm going to say something directly. If someone doesn't do something they said they were going to do, I'm going to say, hey, you didn't do that thing, what's up with that? Or however you'd say it now what am I going to feel? Because a lot of the time people try to solve this all in their head and they say, oh, it's okay if they get upset with you. With me, I'm allowed to speak up for myself. Or that's okay that I'm just telling them what is true. I'm allowed to speak my truth. And then they don't and then they're scared, right? It's like so sure you tell yourself you're allowed to, but then you don't, which indicates you don't really think you're allowed to and you feel fear. Imagine doing it and if you were to do it, you'd freak out. So we're not really free. We haven't really broken out any of the rules. We're just trying to put a new line of code on top of the old line of code and it doesn't work. It's just the old line of code is more rooted in there and we're gonna follow that even though there's some new stuff on top. Does that make sense? Are you following me with that? So what we need to do is in order to rewrite this, in order to change this, we need to be willing to feel those feelings, take the new actions to really force those feelings to the surface and then make the inner change. And the inner change is going to be about increasing your emotional tolerance for those mixed uncomfortable feelings and rewriting the rules or lines of code. Now that was a lot what I just said there. That's like my entire book not nice condensed into a sentence. That's the whole process of liberation from people pleasing and inauthenticity to be the most authentic version of you, which is what I help people, you know, do for clients with my year long mastermind program. So there's a lot of nuance and Depth here, but I want to give you as much as I can and guidance and breadcrumbs to follow. And if you want more, check out my books. And if you really want to make this radical change, you know, go to draziz.com and apply for my mastermind program, because that is. Well, that's where things are really laid out. Step by step. Support, guidance, accountability, everything to make sure this change happens once and for all in your life so you can live the rest of your decades on this planet as a more free, authentic version of you. So let's go back into that sentence and really unpack it. You are. The way out is to increase your capacity to feel that feeling. What feeling? I don't know. It depends on what arises for you, right? Is it guilt? Is that your dominant feeling of discomfort when you break the nice boy, girl list of rules? Is it fear? Is it I'm not safe? Is it something bad's gonna happen to me? Ah, God's gonna smite me. They're gonna get me. You know, it doesn't even have to rationally make sense or be a story. It's just a feeling inside, right? It's the feeling of a kid in trouble. I remember I worked with a client, and he said he was a grown man, he had a family, he worked, he was just legitimate adulting. And he's like, inside, I just feel like I'm a kid. I'm a kid who's in trouble all the time. And it baffled him. He's like, this doesn't make any sense. And to me, I'm like, it makes perfect sense. Because that's the list you're trying to live by, of rules of the nice, the good boy. And that boy is if you're going to try to break any of those rules is bad. And that's why you feel like you're in trouble if you. If you challenge any of those things. And so we need to upgrade that. So what is the feeling? And we want to increase your capacity for that feeling. What does that mean? That means speaking up or saying no. Whatever the rule is, you're going to break the nice rule. You could start by imagining doing it, or you can pick a less intense situation. Those are two ways to evoke the feeling. So we're getting out of the realm of avoidance here. Avoidance is like, I'm not doing that. You crazy? I'm just going to nod until my head falls off. Well, then nothing's really going to change. And you're maybe not ready to make the change. And that's okay. A lot of people aren't ready. A lot of people will do it and ride that. I did ride that Merry go round 10 more times until you're sick and you want to throw up cotton candy. And then you're like, okay, it's not working fine. You know, sometimes it's another relationship, it's another failed thing, it's a divorce, it's getting fired, it's just being taken advantage of and being a frickin doormat for too many more months or years and, you know, life passing you by and you're following all the rules and you're being good and you're doing the right things, but you're not getting what you want in life. But I just got to be more good. And maybe it'll happen. And at some point you just wake up in the middle of the night, you're like, what the F am I doing? Right? That's the threshold moment. So once you've had the threshold moment, and if you haven't yet, hopefully you will, right? As bad as it might sound, it's the moment that changes everything. It's a profound decision erupts from that place of frustration, pain, desperation. It's enough of this to transform. Energy pulls you out of hopelessness and hopelessness into actually making the change, being the agent of change in your life. I'm not an effect in the world, I'm a cause. I make things happen. Right? It activates that energy inside of you, and then you increase. You become more willing to say, okay, I'm going to learn how to be with this feeling either by focusing on or imagining doing the uncomfortable thing. In fact, look, I'm just giving you a big action step right now. Let's turn this into your action step for today. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is going to be to imagine breaking one of those rules, or gasp, breaking one of the rules. How bad of you? You're gonna get in trouble, young man. Young lady. Right, well, okay, let's find out. So, you know, don't pick the most intense thing. I'm gonna confront my boss. Just, I don't know. You say no to somebody who's like, hey, can you do this extra work for me? No, thank you. I'm not available for that. I don't know why you'd say, no, thank you. No, thank you. Sir, may I have another? Right, you just say no. No, I'm not. I don't have too much on my plate. I can't take that on right with a colleague who's not outranking you or something. So yeah, there you go. Maybe that's a lower stakes situation, you might say. Or just imagine doing something like that. Whatever. The goal is to evoke the feeling, the feel the dreaded feelings. I'm afflicted with feelings, right? And then learn how to be with that. Stay with it, don't run from it, and investigate what rules are there. What am I telling myself? What's the story? You're here to discover something and then it's about really challenging and changing those rules over time. If you want more guidance on that, definitely check out my book. Either one Not Nice or less nice more you. Both will help you in this regard. So less nice, more you is punchier, faster, shorter chapters, and not nice is the textbook on the subject, so you can check out either one. But there is a process, there is a way out and hopefully this action step will give you the next step that you can apply in your life to become more you, More free, more authentic. Thanks for being with me today. You are awesome. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are in the world fully as you, unapologetic, authentic and free. And to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening. Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.
