Resolving The Source Of Social Anxiety

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to go straight down to the source, the source of social anxiety. And by going down to the source, you can free yourself. Because here's a couple of key basic things for you to know. We're just going to dive right in. Is it okay with you if you just dive right into it? You're a busy man, woman, person. You don't want to waste your time with a bunch of intros and ads and buy my books. Anyway. You should go buy my books. By the way, they're on Amazon and Audible and you can get them@drz.com, that's-A Z I Z dot com. And anyway, we're gonna dive right into it. You ready to go? Okay, here we go. So what is the source of social anxiety? Let's cover a couple basic things of social anxiety. So you and me are on the same page. First things first, social anxiety is not an identity. It's not who you are. It's not some genetic illness or part of your DNA or something that's woven into the fabric of your being. Therefore, even if you have experienced social anxiety in the past and are currently experiencing social anxiety, that does not mean that your future has to be riddled with social anxiety. Because the past doesn't equal the future. That was then, this is now. You have 100% capacity to upgrade yourself, upgrade who you are, upgrade the version that you approach this life with, upgrade the parts of you that show up each day that feel more liberated, powerful, strong and confident. So that's first things first to get out. And hopefully you know that by listening to this show. And that's one of the reasons why you listen to this show, for that inspiring and and true perspective. Because I've seen this not only in my own life, but now with thousands of other people to watch that transformation. So I know it's possible for you, too, if you're willing to show up, to be open minded, to be bold or courageous, or access that inside of yourself and be willing, that's the most important thing. Willing to take risks, to try something new, to try on a new perspective, to bet on yourself and to believe or at least test things out until you can believe that you can change this stuff. So that's the first thing. The second thing is social anxiety is a pattern. And it's a pattern that you can be running or not running or maybe some degree of it. If there's maybe a dial you could be turning up and down. But that means you don't have social anxiety, you do social anxiety. So you could be doing social anxiety on Tuesday evening at a dinner party, and then Wednesday morning when you're out walking your dog, you're not doing social anxiety, you don't feel social anxiety at all. Or you're hanging out with your good friend later that afternoon not doing social anxiety. So you don't have social anxiety in that moment, right? So it is a pattern that you can be doing or not doing. And therefore it's possible to do the pattern less and less and do something else instead. And then you would no longer identify with social anxiety. A third key part, and this really relates to the source of social anxiety, which is, well, what is it? Where does it come from? Well, social anxiety, when you're doing this pattern, what you're doing is you're feeling anxiety or fear or maybe worry manifests as worry thoughts as well as fear in your nervous system about social, about other people and your relationships with other people, your communications with other people, your standing in other people's eyes and how people feel about you. So in some connection or social with others, you feel fear or worry. Now where does that come from? Well, in order for that to exist, and I talk about this one of my first books called the Solution to Social Anxiety. You can distill it down to that someone might not like you. That's the fear, right? What is it that you're afraid of? What is it that you're worried about? What is the source of the anxiety? Well, it's that someone might not like me and therefore they would reject me or ridicule me or not want to spend time with me or talk badly about me. Some version of that someone would not like me. And you might say, well, that's what I'm afraid of, disease. That's the source of social anxiety. That's actually not the source of social anxiety. Because let me give you, paint you a picture let's say you're walking down the street and you're holding hands with your sweetheart and you're feeling good and you're feeling love and she's telling you how great you are and you just got a promotion at work and, and your boss is telling you how great you are and you're like, yeah, life is going good. And then there's this kid that rolls down the street on his three wheeler, little Dennis the Menace type, you know, seven year old kid on his three wheel tricycle and he rolls by you and he says, hey, jerk face, dumb face. And he bikes off. Okay, that kid doesn't like you. Do you feel a lot of social anxiety right now? Right? You might say, yes, I do. It's terrible. Why does he not like me? Right? Well, in this example, if you really play along with me here, you're just like, no, I feel good. I got my lady with me, I got my jobs going good, I feel good about myself right now. Who cares what that little kid thinks of me? So social anxiety is not the fear of judgment of others. Social anxiety is the fear of judgment of others. And the reason others are judging you is because there is something to judge about you. In the case of this little hypothetical example, you are a dumb face, jerk face or whatever. I said that Dennis the Menace, the kid said. So I'm afraid this person's going to judge me for being nervous. And I am nervous. And that's really bad and shameful and wrong. I'm afraid this person's not going to like me because of whatever. I mean, we could point to a thousand things because of my appearance, because of my accent, because of my posture, because of my history, because I don't get the jokes, because I'm not smart enough, because of whatever. But whatever the becauses, they're not going to like me. And that's warranted because I am not likable, I am unlovable. I am unworthy of love and belonging. It is shame. Shame is the crystallized heart of social anxiety. It's the root of social anxiety. It's the source. And so you buy into that. There is something wrong with me. There's something defective about me, there's something broken about me, there's something unlovable about me. And then therefore, when someone doesn't like me, boom, they're just telling it like it is. And the reason that's so anxiety provoking is because that is scary. As soon as you buy into that reality, it's very freaky. It's like if you're watching a horror film and you think it's real, which I don't know about you. I had to stop watching horror films when I was in my 20s because my brain thought they were too damn real. I remember I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That thing was just horrific. I still get the wee willies, heebie jeebies when I think about that thing. And I saw that when I was in my mid-20s and I'm pushing, I'm about to turn 40 now, 15 years ago, and I still remember some of those scenes when she walks, they like pull over. I don't know if you've seen this movie, but they pull over. They're out somewhere in like the, you know, out in the middle of the deep Souths or something. I think it's where they're at. And there's like some house out in the middle of nowhere and for some reason they have to stop there. I don't know, maybe they need gas or whatever, some problem with their car, of course. And then some person walks over to the house and this like, beast creature thing with big hair poofing out behind, has a mask on, I think. I don't even remember the details, but they kind of pop out, like, thunk this person and like, hey, grab them and like put them on a meat hook. And I'm just like, oh, God, right? So then they're later on, they're like chasing people with a chainsaw. And then so for like months after that movie, I'm just like walking anywhere I go, whether I'm in the bathroom, in the kitchen outside, putting the trash out, you know, whatever. I'm just like, chainsaw massacre. It's going to pop out of the woods. I know it, right? So I. In that moment, rationally, I don't think a person's going to come massacre me with a chainsaw. If you were to write that on the statistical likelihood, rationally, I'd give you pretty low numbers. But emotionally, my body's reacting like there is someone who's going to jump out of my recycling bin. When I go out there at night to put some cardboard boxes into my recycling bin, it turns out that's where the chainsaw massacrer was waiting. And then I open up the blue recycling bin and then it's like, side note, by the way, creepy things also like to hide in your shower. So if you're going to the bathroom and your shower curtain is closed and then you're going to go open it to take a shower, right? When you open it that's when they're gonna jump out. They've been waiting there for maybe like three days just to like spook ya. This is how it works. At least that's how it does in my reality from all those horror films. But any case, you see how I'm buying into an absurd reality and it doesn't matter if it's not true or if it's irrational or doesn't make sense. That's why I'm telling you these stories other than to be highly entertaining. They're also irrelevant because it's the same thing in the reality that you're buying into. That I am worthless or I am not deserving of love is the level of deluded as there was a chainsaw massacre in my recycle bin or some exorcist girl in my shower behind the curtain. That was another one that disturbed me. I saw that when I was 16 and that movie freaking wrecked me, just destroyed my psyche. We had a house out in the woods when I was at that age and I would walk down to my other friend's house, he was about a mile away. And you're walking along this country road and it's just like woods on either side of you. I mean, holy Jesus. Oh, this is traumatic. I don't know why, why did I do it anyway? But I believed in it. My nervous system, my emotions were reacting to it. And your emotions are reacting with fear because it's anxiety provoking to imagine that you are unlovable and that no human could like you. And so therefore, if so and so is upset with you, it's warranted or so and so doesn't like you, it's warranted because it's not just them, it's everybody, right? And that's why dating was so scary for me. If I approach this woman and I ask her out and she says no, it's not like, well, okay, hey, I'm not for everybody. I mean, her loss, right? No, it's. She said no. And that makes sense because everyone's gonna say no because look at this. And I'm pointing at myself right now. Over time, as my confidence increased, it became. She said no. Did she? See, I mean, cause look at this, you know, different, same words, different tone, different meaning, right? So what are you buying into some distort o crazy reality in which you truly are unlovable? Less than. That's the source of social anxiety. And oftentimes people are not aware of it because they're just very aware of the circumstances in which they're in. Oh, I'm worried about that person. Oh, what if she doesn't like me? Oh, what about those people? I don't want to mess up with the presentation. It's not about the presentation. It's not about her liking you. It's not about that one date, that one thing. It's about a pattern that you are running that is creating fear in your nervous system based upon a false story, a false perception of reality, a falsehood that I am inherently unworthy or unlovable. Can you see what I'm pointing to here? Can you feel it? Can you get that? Because when you do, and you really get it, that is the seed of liberation. Because you see, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. There is no massacre in my recycle bin. I am okay, I can go to the shower. I'm not going to be attacked by the exorcist girl on the walk down to my friend Chris's house. Oh, my God, how liberating. And now I actually don't feel a fear of something attacking me when I go out to put my recycling out. Why? Because I haven't watched horror films in 15 years. That's why. I guarantee you, if I started watching those things again, I would be just as disturbed as when I was young. I am not in any way tougher for that kind of stuff. That stuff. I don't want to be tougher for that kind of stuff that's meant to be disturbing because it's freaky. So I just don't expose myself to it. So what if you did the same. I'm not talking about horror films. That's a different topic. This is the metaphor. Although if you want to stop watching them, it's probably good for your nervous system anyway. But that's your own choice. Anyway, I'm talking about what if you stopped feeding that story because it is you who is feeding that story. It is you who created that story in the first place. That you're not enough, that you're not worthy, that you're not lovable. They might say, well, no, Aziz, I learned that from my dad or my mom or those kids at school who bullied me. Well, they certainly might have communicated that to you. And you might have concluded at a young age that that was true, but that was you who concluded it. There was probably other evidence, other kids, other family members, other moments that might have told you completely opposite information, but you'd already grabbed onto that worst case scenario and took it inside and said, you know what? Yeah. And then everything else you rejected until now. And the question I have for you is, how long are you going to keep doing that? How long are you going to keep terrorizing yourself with that horror story that you're unlovable? Why? Because your dad said it when you were nine, so who gives a. Who cares what he said when you were nine? Why is he the determiner of your love and worth? Because he landed on this planet 30 or 25 years before you did. If you ever wonder where the authority of your parents come from, it's a big joke. I have the authority over my son because I got here 28 years before he did. Are you kidding me? That's it. That's the qualifications. It's like my spaceship landed before yours. This is my planet, right? No, I just. I know more and I seem all powerful and all knowing to him when he's a little kid, and then eventually he realizes that that's all big, bogus. I try to dispel that myth as much as possible by saying, like, I don't know. And, well, here's what some humans think. Here's my thoughts. But no one knows the answer to that one. Right? But delusion is going to dispel. At some point, he's going to say, wait a minute, you got here earlier than I did. And that's the same thing for your parents. So what? So those kids that mocked you when you were 13 for your accent or for your teeth or whatever, or you saw on media that they made fun of people because of their skin color or whatever, and now you're going to continue that. And even if it's currently happening, even if some people, you know, I was talking to someone recently, and they were in a situation where some people were actually. What's the word? Marginalizing to them because of their gender or their background or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, that sucks. That's uncomfortable. But here's the thing. Do we want to have social anxiety about that or do we want to have like a f. That attitude around that? You know what? I'm going to go somewhere where I am valued. I'm going to challenge that if someone doesn't like me. I was talking about this with a client. You know, she has an accent, she was born in Russia. And I mean, me and other people think she has a beautiful accent, she's a beautiful woman, beautiful soul, and yet she's like, oh, my gosh, people aren't going to like that. And she's taking in all these stories of different places around cites, people being Racist to people with different accents of different origins. And I'm like, f those people. That doesn't have to be your friend. You don't need to be friends with someone who doesn't like you because of your accent. Find the people who do like you because of your accent, who see you as fascinating and exotic and interesting and are curious about growing up, where she actually. She might have been from the Ukraine, actually, not Russia, but, you know, what's life like in the Ukraine? I have 1,001 questions about that. I think that's fascinating. Find those people. And that's the response of someone who is no longer buying into that story. They don't take on that reality, take on that distorted fun house mirror perspective of there is something wrong with me. So my question for you is, what are you holding onto? How long have you been holding onto it? A story that there's something wrong with you? Can you pinpoint what. Just look at. You can look at the. Is there certain specifics or is it just vague? How do you prop it up? Do you look for evidence to feed it? Do you just keep repeating it to yourself? Have you clenched around it as if it is fact and sort of enshrined it in certainty to make it so, to have something solid to stand on? Because unfortunately, in order to get certainty, a lot of people will hold onto a perspective. This is how it is. This is who I am. This is how life is. And they'll hold onto that even though it is poisoning them, because they want the certainty and to step into the unknown, into the uncertainty, into the unbound and the instability of who are you? I don't know the answer. If you're gonna be friends with me. I don't know the answer if you're gonna date me or not. I'm gonna speak freely in front of this group of 20 people at work. And I don't know if they're all gonna like what I'm gonna say. That rather than stepping into that uncertainty, which is where all life is, all changes, all growth is, all love is, all exploration, all fulfillment, all meaning, all purpose is. And rather than stepping into that, we can cling to this shell of a husk of a shadow of life and say, oh, I'm alive, because here I am. I'm breathing and surviving and eating and pooping and sleeping. But you're not alive. You're just in that shell of certainty. And it is the certainty of I'm not enough and no one will love me. That's a terrible source. Let's Step into the unknown. And stepping into the unknown is shedding that pattern of social anxiety. And here's the thing. All that social anxiety, like, oh, I'm not enough and someone's not gonna like me. Like, when you really are free of it for a long time, like I've been. And that doesn't mean I don't ever feel social anxiety. It just means it doesn't hook me in the same way. I don't believe it for days and months. And it's just like, oh, I'm nervous right now. Yeah. Okay. I feel a little insecure. I have a little bit of shame right now. Okay. And then it passes. It's not a way of life. It's not an identity. And after you've been out of that for a long time, I look back at myself and I was really in it. And I'm like, God, such a. I'm so self absorbed. I'm so obsessed with my own self. And every time I'm talking to someone, I look like I'm talking to them or I'm really thinking about how they're thinking about me. And it's like this all eyes on me, this kind of like egomania in a weird, tortured kind of way. And it's time to let it go. And you have the choice to let it go. And you can do so. Now let's talk about how to put this in action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be to catch yourself when you're feeding the story. That source of social anxiety that I am not enough. Or here's why you're one client. I called it. We were talking about her dating life, and she was kind of like, really making the case. Why? She was undateable. And I'm like, why do you keep making the case that you're undateable? She's like, what do you mean? I'm like, it's almost like I tried to come up with a name in the spot. I was like, it's almost like you're coming up with a why I suck a list and then trying to, like, present that list to me and get me to buy into it. And she laughed. She's like, I guess I am. And I was like, why do you keep making that list? It's a terrible list. And she's like, I know it's a terrible list. I'm like, well, this is bleh. Let's change this, right? So that's what I invite you to do. Notice when you're making this why I suck a list and making a case against yourself and buying into these things. It's almost like watching the horror movies from the example I gave you and then stop, intervene, interrupt that pattern and choose to do something else in that moment. Maybe you take a bold action, maybe you express yourself, maybe you look for your strengths. Maybe you just stop focusing on yourself entirely and say if I was enough, if I was more than enough, what would I be doing right now on a Thursday afternoon or on a Saturday morning or whatever time of day it is, and then go do that thing and stop feeding energy into this old pattern that doesn't serve you or others or your purpose on this planet. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.