Rock Solid Confidence How To Handle Praise And Blame With Confidence / Dr Aziz

Hey, Dr. Aziz here. And welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. This is a show for you if you want to maximize your confidence in every area of life that matters to you. Your social confidence, your ability to connect with others, speak up boldly. Public speaking, being more free and assertive, as well as dating, relationships, your career, finances. I believe confidence is the key to success in all areas of our life. So the more you can increase your confidence, the better your life. And today for this episode, I wanted to answer a question that I got from a viewer from Emilia, and she said, Dr. Z's, could you make a video talking about getting very high on flattery and not knowing how to receive it or process it? That would be very helpful. Thank you so much. So let's drop that. There a couple questions that I'd be curious about. So what you'll find is when I'm working with someone, because a lot of the work that I do, I teach this stuff. But where I am really getting in with people is in coaching. And in coaching, it's not like they bring a thing. And I just like, here's all the answers. I need to find out more and really dig in with them. So here's some things I want to know from you, Amelia. As you said, I don't know how to receive it or process it. So the first question I'd want to ask you, and everyone could benefit from this because we all, I think, have filters up to receiving praise. So the first thing I want to know is what happens, what makes it when you get the praise, Slow way down and notice what happens. And maybe you can't in the moment. Maybe you kind of freak out in the moment, and that's okay. I know what that's like. Later that day, just slow down, get into kind of a calm space. You're just chilled out in your house, nothing big happening, and just be like, what? Go back there. Like, what was happening? Okay, they said that, and how did I feel? And maybe you'll even feel it in the moment later. But notice what happens. Here's a couple common things. One is there's, like, a tightening. There's a sense of discomfort, or I gotta get away. Like a squeamish, crawly, uncomfortable feeling. And then there's also a mental rejection of what they're saying. And on the benign side, the better side, it's like a dismissal. No, that's not really true. Oh, they don't really know all of me. That's not really true. We just kind of reject it. Worst Case is we actually turn their compliment into a form of criticism and they say, hey, you did a great job there. And we say, oh, they just feel sorry for me because I did so shitty and they're trying to make me feel better. And now you are convinced that you did really bad and that they're like taking pity on you because they think you're pathetic. I used to do that one. It's intense. So now their love energy has turned into, like self hatred. So we have that magical ability to transmute it. So we want to shift all that. So that's why I'd be curious to know what's happening for you. You said something interesting in there, though. You said, I get really high on flattery. So maybe there's something else happening for you that's unique. First of all, praise can feel good. I don't know if that's a problem, to feel good when someone compliments you. Maybe it is. Maybe say I get too high. I don't know how to deal with it. I mean, is it like someone gives you a compliment and you're like, yes, oh my God, it's too much, I can't handle it. I don't know if that's happening for you. Or maybe you feel really high and then you are worried about, oh, my God, how do I maintain this? That's another really common fear about receiving compliments. Someone's like, oh, you're so smart. You did an amazing job on this project. And then you think, great, that feels good. But oh, shit, now I got to do just that good on every single project. And I put a crazy amount of time into that, which means I got to put a crazy amount of time in every project from here on forevermore. Oh, shit, I can't maintain this. What if they see and I fail and I now they have this high expectation standard of me and I'm not going to be able to live up to it. That's another concern about getting high or letting the flattery come in. So I don't know exactly where you are. Those are some of the common ones. And I know for all of you watching who are not Amelia, I'm sure you're going to relate to some of those. I know those are all true in my experience. So how do we deal with this? How do we process it? Well, here's the thing. This is really valuable to know. You have a mechanism inside of you that's like a gate. And, you know, your cells have this. It's called a semipermeable membrane where like there's some object that wants to get into the cell, like a piece of sugar or whatever. And your cell looks at it and is like, yeah, let it in. And then sometimes something else comes in, like, you know, I don't know, some sort of free radical cell or something. And. And it wants to come in, and it's like, no. And it keeps shut so it doesn't open open or not. And the same thing with praise. So someone gives you some praise, and you either let it in or you don't. Now, here's the thing. All praise and blame is internal. This is super important to know. So let's say someone says, hey, you're really beautiful. You're really handsome. And in that moment, if you open the gate and let it in, the reason you feel good is because you then say, yeah, I am beautiful. I am handsome. You praise yourself and it gets validity, or it feels true because someone else said it. Does that make sense? That is super important to know because we think it's like, I got to get all this praise from the outside, and I got to protect myself from all the judgment on the outside. And then we're living in constant fucking threat and stress. And my event, the ultimate confidence breakthrough, that is the focus of that event because that's, you know, it's the ultimate breakthrough. I want to have people have a complete breakthrough in their confidence. They can say what they want, do what they want, be free to be who they are in the world at work and their relationships. And the biggest thing in that event, the goal for everyone there, is to realize there is no threat. There's no threat from anyone that I could talk to because most of us are walking around in a state that my boss is a threat. My co workers, if they like me or people I'm in relationship with, friends, even strangers, are a threat. I'm talking to this person at the airport, and it's them and their spouse, and they gotta like me. And their spouse has got to like me. And that dude who's like six seats over looking at his iPad, who's overhearing our conversation, also has to like me. And I'm in constant threat because I got to manage it all, and I don't really can't. And that comes from that fundamental illusion that it's coming from the outside, it's coming from within. So if someone came up to you and said, wow, Aziz, you're an amazing me, and they say, aziz, you're an amazing piano player, just incredible, I would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? I know, like, I learned, like, two songs when I was 12 years old. That doesn't even make sense. And so it has to map on to something that we approve or praise ourselves for or could. Does that make sense? So here's what you want to do to buffer yourself from that massive up and that massive down. You want to get a lot more a stronger sense of ego strength, of, like, I know what's good about me, and here are the things I regularly praise or approve of myself for. And at the same time, the things that I don't do well, that's okay. I'm human. I make mistakes. And the more we can get okay with both of that, then the more the outer ones don't have so much of an effect. So, you know, someone comes up to me, I just had this happen recently. Someone was like, oh, my God, your stuff changed my life. And I was like, right on. Good. I didn't feel that high because it was like, great. Good. And then someone else emailed me and said, you're a greedy asshole. And it's like, yeah, didn't taste very good. Okay. You know, but it's like this kind of. You just sort of notice these things coming your way, and the more steady and stable you can be yourself. So the best things I could say to become more stable is to one, regularly praise yourself. And a simple technique for this. There's two. One is to write out 10 things a day in a journal that are little things that you did that you could praise yourself for. Super small. I ate a healthy breakfast. I picked up the phone and called that person. I achieved this. I accomplished that. It could even be shit that you remember that you did. I remember a month ago, I did that thing that was cool. So you make your list of 10. Another thing you can do is you can just. Instead of making the list, you can just count. And notice that I learned this from David Burns. He said, use a golf counter, but who fucking wears a golf counter? If you have a smartwatch or phone or something, you can get a counter apple. And you just put it in your phone and you just press up on the counter app. They're free. And you just count up and you see, okay, today I'm going to notice how many times I could praise or approve of myself for no damn good reason. Not because I achieved something incredible, but just something small. Bing, bing. And you start counting it up. And if you got five one day, see, you can get six the next day. You might have to kind of force yourself at first, but over time it will become more and more natural and then you'll get into that more stable steady state state and finally just go easy on yourself. You know, it's a process. So if you notice, you get really high on flattery and you get anxious, that's okay. If you get real disturbed and upset at someone criticizing you, that's okay. We're just healing the stuff. We're noticing it. It's not about perfection. It's just about slowly growing and healing all this stuff. So thanks for listening. I hope that answers your question. If you're watching and you have questions for me, put them down below in the comments. I'd love to answer those in future episodes. And also subscribe if you want more stuff. And check out SocialConfidenceCenter.com to get my free eBook, 5 Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. You can find about the events I was mentioning one of my events. I have three a year that I run, as well as a bunch of other stuff. So check that out. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.