Say YES!

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo, welcome. Today's episode of the show. I'm excited to be with you. How are you today? Feeling good in your body or not? You feeling excited and empowered or tense and scared? Energetic or depleted and discouraged? No matter where you are, this episode is going to be helpful for you. By the end of this, I think you're going to be in a lot more of a surrendered state, at peace state or maybe even a more confident, empowered, active state. Whatever it is, whatever you need right now, this episode is going to help you get it and it's going to do it all with just one word. So I'm excited to do that with you in just a moment. If you're enjoying this show, do you know about my other resources? Have you checked out my YouTube channel? There's tons of stuff there for free called Get More Confidence on YouTube. Just go to YouTube and type in Get More Confidence. And we have, I don't even know how many videos at this point, maybe like 200 or more, all on different topics, all full of useful tips that you can use to, as the title would suggest, get More Confidence. So that's another super valuable resource for you. Also for free. If you, if you want to take what you're learning even further, faster and have it be very focused and step by step guidance to get to the next level in your life and your confidence. Then I recommend checking out my program, Confidence University, which you may have heard about. You can go to theconfidenceuniversity.com theconfidenceuniversity.com and in there you can learn all about the program. I'm not going to go into it here, but it is full. It took me almost two years to create everything that's in there and build it all out. And it is drawn from years of working with clients and groups, weekend workshops and one on one coaching as well as well as my own experience. And it guides you step by step Video by video, action, step by action, step through an incredibly dynamic, responsive, gamified program. So it actually makes it fun. And you start with core inner self confidence, becoming rejection proof, getting on your own side. And then we go into your social life. You can choose your dating and relationship life or your career, and eventually you can cover all those, but you get to choose kind of where you go. It's like a choose your own adventure. So I am extremely proud of it. We've been getting some great feedback from people as they've gone through it. So check that out@theconfidenceuniversity.com and let's talk about this word that's going to help you activate more power, freedom and confidence in yourself. What is the word? Well, if you looked at the title of this episode before you started listening to it, you know the word, it's yes. Say yes is what I love to say. So why? What does yes do for us and how is it valuable? Well, first things first, let's go through the things you want to say yes to. Starting at the top. You want to say yes to yourself, yes to you, yes to who you are. Because unfortunately, we can be doing this. You might have been this for years, so you might be doing it like today, right now, as you're listening to this, we're subtly saying no to ourselves. We don't like, you know, maybe you don't like who you are or how you act, or I'm this way and I should be that way. Any sense of, like, I should be different, I should be better. Ah, nyeh. And there's this energy of no towards ourselves. And you know, depending on your upbringing, you may have gotten a very direct message. You aren't smart enough, you aren't good enough, you aren't funny enough. You should be more this way or more that way or more whatever. And you might have been thinking, well, listen, man, I'm listening to your podcast. I want to build my confidence, so of course I need to be different. In fact, isn't that what you're teaching me, how to do? Well, not really. Because what I'm teaching you and what I'm hoping you're getting out of this show is how to be 100% you. And in fact, you're not changing who you are. You're actually activating more of who you are. And if anything, you're letting go of the limiting, crushing stories that are keeping you small, tight, inhibited, and not freely yourself. So as you release those, more and more of you comes out. So saying yes to yourself right now. And knowing that you are an ever evolving process. You're not static, you're not fixed, you're not this one thing, like, there it is. It's permanently me. This is that. No, you are fluid. You're like a river. You're like a waterfall. And so saying yes to yourself is just saying, yeah, this is where the water is right now. So even if you have something that you think is totally unacceptable, oh, man, I'm overweight. I'm 50 pounds overweight. How can I say yes to that? Or I broke up, I ended this relationship and I messed it up, and I want this person back, and they don't want to have me back, and I hate myself for ruining it. How can I say yes to that? How can I say yes to the me that did that? And let me show you. Instead of telling you, when you say no, in fact, do it right now. Just really close your eyes. Close your mind and close your eyes and say no. And think of the situation that you think is just totally unacceptable, whether it's your weight or a certain current situation or something you did in the past. And you're just like, no, I wish I hadn't done that, or I shouldn't be this way, or this is wrong, or I suck. This is kind of frustration energy. And I want you to just, if you can close your eyes. If you're driving, you don't have to close your eyes, but just direct all of your emotional energy towards, no, no to this part, no to this situation, no to myself being this way. And notice how you feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, discouraged. You know, oftentimes, if this is not brand new, it's got a quick superhighway in your neural pathways to hopelessness, helplessness, depression, anxiety. This is bad. It's a bad highway. Don't go on that highway. Instead, what if you say yes to yourself? And what I found the biggest factor for this is not that. In fact, you can try it right now, see what that's like. So focus on the thing that you don't like. You know, focus on your weight. Focus on that that person doesn't want to be with you anymore. Focus on that you don't have that job. Or focus on the mistake you made and just breathe fully and deeply into your belly, into your chest, into your heart and say, yes, Yes, I am 50 pounds overweight right now. Yes, I got jealous and caused a bunch of fights, and then he broke up with me. Or she dumped me. Yes, yes, I made that mistake. Yes. And what Happens is you do that. Now, when I do this with clients, one of two things happens. One, they either start to say yes to themselves and they feel better. They can breathe a little deeper. Hasn't solved all their problems, but I'll tell you this, it solves the core problem, which is being against, at odds with yourself. And when you're at odds with yourself, you're not a better problem solver. You're much less likely to effectively solve the problems in your life. You're much more likely to stay in helplessness, hopelessness, despair, discouragement, being stuck. And then that perpetuates for years or decades. So saying yes gets you on your own side, so it feels better. That's only one thing that can happen when I do this with people, though something else can happen is they don't feel better. And why don't they feel better? Well, because they're not really doing it. They're like, no, no, no. I say no to your yes, bastard, and back off. Don't you take this away from me. I have to hate myself in this way in order to be better, in order to succeed, right? So we have something we're holding onto. We're getting what's called secondary gain, where we are meeting our needs somehow by holding on to this no towards ourselves. Usually the need is for certainty. So at least I know that there's something wrong with me, or I know I have to fix this thing, and I know it. I know that that's right and anything else is wrong gives you a sense of certainty, sometimes significance, because we feel like we're the worst in the world. I'm different than everybody. I'm worse than everybody, doesn't feel good, but at least I'm separate and significant. So we can meet some of our basic needs in a very unhelpful way, or you can just decide right now to say yes to yourself. And it's really an act of trust, isn't it? Because the fear is, well, if I say yes to being 50 pounds overweight, then I'm going to become 80 pounds overweight. But that is a simplistic and inaccurate view of yourself and of humans. It's this idea that love and acceptance somehow leads to overindulgence. And that's not really. Not really. You can test it out. But truly and deeply, saying yes to yourself is actually a prerequisite for change. And since we're talking about weight, that was just an arbitrary example. But when I worked in one of the clinics at Stanford, during my training, there was a study they were doing on binge eating disorder, where people. Binge eating disorder is kind of like bulimia, which you may have heard of, where people binge eat and then induce vomiting or other types of purging, whether it's laxatives or sometimes there's exercise purging, where people go work out like crazy every day to make up for all the food that they ate. And binge eating disorder, though, the people didn't throw up or have any compensatory behavior. They just ate a lot and then felt terrible about themselves. And so this study was testing something called dbt, dialectical behavioral therapy to see like, hey, is this helpful? But one of the tenets of DBT is acceptance and change, not acceptance or change. It's acceptance and change. So the whole first part of the program was having these people focus on accepting themselves as they were, and then they work on interventions to curb emotional eating and other things like that. But what was fascinating is to watch the way the people came in and within, like, two or three weeks, how different they were towards themselves. Like, the first time they were introduced to, like, accept yourself as you are, they were like, what? Does not compute. Like, you're speaking a different language. And then after, like, two to three weeks of actively working on it because they were motivated, man, they were sick and tired of being stuck. So they were ready to try something, and you could see it was amazing. It didn't mean they automatically said yes to themselves, and it was easy, but they really got that they wanted to do that, and it made all the difference, and it was very effective. I don't remember the numbers at this point, because I was, like, a billion years ago. What was that like? Wow, More than, like, almost 14 years ago. Crazy. Something like that. In any case, they had. The ones that went through this program had significantly better results than people that did not. So there was great benefit in that. So acceptance, yes. Saying yes to yourself actually helps you change. So saying yes to yourself, saying yes to your life right now. So not just you, but also all of your circumstances, everything. This is a very powerful meditation that I do sometimes. And you can do it. You know, you don't have to sit down and be in a lotus posture to do it. I'll do it while I'm running. I'll do it. Just when I'm just in daily life, when I notice myself tensing and fighting and getting upset, I'll start to breathe more deeply. I'll feel this, like, tension inside of me. That's just a strong no to the external world. No to something that's happening, and I just start saying yes to it. And I'll sometimes narrate to myself, like, yes to being tired from not sleeping that much last night. Yes to Armand waking up a lot during the night. Yes to that conflict with my colleague. Yes to me feeling uncomfortable about that conflict with my colleague. Yes to. Yes to just everything that's happening, just saying yes to it. You can go through it in your mind. You can say it out loud. The key is to breathe and say yes to it. And does this mean you would choose it? No. Does this mean that you love it? No. Does this mean that you're resigning yourself to endure it forever and just be a passive, rudderless buoy in the ocean that gets buffeted around by life? No. In fact, you can have total agency and power to change a lot of things, but what it means is, in this moment, this is what's happening. And so I'm going to say yes to yes, this is happening. Yes, that's what's arising inside of me or in my life now what am I going to do? And when we come at changing things in our lives from a place of no, it's a lot harder. We're in tension, we're in resistance, we are reactive, we're angry. Because what's happening is like, this shouldn't be happening. Oh, I gotta handle this problem. Like, ugh. Like, just earlier today, I got a back and forth with my bookkeeper and one of the bank accounts that they have access to to enter numbers in from. They couldn't log in anymore. So then I tried to go log in and I got kicked out and I had to call the bank, call their online accessing department. Now, probably you and everyone else, myself included, that's probably not top of your list of things that you want to do. So it's like, oh, man. I had these tasks and things I wanted to take care of at work. These projects, like recording podcasts and other higher leverage things that are way more exciting and interesting and valuable to me and others. I got to call the bank. Fortunately, they had a callback feature so I don't have to stay on hold for 25 minutes, which is what the hold time was. So they called me back, which was pretty sweet. I could work on something else. But still, nonetheless, before I had to call them, I was like, ugh. And in the past, when I had to do stuff like that, like call the bank or get on the insurance company or whatever, phone call, and I was put through hold and had to work through a system and type in numbers or talk to one person, then another. I'd just have like a piss poor attitude. I'd be like, irritated. And sometimes I could contain the irritability and sometimes I couldn't. I'd just be kind of short or irritable or condescending. And so what I started doing was because I could have been in like a totally fine emotional state, and then I have to do something like that, and then I'd be all pissed off about it. And so I said, what's going on here? I think this is just a habit. And what was happening there was this story that was like, I'm too important for this. Do you know who I am? I don't have time for this shit. And that was like the unconscious story there. So I was like, okay, let me just start, you know, like, humble myself. Like, yeah, I have to do this stuff. Like I'm a human in this modern bureaucratic era. So I say yes. So before I called the bank, yes. Yes to the login not working for the bookkeeper, yes for me needing to do this now, yes. And so made the call and was very friendly. In fact, what I've done is I've gone so far as to like, create a warm, positive relationship with the person's like, hi, welcome to Blah blah blah. And I'm like, hey, hey, you know Terry, or whatever his name was, how you doing today? And I ask it in like a warm, friendly, engaging way. It's like, hey, what's up? Yeah, shut up, give me my password. He's like, hi, sir, welcome to Blah blah blah. And I'm like, hey, Terry, how's it going today? And I actually pause and I hear their answer, oh, I'm doing pretty good. And they say, how about sometimes I'll say, how about you? And then I don't say, yeah, shut up, give me my password. I say, well, you know, and I share a little bit. I don't go into super depth. Well, Terry, let me tell you about my morning. I'm a little constipated right now. No, I don't go into all that. And by the way, I don't get constipated because I eat vegan. Son, it's like, you can't get constipated on a vegan diet. By the way, all the fiber, it's incredible. Any case, that advertisement aside, check out the starch solution by Dr. John McDougall. The China Study by T. Collin Campbell. Rich Rolls, Book Finding Ultra. Those are some good Stuff. Get you started. Little side note. Been doing it for a year. Fantastic. Best shape of my life. Telling you. Anyway, say yes. Say yes to the annoying things, the little things. Say yes to the big things. Say yes to, like, you're getting a divorce right now. You probably say no to that. Like 99% of the time. Say yes to it. It's just not denying what is. It's just sanity, really. Because to deny it and saying, no, this isn't happening. No, this isn't happening. You're just clenching your guts. You're, like, hoping you're gonna change reality around you by tensing your innards and just being like, no. No. In fact, sometimes we use this to help teach my son. And forgive me if I've already told this story in this podcast. I don't remember at this point what I record where just like a floating, talking voice box. And we were at the airport, and we're in line. He was probably. He just turned four at this point. And we're waiting in this line and we get to the TSA check in or the security screening, and I was like, oh, my God, this is a long line. This is bad. So we're waiting in the line, waiting in the line, and sure enough, like, quarter of the way into the line, it's like, daddy, when are we gonna be done? And it's like, okay, and start working with him. Play some games with him, verbal games, other stuff like that. And then we get pretty close. Like, we're almost to the part where you get to put your stuff on the X ray, conveyor belt stuff. But then he starts really losing his shit. And he's just like. And I have this character that I play with him called Bossy Bear. And I'm Bossy Bear. Bossy Bear comes out of me. And Bossy Bear is absurd. Bossy Bear, you know, basically, Zaim will fight against Bossy Bear to do the quote, right thing. So Bossy Bear never wants to brush his teeth. So then Zaim's like, no, you have to brush your teeth, Bossy Bear. And then he runs over and brushes his own teeth. Eh, yes. Using my powers, my decades of psychology study, to bend my child's feeble mind to my will. But for his own good. For his own good, of course. And so Bossy Bear does all, you know, Bossy Bear only drinks candy. Drinks candy, drinks soda and eats candy and never brushes his teeth. All that kind of stuff. So anyway, we're in the. In the airport line and he starts freaking out. And I'm like, okay. Oh, bossy bear's coming. And that usually gets his attention. He's like, what's this wacky character gonna do? And then a bossy bear comes out, and he goes, this line is too long. I can't wait any longer. I can't wait any longer. Ooh, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna close my eyes, I'm gonna squeeze my guts. I'm gonna say no to this line, and I'm gonna get really, really angry inside. And then when I open my eyes, the line's gonna be gone. You think that's gonna happen? And then he looks up at me. He's got this big smile on his face. He's like, no. I'm like, well, here I go, you know? And I close my eyes, and I really, like, go for it. Clench my. Clench my bowels. Clench my chest. Get all. And then I open my eyes. Did it work? And he's like, no. So I do it, like two or three times. He's cracking up. It actually was a good, almost progressive muscle relaxation. I was tensing the second time I did it tensed all my muscles on purpose, and it was very. It's quite relaxing, actually. But that's what we're doing. We're, like, clenching our guts, literally. If you're stressed out enough and saying no to your life a lot and you're afraid of a lot of stuff, you. You will have bowel problems. I have definitely had that in my life, whether it's IBS or something more severe. But, you know, upset stomach, digestion, problems from stress, from saying no to life. We can do this in all kinds of different ways, and it doesn't work. So saying yes to your life circumstances, saying yes to your feelings, that is a huge one. That one will unlock a door of freedom like you wouldn't believe to. Just say yes to whatever you're feeling right now. Right now, as you're listening to me, and right now, for the rest of your day and your life, really, say yes. It's the same thing as your life, circumstances and yourself. Doesn't mean that you love the feeling. It's just yes. This is what's here right now, and we can spend so much time in. No, no, no, no, no. I shouldn't feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. How long is this going to last? There's a million and one ways we can resist it. Say yes. Say yes to what you're feeling in this moment. Breathe and allow it. I can't tell you how many times I'll be feeling bad, and then I'll check in with myself and be like, what's going on? Oh, I'm feeling scared, or I'm feeling tense or I'm feeling sad. But there's also this strong layer of, like, I don't want to feel this way. When's this going to go away? It's like this impatience or irritation with a feeling. And then I catch that, and then I just start to say yes to it. Yes, I'm sad right now. Yes, I'm anxious about going to do that thing or talk to those people or whatever, breathing, saying yes. And all of a sudden, everything doesn't feel so terrible anymore. I'll even feel a physical shift in my body that I'm not, like, bracing or tensing against emotions. So say yes to your feelings. Last thing. Well, there's many more things to say yes to, but one thing I want to share in this episode. Say yes to your dreams. Yes to your dreams. Man. The default can be so quick to say no or no's like, sneaky cousin. How? I see this a lot in people, especially when they're just starting to listen and ask themselves, like, what do I want? What do I want in my relationship? My romantic relationship? What do I want in my life? What do I want in my career? What kind of work do I want to do in the world? What do I really want? They start to ask the bigger questions when I work with them. And if confidence is not, if I have the confidence to go after whatever I want, what do I want? And what almost immediately happens is in that same conversation, like, literally the same conversation of deep exploration of what you really want comes. Yeah, but how? How would I do that? So any little idea they have, it's like this little plant starting to blossom, or not even blossom, just sprout this little sprout of potential for their dream. They step on it with a boot and say, how, How. How would I do it? And if you ask how too early, it's the dream killer. So how is another. It's another form of no almost. Because it's sort of like, well, how would you do that? You don't have an answer. Well, then you can't do it. It's no. It's no. No or no because. Oh, my God, no. People might judge me. No, I might fail. No, no, no. Just say yes because why the shit not? I mean, how many years you got? I don't know. Maybe a couple decades. Maybe a lot of decades. Maybe not. Maybe a Couple of years. None of us really know. And what are you doing? What are you doing here? What do you want? And are you going to go after it? I was just talking about this yesterday in a Mastermind call where a client is working on creating his own business on the side of his career, and he's sort of going slow and tentative about it, like, well, it's taking me a long time to figure out this step and then that step. And I was like, yeah, well, you're doing it, which is awesome. But you have control over the throttle. You control how fast your life moves to some degree. I mean, we can't make things happen instantly. There's a certain rate that. That an oak tree grows. However, if you give that oak tree optimal conditions, it will grow a lot faster than if it has terrible conditions. It's got a lot of light, a lot of sun, a lot of water, a lot of nutrients in the soil. Then it will grow, it will flourish quickly. We have control over how many things that he can do to grow his business. I listed five or six things that he could do, things that I did to grow my business. And he's like, whoa. I'm just seeing how I'm telling myself a lot of stories, and if I got into more action, then a lot more would happen. I said, indeed it will. So how long are you going to wait? Say yes to those dreams, because life gets way more exciting when you get in the game and start pursuing them. And, of course, that takes confidence. So that's what you're here for, and that's what you're getting. Start by saying yes. In fact, one last. Oh, actually, we'll save the last thing for your action step. So let's get into your action step right now. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to say yes, literally, to all the different areas that we talked about, but I mean, actually out loud right now. Yes, I know, it's crazy. So on the count of three, you're just gonna say the word yes. Okay. And I don't know, if you're in a public space, then whisper it. It's a yes. Or cough it. Yes. Okay, here we go. And if you're alone, man, let it fly. Or if you're with someone that you love, your family members, who cares? Right? Here we go. 1, 2, 3. Yes. Good. Again with more power, more fullness. 1, 2, 3. Yes. Good. Now again. Say it like you mean it. Breathe fully and deeply here. Ready? One, two, three. Yes. How does that feel? Just say it. Live it. And you'll be amazed what doors open up for you. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.