Self-Confidence: How To Date With Confidence

If you're single right now and you're in the wide world of dating, I want to ask you a question. Is your dating life exciting or terrifying? You know, they asked Einstein the question, what's the most important question that we as people can ask and answer for ourselves in our lifetimes? And he said, it's Is the universe a friendly place or not? And the same thing applies to your dating life. Is your dating world a friendly place, a place of excitement and opportunity and adventure and fun and connection and joy? Or is it a scary place, an unfriendly place, a terrifying place of continual rejection, expected rejection, lack of trying, her not wanting to go back out with you after you had one date, feeling like a loser, feeling lonely, longing and missing for life that you don't have if you're in that place or any version of that. I know, it sucks. I spent a long time there. And if you watch any of the videos on my site or my story in the about section, you'll know I spent a long time there. And so I come to this topic of creating a dating life that inspires and excites you. Not from some sort of book learning or not from some sort of. Like, I was a natural and I just had it all figured out and now I'm sharing my secrets. No, I was the guy who was stuck and on the sidelines and bumbling and suffering. And so I know the way out because I found my way out. And I want to help you get there as well, to create a dating life that is what you want it to be. And so the first thing we have to look at is there's what stops you from having the dating life that you want. And really, it's two things. There are two things that stop you from creating enjoyable, enriching dating life that really serves you, that feels fun. And what is that? The first thing is a lack of risk. You're stuck in shyness or not having the dating life you want. I can pretty much guarantee that it's a lack of risk that you're taking. No, I don't mean you should, you know, eat a handful of pills from that guy at the rave or start having unprotected sex with women you don't know. I mean, healthy risk, the risk that builds you up, the risk that you know that you want to take, but that you're scared to do it. So you hesitate, you hold back, you inhibit yourself, you talk yourself out of it. That's the kind of risk that you have to make a shift around those Are the healthy risks. What are some healthy risks? In the world of dating, it is you see someone that you want to start a conversation with. You're drawn to them, you're attracted to them. It doesn't matter where you are. You're in a Starbucks, you're at a bookstore, you're at the gas station. It doesn't matter where you are. And you see that person, you have that moment of. You're like, oh, wow, who's that? You'd be able to take a risk to go talk to that person. You'd be able to initiate with that, and then it progresses from there. Let's say you do have a conversation with someone. Doesn't matter how you met them, and then you want to ask them out on a date. Risk is there, right? So I can't tell you how often it is. I'll be working with a guy and will get past the first stage where they can at least start interacting with women. But then they'll chat with them for a while. Great conversation. Really short and simple. And. And then, of course, at the end, they want to ask them out, but what do they do? I know, I've done this so many times. You say, long, awkward pause. Well, it's been nice chatting with you, Sarah. I'll see you later. And you leave and you're like, what am I doing? I didn't even get her number. And she's kind of like, if she had a good time, she's like, was he not into me? What's happening? And that's it. And I can't tell you how many times I kicked myself for opportunities like that. A, for the opportunities I never. The risks I never even took to start the conversation. And B, the next level of risk where I didn't want to ask her out. And of course, you know, the risks don't end, right? Because then you ask her out. Let's say you're having a good time. You want to express that you want to share something with her that you're excited about. Maybe you're enjoying your time and you want to share that. That's a level of risk that we're scared to take. Then maybe you want to kiss her. You want to demonstrate that you're into her. You want to hug her, you want to touch, you want to do something. Risk, right? And risk to go to the bedroom. Risk to be authentic and vulnerable during sex and really be who you are. I mean, risk, risk, risk. And so the main inhibiting factor that's stopping you from having the life that you want is a lack of risk. And the reason I'm saying that is because the story that you're telling yourself about why you're not having the dating life that you want is a lie. Now, I know I don't know you, I haven't met you and you might say, well, that's presumptuous, but I've seen this enough, I've worked with enough guys and I've seen it in myself to know that we just make up stories. You know, my story was I can't go talk to that woman because I am not tall and muscular enough, so I know she's going to reject me. I can't talk to that woman because I have pigmentation around my eyes that I know that she would find unattractive. So I had all these reasons why I knew it wouldn't work out and, or my clothes weren't good enough or whatever. And then therefore I'm not going to try. So AKA I'm not going to take the risk. So if you eliminate that middleman and just say, you know what, it's B.S. the reality is I'm terrified, then you have something you can work with because then you can build your courage. But as long as you're lying to yourself and saying it's because X, Y and Z and my appearance and this sort of thing, it's not. If you really look at it, you can see some of the most strange looking men with beautiful women and everyone's a fit for someone. So don't buy into that media crap that tells you that you have to look and be this perfect, polished person. It's a lie. The reality is you have to start taking those risks. And then the second thing, something I alluded to a little bit earlier, but in order to have a dating life that feels really good to you, there's something that's lacking as well. And that is a lack of authenticity. It's a lack of being real, it's a lack of being yourself. It is so easy to not be ourselves when it comes to dating. I mean, just there's so many different ways it can go. One, the most simple way is we are. There's someone you want to talk to. You get nervous because you want to get her approval because you have the idea from social conditioning that the more beautiful someone is, the more attractive someone is, the more they're worth. Which is also a total crock. But we get programmed in this stuff and if you don't actively work on unprogramming it, you get stuck in it. And then you want her approval, and so you stop being yourself. How do you stop being yourself? Well, you start doing a song and dance that I call the nice guy. And the nice guy is agreeable. He smiles and nods. He doesn't make offensive jokes. He tells her that she's, oh, you're so funny and great, and, oh, I want to take you out to dinner. I think you're the greatest, you know? You know, you have this, like, eager people pleasing, kind of needy quality to it. And how does that work with women? Well, as you probably know, not very well. That either ends you with a rejection or into the friend zone. And I spent a lot of time both, and I didn't even know I was doing it. I thought I was like, okay, I'm taking the risk to go talk to her, But I was just being a nice guy. I wasn't being me. I wasn't being the me that's hanging out with my buddies or I'm making jokes and kind of off the wall and sometimes, like, inappropriate and I tease, and I'm just comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't doing that. So that's a lack of authenticity. What's another lack of authenticity? Well, I swung the other side of the pendulum, like most guys do. If you start researching this stuff and looking up on the Internet into the world of the pickup artist. Right. The world of the pickup artist is I'm going to show you 43 ways to seduce her into making her want you. So when you go up to her, say this, you know, I noticed you noticing me over there. Yeah, right. I'm being cocky or something. Oh, God. And I did do that stuff. And you know what? It kind of worked. That's the mind trip part, is that it kind of works. But do you know why it works? Mostly because they encourage you to take risks. And secondly, because you're conveying certain aspects of your own value. Like, I don't need your approval. You might want to impress me. Like, that's what's communicating all the pickup artist stuff. So there's elements of it. Well, if you had a high enough esteem of yourself, you just naturally do it. And so when you try to do it and, oh, my God, I tried to do it for years, I listened to so many pickup artist courses and put it all in my brain. And every time I'd interact with someone, I'd have, like, an algorithm of say that that's less attractive. Do this. Remember this? You know, it's had, like, 17 coaches in my head telling Me what to do. And. And I made progress because at least I was talking to women, but I didn't feel good about myself. I couldn't say I was enjoying my dating life because I was nervous a lot of the time underneath, you know, and even if I, you know, progressed to interacting with her, maybe even slept with her, I'd still be nervous underneath because I wasn't being myself. I didn't fully realize and believe that she liked me for who I was. And so that's the downside of some of the pickup artist stuff. So lack of risk, lack of authenticity. So if you can transform those things, you can transform your entire dating experience in your entire dating life. So how do we change this? First, you have to change your entire orientation towards risk. You have to realize that risk is part of life. That if we try to live a life without taking risks, what happens is we get painting ourselves into a tiny and tinier and smaller and smaller corner where a range of options get smaller and smaller and smaller. If you try to live your life devoid of all risk, then you're just surviving. You're not really thriving. And eventually you end up having to take the risk anyway. It's just. You're unprepared for it. So you have to shift that orientation. Say, you know what? I'm willing to take a risk and start paying attention to maybe what will happen if you don't. If you don't go talk to that person, if you don't take that risk, if you don't put yourself out there. What kind of life can you expect? What's going to just happen for you? And please get rid of the story that says something magical just happened and she'll move in next to me. I mean, I had this fantasy, and I was, like, in middle school, like, 12 or 13. I was just starting to realize that I didn't want to take risks. I didn't think that at the time I was telling myself, I'm ugly, but the reality was I didn't want to take risks. And so you know what? I would fantasize about that two girls from my class that I liked would, like, knock on my window in my room at night and be like, you know, hey, we want to come and hang out and party. And I would just, like, imagine that happening to soothe myself or something or make me think that it was going to happen, but it never, never obviously happened. Any idea you have about that? Like, someone will move in next to me, or I'll just meet someone or a friend of a friend will introduce us and it'll be great. Maybe, but can you bank on that? And how often is that going to happen? Once a. You know, every six months, once a year. So you have to take charge. The only way to take charge is to take life, you know, by the horns and take those risks again and again and again and let those risks shape you. Let them transform you by making you scared and terrified, but then elated. Or you try and you fail and you learn something. Let them be a part of your growth and your development. Because that's hopefully what your single and dating life is, is to really develop and grow yourself, not just to find someone who maybe shower you with love. That's not what you want. You want to be growing the whole time, right? And so if you wait to say, well, I'm going to find someone and then my life will start living. No, start developing, growing and putting yourself out there now and then by the time you meet someone, you are rocket fuel. You are incredibly desirable because you've developed yourself, so you gotta start taking those risks. And the other thing you have to start doing is you have to just totally change the way you relate to yourself. Because consistently with shyness and social anxiety, people treat themselves terribly and they're critical of themselves and they're hard on themselves. And I know this firsthand how brutal I could be to myself in my head. And so as long as you're doing that, dating is miserable because you're going to get rejected. If you take a risk and you talk to her, she's not going to want to talk to you or you're going to ask her out and she's going to say no. I mean, that's just. No one has 100% success rate. That's ridiculous. It's a sorting process. You're trying to figure out who you fit with and you're going to be rejecting other people as well. And so you have to be compassionate with yourself, kind with yourself, know how to talk to yourself in such a way that you support and encourage and build yourself up. That's why so much of my material and all these blogs and videos and in my programs is dedicated to that. Because if you don't have that, you're just trying to fake it on the outside. But if you do have that and you really like yourself on a deep level and you figured out how to do that, which is a skill, then everything becomes so much easier. So if you take anything from this video, take the idea that you have to start taking risks, and I want to Ask you a question. What is a risk that you can take today? Someone in your social circle, someone a woman on the street, it doesn't have to be a woman. You can take risks in your non dating life and it will transfer over make eye contact with people walking the other way on a street, smile and say hi to them. Man, woman, old lady, young kid, it doesn't matter because you're developing that ability to put yourself out there and take risks. And if you want to go even deeper with this stuff, then my programs are really designed to produce a transformation or a shift in you, especially in the area of dating relationships. Now if you want just a basic kind of self esteem and social skills overview, then you got to look at the confidence code that goes narrows down directly into that. If you want to learn how to break through your fears and take risks and just have an incredible amount of unstoppable courage, then you got to get confidence unleashed. Because that program will just like rip you open in terms of being who you are in the world. Now if you want to take it from like 0 to 120 and just go from like I don't even know how to talk to a woman to like you're asking a woman that you just met at a bookstore and she says yes, then you have an amazing time with her on a fun date, you got to get 30 days to Dating Mastery. It's a 30 day every single day you'll get a video coaching session just like this where it gives you a specific nugget of information that you need and then a mission. Because if you don't take new action, you're not going to get a different result. All this stuff about taking the risk. So that one's a program for you if you really want to just master this area once and for all. And let's face it, the reality is I'm giving basics here. Risk be authentic. But you also have to learn how to develop your social skills, right? I mean, because talking to women, being comfortable talking to them, knowing how to flirt with them, knowing how to tease them, I mean that's a skill as well. And just being yourself will get you a chunk of the way. But if you treat her like one of your dude buddies and you don't know how to relate to a woman and her psychology, then it's going to be hard to have the level of success that you want. Because to me, the ultimate level of success, I don't know what it is for you. To me it used to be I have to sleep with the most beautiful women, one after another. And I tried that for a while and I slept with some beautiful women. And that was not success, let me tell you, because I didn't feel great. And success to me then became. I want to know. I want to be so confident in myself and love myself so much and be able to just take risks so willingly that I know that I'm going to meet woman after woman until I find the one that is so amazing that I don't have to settle. And that's success for me. I want her to be beautiful. I want her to be intelligent. I want her to be funny. I want her to be emotionally communicative and get me. I want her to be kind and supportive and nurturing. I want the whole package. And the only way for me to get the whole package was to become that myself and to just keep putting myself out there, keep taking risks, keep learning those social skills. So 30 days to dating Mastery will teach you all of those social skills as well in a high level of depth. So check out one of those programs or just check out the blog or if nothing else, take a risk today. So thanks for listening. Check out other pages on this site and I'll talk to you more soon. Until we speak again, have the courage to be who you are, to know that you have something to offer and to give and just take a chance. Just put yourself out there. Talk to you soon.