Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Welcome to Shrink for the shy guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about something, something generally sucky, but so good. So good for you to see, to identify, and ultimately to liberate yourself from. Because otherwise it keeps you stuck. And so if you've been feeling stuck in a certain area of your life or stuck and being able to grow your confidence or stuck with some anxiety issue and you're like, I just don't know what to do and how, and that sort of thing often. This we're gonna talk about today is a big contributing factor that keeps people stuck, stuck. And I'm going to explain it very clear detail, make it super simple. So you're going to absolutely get and understand it and take it out of the unconscious where it's usually running us into a place where you get to be in the driver's seat, you get to choose, and you get to choose something different. So I'm so excited to share this. This is going to be a very liberating episode. And if you're benefiting from this show, please go to itunes. You may want to pause this right now or when the show's done, whatever your preference is, go to itunes and give this show a rating, whatever rating you think it deserves. And also if you would write a little review that's really helpful as well, what that's going to do is it's going to help me get more feedback from you and also help me reach more people, because there's a lot of people just like you and me out there who on some level are struggling with this stuff, but just don't know their solutions, don't know there's a way out. And so they just, you know, think about your journey and what's led you to here, and maybe you've taken some twists and turns down some stuff that's not been that helpful. And so my mission is to give people the exact content, tools, environments, and Opportunities to radically change this. Not to be told. Listen, you have social anxiety disorder and so you gotta take this medication for the rest of your life and you're probably gonna have it anyway, but you know, see what you can do. Which is unfortunately an often all too dismal prognosis that many people get. And that actually relates to spiritual specifically. The topic of this episode too, which is about self fulfilling prophecies. So if you'd be willing to support me in this mission to reach more people, because that's what I'm here to do, is to eradicate social anxiety and self doubt and help people step into the boldest, freest, most confident version of themselves. I'd love to be a partner with you and join together to be able to make that shift in the world. So once you've done that, thank you. And let's talk about self fulfilling prophecies. This is probably a term that you've heard before. It's kind of got a little more notoriety in pop psychology in the last 10 years or so. Self fulfilling prophecies, what does that mean? Okay, a prophecy is a prediction of what's going to happen in the future. Usually associated to texts of ye olden times, but it's a prediction of what's going to happen in the future. Self fulfilling means you bring it about. Self fulfilling, you bring about your prediction of the future. That's what self fulfilling prophecy means. And it's sort of basic if you break down the definition of it. So is that sucky? Could it be good, could it be bad? Well, it actually can go in a positive direction. And we'll talk about that some today as well. Generally when it's unconscious, it's not going in the positive direction, it's going in a negative direction that doesn't support you or your life, or living your purpose or feeling authentically you or confident or free. It's the opposite of all that. And that's the thing that we wanna get real clear eyes on and see it as it is. So you can choose differently. But here's how it works. You have a perception of yourself, an identity. This is who I am, this is what I'm capable of. Well, probably. Okay, let me take a step back. It starts with basics. You know, I am a man or I am a woman, or I am transgender, I am heterosexual, gay, lesbian, I am this tall, I am this ethnicity, I am this location, nation that I live in. You know, you have some basics. Those are your stats in your identity. Then beyond that, you start to have more nebulous stuff that's more about like, here's what I'm capable of and here's what I'm not capable of. So in my identity, I am very capable when it comes to learning. I mean, all kinds of, like, intellectual stuff. So if you were to throw a new area of study at me, like finances or something, I'm kind of like, okay, that's not been my major study for most of my life. So it's not like psychology or something where I'm like, bring it on. But if it's like finances, I'm like, okay, but hey, put me in the right environment with the right training, and it might be hard or uncomfortable or grindy as I'm learning new things, but I can learn that, you know, that goes back to my days of being. I was a good student. I could just learn things and take notes and memorize stuff and just get concepts. So I'm good at that. I'll learn that relatively. Put me in a new environment to teach me something. I'll get it very quickly. If you say, aziz, I'm going to show you how to take apart your bike and put it back together again, I'm going to say, no, thank you. That sounds like being dipped in acid, right? Aziz, let me open up the hood of your car and show you how to fix the do wikis inside. I'm gonna be like, oh, God, I gotta get out of here. Right? So in my identity, I am not skilled with mechanical constructions and I'm slow to learn them, and I'm not gonna be able to do that. Right? Okay. That's just one area. All the different. You know, we have thousands of different scenarios where we think we're gonna be competent or incompetent. We're gonna get it quickly, we're gonna get it slowly. We can or we can't. Then on top of that, you have an identity of how valuable you are, how lovable you are, how worthwhile you are, how worthy you are, how significant you are, how worthy of respect you are, how where you are on the totem pole, on the social hierarchy that's operating beneath the surface. Are you high up? Are you at 10 out of 10? Are you a 3 out of 10? Are you? Depends on who you're around. What's that based on? Is it based upon money? Is it based upon your size? Is it based upon your status? Is it based upon your appearance, your face, your eye color, your bank account? So all of this stuff is coming together and it's churning. And guess how much of this is conscious? Yeah, very little. It's the tip of the iceberg. We become a little bit of aware of this stuff as we're growing, but most of it's unconscious. And so there it is. It's in the unconscious, but it is steering you in so many different ways. And so if someone were to say, hey, Aziz, let me show you how to take your bike apart and put it back together again, and I say, no, thank you, I'm not going to be able to do that. And it's going to be really long and take forever to figure out how to do that. That's not a major issue in my life. My life can go quite well if I can never take apart my bike and put it back together again. In fact, I intend to make that the case. My life will be great and I'll never learn that skill. But what if the story was, hey, let me show you how to become more assertive and speak up for yourself at work. Let me show you how to become more confident. Let me show you how to be able to put yourself out there and dating confidently and connect with the person you really want. And then the person says, no, it's their version of the me and bikes. And they say, well, that sounds great, but I'm not going to be able to do that. They have a story of incompetence, incapability, unworthiness, something that gets in the way. This happens to me. I'll talk to people who want coaching, could benefit from what I'm teaching and offering. And it's not like, oh, it's not a good fit for whatever reason. There's a specific type of person. I'll talk to them. And I know the reason that they're a no is because they have a self fulfilling prophecy. And the prophecy says, I'm not going to get that anyway. It doesn't matter if I study it like those other people in your programs. It doesn't matter if I practice it like other people and get the results. It doesn't matter if they got it. That's not possible for me. Why? Because I'm different. Why? Because it's like putting a bike back together again. I just can't do it. So are you starting to see how detrimental this could be? Because what if you have a story that says I'm not going to be like a confident, outspoken person? That's not, I can't do that. Well, first of all, where did you learn that? Why do you have that idea? Why does that seem to be so about your Identity. What do you think? For most people, we go to the past. We say, well, I know I can't take a. You know, if you ask me, how come you can't figure out how to take a bike apart? Well, it's like, well, and my first thing comes to my mind is I remember I used to bike commute to work back when I worked in a clinic in Portland. This is like 10 years ago at this point. And there's a friend who also worked at the clinic. Awesome guy. And we would often bike together, usually on the way home from work. And then we'd split off three quarters of the way through on our routes and go to our specific houses. But we lived in the same general neighborhood, and he was great with his bike. And there was a bike co op in the Portland State University campus where you could bring your bike in, and they had people that worked there, and I think they could do work on your bike for you. But they also had racks and stuff set up where you could hoist your bike up and do work on your own bike there. And then you could buy materials from them. They'd have people that would come show you stuff. And I was bike commuting. So that's when I learned that I needed to change out to a different kind of tire and a different kind of inner tube so I wouldn't get flats as much. I learned how to change a tire, and I maybe had to change my tires two or three times in the couple years that I bike commuted. And the first time I was trying to change my tire. You have to, like, do this thingy. I'm doing my thumbs right now. You can't see it. My thumbs. I'm like, pushing down. You have to, like, pull the bike tire over the metal frame. And it's like, you have to push really hard with your thumbs, especially if you got these thick tires that I got so they didn't get punctured. So the first time I tried to do it, I couldn't do it. And my friend was there, so I was like, hey, dude, help me out. And he's like, push down. I was like, damn, you got strong thumbs. And the second time I tried to do it, I couldn't do it. So I got the person who worked there to do it. And the third time, I don't know, I'll probably let someone else do it for me. And after that, I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna pay someone to fix my tires. I say, hey, fix my tires. I'll come back in 30 minutes, everyone's a winner. So I tried several times and failed and then said, you know what? I'm not a bike guy. That's not me. So where do you get your story from about your identity? Do you have specific references? What is it you tell yourself you can't do? And again, I'm looking at the key areas that really matter to you, right? Like not being able to fix a bike. That doesn't really matter. Although now that I'm recording this episode, I'm like, hmm, There's a part of me that doesn't like feeling limited in any way. But I do know what I intellectually believe, and I do actually think this. If I were to invest the time and practice with a bike, for example, and to me that sounds a little more rewarding than a car, then I'm sure I could learn some of the basics of it. It's just literally no time investment whatsoever. But it's not that big of a deal in my life. What is it for you where it's a major issue? Where do you have a self fulfilling prophecy that says I'm not going to be able to do blank? And here's where it starts to take a turn. Real dark. Let's go down a dark alley here for a minute. When you have this story that says I'm not worthy of people's attention, that's an identity story, right? So you walk into a room and do you speak up and share some thing about your life? Do you share a story about what happened that weekend? Do you invite people into your world by letting them know what your interests are? No, Aziz, that would be a terrible idea because I'm not interesting. So if I were to do that, I'm only gonna. I'm bound to bring on bad experiences and social rejection. How do you know that? Well, I remember when I told a story when I was 9 and little Jimmy told me that my breath smells. Whatever, right? We have some. Oh, God. It was terrible, right? Or, and I'm making light of it, but maybe it was much worse than that. Maybe you were bullied. Maybe someone actively in your family told you to shut up because you're not interesting. Maybe it was intense shit and it's painful and we took a story from that experience. So whether you know where or not, just start to be curious and say, huh, where did I learn that? And what about before then? Where did I maybe even learn it before that moment? Maybe there's a moment before that moment that I think I learned it in. So you have that story from wherever in your life. Now you're in that new scenario, new situation, new people. You say, oh, I know what's going to happen here. No one's going to find me interesting because I'm not an interesting person. And then how do you behave at that work meeting, at that gathering, at that date? How do you behave? That's right. In alignment with your identity, in alignment with those stories. And so, no, I don't speak up, No, I don't share. No, I don't be the center of attention. No, I don't let you know what's going on in my life. When your colleague says, hey, how's it going? Instead of saying, I'm doing great, I just spent the weekend at the mountain with my family. It was so fun. We are practicing backpacking so that next year we can actually go out on longer trips. I don't say any of that because that's not interesting. You're not gonna care about that. So they say, how's it going? How was your weekend? Or anything. I say, oh, it was good, it was fun. How about you? Let's focus it on you. And you might say, that's not that big of a deal, Aziz. Well, if you know that story, and maybe you have that story, I'm not that interesting to people. It is a big freaking deal. Because it's not just that one colleague at work. It's all people. It's the lack of connection. It makes the difference between feeling connected, alive, engaged and energized to feeling separate, disconnect, isolated and upset. Because you don't let people in, you don't really connect. So it can have a major effect on your life. And one of the worst self fulfilling prophecies I see with clients is it's not going to work. If I put my energy and focus into becoming a more free, confident version person of me, I can't do that. That's not possible. Now the good thing is if they're a client of mine, then I know that we can break through that because I've seen that happen enough times. The major problem is when someone is not a client and they're kind of like they're listening and they'll read a book or they'll listen to these podcasts, but then they don't think real change is possible. And so they say, no, that's not going to work for me. That pains me. That's like, is there some way to shift the cycle? Because it's kind of a closed loop. I know it's not going to work. I know I can't do it. How do I know I can't do it? Because I look at the past and so I go to the future and then I take myself to the next moment and I behave in the same way. That is accordance with my identity. And then sure enough, it doesn't work. And that reinforces my story. That is the power and the unfortunate path of a self fulfilling prophecy. So I have a few ideas on how to shift this. I'm not going to leave you in the dark path, but let me ask you this. Where do you see this in your own life? Where do you have a self fulfilling prophecy? Can you name it? What's the specific story? What's the identity story about who you are, about what you deserve? Maybe it's a story about what life is like. You know, you're like, yeah, man, life is brutal. Or people, people are untrustworthy. You can't get close to people. Now a client asked me one time, they said, so do we have filters on what makes us see these things more often? Like, I think people are untrustworthy, so I just find that and see that more. Or do we actually create those experiences and attract those kinds of people? Interesting question. You know what my answer was? Yes. Yes to both. Yes. If I think people are untrustworthy, I'm going to filter that. It's called confirmation bias. You filter things to fit in with your belief and your story. So I'm looking around and I see it in my own life. Ah, you see, I trusted that person and they betrayed my trust with that information. Or look at that. My friend trusted that person and they got screwed. And look at the news, see that person. Trusted people are untrustworthy. I see it everywhere I look. And then we also do the whole kind of quantum study. I mean, quantum is just one attempt to make sense of a pattern that we observe in our life. And quantum mechanics is one way that people are trying to understand it. Like, how are things interconnected? How is what I say and think affecting something else? Right. They call that the observer effect, which they notice in quantum physics and other studies of this stuff where it's like, you can't observe this thing over there without it being affected by the person observing it. And people are like, how is that happening? I thought everything is a distinct material object that's like, you know, separate from everything else. And it turns out that everything's actually a lot more connected and that things are not totally separate from each other. And to be able to predict where an electron is. You have to know where every other electron is in the entire universe. So there's this interconnection between everything. And so when you are saying, no one's gonna like me, no one's gonna like me, I'm not worthy of attention, I'm not worthy of attention. You are like a magnet for people who are gonna treat you like you're not worthy of attention. And you're gonna do this in your body language, you're gonna do this in your voice tone, you're gonna do this in observable ways and you're just gonna bring that into your life. Out of the infin that is the world around you, you're going to attract those people, you're going to pull that out of the background and make it the foreground. And then guess what that's going to do? That's right. You're going to nod your head and say, you see? I knew it. So why do we do this? Doesn't it sound crazy? Why do we do this? There's one word, it comes down to one thing. And before I tell you, I'm going to ask you, why do you do it? Why on earth would you hold on to whatever self fulfilling prophecy you came up with? Why on earth would you hold on to that? Even though causes you pain, even though it limits you, even though it sucks. One thing, what is it? That's right. Certainty gives you a sense of control, gives you a sense of solidity, stability, ground under your feet. Listen, I know how it is, okay? Like we think stability and security and these things comes from our external environments. You know, like, okay, I got a job, that's security. I got money in the bank, that's security. I know where I'm gonna go tonight, I know my routines. That's certainty, that's predictability, it's control, right? We think that's what the greatest source of control is. It's not the greatest source of predictability. Stability and control comes from how you see yourself, your identity. Because look, we could put you in a new environment. You know, you go on vacation or whatever and you don't have your routines, you might feel a little unsettled, but you're also, you do. Okay, you're all right, that's fine. Now if we were to take you and hypothetically give you a large John Hopkins level dose of psilocybin mushrooms, in their seminal studies they've done on psilocybin therapy at the levels they're giving people, which is 3 to 5 grams, your identity is Going to melt at that stage. If you've ever done anything like that, it can be the freakiest experience. Like going on a vacation in a new place where you don't know people and you don't know the language. That's a cakewalk comparison to like the loss of all frame of reference, the loss of a sense of identity. And that's why those experiences can actually be so profoundly healing. Because someone goes through that and then it starts to reassemble. Don't worry, you don't get lost forever, but you come back three or four hours later, you, you know, your identity comes back, you're still there, you're still experiencing, you're just experiencing in a new way, usually in a much more open way. Your identity comes back and you're like, whoa, wow. Are all those stories true? When things reassemble, like a bike being reassembled, maybe not everything goes back in the same place. Maybe all of a sudden that thing that felt so true, that you were so certain about, you come back and you're like, I don't think I'm so certain about everything anymore. And that's one of the greatest gifts. And that's how we start to make headway on this is we start to question and we say, hold on a second. The past does not equal the future. That was then, this is now. The past does not equal the future. And get really, really, really curious about what is true. I want to know truth. What is really true? I want to upgrade from seeking certainty and stability to seeking truth. What's really true about me? What's really true about what I can or can't do. I'm not gonna keep feeding myself some bullshit story so I can stay safe and comfortable. Because look, if you didn't believe the story that you were not interesting, what would you do? That's a very powerful question to ask yourself, to upgrade your self fulfilling prophecies, to change them to better fulfilling prophecies. Because look, it works the same way with a more empowering story. If I said I'm an interesting person, people love to hear me and about my life, what am I going to do then? Something very different, right? So let's explore this though. That story, I'm not interesting, where is it leading you? It's leading you to not speak up, to not risk, to not try, to not fail, to stay safe, safe, comfortable, controlled and certain. And as long as that's the highest priority in your life, to stay safe, stay safe, stay safe, controlled, comfortable, stable, predictable, then you're gonna suffer because no amount is gonna feed it. It starts to become an addiction. So as soon as you have a certain level of stability and comfort and control, you need more. And you also become weakened. Weakened for instability, weakened for things outside of your control. You've seen this, haven't you seen this in people? In your life or in your own experience? People get brittle, they get fragile. This has to go this way and this needs to happen. Oh my God, that's not happening. Ah. And they lose their capacity for flexibility, for adaptability, for creativity, for flexibility. That's where our power comes from. That's where our confidence comes from. Not from exactly knowing how everything is going to go every moment of the day, but to say, you know what? I'm going to step into the unknown and create something new. And I don't know what's going to happen, but I got to find out. I don't know what's going to happen when I go talk to those people and share about my life, but I'm going to find out why. Because something better is possible. I know I can connect more. Well, they're not going to like you. You know what? I want to find out what's really true. I want to test out. This is something I encourage my clients in all my mastermind programs to do. Test it out. You don't have to know for sure. Some people are like, yeah, but how do I upgrade the self fulfilling prophecy and just walk into every situation knowing I'm awesome, knowing everybody's going to love me, knowing I can do anything I set my mind to? I said, great. Those could be some affirmations you tell yourself, you know, to get yourself ready. But then you got to take the action. You got to test it out. You can't just tell yourself people like me, they're going to find my stories interesting and then not do anything different. Then it's just hot air. It's just a hollow affirmation. And then the second time you try to say it, your mind's gonna say bullshit. It conflicts with your identity. So you can use that affirmation maybe as a preparation, as a priming to go take that action that day. And then you take that action that day and you see what actually happens. You test it out. What actually happens when I do this and when you're willing to do that consistently test things out. That's when you start to transform these stories. That's when your self fulfilling prophecies start to crumble. So let's talk about you and putting this into action. Time for Action, action, action. Your action step for today is going to be short, simple, and sweet. Find some prediction that you have about how something's gonna go and test out what really happens. So you have a story about, if I try that thing, it's not gonna work. If I speak up in this way, they're not gonna like it. If I say this, people are gonna get mad at me. If I do this, I'm gonna fail whatever it is, whatever that story, whatever that prediction is. Test it out. Not from a place of like, listen, I know it's gonna fail. Okay, you want me to test it out? Fine, I'll test it out. Look. See? It didn't work. I knew it didn't work, Right? That's like the classic Star wars thing where Yoda tells Luke to lift the spaceship using the Force, his little fighter that's in the swamp. And then Luke says, I can't, it's impossible. And he says, nothing is impossible. Just use a Force. And then Luke's like, this is total from the script, by the way. And then Luke says, all right, I'll try. And then Yoda's got to get in there and you know, reprimand that shit. That's not a Jedi do or do not. There is no try, right? So he is taking the action from a place to confirm his story that it's not going to work. And if we do that, we're just reinforcing the self fulfilling prophecy. It just came in back through the back door. And so to really test things out, to truly test things out, we have to say, you know what? I'm willing to be wrong. I'm willing to have my stories be false. I'm willing to trade safety, security, and stability for truth, freedom, and confidence. Then go test it out and then watch your life transform. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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