Should I Plan Conversation Ahead Of Time?

And now it's time to Ask the shrink. Hey, Dr. Aziz here and welcome to a bonus segment of Ask the Shrink. We got a bunch of questions in and I wanted to be able to get to them before the next upcoming episode. So I'm going to start doing little short bonuses here where I answer some of your questions. So today's question is from Ash. And ash says, hello, Dr. Z's, I hope you're doing well. I just want to update you with my progress. I guess he's reading the Solution to Social Anxiety. Says the book is amazing, very well written, good real life examples, and love the shy quotes. I'm currently in chapter seven, which is all about accepting yourself and I can relate to so many of your stories. And he goes on to share about how much he's getting from the book. So that's awesome, Ash. I'm really glad to hear that, that you are diving into that book because that book is, is really powerful and will really help you step by step get to where you need to go. So here's his question. While at work in my cubicle, I catch myself constantly thinking, what should I say to my co workers? Something funny or witty while I'm walking out to go to the restroom or to the break room. I think I want to do this to get attention and make my presence with my team members that way. I am engaged in some conversation and people won't say, he's so quiet. Which is funny because that was the topic of this last week's episode. Why are you so quiet? So some days I pre think what I will say tomorrow and go prepared, like some story of me that I want to share or something funny to say to someone. Is this a good habit? Should I continue doing this or am I training my brain in a way that I should not? Is this thinking a pattern I need to break or am I headed in the right direction of freeing myself from social anxiety? Please guide me. You're one of the. You're the only and best person to ask this question. All right, thanks, Ash. So here are my thoughts. Yes, yes, you are trying to protect yourself from something. And yes, it's okay to do that. You know, I like to think of this stuff as training wheels. So if you're in a situation and your pattern is, it's hard for you to say something in the moment. Like you've struggled with that a lot. You tend to hold back, tend to hesitate, tend to not share. And you're saying, I want to change that pattern, which I hear you're doing. And that's awesome, because part of breaking out of our fear is taking bold action. That's the next chapter in the book, chapter eight, taking bold action. You got to take bold action and you got to try something new. So if you spent your whole life not sharing, there's probably a fear there that's, well, if I share, it's not going to be good enough. People are not going to find it interesting. People aren't going to like what I say. I'm not funny, I'm not witty. So we hold back. And what you need to do is start sharing and seeing what actually happens. Instead of living in our predictions about what's going to go terrible, we want to take action and see what happens. And tons of research show that when someone is in a state of social anxiety, they are predicting more negative outcomes. They're predicting the outcome as more likely to be negative than it is going to be. And they predict, like, the level of negativity, like the level of rejection as way higher than it ends up being. So basically, that's a way of saying that we're shitty at telling the future, and so we want to take new action, which is what you're talking about here. Now, the question, though, is, wait a minute. If I'm preparing it ahead of time, am I training my brain in a way that I should not? And you know what? I'd say no, because if it's going to help you take the action, then it's good. I remember when I was really terrified to talk to women back in the day. I sat down in my journal and I wrote out conversations of how I could start conversations with women at supermarkets, at bookstores, at coffee shops. So I'd be like, there she is, sitting there reading a book. What could I say? And I brainstorm a bunch of stuff that I could say. And that was helpful for me because in the moment, my mind would go totally blank because I was swimming in fear chemicals. So if it helps you take the action, then it's good. So I'd say, yes, do more of that train. It's a form of rehearsal. I think it's fine. The only way it could be, quote, training your brain in an unhelpful way is if you're obsessing about it and you're thinking about it for forever, like, oh, I could say that. Oh, that's not good enough. Oh, I could say that, oh, that's gonna suck. And you're really attached to making this. I gotta be the funniest and the wittiest. And it's gonna be great and I gotta do this, then you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. And you're also coming from a place of needing to impress. And when we're attached to wanting to impress people, shit goes bad, doesn't work. So that's the only caveat. Give it a few minutes of thought or have it go into the back burner of your mind, but don't spend all day obsessing about it. Does that make sense? And then the key point is to go do it. So if you notice yourself preparing a lot and then not taking the action, then the key would be perhaps to prepare a little less and just take a leap. Take a risk, go bold, go big. Do it and see what happens. And you just might find that the world is a friendly place and people love talking to you. Thanks for your question. Ash, you are awesome. You're doing great. If you're listening to this, you're awesome. You're doing great, and I look forward to speaking with you soon. In the future, stay tuned for the next episode coming up on this Wednesday. Talk to you soon.