Social Confidence - How To Face Rejection With Confidence

How do you handle rejection? Rejection is the dreaded R word, right? We never ever want to feel like we're being rejected. It's a terrible feeling. So the question is, how do you handle it? You know, it's such an all encompassing, overwhelming feeling when it happens that it's pretty hard to sometimes make our way through it. I remember when I was a little kid, we go down to LA to spend some time with my cousins and they had a swimming pool down there. And each year there's like a different word of the year that was going around their school down there and you know, like awesome. Like everything was awesome one year, and then one year it was badinski. I don't even know what that means. But we were saying that at the end of our time there. And then I remember one year the word was rejected. And my cousin who, they had a little volleyball thing in the pool there and they were playing water volleyball or Marco Polo or whatever. Anytime he'd like, you know, get a point in volleyball or he'd tag you in Marco Polo, he'd go right up in your face and he'd go, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected. And just keep repeating it. And at the time it was like, ah, ah, you're defeating me somehow. You know, it was a powerful tactic for like an 8 year old or whatever. But that's what it feels like, doesn't it? Now if you say you go to that woman and I start a conversation, you're like, hey, those are nice shoes. Or what are you reading, right? There she goes, a book, right? That feels like rejection. That could be conceived as a rejection. She's not interested. That's the signal she's given off. Then we can feel like, it almost feels like she's like throwing down the book and going, rejected, rejected. Or we imagine some guy across the coffee shop who's watching is going to jump out and say, rejected, rejected. And. And we feel like, oh, I'm ashamed, I'm hideous, don't look at me. And we want to flee, right? I remember I was trying out some pickup artist stuff and one of the things was to go up to a woman and say, can I ask you a question? Are you single? And I remember reading that and being like, oh my God, that's terrifying. But I was in the stage in my life where I was like, I'm going to do whatever it takes. And if these guys say, this is how I got to do it, this is how I got to do it, which I've learned since then is not how you have to do it. You don't have to be this pickup artist guy. Who wants to be a pickup artist? Don't you just want to date and have amazing girlfriends and maybe settle down with someone if that's on your trajectory? But anyway, I thought that's what I needed to do. So I went into this. I'll never forget this. I went into a Borders bookstore in Santa Barbara, where I was living at the time. And I was just kind of walking around. I wasn't going to buy anything there. I was just walking around. Like, sometime there's attractive women here. I will find them. And so I did. Sure enough, I saw this blonde woman and long blonde hair. And I was like, oh, she's attractive. So I walked up to her and I kind of got there and I was like, excuse me, can I ask you a question? She's like, yes. Are you single? And she said, no, which is rejected, Rejected, rejected. And so I was like, thanks. And I turned and, like, fled out of the store like Gollum, like, don't look at me. And I felt so miserable, so low. Right? And that's what rejection feels like. Whether it's that kind of rejection or, hey, what's your number? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't give out my number. Or you want to go out with me? No. Or you did go out, but then you call her and she doesn't respond for days. Or she picks up and is like, yeah, I'm not really into that. Or, oh, yeah, no, I'm busy this week. I'm busy next week, too. Hmm. Yeah, I'm actually busy for the next, I don't know, six years. You know, like, any type of rejection that it is, it feels the same. It feels like crap, doesn't it? It just, like, sinks inside of you. And what's happening there is shame. That feeling that you call rejection is shame. Shame is the felt sense, that and thought pattern that you are not good enough in some way. You're falling short in some way. You're not attractive enough or intelligent enough or confident enough or bold enough. And as a result, you are not worthy of love and belonging. Now, it's a universal thing. It's not like that person doesn't love me. It's no one could love me. And this is something that develops when we're really young for a variety of reasons. At young ages, and especially if you have shyness or social anxiety, you might have what's called toxic shame, which is you kind of feel that way a lot of the time. That comes from probably your upbringing and perhaps not having your needs met, but also you could be teased or bullied or something that kind of influences that. And there's a great book about that called no more Mr. Nice Guy, which talks about toxic shame a lot. But so you, you have this sense of shame. It's like, I'm not good enough. No one could want to be with me. And that's the terrible feeling. And that's what rejection induces. And that's why we all try to avoid rejection. We're all trying to avoid that feeling. But what happens when you try to avoid rejection? Well, you can't do anything. You can't go talk to that woman, you can't ask her out, you can't step up. And you know, we're talking about dating relationships here, but it affects all areas of your life. Your work, your career, your friendships, where you live, moving to a new city, everything, every adventure. There's a potential risk in it, right? So in the area of dating relationships, you just take fewer and fewer risks and you try to avoid rejection and you just end up living in your mom's basement playing World of Warcraft. And it's just like a very small, insular existence and it's not what you really want. So we have to learn how to face rejection. Rejection is part of life. That's the first thing you have to learn. Rejection is part of life. It is inevitable. The second thing you have to learn is it does not mean something specific about you as a person. Everyone gets rejected. We're all walking around with this like a subconscious idea that says amazing, attractive, high value people never get rejected, or only losers like me get rejected. And that's just totally false. Every story of everyone who's successful has a lot of rejections along the way, whether it's in their dating life, their career, their professional life, their music, their art. The same thing is true for you. You're going to get rejected. There's nothing special about you, that you somehow have a golden ticket that you don't get rejected, you're going to get rejected. In fact, it's actually the sign of you taking risks and progressing. So if you can reframe it, to think like, you know what, rejection is necessary, it's part of my growth, then you have some power. The second thing if you want to reframe this stuff is you have to say, what do I make rejection mean? Because rejection, you turn it into a story as soon as it happens. So if you talk to that woman, you say, what are you reading? You're trying to initiate a conversation with her, and she's like a book, get away from me. Then there's a story that unfolds so quickly that you might not even think that you have a story, but you do have a story. And that story is something along the lines of, she thinks I'm unattractive. I was annoying her. I shouldn't have done that. That person over there saw me and thinks I'm a loser. I am a loser. No woman's gonna want to be with me. I'm never gonna figure this stuff out. I don't have what it takes. And on and on. I mean, those are just some examples. How do I know those stories so well? Well, I live them for me for years, and I just. That's what I would tell myself, and that's what kept me stuck. And so that is just a story, though. It's a crock of BS and that the reality is you can make rejection mean what you want it to mean. And what do you want it to mean? You want it to mean? This is a step in my progression. This is growth. Rejection is inevitable. Each time I get rejected, I learn something and I move on from it. And if you can extract some piece of information from it and learn and move on, then. Then you're more empowered. You got to check your story. If your story makes you inspired to take another risk or determined to get it, then it's a good one. If your story makes you feel deflated, like you're never going to try again, or you shouldn't have done that, or I'm terrible, then it's a bad one. So that's how you know what kind of story you're telling yourself. And you might say, well, Aziz, I don't tell myself the story. It just happens inside of me. Well, that's initially our thinking before we realize that we can influence the stories that we tell ourselves over time through catching the negative story and challenging it. And that's what the cognitive therapy is based upon. You say, that's an unhelpful idea. What's a more helpful idea? Then you reinforce that idea, and then you take action based upon that idea to make it true. So if you say to yourself, one story is, I'm a total loser. No one ever is going to want to be with me. Not helpful. What's the more helpful story? Hey, everyone gets rejection. Rejection is inevitable. Each time it happens, I learn something, and I'm going to keep trying and keep growing and developing until I get the success I want. Now the action that goes with that story is taking risks, talking to more people, putting yourself out there, trying to date more women. I mean, that is the evidence of the story being effective. So you got to transform your story for rejection and just remember that the story that you have for rejection is whatever you want it to be. You are creating it. It is not something that just happens to you. Even if it feels that way at first, you have to take responsibility for shifting that story, then taking action. Now, having said all that, you also have to learn how to be on your own side, because rejection, you know, is painful. Sure, we can tell ourselves a different story so we're not trapped in it, but there's disappointment. Maybe you really were interested in that person, you wanted to go talk to her. Maybe you feel low or down. I mean, we're human, we're not machines. So sometimes we're just going to feel affected by things more than other times. And so you have to learn how to support yourself and be on your own side and treat yourself with compassion and respect no matter what happens on the outside. Because the first thing that happens, when she says no or someone rejects us, what do we do? We reject ourselves. We say, yeah, whatever she must be thinking about me is right. I'm crap. That is. You got to shift that. Especially when there's a rejection or a failure or setback. That's when you need to turn up your compassionate self talk and your self love, your ability to treat yourself with compassion and respect. And that's something that I teach across all programs. There's a whole section, there's a whole hour dedicated to it in Confidence Unleashed. And the confidence code is about self esteem. And self esteem is all about how to improve the way you talk to yourself and really learning how to love yourself. So that's going to build up a resiliency for when you're struggling with a rejection. And a great way to build that up is to just start practicing saying, what would I say to myself in this situation? You know, there's that movie Dumb and Dumber, which is a bit dated now. If you've seen it, it's an amazing film. It was transformational in my development as a young teenager. But there's a scene where Jeff Daniels comes home, he's gotten fired from his job. He doesn't have any. No women, nothing in his life. Now he's lost all his money and he comes home and he's like, man, what a terrible day. He, you know, he's sitting there with his friend Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey's drinking a beer, and he's like, yeah, I got fired today. He tells him the story, and Jim Carrey hears it, and he's like, you are one pathetic loser. And he gets up and walks away, and you're just like, ugh, what a terrible friend. And that's how we treat ourselves, right? But if you do that to a friend, you're not really friends. I don't know what you are, but you're not friends. So what would you say to a friend? You'd say, oh, man, that sucks. I'm sorry you lost your job. I'm sorry. She said, no, that sucks. I've been there. It sucks to get rejected, right? We're talking about empathy. That's being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Having empathy for yourself is a key ingredient in being more resilient to rejection. Then also finding friends that you can talk to this stuff about. And a whole section on how to create outstanding, amazing friendships. Because so many guys out there don't have real friends. They have acquaintances and buddies that they can get drunk with or watch a game with and maybe talk about surface stuff with, but they can't talk about what's really going on. So many guys are really lonely. They can't talk about if they're having trouble in their marriage or their relationship. They can't talk about if they have panic attacks at work. They can't talk about it if they're single and they're lonely and they're scared and they get rejected and they feel bad about themselves, because what happens if they do? Their buddy says, oh, don't be such a pussy, man. Oh, just get out there and try. You know, it's like there's a lack of empathy because they themselves are so uncomfortable with this. So you have to find friendships and create friendships, because that's created by you taking risks bit by bit with the right people who you can say, man. And I can't tell you how enriching it's been in my life to be able to call up a friend. I have a number of friends like this now. I call them up and I say, oh, man. I just. I went on this date with this girl and. And it was like, not. I don't know, she's so attractive that I wanted to hang out with her, but some part of me was just kind of enduring it. And then we hung out, went back to her apartment, we were making out, and we were maybe gonna have sex, but then I just really didn't feel into It. And so I got the condom out and I decided not to. And I told her no. And she was like, what's wrong with you? Or something. And then I left. And it was just so terrible and embarrassing. And I feel like I failed. And I should have been more of a man. I should have just had sex with her. And this is terrible. I feel so low, AKA shame. And then my friend said to me, hey, hey, Aziz, your penis is attached to your body. It's attached to your heart and your mind. If you're not into her and you're not feeling it, there's a reason for that. And what's going on, that sucks, man. I've been there. I've been in a situation where it was a no go. And she kind of felt insulted and was critical of me. I mean, that's painful. Painful, man. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I was like, yeah, thank you. You're right. Yeah. What is really going on here? And then I had the ability to get clarity on the situation, but not until I got empathy. So you got to be able to provide that to yourself. You got to have a social network and friends who can provide that for you. And you have to develop that. Through what role? Vulnerability and courage. Building those relationships, that's going to help you have a net of resilience to deal with any rejection. Because check it out, the bigger level of rejections are where all the riches are all the gold and success that you want, whether it's money or women or power. I'm joking here. But the reality is the life that you want, that feels enriching, fulfilling. Following your passion, pursuing your art, meeting an amazing woman and getting married, having kids, creating a family, getting a job, stepping up to higher levels of leadership, asking for a raise. Everything is just expanding levels of risk. And what does that mean, expanding levels of rejection? So the more you can shift your whole orientation around rejection to one of avoidance, to approach, to active, your life will transform. So put this stuff into practice. Thanks for listening. Check out other stuff on this site. And if you really want to know how to just explode through the fear of rejection, check out Confidence Unleashed. That program is all about rewiring yourself. And if you want to overcome your fear of rejection when it comes to doing dating, 30 days to dating Mastery will systematically, step by step, day by day, help you transform it. So check out that site if you want. We have some testimonials up there of guys whose lives have changed from it. And I hope it can be something that can serve you as well. So thanks for listening and I'll talk to you soon.