Social Fitness & Social Mastery

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is all about social fitness and social mastery. Oh yes, and it's fitting because today we're getting right to the end of the early bird tickets for my upcoming event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master, which is going to be a three day deep dive into all of this stuff. How to really help you radically shift from uncomfortable talking to people, avoidant of it, anxious about it, shy or socially anxious when it comes to interacting with others, to being really comfortable in your own skin talking to other people. And that might sound far fetched to you that that's even possible, but that's part of the problem, as you'll see. And so we dive into a lot in the event is this story, I talked about this last week in the episode, this story, that it's just somehow not possible for me, that I'm not capable of it, that there's something different or wrong or broken about me, which is complete and total bs. The truth is, it's just a skill that, that you need to learn and we do a ton that's gonna help you rapidly learn that skill. Because at the end of the day, and that's what we're gonna get into this episode, I'm gonna put a lot of ideas out there that's worked for me and clients of mine to really shift from socially awkward, uncomfortable, not good at conversations, to being really skilled at it. Really smooth, really confident, charming, comfortable and having what I would call a social mastery. And I'm gonna share a lot of ideas. And the truth is most people don't do that stuff on their own because it's uncomfortable. Because, you know, the demon of doubt gets in there and tells us that we can't and it's not possible and it's not gonna work anyway or it's just so damn uncomfortable to have an awkward interaction or a rejection. And that's where the power of a group, the power of coming together helps people do things they've never done before. And that's one of the most common things I hear after the weekend is like, I've done things that I've never done before. Or I'll get a message or an email from someone who was there that said, oh my God, this was like, I had the best time I've ever had at a party or at a mixer or something because I applied, blah, blah, blah. And that stuff just warms my heart. So now is the time to get those tickets. They're 50% off. They're $9.97 instead of $19.97. And we also have a payment plan as well. So it's 997 or I think three payments of 397. And I know some of you that's not going to be a good fit for you or you're busy or something. It's March 2 through 4. But some of you know, you might be in a place where you're like, oh, yeah, I could make that work. But I don't know, I mean, geez, I live all the way over in Georgia or whatever. And you know, man, we got people that come from all over the United States, east coast, the south, the Midwest, Texas, California. The event is in Portland, Oregon. But also from outside of the country. Had people come from Israel, from South America, from Europe for the event. And man, when someone's that committed, you better believe that they get some amazing results. They show up, they're ready to rock because they came from. Some are really far away, they're really motivated. And you know, just notice how our mind can have excuses and stories as to why. Eh, I don't know. But at the same time, deep down we know that if we really do this stuff, if we really throw ourselves into it, that something else is possible. And the only thing that's really stopping us, I think at the end of the day, is fear. So if you are on the fence there, I just cannot encourage you enough. Like, if you benefit from this podcast, the event is like the pod. I was gonna say like the podcast on steroids. I don't know if that's a good thing to say. Cause steroids F you up, man. But you know, it's like a hundred x version of this. Because when you're in kind of a heady state, intellectual state, listening to the podcast, it'll have some insight, some effect. Right? And of course, for those of you who do the action steps. Do the action steps, you notice that has a Bigger effect, right, because you're applying it in your life. But something different about the event is it is like a deeply emotionally transformative experience. You feel, you see, you experience things in such a different way that it just takes the learning and puts it way beyond intellectual and even beyond emotional and just into your nervous system, into your body. So you end up acting and doing things in a way more empowered way than you ever have before. So go to YourConfidenceCode.com event YourConfidenceCode.com event to get your tickets on that page. You can also go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and click on the Events tab or Shrink for the Shy Guy, where this episode is Shrink for the Shy Guy. There'll be a link below this episode as well. So highly worth it. Let's talk about right now, though, regardless if you come to the event or not, how to develop social mastery. And the solution to that is social fitness. So this comes out of. The idea for this episode came out of actually one of my past live events where it was the unlimited dating and relationship confidence event. And there was a guy there who had made tremendous progress in his life, you know, applying what the stuff that I teach. He was actually. He'd been in my Mastermind program and other stuff, and he's like, look, I've just had just focused a lot on my career, and he made some incredible gains. Like, he jumped, like, four strata in his career. It was awesome. But he's like. And I've been, like, dating and connecting more, which is really cool. But there's one thing I still can't do, and that is just, like, walk up to a woman that I don't know out in public or something, and just start a conversation with her. And he's like, it just. I just, you know, I get so uncomfortable. I get so afraid. I just can't do it. And it's so frustrating because I do all this other stuff and I've made all this other progress. I just can't do it. I said, wow, so the fear wall is just really strong. He said, yeah. I was like, well, do you really want to be able to do that? I mean, sounds like you're still able to date. You know, you meet women online or through a friend of a friend or other stuff. Like, do you really need to be able to do that? He's like, yeah, I want to, though. I want that level of freedom. I see so many missed opportunities. Someone I'm really drawn to. Like, what would. What would it be like to Go on a date with her. Maybe she could be my future girlfriend. There's just so many amazing opportunities and I just miss them and I get so frustrated. So I was like, you really want it? And he's like, yeah. I was like, what level of commitment are you? And I'm using the language we talk about at the event because I talk about the five levels of commitment. I think there's actually a podcast about that. You can look that up in the archives. But level five is willing to do whatever it takes. So I'm assessing where he's at. He's like, yeah, no, I really want it. I really want it. I was like, okay, if you really want it, here's how it's gonna go. So I'm telling this story to you because maybe approaching an attractive woman is not on your list of things that you wanna do. Maybe you're married, maybe you are a woman and you are interested in men. Or maybe you're a man who's interested in man. So approaching a woman is not top of the priority list for you. But you got your version of that, don't you? The things that you want to be able to do. So if you had social mastery, what would that look like for you? What would you want to be able to do? Would it be approaching someone you're attracted to and just smoothly starting a conversation? Would it be speaking up in a group of people, whether it's two people or six people, and being able to hold the center of attention, tell a story, share your perspective? Would it be you speaking up in meetings? Would it you be? Would it you be. Would it be you chatting comfortably before the meeting starts? Maybe you're okay when the meeting starts cause it's all business stuff. But then maybe before the meeting, when it's just chit chat about whatever the weekend or the kids or something, you're just like, ugh, I'm so uncomfortable. Right, so what is social mastery for you? Think of those things that are really exciting or really empowering that you do. If you were really socially skilled, socially confident, socially free, you are a conversation master.

Good.

Now the question is that same question I asked him. Do you really want this? Do you really want. How committed are you to making this happen? How much drive is there in you? Because if the drive is. If you're really frustrated, you're sick and tired of not being able to do it, then the drive is going to be high. If you really, really, really want it, you desire it, then the drive is high. If you're like, you know, I don't know, kind of whatev. Sounds sort of hard. Eh, eh. Then the drive is not high and it's probably not gonna happen. And that's okay, right? Because maybe you don't want it that much. But a lot of the time we do really, really, really, really, really want it. It's just our doubt and our shitty stories about ourselves that tell us that we're not capable or not good enough. And all that stuff prevent us from really letting ourselves see how much we want it. And so we delude ourselves, we lie to ourselves, we say, I don't really care, I don't really want it anyway. But in that case, you really do. And you got to activate something deep inside. You got to activate your courage, your heart, your drive, your determination, your willingness to do whatever it takes. And if you're in that place, then good. Stay tuned. We're going to take a quick break and when we get back, we're going to dive into exactly how you're going to make that happen in your life. You right now. Yes, it's possible. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So the key to social mastery, other than commitment, which we've just talked about, is social fitness. That's it. Social fitness is a fantastic model. I Learned it from Dr. Lynn Henderson when I trained with her at the Shyness Clinic down in Palo Alto in the Bay Area. And it's just she likens it to physical fitness, social fitness. So it's a very easy metaphor or model to understand because you know what physical fitness is. Everyone has a sense of that, even if you're not sort of into that or really active in that part of taking care of yourself at this point in your life. But we all know what it is. It all makes sense. And so if you want to be able to, I'm just going to throw some numbers out there because it's different for everyone. Let's say you want to bench press 200 pounds and right now, you can bench press 100 pounds, then what do you need to do? And if you try to go bench press £200 or 250 or whatever, and you can't, and you're nowhere near that, what are you gonna do? You're gonna, like, crush your windpipe, you're gonna bruise a rib, big weight's gonna fall on your chest. Like, ugh, I can't do it. Right. And that's, you know, that 10, 250 pound weight or 200 pound weight is the equivalent of the thing that really is at the edge of your social mastery. At the top of the list. For this client that I was talking about, the event, it was approaching someone he found attractive, a woman he was really drawn to. But for you, it might be that it might be having a certain kind of conversation with your boss's boss or something like that, or speaking up in a meeting where there's certain power players there, and you don't see yourself as one of those yet, but maybe you will over time as your identity and self esteem increases. But whatever that is, that's like the super high weight. Well, how do you get to that weight? No, you don't just try to do that a few times and say, well, screw it. Guess I'll never get there. No. Well, how much can you do? £100. Great. How many times can you do it? You know, Is it once? Okay, well, that's good information. Is it 10 times? Well, that's good information if you can do £100 once. If you. And you actually should probably drop down to like 60, 70 pounds, 80 pounds, and just do a lot of those till you build up your strength, and then you slowly try to do 105, then you try to do 110, and you keep building up. And it's the same thing with this social fitness. So at the event, I was like, do you really want it? And he's like, yeah. I was like, okay, here's what it would look like for you. And I said, look, this is not the solution for everybody. This is for people who really want this. The thing, whatever that is for you. You create yourself a exposure hierarchy, a fear hierarchy, or ladder to victory, as I like to call it. I mean, exposure hierarchy, that's just like old school behavioral psychology language. Not very sexy, right? Ladder to victory. Ooh, now I'm interested. And it's the same thing, though. But it is, right? It is a ladder to victory. You climb that ladder step by step, and then you. You win. You win, man. You win at life, you win at socializing. And so we started to create it right there on the whiteboard at the event. And I was like, well, what will be at the top? Okay, on a scale of 1. So in case you don't know what this is, you come up with all the things that you want to be able to do, and you rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 of how hard they are. This is just exactly the same as, like, how much weight is this to lift for you? So for this guy approaching that woman that he's really attracted to is a 10 out of 10? 10. If you're wondering what the number is based on, it's like, well, how hard is that? How uncomfortable would that make you? How anxious would that make you? If it's a 10, that means it's the hardest. And you put those at the top of your list. And maybe you have multiple things that are a 10. And then you say, okay, well, what about what would be a 9 or an 8? What would be a 7? What would be a 6? What would be a 5? What would be a 4? What would be a. What would be a 20 pound weight for me, that's like a 1 or a 2. Yeah, I could do that. It's uncomfortable a little bit, but I could do it for a long time. Not that hard. So I asked him, we were kind of trying to flush out what was on his hierarchy or his ladder to victory. And I said, what about just walking down the street and making eye contact and saying hi to people? And he's like, ah, with anyone or with like, someone I'm attracted to? I was like, well, I guess we'd want to know both. What would it be with anyone? And he's like, I don't know, like a one or a two. I said, okay, great. What about, you know, saying hi to a woman you're attracted to? And he's like, I don't know, like, yeah, two or three. I said, well, just pick a number. And he said, two, no, wait, probably like a four. And I said, ah, very good, very good, young padawan. Right. Because that shows that when we really, A lot of the time our numbers are actually lower because we have not done those things very much. And so we've avoided them a lot. And so we don't actually feel much fear because we're so used to avoiding it. And it's the principle of, like, how much could you lift? Oh, yeah, I probably lift like 40 pounds in each arm. Bicep curl them, no problem. And Then you try to lift it and you're like, oh, geez. Oh God. Give me the. Give me the five pound weights. This is hard, right? And then we have all this shame in the gym, and it's total bullshit, man. And it's the same thing with shame about this stuff. It's total bullshit. It's just a ladder. It's just practice. It's just fitness. It doesn't matter where you are. It's just a matter of getting into the gym, as it were, the social gym, and practicing, looking for opportunities again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And that's the biggest reason that most people drop off or don't do this, and that's why I keep hammering the commitment, is because you got to want it. As Les Brown says, you got to be hungry, right? So maybe even sitting down to think about why you want it. Why is it important for him to approach this woman? Is it an ego thing? Like, yeah, I'm the kind of man that could just walk up and do what I want and. And if so, is that really gonna give him enough juice and enough drive to stick in it when it gets hard? Is it like a, you know, I wanting love, like, man, I want to connect. I hate being limited and only being able to, you know, meet women through this channel and that channel, but not just right there in front of me. And if so, that's probably gonna give them more juice. If it's like, you know, for me, something that usually can. Can help me get endless drive for something is if I can link it into my liberation drive. Ooh, that one's strong, right? You know, you hear me talk about that in the podcast all the time, right? Like Operation Mass Liberation. I wanna help as many people as I can be free from that inner voice of fear, doubt and social anxiety. It's about liberating others, but it's about liberating myself. And so when I link something up equals liberation. I'm on board. And so for me, the idea of, like, I could liberate myself from my fear so that, like, it's not even about just being able to meet women. It's about. That's what the drive was for me. That's why I wanted to learn to be able to approach women. It wasn't just about creating relationships. I mean, that was one of the drives, but another drive was like, I want to be free, man. I want to be free of this bullshit voice in my head that tells me I can't do it. I'm not good enough. I want to be liberated. And that continues to this day. Everything, anything in my life, that voice tells me that I can't do. I want to be free from that. So it tells me that you can't host live events. I host live events. No one's going to buy a product or book of yours. I'm going to put it out there. You can't run a half marathon or a full marathon. Like, all right, I'm going to go do those things. I'll keep you posted on that because I'm still working towards those. But it's like, yeah, I'm going to do what that voice says that I cannot. And that feels super affirming and empowering. It gives me a sense of purpose in life to liberate myself. That's for me. So you gotta find out, what is it? Why do I want these things? And then it's a matter of consistently doing it and finding that regimen just like a workout. So we're gonna take a quick break right now. Keep thinking about your reasons why you want that social freedom and that social mastery. And when we get back, we're gonna talk about the workout regimen, baby. All right, stay tuned.

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Welcome back. Let's talk about social workouts. So this is a very personalized thing. You got to find out what works for you. So for some people it's literally like having just like your workout schedule. If you're a fit person, you've dedicated time to fitness right there's no other way. That means you have clarity as to when you're gonna work out. You know, like, oh, yeah, I go to the gym on this day and that day, or I go for runs here and there and on these days in my schedule. And if you haven't had that sorted out and you're not really taking care of your fitness right now, it's the kind of thing where you're like, I don't know when I do it, I just don't have the time. Right. And there's no clarity in your schedule about when it's going to happen. And it's the same thing with social fitness. Like, some people just need to like, block it off. Like Thursdays on my walk home from work, or Thursdays, you know, Thursday evenings I'm gonna practice this stuff and then on Saturday afternoons. And look, it doesn't have to be like an hour a day, seven days a week. That's insane. And even the time commitments for this stuff are less than you think. It's about targeted action. So for me, I never set up weekly sort of protocol like, this is what I'm gonna do. Although some people, that really works for them, I actually might. If I was doing that at this stage in my life, I might do that because my schedule is so full with the business and my family and little kids. So I use a calendar a lot more than I did when I was younger. But when I was younger, I would just look for. It's the kind of thing where like, let's say someone, some of you might have this kind of experience with your fitness too. You don't have to schedule a bunch of time in the gym because you just want to be active. So you look for opportunities, you know, and so you got like a little bit of time after work before some commitment, and you're like, oh, I could get a run in. Yes, right. And that's how I was. And it was like, I. And I don't know if it was like a yes, but it was like, I effing have to do this. Like, I. I must overcome this. I was driven. So what I would do is I would just look for little opportunities here and there. So it's like, oh, I'm going to meet my friend for lunch at, you know, 12:30. Okay, well, why don't I, you know, get there at like 12 o' clock and just do this stuff for 30 minutes. So I would get there, you know, 30 minutes early and just go practice stuff on my ladder to Victory, walk down the street, do Friendly greetings. Practice, say hi to people. I'm going, oh, there's some people. I'm gonna go talk to them, or I'm gonna go ask that person for a bite of their food. I would do this stuff all the time. And then a couple days later, I'd be like, oh, maybe it would be scheduled around a social activity. Maybe sometimes I would straight up go out to go do that. Oh, I got an hour here this afternoon. I guess I'll go down and go practice blank. And looking for those opportunities and then doing that again and again and again and again. And when I was doing it, it wasn't like, what's the minimum amount I can do this to get by. That's how some people approach physical fitness, too. Like, what's the minimal amount I can work out in a week? To not die, right? To not have terrible health consequences down the road? And that's one way to play it. I guess that's better than nothing. But it's also not a very empowered way to own your life and your experience on this planet while we're here. Another way it's more empowering is to say, I want to be an active person. I want to be a fit person, so let's do it. And that's how I was approaching the social fitness. It's like, I want this. I want to be able to have conversations with people. I'm sick and tired of feeling inferior around women that I'm attracted to and guys that I think are better than me because they seem more confident or they're taller or I think they're better looking or more successful or whatever. I'm sick and tired of that. And I want to overcome this fear. So I'm gonna look for those opportunities. I'm gonna do it again and again and again and again. And there's not even an end result in mind. This is just part of who I am, right? There's no end result in your fitness. Your physical fitness. You might have a goal, but when you reach that goal, you're not done, right? You just how. And I did this at the event. I was like, how many of you are physically fit people? This is your identity, right? And you know, a good amount of the room. I'd say maybe 3/4 raise their hand. I was like, oh, awesome. And I said, when are you done? A couple people just, like, laughed and smiled. And I was like, so what? You know, are you done in like three months or six months? And someone's like, no, for your whole life? I was like, oh, interesting. Well, this does not apply to social fitness at all. And I was being sarcastic. It does. It's the same damn thing. You might be like, oh, my God, that sounds so exhausting. No, same thing with physical fitness. Maybe the first time you go out for runs, if you haven't done it ever or, you know, in years and you're all out of shape, it's probably, like, hard and uncomfortable. But after you get into it and you've been doing it for a few months, man, running is, like, my favorite thing to do, my favorite form of fitness. I love it, you know, and even that, even though I love it and I know I love it, sometimes the first mile is hard and I'm tired, and I'm like, ugh, this sucks. And then something kicks in, right? Like mile 1.5 or mile 2, where I'm just like, yeah, this is great, right? And not always. Maybe I'll run as hard the whole time, but most of the time, something will kick in. Probably some endogenous opioid peptides or something. Peptides stick in my nervous system and start making me feel good. I don't know. But. Right. Endorphin release. But it's the same thing with social fitness, right? And so you might be focused on like, oh, my God, this is gonna be so uncomfortable. Bleh. But if you start doing it more, you know, think of it like that the first month or so of running is maybe a little harder. You're sore. Or that first mile, you know, so the first five, six people you say hi to or the first person you approach or whatever is uncomfortable. But then it can feel really good. You can start a conversation with someone you're really attracted to, and then all of a sudden, you're flirting and they're laughing. Man, that feels good, right? You probably experienced that at some point in your life, and if not, you will. And one final note, actually about this, which I'm going to save for our most important step, which is coming up right now, which is our action step. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step for today is to get into social fitness mode. And if you're ready for it, if this is a challenge you want to take on, because, remember, we talked about in the beginning, is you got to be ready and committed. And if you're not, that's okay too. But if you are, then create your ladder to victory. And there's a couple ways to do this. You can check out my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety. In there, they talk about how to build this but you probably got the gist of it from this episode. So create that. And also remember, you want to focus on the areas that matter for you. So if you're most interested in building your confidence at work, then create the ladder for work. But also keep in mind that confidence generalizes. So if you're like, no, okay, I want comfort speaking up in meetings, and I only have one opportunity or two opportunities a week, so I can't do this ladder thing, well, actually you can, because confidence generalizes. So if you're afraid to speak up in meetings, you're probably afraid of being judged, afraid of sounding stupid, afraid of losing your train of thought, afraid of whatever. You'll find out what your fears are if you reflect on that and realize that you can address those fears in other places. So if you're afraid of being seen as stupid, look for opportunities to speak up in just a group of colleagues or during lunch or even socially. Look for an opportunity to speak up, because you probably have a fear of being stupid there, too. If you want to be able to chat with colleagues and other people more and just seem more socially confident and capable in the workplace, practice outside of the workplace. Practice starting a conversation with a stranger. Wow. If you can do that, then you'll much more easily be able to talk with a co worker, a colleague, someone you know well. So look for ways to kind of generalize, keep your, you know, all roads lead to Rome, even though, you know, if you can, you know, really focus it on the area that you want most, but also realize that you can. Social fitness is fitness. So, like, you know, for example, if you, if you run, you'll also have better cardiovascular fitness for biking or, you know, any other sport, playing soccer, that sort of thing. So it generalizes. So come up with your ladder, start taking that action, and rock and roll. And again, if you really want support in this, you want to make this transformation fast. You want 2018 to be the year that you turn everything around or grow quickly or reach the results faster. Come to the event, because that's really the biggest factor is like, can you do this on your own? Yes. Can you apply what you're hearing in this podcast and do it? Absolutely you can. And how fast do you want to get there? How fast do you want to go? Because in my experience, lone wolfing, this stuff is two steps forward, 1.75 steps back. And I did not get to where I am today to be able to do all the things I do without being part of groups, without coaching, without just getting support and I've been in different mastermind programs myself. I've done a lot because I wanted the results faster. I didn't want to wait till I was like 4550 to be able to do this stuff. It's like I want it now. So if you're in that same boat and you're a kindred spirit, then go to YourConfidenceCode.com YourConfidenceCode.com event and get your ticket during the early bird, which ends I think tomorrow. So get on that. All right until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.