Stand Tall, Speak Up

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I'm going to be sharing something with you that is incredibly valuable, can really make a big shift in how you feel about yourself and how others see you and the results that you get in your life. And it's very basic, it's very simple. They're these small, tiny tweaks that anyone can make. And you can do this. You can do this starting today. Like, as soon as you're done listening to this episode, you can go out into the world, start applying this stuff and start noticing a significant shift in your experience. So I'm really excited about this. This comes directly from recent sessions I've been doing with individuals and some group coaching clients. So I really wanted to share this stuff fresh with you because this is what's working for people in their lives. These are the tiny tweaks that we can make. You know, if you listen to any other episodes of this show or watch my YouTube videos or any of my programs, I'm a big believer. And we don't want to have some big idea like it's, oh, man, I have this major social anxiety disorder or oh, man, I've really always been this awkward person that's just who I am. And we have this big identity and story about why we are the way we are and, and how permanent it is, how much it's just a part of our personality. And anytime we're doing that, we're really limiting ourselves. Because the truth is, it's always a series of small little things. I mean, that's what your day is, right? It's a series of small little moments. So there is no me always in conversations. There's you in this conversation and then there's you five minutes later in that conversation and then three days from now in that conversation. And each one is an opportunity to show up slightly differently. It doesn't have to be 180 degree shift. You don't have to go from feeling really nervous and shifty eyed and blushing a lot and not talking to kicking open the door with two machine guns on other Rambo style and just dominating the meeting. That doesn't have to be that extreme. Just a subtle shift, just a little shift. And that's what I want to share with you today. I also want to take just a moment right now to thank you for joining me in this podcast and some of you might have been listening for months, some from the very beginning. Some of you, this might even be your first show, or you're listening to me and it doesn't matter. I just want to thank you because your focus on yourself, your willingness to learn and to grow is inspiring and it is powerful. And that's what I'm here to do, is to share. And so without you, I would have no one to be talking to. So I really want to thank you and I'm excited to share with you. And if this is your first episode, go back and listen to a bunch of other good stuff, because they all build on each other. And you'll probably find that there's a lot of really useful, actionable content. And let's dive into it right now. So today's episode is about Stand tall. Speak up. Stand tall. Speak up. So this little conversation we're having right now is gonna be my call to you to stand tall and to speak up. Speak the fuck up. That's what this is, like, gonna jolt you. This is gonna energize you, to break through whatever pattern has been holding you back, holding you small, holding you quiet, holding, holding you, keeping your voice in, keeping your body small for so long. So what do I mean by these two things? Well, first of all, most people, myself included, have a pattern that's kind of like bringing us downwards and inwards. It's like our shoulders want to round over and our head wants to go down and our neck wants to go forward. That might be from years of sitting at computers, but it's also a way of trying to protect ourselves from rejection and other painful feelings in our hearts. We're trying to, like, cave in and really physically, on a subtle level, protect our hearts. And then our muscles start to weaken and atrophy, and it becomes harder and harder to just stand tall. And so when I say stand tall, I mean in a literal way, not some metaphorical way about standing up for yourself or standing for something you believe in. I. I mean, literally standing as tall as you can. This is really simple, as I said in the beginning of the show, but super important. So, in fact, just right now, I'd like you to stand tall, as tall as you can. And if you're driving, then sit as tall as you can. But it's even better. Experiment. As soon as you get out of your car, experiment with standing as tall as you can. Now, when most people hear that, they think, oh, okay, I gotta puff my chest out and I gotta walk around in this, like, stiff Kind of posture. And it's actually not that at all. It's. Imagine that there is a string so you're standing on your two feet. Make sure your weight is balanced between the two so you're not kind of lilting way over to one side. So you're standing on both feet. And imagine there is a string going through your whole body and coming out the top of the crown of your head, which is like the very top of your head, not your forehead, but kind of in the back of the top of your head where there's a little curl of hair, or where if you are fortunate enough to have a bald spot, then that's where it would be. And it's kind of pulling up. This string is pulling you up gently and continually and it's expanding your spine. And then your body can just, you know, casually and comfortably hang from that string as it's being pulled higher and higher and taller and taller. And as you do that, your neck starts to come more in line with your spine and you can bring your shoulders slightly back. What does it feel like to stand tall? Is it something you do often? Is it something you never even think about? Is it something that feels physically uncomfortable in your body? Maybe the muscles are weak or. This is where it gets fascinating. Does it kind of feel emotionally uncomfortable? I have an interesting story to share about that in a few minutes. But that's what I mean by standing tall. What do I mean by speaking up? I mean literally speaking up, speaking louder than you do. Most people that are not showing up as confident as they want in their life, maybe they feel anxious around people or hesitant or self doubting when they're in those states of self doubt, of social anxiety, of anything else. Low confidence. We tend to speak a lot quieter, don't we? Let's say we have an idea that we want to share at work and we're like, hey, well, you know, I'm not. I think that it might be beneficial if we changed actually the message that we were doing. Because I read this, you know, I've been studying this a lot, and I think that it actually is more effective if we teach it this way. What kind of effect is that gonna have in your workplace, in your environment? Right? I mean, listen to how I'm talking to you right now. I'm in a little recording area. I don't need to be belting it like I am, but I do because there's force and power and conviction. Imagine if I came out here and I said, hey, welcome to drink for the shy guy, there's some stuff today that we could be talking about that might be. I mean, it could help. It could help you. I'm not sure. Maybe if I get really, really quiet, I'll be invisible. And that's what this is about, right? The not standing tall and the not speaking up. At the root of it is about trying to be invisible. Part of us doesn't want to be seen. Part of us doesn't want to be acknowledged. Even if another part of us gets pissed off about it, it's like, why are people ignoring me? But another part of us does want to be ignored. That's why we're not speaking up. That's why we have a habit of not speaking up and standing up. Because we do want to be ignored. Now, why on earth would part of us want to be ignored? You might already know the answer to that question, but it's a fascinating one. Sit tight. Think on that for a second. We'll be back right after this.

Dr. Aziza's most popular training program, Confidence Unleashed, is helping men from all over the world transform their confidence levels. Here is an email from a recent thanks so much for your program, Dr. Aziz. Here is a story about a recent job interview I had before going through Confidence Unleashed, I had a long history of avoiding social events I thought of as threatening. I have this internal coach that tells me I'm not good enough to pull it off. You'll step into a fearful situation that is beyond your capability. You'll make a complete fool of yourself. Just accept it, my friend. You're where you are now because you're not not meant to be any higher. I became visibly smaller physically, shrinking in my seat over breakfast. So I applied what you teach and distanced myself from this internal voice. I said to myself, I, Anthony, will now get farther down the road than I would if I took the advice of that BS coach. As my job interview drew closer, I grew increasingly more petrified as my negative coach came back and fed on my doubts. Images from Confidence Unleashed reminded me that my future self will be more confident so long as I do something now to make it so. Forget the end result. Just do what the person I really want to be would do if he was now facing the situation. I made the negative coach sound ridiculous and feel ridiculous. I viewed my negative coach as a whiny imposter and owned myself for the good person I really am. The journey was tough and seemingly immense, but I faced my fear instead of running away and completed the day by experiencing pure euphoria. Warmest Regards, Anthony. Go to www.confidenceunleashednow.com to learn more.

Welcome back. So did you think about it? Why would you want to be invisible? Why would some part of you want to be invisible? Not all of you. I understand there's a party that wants to step up and kick ass and get the girl and get the job and get the money and get the contract, but there's another part of you that doesn't want to do that. So what's going on there? Well, what would stop you from speaking louder and standing taller? What would you be scared of? What would stop you? What comes to your mind if you were to say, you know what, I'm going to go speak louder right now all day long and I'm going to stand a lot taller right now, all day long. What would get in the way? It's great to think about because I'm going to share a handful right here that I've seen in myself and others. And there's more. You got to find the ones for you. You might resonate with all the things that I say. At the end of the day, though, your own exploration, your own inquiry into this stuff is what's going to set you free. And so when I ask questions, I really encourage you to think about them, to if you're alone somewhere, actually speak them out because it'll engage your brain in a more powerful way and the shift, the change in your life will be more impactful. Because this show is not just about entertainment. And as entertaining as I clearly am, it's not about that. Right? It's about you going out and doing something different in your life right after you listen to it. Right? That's, that's what you want. That's why you're doing this, because you want to break free. So the more you can engage and think about the questions, the more you're going to break free. So what gets in the way? What stops us from standing tall and speaking up? Well, obviously the number one thing that stops us from doing anything is fear. Let's look at some of the fears. One is that people are going to judge me. I did this. There was a client that I was working with and he came out to Portland to work with me and he was in one of the groups I was doing. And I love, I do a lot of phone coaching and Skype and stuff, but I love when people come in the group things that we do in the confidence mastermind that I run, people come out and we do a small eight person private weekend intensive where we go real deep. They're really powerful. But I love it because I can see the people in action. I can see how they interact with each other. I can see how they walk down the street. And it's just such a phenomenal opportunity for little tweaks, little feedback from me and others in the group. And there was one guy who. He had sort of like a shuffle. Like, he kind of. His shoulders were rounded, his head was down, and he kind of shuffled back and forth. And, you know, he wanted to be more confident in a lot of areas in his career and dating and all these things. And so when we're going to Portland and have him do things. And I noticed when he was shuffling along, it didn't look very confident, and he didn't feel very confident. And I was like, well, we got to start with the body. We got to start with the physiology, so let's change this. So we worked on it. I was like, what about, what would it feel like to stand up like this? And I did the thing with the string, and I did a number of other exercises to help him, like, find that ability in his body to stand up fully upright. So now he's fully standing tall. And instead of having him shuffle, I have him stride, or better yet, strut, you know, kind of walk down the street like he owns the place. And so I get him laughing. He starts doing that, and we're kind of doing on this, like, little side area where no one's around, and he's doing it. Then we get into a crowded area, and his body goes right back down to where it was. And I was like, whoa, whoa, that's fascinating. What happened there? And he said, I just feel like if people saw me walking like that, they're going to think that I'm arrogant. They're going to think that I'm full of myself. They're going to notice me. Not in a good way. Is that interesting? And I bet that fear is true for a lot of us, that if I really stand up and stand tall, I'm going to stand out, and people are going to see me, and they're not going to think, oh, wow, look at that guy. He looks great. They're going to think, who does that guy think he is? Arrogant bastard. And so what we want to do, though, is we want to examine that story, that idea, that belief. We want to really slow down and look at it, because think about that. Is it really true that if you're standing tall, think about people in your life and people that are standing tall do you think they're arrogant? In my experience, we actually are more attracted to people that are standing tall and firm in themselves. There's something compelling about it. There's something solid. They come across as more grounded, more confident, more attractive, more credible, more like strong or. I want to follow this person. In fact, it's the opposite of what he was thinking. And the reality is that, yes, we might stand out more if we're standing up tall. And that's a good thing. I mean, he wanted to date women. Women are going to notice you more if you're standing up tall versus slumped over versus head down, eyes to the ground, boom. If you're up tall, yes, people are going to start noticing you. And no, people aren't going to start judging you. If there's the random one out of a hundred person who's walking down the street and is so focused on other people and judging them, that's what he does all day. And he's like, look at that guy. Six people in front of me walking down the street. He's got awfully good posture. He's standing up tall. Arrogant bastard. I mean, okay, let that guy live in his pool of misery and don't lower yourself to that lowest common denominator. Stand tall, step up. I mean, everyone else is going to appreciate, and you are going to appreciate it, except for that guy. But don't let that guy dictate what you can do. Another fear that I've heard that stops people from doing these things is one client I had who spoke very quietly. He was very established in his profession, but other people didn't take him as seriously because he would talk so quietly. And so we experimented in conversations with having him speak louder. And one of the fears he had is, I can't just go to work and do that. I was like, why not? Well, people are going to notice that I changed and judge me. It always comes back to that, doesn't it? And then they're going to judge me. And it's like, even that is like, well, is that intolerable? Do we want to live our lives and mold our entire lives and make our decisions based upon avoiding that, people might judge us. And I'm not talking about people judging you for doing something that's really inappropriate or aggressive or hurtful. You know, like, I'm gonna go slap around this little child in public. And then, yeah, people might judge you. And, yeah, maybe you might want to take those judgments into account. Stop beating up that kid, you jerk. But when you're doing something that's in the service of your growth. That is not hurting anybody. That is just you being your authentic self, your bold self, your playful self, your courageous self, your dynamo, money making, powerful self. Your sexy, attractive, date me self. Anything that's helping you be more of that. Who gives a shit of someone if someone judges you when you're doing more of that? That's just their own stuff. That's their own insecurity, their own self dislike that's stopping them from being the way that they want to be, which is how you're being now. I know that might sound confusing and I don't know if I want to go down that rabbit hole, but here's the short distilled version is that when we're judging someone for being freer than we are, it's on some level we wish we could do that. So, for example, I used to judge the shit out of people when. When they were dancing. And guess what? I was terrified to get on the dance floor. I used to judge people who were really confident and smooth and could just walk up to groups of people. I would just judge them for all kinds of things. Their hair, their looks, their clothes, this and that. But why? Because I was aching inside because I felt like I couldn't do what they were doing. So that's why people are going to judge you. And so you don't want to make that control your freedom and your life, do you? I hope not. Okay, let's look at a few more fears and then we'll talk about the most important thing, how to break free of them. One another fear a client had of mine is that if I'm standing up tall and I'm speaking up louder, it's going to look like I'm trying too hard. He had a word for it. He called it try hard. He's like, that sounds a little try hard. And that was like. He said it with like finality, like, that's a little try hard. Kind of nodded his head as if that ended the discussion, as if, well, I can't be a try hard. Can't try hard. That sounds stupid. And I was like, wait, what is a try hard? What do you mean? And he's like, well, it's like, you know, you're kind of eager and desperate and trying too hard. And I was like, well, I guess you could be doing that by going around saying like, look at me, I'm standing up tall. Look at me, I'm talking louder. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what you're doing. And that's just another story or reason or fear that you're using to cut off doing something that's a little outside your comfort zone. Because at the end of the day, that's what it is. It just makes me uncomfortable and I'm afraid that it's different, it's unusual. But here's the thing. We have to be willing to step outside of our comfort zone. If you listen to any other shows, you know this by now. If you really, really want to break free in your life and, and get to the next level of confidence. And then all the good things that come with confidence, friendships, dating, relationships, better career, better enjoyment in your career, doing more of what you love, that all starts with confidence. And that all begins with regularly going outside your comfort zone. You can't have both at the same time. You can't live a life of continually staying in your comfort zone and a life of big confidence and kicking ass and really getting what you want, feeling fulfilled. Those are opposites. So we gotta get outside our comfort zone. So stand tall and step up and speak up and share your voice. Are you inspired? Are you excited? Are you ready to go do this? Maybe you're like, yeah, put me out there. Maybe you're a little hesitant. I don't know how. Well, we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get into exactly how to stand tall and speak up right after this. Do you want to rapidly change the way you see yourself? Do you want more confidence and better results in your life? If so, then you need to learn about cognitive rescripting. It's one of the most powerful tools that Dr. Aziz teaches. He is so adamant about everyone learning this life transforming tool that he is actually giving it away for free. For a limited time. Go to www.confidenceunleashnow.com to claim your free copy of Dr. Z's new eBook and audio training program called Rewrite youe Story through three Steps to triple your confidence. Hey, welcome back. So it's time to break free to step up. Are you ready to step up? Let's try that again. Remember, you want to play full out here. So if you're ready to step up, say yes with me. Are you ready to step up? That's the part where you say yes. In fact, let's make it even a little more. A little more powerful. Say I step up. Why don't you say that one right after me? I step up. Maybe one. You can hear it right there. Hit my chest. I step up. Good. Say it again. I step up. Why don't you say it again? I step up. Can you feel that? If you're doing it, maybe you're just listening and being like, this guy's crazy. But maybe you're doing it. And if you do it and you say it like 10 times in a row, you're gonna feel the power of it. And that's the power that's gonna help you break free. That's the power that's gonna give you the ability to do something different and not be. And what if someone out there doesn't like it? So let's break free. Here's a few tips on how to do that one. Let's look at the. We talked a little bit about the string, about standing tall. Another great exercise is to go to a flat wall with nothing on it and put your heels against the baseboards at the bottom of the floor. Make sure your butt is touching the wall and then your upper shoulders and the back of your head. So you're kind of using that as like a board. And you stand up and it's a little tough at first. It's kind of like your body's not used to it and some muscles might be weak. Do it for two minutes, set a timer, do it for 120 seconds, and then do that once a day. That will actually strengthen the muscles in your body, and it will give you a marker. It will give you a sense of what it feels like to actually stand tall. I recommend as much as you can sit tall as well. That's powerful, too. I understand that one takes a lot more sort of development of your spine and a willingness to be uncomfortable in some ways. So stand tall. And in terms of speaking up, this one's really good. There's an exercise I learned from a voice coach. He's actually a singing and a voice coach. And he helped me when I was recording the audio version of my book the Solution to Social Anxiety, and I noticed that my voice was cracking more than I wanted it to. It was really annoying because I'd be recording a bunch of stuff and then I'd be finishing a sentence and I'd be trying to finish it strong. And that's why you need to go out and do blank and it'll be like this. And that's why it's very important to do this. I was like, dah, damn it. I had to go record it again. So he taught me stuff about breathing, which I don't know if I'm doing right now, but one thing he had me do is Just practice expanding my voice, getting more power in it, more force in it. And one exercise he had me do, which was great, is we stood in the corner of this room and he wanted me to shout out, hark, who goes there? And you put your right hand on your stomach or your left hand if you're left handed. And when you say hark, you want to kind of. How would I describe this? Your stomach is like spasming in, like, hark. Like you're sucking in your stomach and using the force of that to say, hark, hark, Hark, who goes there? Same thing with the who goes there? Who goes there? So your stomach is kind of quickly going in when you say hark and quickly going in when you say who goes there? And you want to get louder and louder with this. And so, in fact, one of the clients I recommended is like, he drives to work. And I was like, on the way to work, practice this stuff, speak up, say, hark, who goes there? And just introduce yourself, hey there, I'm Aziz. And saying it louder than you normally would. And in this case, let's say there's a volume knob from 0 to 10. 0 is not audible at all. It's too quiet. And 10 is like yelling over the top. So you want to look at where do I normally talk and where do I talk when I get nervous or uncomfortable? And maybe you talk normally at a three or four. And then when you get nervous, you talk at like a two or a three. And this might be an issue for you. You might want to speak up more. So what you want to do is in your car, you want to be. Or some place where you're alone or you feel comfortable, you want to be doing it at like an 8 or a 9. You want to get really loud in your car, you want to be yelling almost. It's going to feel like yelling to you because you're going to be using your voice and your lungs and your throat and your body in a totally different way. And it's like expanding out way beyond what you're used to. Then when you get to work or get to your date or your social situation or the party or whatever it is, talk at like a 5 or a 6. Talk slightly louder than you normally do. So if your normal voice is something like this, hey there, I'm Aziz, and it's nice to see you. That might be a, I don't know, a 4 or 3 or 4. Bring it up to this. Hey there, how's it going? I'm Aziz. It's Nice to see you. And notice how that's a five, maybe a six, a little bit louder. And it's a subtle shift. It's not enough that people are gonna be like, whoa, dude, why are you yelling? Although it might feel that way to you. The client that I worked with this on, he felt like he was yelling just by turning the knob up one or two. But experiment with it. For you, you just wanna turn it up slightly. And here's the thing, if you say, yeah, but I can't do it, I just can't speak up in those situations, you are selling yourself a big pile of horseshit when you say that I can't do it. It's absolutely not true. That is a linguistic trick that our mind pulls all the time. Oh, I can't. I tried, but I couldn't. I can't, I can't. And that's making it in the realm of not physically possible, which is absolutely false. Unless you have some very specific genetic or medical condition that prevents you from. From using your voice louder, then you can. And the truth is I can and I'm uncomfortable, so part of me would prefer not to. That's more true, isn't it? So then focus back on what the fears were for you. Write out your own. Think of them, bust through them, break through them. Find out whatever it is you need to in order to challenge them so that you can face them, so you can step up and speak up. Because as you do, you're going to get. I mean, first of all, you're going to feel more confident, but secondly, you are going to get such better responses from the entire world. Women are going to respond better to you. If you're interested in dating, people are going to hear you. More people are going to think what you say is more engaging. People are going to listen to your stories, more people are going to think you're funnier. People are going to think your ideas are more intelligent, credible, and have more authority to them. It's amazing what a powerful voice, tone and a tall posture will bring in terms of confidence and impact on people. So if you want to be more persuasive, more influential, more powerful, perceived in better ways as more of a leader, more of an authority, then you're going to want to break through whatever fear is stopping you. And here's the truth. This is who you really are. I mean, when you watch little kids, they stand up tall, they have incredible posture, and man, they'll use their voice. They will. I mean, right now, my son is a 2, and when our cat, sometimes he's really nice and pets the cat real gentle. And sometimes the cat walks in the room and he just like, screeches until that poor cat runs out of the room. He's just like, yeah, like, runs after him. His battle cry, you know, this is. And that's in all of us. And we just learned we've been conditioned to shut up and be quiet and keep it down. So let's break free of all that. Okay? Now, before we end, we gotta get into your action step. Time for action. Your action step today is short and simple. It's these two. Stand tall and speak up. You've got tons of tanks, tips and tricks and specifics on how to do it. Your action step is to do it. So to commit to it.

Commit.

I'm gonna stand up taller this week and I'm gonna speak up louder this week and maybe even more. Maybe even not just your volume, but the amount that you share your voice, that could be something too. We didn't cover that today, but that's part of speaking up as well. So your action step is to stand tall and to speak up and let me know how it goes. Go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com we have a Facebook page, too. Go to facebook.com SocialConfidence you can share more about your experiences there and also send me messages and emails through shrinkforthshyguy.com I love to hear those stories. So kick ass, get out there and really apply this, and you're going to notice some profound shifts quickly. And thanks for joining me today. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and. And to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit.

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