Stop Idealizing Others

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination. With your host, Dr. Aziz. Welcome to this week's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Today we're gonna get into that pattern that you probably do, because I do it and everyone I know does it. It's just a matter of how much you do it and if you can turn it down a bit, because the more you do it, the more you suffer and the less you do it, the better you feel. So what is this pattern I'm talking about? Well, the name of the show is called Stop Idealizing Others. And it's a pattern of idealizing others. And if you're not familiar with that word, to idealize means to only see the good in someone and then to magnify it to inhuman proportions. You see them as all amazing, all superior, all perfect, all good, all confident, all skilled, just the good. They have no flaws. They're amazing, they're perfect. They don't suffer with the same things that the rest of us urchins suffer from. And what ends up happening is you have this very distorted vision of that person. You don't see them very accurately. So have you done this in your life? Have you seen someone who looked really amazing and tend to kind of build them up in your mind and as really perfect or as having it all together? I'm sure you have. We all do this. So this episode is about how to identify that, how to break free of that and then really start to accept yourself as you are more and more realistically see others. And if you'd like to get in touch with me, ask me a question, send me a comment, how things are going, you can call the show hotline at 206-338-3176. Go to the website at shrinkforthshyguy.com and send me a voicemail through that. I love hearing people's responses to the show. You can also leave comments below the shows on the website@shrinkforthshyguy.com but some way respond to me, let me know how this is affecting you and impacting you, what you'd like to future episodes to be focused on. Because that way this can become more of a dialogue and less of me just talking out into the ether. So, idealizing others, why do we do it and how do we stop? Well, the reason that we do it is there's some distortion in our sense of self esteem. We don't see ourselves in all of our glory. We don't see all of our own strengths. We tend to not feel like we have permission to own our own value and own our own strengths and say, hey, I'm really good at this, I'm really good at that. I can do this really well. I like this about myself. I'm kind, I'm caring, I'm intelligent, I'm good looking. Well, geez, that sounds pretty egotistical. I'm not gonna do that.

Right.

And we have this resistance to acknowledging our strengths, which if you wanna learn how to blast through that at an extremely high level, then check out my book, Solution to Social Anxiety, because you'll learn there's a whole chapter on identifying your strengths and how to really own them. But it's so important. But when we don't do this, when we don't acknowledge our strengths, and I didn't do this for years, I used to just see all my own flaws. Do you do that where all you see is your own flaws? You look in the mirror and you see the things you don't like. You don't see the things that are good. You look at your performance somewhere and all you see is the mistakes you made. And what happens is then you go look at someone and you see them doing well and all of a sudden there's this huge imbalance, right? Like they got this stuff, they're awesome. And me, I'm like the dirt on the bottom of their shoe. I'm nothing. And where does this happen the most in life? Well, first, if you're a guy, it happens with beautiful women. We idealize beautiful women because she's beautiful. She must be an amazing, superior, incredible person. Her time is so valuable, her attention is so valuable. So it's like we don't want to disturb them or approach them in a way that's gonna bother them because oh my God, she's so perfect. We idealize beautiful women. We also, in our culture, idealize anyone who's famous, successful or rich, right? Someone's famous.

People are like, oh my God, it's that person.

Duh, I got their napkin. I can feel the sweat. I reflected glory. So we're idealizing people all the time. So what happens when we do this? Well, it demolishes your self esteem because you see greatness outside of you, but you can't see greatness inside of you. It also, if you're going to go talk to them, creates an imbalance and it doesn't feel good to them either. It does not feel good to be idealized. I'VE talked to a lot of women about this kind of stuff, and they don't like it when a guy comes up to them and puts them on a pedestal and. And it's like, oh, excuse me, you are so amazing, and I'm sorry to bother you for your time because you are so valuable and amazing. It's like, that's not love. That's not real connection. That's just some sort of weird, distorted idealizing. And she doesn't want to be the recipient of that because you're not seeing her clearly. And women, like men, like anyone, what they really deeply want is not to be worshiped, maybe a little bit, but first and foremost to be seen for who they are, to be loved and accepted for who they are, to really be seen and known and appreciated and understood by another person. And if you're a guy listening, take notes on this. I learned this lesson every month, every couple of weeks with my wife. I have to learn the most important thing is not if I earn a lot of money or if I do something really impressive. What she wants most is to feel heard and understood by me. That's what women want. So idealizing them does not serve that purpose. There's so many reasons that idealizing can hurt you. But instead of me telling you them, we're gonna go back to my interview with Dominic where that's what we discuss with him. And he talks about his pattern of idealizing and how to shift this, how to break free of this. So we're gonna take a brief break right now, and then we're gonna jump back into that action packed interview. And if you remember the beginning of the story in the supermarket last week, you're gonna hear the interesting conclusion of that, which does ensure, in fact, that the world is a friendly place. So hang tight. We'll be right back in one second with that awesome interview.

Oh, enter if you must.

Greetings, nerd king. Word of your wisdom has traveled far across the land. I have come to seek your counsel.

A brilliant idea on your part, obviously. Hail, weary traveler. I am at your service, but make haste. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps a Mountain Dew Code Red? Or a vodka and Red Bull?

Ah, thank you, good sir.

Now hurry. What is your ailment?

Well, there's a woman, and I've known her for months. She works on the third floor of my building. I see her once per day, just for a few minutes. We exchange hello. But I want to say so much more to her. For you see, I love her and I want to tell her this?

No, no, no. This is all so tawdry. You must play your hand more wisely than this.

Really? Well, this is why I sought your council, Good Nerd King. What should I do?

Hmm. Well, first you must place a mana card. Perhaps an island or swamp. Then on turn two, you must place another land. And then a two drop. Do you have any two drops with flying?

I. I'm not sure I follow.

Then. Oh, and now. This is brilliant. After all. I just thought of it. Then on turn three, only play a land. Don't play any creatures. She will think you've run out of steam. But then on the next turn, you will play your 5, 5, 4 drop. Ember Beasta Dragon. She won't know how to contain herself.

Yeah. Nerd King, Are you talking about real life?

Of course, you fool. I've used this method to slay hundreds of maidens.

But I don't want to slay. I don't understand. What do I say to her the next time that I see her?

I believe I have already answered that question. You must play an island or a swamp. It's quite simple, really. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some serious camping to do on my favorite modded Counter Strike server. It's in Belgium. You know, the ping is a little high. The lag is tolerable.

Good hunting to you need real advice on what to say to that woman that you're really drawn to but haven't spoken to yet. Go to 30days to dating mastery.com to find out exactly how to do this from a place of authenticity, being yourself, and truly feeling confident in who you are. Go to www.30days to datingmastery.com now.

Expert interview.

That's such a perfect snapshot of where you were and where you are now. And I guess the question that would be is, how did that shift happen? You know, and you can just start throwing out things that come to your mind. What do you think really helped you make that big shift?

I would say. I mean, first off, I'm going to say it was nowhere in any way easy. Nowhere would I ever say that was easy. It takes a lot of determination because, I mean, it also has to. It also takes someone who is there letting you know that the goal that you're reaching for is possible to reach. Because the main thing I remember at the very beginning is like, you know, making an attempt at, you know, like, you know, going beyond my comfort level, failing horribly, and then thinking like, oh, I should just give up, because it's not. It's not possible. Why am I trying this? It's not possible. So. And I mean, you are the one who really were the. Who was helping me keep in my mind that, like, yes, it is possible because it is very much like reaching outside of your comfort zone. And that is never easy in any aspect for anybody because everyone has a comfort zone. So if you ever reach outside of your comfort zone, it's always going to be uncomfortable, it's always going to be difficult, and your brain's automatically going to be like, stop doing that. Go back to where you were. But this, the belief and the knowledge that, like, people can do that and that we're not static, that we can't actually change ourselves was a huge. Mike. My change in my mindset. So I did a lot of exercises with you.

Yeah. What are some of the things that you. Oh, I'm sorry, I was gonna say, what are some of the things, like, the specific things that you remember doing? What stands out in your memory of things, those moments where you were outside your comfort zone? Like, what were some of the activities or things that you did that. That stick with you?

Let's see here. Some of the simple ones were making eye contact with strangers. Simple as that sounds. But I remember even, like. Yeah, so I remember, like, making eye contact with people I didn't know on the street as I walked down the street. And the big realization that I remember making from that is that the majority of the people on the street were just, like. Were more uncomfortable with me making out, content with them than I was. Than I was. I don't know. Like, it was just. I remember that being a big realization. Like, it's not like the second I make eye contact with someone that they're gonna judge me. It's that they were actually. They kind of felt they didn't know what to do with it or whatever. So that's just naturally uncomfortable, rather than me kind of being critical about it, basically approaching. Approaching others that I didn't know and trying to start a conversation with them was the best part of it. And I actually. I continue that to this day to the point that, like, even. Even people that I know within my university that I'm friends with, right. Talk to me about it. They say that we will be walking around downtown or something, and. And we'll be trying to get to some restaurant, right. Or whatever, and we can't find it. Right. And they're looking on their phones and they're trying to figure it out. And then I'm like, I'll just ask someone And I just walk up to a stranger and I'll be like, hey, do you know where this place is? And they'll tell me and, like, nothing happens. Like, they don't go, like, ah, get away from me, stranger. They just. They just tell me, right? And like, before, I never would because I thought, like, oh, I'm bugging this person and they don't want to talk to me and who knows who this person is and whatever. Like, I just want to talk to them. But I've actually had people be like, ah, you. Like, why are you always talking to people all the time? If I have a question now, I will walk up to someone and ask them if. I don't know if I are. Even if, like, I'm standing in front of a piece of art or something. Like, art on. I remember, like, I went recently, I was down in this park, and there's like, this piece of, like, sculpture that was there. And someone, My friend was asking me, he's like, I wonder what, like, what this is supposed to be or where it came from, or. I can't quite remember the details. But, like, I just turned to someone, I asked him, I said, how are you a local? And they go, yeah, I'm from Portland. And I said, oh, okay, what do you know about this piece of art here? And the person happened to know, and he was actually glad. I think he's just, like, kind of proud of the fact that he actually had the answer to my question. And so, yeah, we found out about that sculpture there just because I had a question, and I thought, rather than just wonder, I'll just ask this person. They probably know. Yeah.

And what a. What a high level of social freedom. And you see that the world is a friendly place generally. People are not going to pounce on you. And that the average person, even if they don't think of themselves as shy or with social anxiety, has some discomfort about reaching out. And so when someone is bold enough to do it in a friendly manner, people are surprised and they tend to respond very positively. And in fact, I remember you told me a story when we were working together towards the end there about how you did something similar. You were in a supermarket and you and your girlfriend at the time were thinking about where that you wanted to eat. And you, you know, she was gonna whip out her smartphone and start typing in. You just turn to someone in the aisle and like, hey, you know, of a good, you know, Thai place around here or whatever. And then you said this, which is. I still remember. I still share this with people that I'm working with to like help them realize like that, you know, she said on the way out, like, wow, I don't know if I've ever been around someone who's so bold or outgoing like that. They just ask people. And that's when I realized that you had become abnormal. But in the positive end of the spectrum, like you're doing something that most people won't do. But it's a strength, it's a skill set that most people have never developed.

I'm very proud of it, to be honest. I've discovered that people generally enjoy helping someone if they have a problem. Right. You know, if they have, if they have like a, you know, I can't find this restaurant or can you give me advice on what's the best thing to eat at this restaurant or, you know, whatever, like some, something even that it seems very superficial. But like, they enjoy helping you. They actually like, like to give their input. People like helping other people. They, you know, they're kind of proud that someone's asking them their opinion. Like I've never had, I've never been like, hey, you have any recommendations on a type of coffee that are a good coffee shop? And they've been like, ah, you are a horrible person. Get out of my face. Right? And it never like negatively like responded to me. You know, the most divorce I've ever had is someone be like, oh, I really don't know. And they're more giving kind of like a shy response. Like they just, they don't know what to say about it all because they're being approached by. But I've never had someone negatively lash out at me, which was kind of funny because I don't really know what I was afraid of before. Like, it didn't make any sense. But I mean, like, in my mind, I guess I thought that they were there, something negative was going to happen. But it doesn't make any sense to like walk up to someone and say like, hey, do you have directions to this place? And they like to slap you or something. I mean like, it doesn't make sense.

I hate you. I hate you.

Ron Bergen. Yeah. Yeah, so it doesn't make any sense to me. Like what? I don't really quite know what I was afraid of, but I was. It was very much like a fear based thing that I was not asking people or talking to people because, you know, something was gonna happen. I don't know what.

Yeah, something bad. Social disapproval. Yeah, it's. You said you were proud of that. I Think it was something that I am proud of in myself as well. And maybe it's something of being so long in a place where it was not an option that once you've sculpted that and molded yourself to be able to do that, it's like a. It's like a fun ability that you have, like, a little superpower. I remember I was at a restaurant when I was in graduate school myself, and there was, I don't know, five or six of us eating dinner somewhere, and there was this couple that was a couple tables down, and people started guessing. Somehow they came up and people started guessing, like, what date they were on. And so it kind of became a fun little game. Like, you know, some woman was saying, well, look at how they were sitting like this. And then they did this. And it must be, you know, their first date. And someone else, like, no, they're an old couple. They've been together forever. And so I got everyone to kind of make their guesses, and I was like, great, I'm gonna go find out. And I remember, like, several people on the table. There's, like, sort of a gasp, like, what?

No.

You know, like, something bad is gonna happen. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I'm just, you know, they're not gonna throw water in my face, you know, and I don't think I can. And sure enough, I walked out.

That would be more abnormal for them to do that than it would be for them to be weird. If they did that, they'd have to.

Be, like, kind of, like, paranoid and freaked out, maybe on meth or something. But, you know, I went up and I was just like, hey, we were. We were wondering. You guys make a really good couple. You're really sweet. And what? We're just curious. What is this? What is this your first date? Or have you guys known each other for a while and they were, like, really friendly and shared. I don't remember the answer at this point, but it was just all they took away from that was, yeah, the world's generally a friendly place. So I think that is a great insight for people listening to realize that you can do these little things. I want to ask you this question. Do you remember giving high fives to strangers?

Yes, I do.

Can you tell me a little bit about that experience? You know, what it was like before and during and all that stuff?

Well, like, I. Like I've said a couple times, like I. Or said before, my mind automatically thought something bad was gonna happen. But when you really think about it, like, There's. What's the worst that's gonna happen? Like, you're so. I. It is. I mean, like, the difference between that and most things that is actually kind of socially odd. Like just this high five, strangers. So you are going a bit out of, like, probably other people's comfor. But I'm trying to remember. I don't quite remember people's reactions as much as I probably should. I remember a couple people, literally, like, the second you try to. They just wouldn't. Like, they would make like, cut eye contact from you and everything with you. But, like, that was like, the worst thing that would happen. They never, like, just stopped and started, like, yelling at you or anything. Yeah, like, I imagined it happened. And then some people actually got really excited. I actually can remember some people being really excited about it all.

Yeah. High five, man. Sure. Yeah.

I actually remember. I don't know if I ever told you this, but I started using that because I remember. I remember at. When you're walking around Portland, there's tons of people who walk up and try and advertise to you, and they like, say, like, hey, I made this mixed cd. You want to listen to it? And, like, maybe you'll like it, right? Like, that happened all the time when you're walking through a busy, busy downtown. Um, so people will come up and try and like, get you to buy stuff, right? And I remember that, like, the thing that I would do is when they would walk up towards me and I could try and sell what was gonna happen, I was like, put my hand up and like, high five them and they would high five me and I'd be like, yeah, they'd be excited and then I just walk off. They would never actually have the chance to do the sales pitch at me, which I didn't want. But in the end, they felt good because I seemed excited for something. But. Yeah, I know. I don't remember. I remember it not being. I remember it being really traumatizing in a way. Like, before it was happening and probably even during. But then afterwards I realized that I was. I was still alive and that nothing had happened. In the end, like, the world was still going on and probably nobody really even talked about it ever. So. But, like, during the time I remember being traumatizing, like, I remember. Yeah, sweating and. And thinking really hard about, like, how I had to conduct this and everything. Like, I don't know, like, I could do it wrong. That.

Yeah, exactly. I knew this strange social experiment wrong. And that's the. That's the. That's always the case. It's, it's beforehand that's the most terrifying. And it's interesting. It's like that was the inception of that mission was the high fives. And you know, it was through that work that I started to use that with more other people. So the idea first came from our conversation and then that actually became one of the missions that I used. And I have a dating program, 30 days to dating Mastery. And you, I want to thank you were actually the genesis of that program. Because I remember you said to me, you said, man, I would love if I got an email from you every day, like telling me something to do that I could just go do. And I was like, that's a. Yeah, like that's what we need, right? Is that daily? So I ended up making a full 30 day program where every day there's a mission to do. And sure enough, probably in about week two, just so I don't freak people out too much, high fives is in there. So thank you for that request because that's what led to a program that's now helping other guys get more comfortable with themselves and dating.

I'm happy. I mean, like, I kind of realized that when you're in a place of anxiety, you can. It's kind of the same thing when like, you're like thinking about approaching a woman. Like, you think about it all the time, you have this plan, and then the second you get there, if you have no one telling you to do it, you'll be like, oh, I could just not do it. And then, you know, you just don't do it. Like, it just, it's easier, it feels like, to not do it. But if you actually have someone kind of holding you accountable and like saying like, hey, you should, you know, like they know that you're supposed to do. Makes a big difference because then I don't know why, but it does.

Oh yeah, it's so easy to avoid.

You're like, I could either be embarrassed by doing it or I could be embarrassed of the fact that I say that I didn't do it.

Yeah, that's a tried and true method. Social pressure, baby. Well, that actually gets me to one last thing I want to ask you before my final question here, which is I remember you started working in a serving position where you had just a lot of interaction with people, a lot of social practice, and it felt like that's when you really started to make a distinction about how to interact with women from a place of more power or more confidence in yourself. Less approval seeking, less, you know. And I'm wondering if you're from that time period where you're working that serving position. What did you. Is there anything you could share with guys about how to be around women or how you shifted your thinking around women, that really helped you because it seemed that's. That's when something really clicked for you during that time.

Um, well, I mean, let's see here. So I discovered. Sounds weird. I remember. I remember it not making any sense to my previous self, or what you want to call it, like it is. It didn't make sense back then because what I was doing back then made sense. Like, you. You go up to a woman and you make them feel like they're the goddess of the world and they like you because you're doing that. But in reality, I discovered that, I guess women like more of a challenge in a way. So, like, you. I don't know, you act interested, but at the same time, I remember acting like. Or realizing that if you acted interested but at the same time, you know, you can move on in a way. I don't know if that makes sense. Like, you could kind of like, you know, like, you could take it or leave it. Then they actually reacted more to that than if you were to, like, be drooling all over them the whole time.

Yeah.

I don't know if that, like, kind of portrays that. Like, you know, I like you, you know, I'm interested in you, but, you know, I have a lot of other options. So you got to kind of show something to me as well, rather than, like, I'm, you know, desperate and, you know, to get any type of attention from you is not actually attractive. Even to the point now that, like, I don't. I mean, I've actually even realized that now that I have more interactions with women that, like, I wouldn't want that either. Like, I wouldn't want someone who was obsessed with me or, you know, was, like, falling head over heels to try and get my attention. Like, I'd rather have someone where I was like, I gained their approval or something.

Yeah, absolutely. Because it's more valuable when we don't just gush it out everywhere. And I think you're right. I think what the underlying message that's conveyed is I don't have much going on, and I don't even really know you that well yet, but do you want to marry me? Is the. Because you're the best I'm going to do, please God, say yes versus the other approach, which is still going after what you want. Like, you wouldn't ask the woman that you're with now. You went and asked her out, you pursued her, you demonstrated the interest, but at the same time, if she said, no, I'm not available, you would have said, okay, bummer. But I'm going to move on because I know I'm going to find someone else. And I think that's where the power is.

I remember realizing that it was, well, in the job I worked at, I worked with a lot of women my age, just because the serving industry is filled with women, but I remember working with a lot of women my age, and I realized that, like, it was almost kind of like a game. Like, you could. You could flirt with someone and not actually, like, expect anything to come out of it or whatever you want. Like. And that was where I started practicing, like, the silly things, I don't know, teasing someone about, you know, something that they had done earlier that day. And, like, just keep bringing it up. I don't know, it makes it sound like I'm kind of like you were being annoying in a way, but, like, it all is on the way that they react. If they react appropriately, then you just keep on doing it, and then you're just having fun. But. But, yeah, you're not, like. You're not, like, offending them in any way when you tease them. Like, you're actually just kind of having. You're having a good time, and at the same time, you're kind of. I don't know, it's flirting at the same time.

Yeah, absolutely. And what really shows that you get something on a deep level that I think a lot of guys don't, which is that the nice guy, you know, the shy guy, is terrified to offend her in any way he wants to. She's the goddess of the world, after all. So I'm gonna be extra polite and extra nice, AKA extra boring. And when you are willing to tease a little bit, it shows that, hey, we're equals here. I'm teasing you just like I would tease anyone else. Like, I'm not gonna give you amazing special treatment. You're just a person like me. So it puts you on an equal, equal plane instead of her on a pedestal. And Absolutely. I mean, all the way back to the days of the playground. Teasing is a bonding thing. It's a way of playing. It's an engaging thing. And, you know, you're doing it right, just as you said, where she laughs or she slaps your arm and she says, shut up, you know, and you know it's going well. If. If she's like, I hate you, get away from me, and she means it, then maybe you're missing the mark.

There's obviously, you know, an entity spectrum. Like, you could be too nice of a guy and you can obviously be much of a jerk.

Yeah, you gotta get that. Sway the sweet spot right in between nice guy and jerk.

Yeah. I mean, I think it even, like, applies to, like, the way you think about it. Like, if I don't. I wouldn't want someone. I would feel uncomfortable if a girl was to talk about me as if I was like the greatest thing in the planet. Like, because I would be like, no, no, I'm not that. I mean, calm down. Like, I'm not that amazing. Like, you know, like, I wouldn't want. I can understand why that's not attractive. Yeah. Because I wouldn't want someone to be doing that towards me that would make me feel uncomfortable. And they're not.

They're not perceiving you for who you are. They're not really seeing you. It's like, oh, there's Dominic. He's a great guy. He's got strengths and he's got some flaws and I really want to know who he is. They're like, I'm going to project and imagine that you're this. And you're right, that's very. It's unappealing. Because women like all of us, what they really want deep down is to be seen and understood and appreciated for who they are. And when you're idealizing them, you're not doing that. You're putting something on them that's really not something that they can live up to. Well. So in the interest of time here, I want to ask you one last question. I think you're sharing so much good stuff that is really going to help a lot of people out there. But I thought I'd just add this opportunity for you to say anything else. Here's the question. What advice would you have for other guys listening right now who are stuck in that place of shyness and self doubt and hopelessness and self criticism? Like, is there any advice or words of wisdom that you'd want to impart to them or share with them to help them move forward in their lives?

See, I want to make sure I word this correctly. I would say that don't do drugs.

No, I'm just kidding.

When I was in that place, this idea of like, you know, the things that we've just been talking about. Right. The idea that something can change that just because your personality is or you know, your Persona or your nervousness and everything the way it is now doesn't mean that it's gonna stay that way. I just remember that being such a firm belief in my head. Oh, I mean, to the point that like, that like I didn't believe things that you were telling me. To the point that like I probably, I could listen to this and believe and not believe it. You know, like I could come up with excuses of why that this does not apply to me. And it wasn't, it wasn't until I kind of just said like, to hell with it. I'm just gonna see, like I'm just gonna try. I guess there's nothing, I'm not gonna lose anything or I don't know, like I'm just gonna, I'm gonna like, yeah, I'm gonna have faith. And the fact that like, I want this to change and I'm being told that it can and I don't believe it, but I'm gonna try and see if it does happen. And it wasn't until I really started like just kind of thinking that maybe it can that like it started actually happening because it isn't easy. And you are really like pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone all the time. But then your comfort zone changes and you suddenly have a new comfort zone and it's easy to do what you were doing before. And you've changed and you're now, you're now able to do things that you weren't able to do before, which back then seemed impossible, but now are obviously very easily easy to do. And then you have new things that you want to do, you know, a new idea of what's impossible. And so I just, I'm frustrated that I spent so much time not believing that it was possible for me to be where I am at now. If I somehow was able to make that connection earlier on, I wouldn't have had spent so much time kind of with all that self doubt and self hatred and self just, you know, blocking myself off from things that I wanted to do. Because it is very, it is very possible to do or to turn yourself into the person that you desire to be.

That's awesome and well said and I agree 100%. It's very inspiring and I think you said it perfectly. There's nothing really I can add to that. And what I love about it so much is that it's just absolutely true. And I watched you do it and as I said, you had a level of determination and you Got this stuff in a way that few people do. And I'll end with this. Which I think makes it so. What makes it so valuable is that the same process that someone uses to get from really stuck and really shy to normal level of confidence is the exact same thing you can use to go from a normal level of confidence to leadership positions and doing the impossible and creating an amazing life or going after that woman that you think is so beautiful and so out of your league, and yet you do it anyway. And it's this the same process. It's just a higher level of playing, higher level of game. And so it's really cool to see you having gotten not only out of the stuck place to the normal place, and then now you're going beyond and just doing so much cool stuff in the world. And I'm so excited and happy to hear that and that you took the time to share that with me and everyone else here. So thank you so much for your time and your insights, Dominic.

Oh, yeah. And thank you. You mean, I wouldn't have actually been able to share this story if I hadn't had someone helping me along the way. So I have a lot of thanks to give to you as well. Right on.

Great. Okay. Thanks, Dominic.

No problem.

So before we end today's show, we have to end with what we always end with, which is. That's right, your action step. Because none of this stuff intellectual and. Oh, that sounds really cool. And that's a good idea. None of this stuff is gonna really change your life until you take action.

Time for action.

So how do we take action on what we learned today? Well, first of all, think about someone. And you might have been doing this as you've been listening to this episode, or even just right now in this moment, it might come to you. Someone that you tend to idealize. You tend to see them as over the top, bigger than life, having it all together, perfect. And what I like you to do is think about them as a real person. Imagine them getting up in the morning. Are they sleeping in pajamas or in their underwear? Imagine them shuffling to the bathroom, using the bathroom, taking a shower. Imagine them sitting on the toilet. I know it's absurd, but that's the point, right, is they're human. Imagine that they have moments where they feel excited and happy. And they also have moments where they feel confused or stuck or sad without knowing exactly why. Really think about what are their strengths? There are things that I really find amazing about them, and what are those strengths? But also, what are some of their flaws and challenges and shortcomings, what might they struggle with behind closed doors? And if your mind's like nothing, nothing, they're perfect. Well, really do this exercise. Really just realize that no one is perfect. Everyone is human. Everyone has limitations, everyone struggles at times. So really do this practice and imagine and see them for their whole person. And if you're doing this with the idea of like a beautiful woman. Yeah. Think about her too, right? How even if she's beautiful, sometimes she feels unattractive, sometimes she has a hard time, sometimes she's afraid of getting hurt, sometimes she doesn't know what to do and feels scared and shuts down. Just like all of us. Right? So that's your action step for today, is to see this person that you've been idealizing as a human. Just like you want to take it one step further, Check out the Solution of Social Anxiety book, which actually recently is just coming out on audiobook. You can find that on itunes and audible and so forth. And you can listen to it, but there's a whole section there about building your strengths. So do that if you like. Regardless, next week we're going to be getting into what I call escaping the shyness prison. If you feel like you're stuck in a prison sometimes from your shyness, you're going to learn how to bust out, how to find that key, break through the doors, rip them open, dynamite the walls, whatever it takes to get out, break free of that shyness. So stay tuned for that next week and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.