Dr. Aziz explains why we predict failure as a way to protect ourselves from uncertainty, but it backfires by increasing anxiety and cutting us off from connection and opportunity. He shares stories about a friend waiting for a job offer, his son at a bakery, and his own fears launching events, then urges you to notice when you do this and stay open instead.
Why do we predict failure? Do you do that? Do you, like, think about something you want and then just imagine with certainty that it's not going to work out? That person's definitely not going to want to talk to me or hire me or go out with me, you know? A good friend of mine was waiting to hear back from a job interview. Very exciting job. He really wants it. He went through, like, multiple rounds of interviews. They're gonna let him know by Friday of this week if he's gonna get it. And he's like, Wednesday. And he's freaking out, and he's like, I haven't her back. I haven't her back. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm done. I'm toast. Like, why do we do this? We're driving to a bakery the other day. It's a little. It's a vegan bakery in Portland, and they have these pizza rolls, but there's no cheese in them. It's like cashew cheese. And my son loves them. Both my kids love it. And we're driving there. And that's later in the day, though, and they often sell out of a lot of stuff at this bakery. So we're like, I don't know, we're gonna swing by. Maybe they'll have it, maybe they won't. We're going home from something to something else. And my son is five, is like, nah, they're not gonna have it. They're not gonna have it. I know it. And we're like, well, you still want to stop by, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we should stop by. But they're not gonna have it. Like, okay, but you still want to stop by. So he's predicting failure. Why do we do this? I remember doing this so much. I remember when I first started hosting live events. I mean, before that, long before that. With social anxiety, I would predict all kinds of social outcomes as failures, you know, rejections. People are going to want to talk to me. But then, even later in my business, I'm going to create this new thing. I'm going to offer a live event, a workshop. People can come in from different cities, and we'll work on this stuff in person. I know it's going to be way more impactful and radically change people's lives. Let's do this. I'm excited about it. And no one's going to come. Nobody. Yeah, nobody's going to come. No one's going to want to do that. No one's going to want to fly out here for that. And this voice in my head was absolutely certain of that. Why do we do that? Why is it the default? Why do we keep jumping there? Do you do that? And then does that actually serve us? So I really thought about this the other day. You know, why we're doing this? It's a protection strategy. We're trying to protect ourselves. So my friend really wants that job. Does he have control over whether he's going to get that job or not? Not really. I mean, he's done all he could do. He prepared for the interviews, he did them. Now it's out of his hands. That feeling of I really want something but I don't have control over whether I get it. That's uncomfortable, isn't it? That's vulnerable. So we try to, it's uncertain. So we try to deal with that uncertainty by getting some certainty. Unfortunately, we choose shitty certainty, like we're not gonna get it. It's almost like we're trying to, we're trying to close down, like our hearts open and bright, right? Like, I'm gonna get that job. Or if you're a five year old, I'm gonna get that pizza roll, you know, and, and yet it's like, oh, this is vulnerable. I'm open and excited. Feel really awesome to get it, but I don't know if I am. Ah, ah, ah, close it down. I'm not gonna get the job, I'm not gonna get the pizza roll. No one's gonna come to my live event, right? And not only is this a way to try to protect ourselves, it actually, it doesn't serve us because it creates more anxiety, doesn't it? You know, then this guy, it's not like he says, well, I'm not gonna get the job. Okay, well, well, I'm moving on with my life. I gave it my all. What are you gonna do? No, he's still just as stressed out. It's just a ineffective attempt to try to guard ourselves and protect ourselves. And you know what? That's the core of a lot of low confidence stuff and social anxiety stuff is we're trying to protect ourselves from life, from relationships, from interactions, from rejection, from inevitable failures, just from living fully. And so I encourage you to catch that when you're doing that, you might be doing it on a daily basis with small stuff and then on occasion with bigger stuff. So catch it. When you notice yourself predicting failure, call it out. Say, ah, must be trying to get uncertainty. Or I must be trying to get certainty, which means I must be uncertain, right? Now. And can I live in the not knowing? Can I live? Can I embrace this vulnerability of wanting this thing? And maybe I'll get it, maybe I won't. And you know what? I'm gonna open my heart, and I'm gonna want it fully, because if I do get it, it'll be that much sweeter. And if I don't, I can handle that, too. But I'm not gonna shrink and guard myself and close down my heart and try to get through life safe, because I'm not getting out of here alive. Anyway, awesome. Thanks for being with me today. And until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
