Stop Telling Yourself You're Boring

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about you being less boring. No, I'm kidding. We're going to talk about you. Stop telling yourself that you're boring and then you actually become less boring. We're going to get into this because this is a major reoccurring theme that I see with clients when you're experiencing social anxiety or a challenge with conversation confidence. And this is one of the most reoccurring stories or beliefs that clients have that I'm helping that on some level I am boring. So we're going to get into this, why you might be doing it, how it's affecting your social confidence in your social life, how to shift this, and then, I mean, how the result is much better than you might ever realize. Way beyond just thinking that you're more interesting, but actually really opening you up for better connections and better relationships. So thanks for being with me today on the show. If you are benefiting from this, please take just several minutes to go to itunes or, or Apple podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this Stitcher. Is that a thing? I don't know. Maybe you're listening on that anyway and give it a review because that helps me reach more people and that's the purpose of this. I call it Operation Mass Liberation. Let's help each other, humanity break out of any limitation of self doubt, self criticism, the illusion that you're not enough, the illusion that you're isolated and alone to see that you are already connected, already worthy, already capable of to create an extraordinary life and the connections that you want. So if you're excited about that and you want to help find those people, help find the others, then join me just by taking a few minutes to figure out how to do that and then writing a review. Thank you so much. So do you tell yourself that you're boring? Are you aware of telling Yourself that this. Now sometimes people are aware, very aware, like, oh yeah, I tell myself that all the time. And it's very. On the surface of your consciousness. Some people, some clients that I work with, they're not super aware of it consciously. But when we start to dig, you know, okay, I'm nervous around those people or I feel self conscious, I feel hesitant, I'm uncomfortable approaching, I don't share as much about myself. When we start to dig and uncover what's beneath the fear, it's. It's not going to go well. They're not going to like me. And why are they not going to like me? Why do they not want to listen to me? Why do they not care about what I want to share? It's because it's not interesting. That's boring. Now there are cousins of the it's boring story that may have slightly different features, but are basically the same thing. Like, I'm not interesting. You know, my life isn't engaging enough. I'm not interesting. My whatever, my job is not interesting. My personal life is not interesting, my relationship not interesting, my hobbies are not interesting. No one would get my stuff. The stuff I'm into is not interesting. Or it's too weird, it's too fringe. There's some way in which you're kind of generalizing and putting yourself into a category of not worth listening to, not worth sharing about, not worth having someone pay attention to you. And so the language might be slightly different, but the result is pretty similar, which is don't share. Right? So what do you tell yourself? Imagine you were going to go interact with someone that you know, you thought was interesting or powerful or connected or beautiful, or someone you'd want to be around, or someone you liked, or someone that you thought was interesting and fun and, you know, magnetic to you. Do you have someone in mind like that now around those kinds of people? Do you feel some sense of me? I don't know about that they're not going to be interested in little old me. That right there, that's what we're looking at. Whatever the language you have for it, whatever story is, that's the essence of the perspective that I'm trying to highlight that you might have. I see this as most people that I work with do have this, so you might as well. And my question for you is, when did you start telling yourself that you weren't interesting or that you were boring or that you weren't worth paying attention to? When did you start coming to that conclusion? Has it been a Long time. Can you think back, was it, you know, in your 20s, was it in high school, college, high school, years, even younger? And what was that? You know, a common thing that I see that goes hand in hand with this is for as long as people can remember, there's also a sense of like, I just don't belong. I don't fit in here. I'm not a part of the group. I'm not one of them. And even if they're around people, it's kind of like, oh, yeah, I was on the sports team, but I was kind of. I never really felt a part of it. Or I was with that group of people, but I was always on the outside. And so there's a sense of separation or distance. And maybe that goes hand in hand with this when you reflect on that. So where did you learn this? And how long have you been telling yourself this? Has it been years? Has it been decades? And isn't that fascinating to me? Take a moment and look at that and say, wow, wow. This is a perception I've been carrying around with me for lord knows how long. And when you think back to wherever you started to tell yourself this, like, what was the origin? Was it like, oh, yeah, you know, the kids in middle school didn't like to talk to me. Okay, maybe so, maybe so. How many years ago was that? How much older are you now? Like that your reality got set then at age 11 or age 7 or age 15 or even age 20 or I mean, just anytime in the past. Why was your identity set based upon how other people reacted you at a certain time in your life? And maybe it wasn't just one moment. Maybe it was like, you know, your whole childhood. You know, your parents were like, you're boring. Stop telling me things. Either they said that directly or they just didn't want to pay attention to you much. Okay, you know, that's painful, and I'm sorry that you experienced that. And why is that? Why are you choosing to have that be set in stone as your identity and your reality and the truth? So what if your dad wasn't interested in you when you were young? That doesn't mean that you are not interesting to other people now, right? Can you see how those are two very separate things? Things. Let's say your dad also hated quesadillas. Quesadillas are terrible, he used to say. And so does that mean everyone hates quesadillas now? You go to a restaurant and you know, someone orders a quesadilla and you say, what's Wrong with you. How could you know? I thought no one. Why do they even have these on the menu? No one in the world would want to buy them, right? You know, it's absurd when I, you know, use that example. So why would you think that? Everyone thinks that. What, you know, what your dad thought when you were young, and it may or may not even be what your dad thought. That was your perception when you were young. Maybe your dad was stressed. Maybe your dad was in his own world and thinking about the problems at work and just didn't pay that much attention to his kids. Maybe your dad was emotionally immature or guarded or couldn't open his heart to his children, which would not be the first father in the world who had a hard time doing that, right? In any case, no matter what the story, no matter what the past, no matter what the origin, what about right now? Because the biggest problem with this, the biggest challenge, is not what happened then. It is you reinforcing this perspective, this story, every single day or every single time you go interact with someone or every single time you approach someone that you're intimidated by or attracted to or want to connect with. And so what I'm highlighting right here is you are the biggest aggressor. You are the perpetrator. You are the abuser here who is consistently berating yourself. Now, to use more specific language, it's not you. It's a part of you. It is an inner critic that you are giving credit or power to or authority to. And the reason I'm using that strong language of abuser or perpetrator is to wake you up to say, wait a minute, this is not okay. This is not just normal. Because when it comes to abusive situations, a lot of people will just tolerate it, thinking it's normal, especially that's what they experienced in childhood. So, you know, maybe your parents or other kids said you weren't interesting or you're boring or you're not worth hearing it from. Now you're doing the same damn thing to yourself inside of your own mind, and it's time to stop it now and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is that? What is that even. It's a conceptual, vague, meaningless thing to be interesting or boring. What is that? That's just a label. That's just a perspective. There's no truth in that. What's interesting to one person is boring to someone else, and what's interesting to that other person is boring to the other person. It's just for who and when. And so when you're globally putting yourself into this category. You are shooting yourself in the foot socially, confidence wise and really for relationships, connection and the sense of aliveness. Because as a human you need to share, you need to know others, be seen by others and to know them and see them too. It is a deep, pulsing hunger in your heart. It's a fundamental human need, perhaps one of the beyond, like, you know, food and shelter, the most basic human need. And really in some ways maybe even more important for the survival of your emotional health and your soul. You can get by on a lot less food and shelter, but to feel like you are unlovable can be fatal and lead to suicide, depression, sort of disconnecting from life. So you need this, we all need this. And so to prematurely withhold that from yourself by putting this label is truly abusive. It's insane and it needs to stop and it needs to stop now. Can you feel that? Are you agreeing with me here? Some parties saying, yeah, wait a minute, that is messed up. Wait a minute, why have I been listening to that part? Why? So I've done this with my kids to kind of play with and expand their perception a little bit. And I'll say, if you're sharing something, is it interesting or not? Kind of look at me with smiles on their faces like. And I said, well, what if the person that you're sharing it with is not interested in it? And then my older son said, well, then it's not interesting. I said, really? What if you're interested in it? And then he paused and kind of like a confused look on his face. And I said, what if you're interested in it and someone else is interested in it but not that other person? He said, well, then it's interesting. I said, okay, how many people need to be interested in it for it to be interesting? He's like, well, I guess as long as I'm interested in it. I said, ah, interesting. I think so too. What I'm trying to set him and his brother up for, both consciously and unconsciously, because both me and my wife have a strong desire to nurture that sense of, you belong and you are worthy and you matter and you, you are worthy of attention. And so when my kids have told me stories about things about their lives from the youngest age, I will do my best to, you know, nine times out of 10, slow down, stop what I'm doing, look at them, look at their eyes, look at their faces, give them energy and attention and then they'll just tell me something, you know, different ages, different things, right? At young ages Cooing and making sounds. And then as they get older, it's little, little stories. And as I get older, it's about things that happen to them in their lives or experiences they had. You know, my younger son, he likes to remember his dreams. And so in the morning, often I'll say, you know, do you remember any dreams? And then he'll start telling about a dream. And his older brother, who is very like by the book, you know, fact mental kind of kid is like, you know, when his brother starts to share his kind of listening, like, is this a real dream or is he making this up? And so if he gets the whiff of him making it up, he's like, nah, you didn't have that. That's not happening. That didn't happen in a dream. You're just making it up. And I'll always stop him, like, listen, you know what, this is his share. I don't know, it's a sleeping dream or a waking dream. Hey, some say life is but a dream. So let's let him keep sharing. And so I'll intervene, I'll stop him from shutting him down. And then of course he tells me this thing that's, you know, who knows, maybe sometimes you dream it, sometimes he just making it up in that moment. But that's another dream, isn't it? And it's not about the, you know, the veracity of when he had this experience. It's just share. You have the floor. The young senator, the six year old senator has the floor. Let's let him share. Now you can speak, now you can share. You matter, your perspective matters. And the reason I'm telling stories about my kids is because I am interacting with them in a way to set them up in the way that I would encourage you to interact with yourself, the little part inside of you. And so what does that mean? What does that practically look like? Well, it means sharing about you and about your life and about your interests and about your hobbies and about your day to day experiences and about your challenges and your struggles and your goals and your dreams and your breakthroughs and your victories. Sharing that liberally letting other people into your world, sharing that with your friends, with your family, with your dates, with your spouse, with colleagues, with new people in your life. Like not having this sort of withholding quality where I'm not, it's not gonna be, I don't know if you're gonna like it, so I'm not gonna share about it. But instead you share with this bright, unbridled enthusiasm and Passion, just like that six year old kid. And why, why is it for them? Well, yeah, because we're all connected and we all need to share. We all need to see and be seen and it's for you. And this is where healthy selfishness, healthy self interest comes in. But if you're super nice person is like, well, I don't need anything, I don't want to bother anybody so I'm just going to focus the conversation on them. I'm not going to share anything about myself because I don't know that's going to be boring to them or not. You're starving yourself. That's not, that's too nice. That's down the spectrum of selfishness down into self denial where you are pushing down your basic human needs and that doesn't end well and it's not sustainable and it doesn't serve you and doesn't help you become the most free, bold, powerful version of you who's here to do something, here to contribute something that only comes about when your soul is fed through sharing and being seen and being excited and being alive. Are you with me? Are you nodding your head? Is this something you want to do? Awesome. Let's talk about how to do it. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step this week is going to be to share because how do you overcome that story of oh, you're not interesting, you're not, you're boring. You just share, you share as if you're interesting. You practice it again and again and again. So you could, you know, spend the next five years trying to convince yourself that you're. And then maybe sometimes you'll feel like you are, but then that voice will get you the next day and tell you that you're not. And it's gonna be this battle forever. I say let that battle just rage in the background and today share. And if you're like, oh my gosh, but I'm so uncomfortable and I have such a strong negative inner critic or doubt, well work with that. I mean there's other episodes about that. You can also get my book on My Own side, which goes in depth on how to neutralize that critic and just share 3, 3% more. Just look for one more sentence, one more opportunity, one more conversation, one more thing. Just share one more thing than you normally would and then do it again the next day and do it again the next day and do it again the next day. Because it's like little things like that, little incremental changes over time that produce a radical shift and all of a sudden you just stop questioning it, you stop evaluating it. That's another thing to do is stop intervene on the evaluation of was this worth sharing or not? And was this interesting enough or not? Just completely stop that evaluation. It serves you in no way, shape or form. So the invitation, the action, is to share a little more openly, a little more freely. And not just once, not just for this one action step, but as a way of life. And if you want to get more boldness and courage and a willingness to just rip it open and say, yeah, here I am, the Confidence foundation is a powerful course for that. You can get that inside of Confidence University. And if you're curious about that, go to the confidenceuniversity.com all written out. The confidenceuniversity.com the foundation is a bonus course that comes with the university and it's just about making you rejection proof, owning who you are, neutralizing that critic, knowing you're of value. And then of course, in the Social Mastery course, that's where you go even further in really owning your value and knowing people are lucky to know you, that your presence is a gift, that your friendship is a gift. And you really not just think that, but you know that inside. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.