Stop This For 7 Days To Transform Your Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, the show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect, and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Today, it's the day. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to tell you this.

Don't be mad at me, okay? All right. Okay. If I apologize enough, will you maybe not be mad at me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is awkward, isn't it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm starting this whole episode off wrong.

Okay? But here's what I gotta tell you. Stop apologizing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to tell you that. Should I not have said that? Okay, all right, that's enough. That's probably. You made it through the first 30 painful seconds of that episode. Let's cut to the chase. Today is about stop apologizing. And I'm gonna put my most formal clinical training and we're gonna do a formal clinical intervention here. You ready? Dude, dude, just stop it. I don't know if you can hear it right now. My teeth are clenched. Because it's just not. It's not serving anybody. Nobody, nobody is served by it. The only thing that's served by it is your own compulsion to try to avoid discomfort, typically through upsetting or conflict, or some sort of concern that others might temporarily disapprove of you. That's the only thing. It's like feeding an addiction. That's the only thing it's doing for you. So you could say, well, getting drunk does something for the person, right? It feeds their alcoholism. And, you know, maybe as a. As a function of trying to get away from feelings or responsibilities, other things, but it's not actually serving them in any significant, real lasting way. It's not what their highest self would want. It's not what their family would want. It's not what their future self would want. It's not what life or the purpose of your existence would want. Right? It's just kind of a thing we do. And that's okay. We all do things that are maybe not optimal. But this one is really sticky and I just. If I could just like. It's like slapping something out of your hand. I want to slap the drink out of your hand. Don't do it. Stop it. Stop it. Or when it comes to dog training, Right. And sometimes child training is the old classic. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Leave it, leave it, leave it. And so we do with our dogs, right? They're gonna do something. They're eyeing some food on the table. Or the little one, Shadow, is eyeing the other dog's leftover food because Sierra won't finish her food often. She just walks away from it. And then Shadow's looking at it because Shadow will never, never leave a bowl of food uneaten. It's just. It does not compute in his being. Why would anyone ever not just gorge themselves? In fact, little fun side story. Shadow's a tiny dog. He weighs like 30 some pounds, 32 pounds. Sierra is a big dog. She weighs like 75 pounds. Shadow eats one cup of food for breakfast. Sierra eats four cups of food for breakfast. Sometimes Sierra won't even eat her food at all. She'll look at it and be like, nah, I don't know, it's not my thing. So she'll walk away. And if we're not paying attention, Shadow knows he's not supposed to eat it. So he has to wait till no one's around. And he'll kind of think about it and maybe wait till someone goes outside to get something, you know, from their car. And he's like. And he'll eat four cups of her food as fast as possible before anyone can stop him, right? That's like two days worth of food for him. He'll just slam it. So where was I? Stop apologizing. That was the point of that story. No, the point of that story is stop eating so much, you fat. No, no, no. The point of that story is corrections. Corrections are needed. So if you see Shadow moving towards the bowl, sometimes he does this kind of roundabout way, like, what? I'm just walking over to this side of the table and you eyeing it, moving towards it. You say, ah, leave it. He knows not to do that. And that's what we need to do to ourselves when it comes to apologizing. And if you so often people. This one's fascinating to me because someone could be on board. And the point of this episode is one, to make sure you're on board with it. I mean, you don't got to do anything that I suggest or say, right? You're the captain of your ship, but hopefully by the end of this, you're on board with like, yeah, I don't think that's serving me. And then a lot of people do stuff like that and they kind of chuckle as they're doing the thing that doesn't serve them like, I know I shouldn't eat all that cake, but what are you gonna do, right? And they abdicate their own responsibility and choice as if, like, they don't have control. But this is something you do have choice and control over if you're really ready. I think when people kind of chuckle like that, they're not really ready to take charge of their health when. Or they're not really ready to take charge of being a powerful creator in their life and to stop approval seeking in everything that we do. I mean, that can be such a deep discomfort with changing that. But if you're really ready, and you just might be on that cusp right now listening to this episode, then something powerful can happen. So let's make a first case for it, and then we'll talk about getting that correction in there. The case to stop apologizing. Well, at best. At best, it's kind of a benign, unnecessary thing to say. And at worst, it's very disruptive to your relationships. It's agitating, irritating, or off putting to others. Creates distance and diminishes your own ability to ask for what you want, your own needs, and ultimately your own sense of self and connection to who you are. So it goes from pretty mild to pretty bad. But it's a subtle thing, right? It's like having some mold in your wall. You don't even know what's happening, right? And then before you know it, you got some sort of lung issue. So that's what we got to do is intervene before it gets real bad. And maybe it already is really bad. And that's okay. You can change it. This is much easier to remediate than mold. Just takes more of that choice inside of you. But why? Why is it bad? You might say, isn't. Isn't apologizing polite? Sorry, can you pass the P's? Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to bother you. I'm sorry, you mind if I say something here? Right? Isn't that just polite? Aziz, isn't that just British? Right? And look, this isn't some life is not some rigid black and white rule thing that you carry out a code without thinking like a robot. Sure, you could say, I'm sorry you bump into somebody or whatever, but what I'm hearing is people apologizing when it's completely unnecessary. They didn't do something inappropriate. They didn't hurt somebody. They didn't actively aggress against somebody. They didn't act outside their values. They didn't do something that would be considered rude or antisocial.

Really, they just maybe spoke up or. I see this all the time. People share about themselves. They share something. You know, I had this experience at work and now I remember this story for my life. Or one time when I was younger, I got in this relationship, we broke up. And they'll share something really beautiful, really connecting, really bonding. And then they'll say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to tell you all that. I'm sorry to burden you with all that.

And if you've ever been on the receiving end of that, it's kind of like, ew. You just like, we had this beautiful sweet moment that was happening and then you kind of just peed in the punch bowl. What are you doing? Don't. Stop that. Stop. Ah. Ah. Right. And what's happening is people are uncomfortable with being seen. They have a. They're apologetic. Ultimately, when you over apologize like that, you are apologizing for who you are. That's why it's not. You didn't do anything inappropriate, but it feels like you need to apologize because on some level you are reinforcing this toxic story that your existence is inappropriate. You revealing who you are or having needs or just being a human on this planet is not okay. And look, usually this doesn't come out of nowhere. There's some pretty strong nice conditioning, which I go in super depth in my book. Not Nice. If you haven't checked that out, you can reflect on your own nice conditioning. And if you're ready to just pull the rip cord and go, then check out Less Nice, more you. It's like the follow up to Not Nice. It's a lightning bolt of a book that's just like, okay, you get it. You get that you want to make these changes. You don't need to read the whole textbook on the origin story, which is useful if you want to learn that as well. But just like, let's go. That's full of practices and short chapters to help you really implement this. And this. This episode is like one of those. It's like, okay, this is unhealthy essentially to do that. And it's distant. And then once, once you're onto it, it starts to become agitating or irritating. I can't tell you how many people I talk to and they're, they're kind of frustrated with their friend or their partner because they say it all the time. They say, hey, you don't need to apologize. And the person's like, uh huh huh. And I'm gonna keep doing it because it's not really. And that's where it gets. That's why it's irritating, I think, to people because it's not a real apology.

It'S a compulsion. It's not even about the other person. Like a true apology. When is an apology warranted? Well, you know, again, every case is different, but I would suggest generally we've acted in a way that feels like it's outside of our values and there's been an impact on somebody and we want to make things right. Right. Kind of basic, like playground stuff. You whack the other kid in the head and you go to them and say, hey, I'm sorry for hitting you in the head. Now, you might not want to, the teacher makes you, but hopefully over time you have an internal sense of like, nah, that doesn't feel right, you know. So what are the values? Well, people share a lot of values. Sometimes they're unique. But generally want to treat people that we love with respect. We want to speak well to them and not, you know, a character attack them and harshly criticize them. So if I have a blaming tone, let's say with my wife Candice, I have like a sharp blaming tone like, oh, why'd you do that over here? You know, and I'm kind of spewing out a little bit of my anxiety or frustration or I'm stressed about something and it comes out in this way about some other non issue that I'm making a big deal. I might come back and say, hey, I'm sorry about, you know, the way my tone there when I was talking about the mess in the kitchen, that I was frustrated about something in my life, or I'm stressed about this and I'm, you know, I wasn't communicating that in the most direct or authentic, vulnerable way. I was instead just kind of pushing and picking at you with this thing. Right. That, that would be a small example. And obviously if you do something more out of your values, lying or withholding something or doing something that feels off to you, you go apologize. And that's truly about you and the other person. It's about the bond, it's about the relationship. It's about connecting, deepening. It's really impactful. If you've been on either end of it, it kind of clears the air to be on the receiving end of it. You're like, oh, thank you. That just feels good. I feel more relaxed. I don't feel there's something about the other person's taking ownership. And so you can you can relax because you're like, oh, that means they're like looking at this and they don't want to keep doing that. Ah, I can trust you more. Builds trust. That's completely different than the compulsive apologizing, which is not really even about the other person. It's about me. Just kind of. It's like a superstition almost, right? It's like, I'm going to rub this coin three times and no one's going to be mad at me today, right? And so here I am rubbing the coin, Rubbing the coin. And the other person might even be looking you in the eye saying, there's nothing to apologize for. I'm right here. Uh huh huh. Where's my stone? Where's my coin? I gotta go rub it. Yeah, no, I'm listening. Uh huh. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I'm so anxious inside. I just have to keep doing this though. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right, and so if you really see it that way, can help you start to feel, hopefully a sense of aversion or even repulsion to that kind of apology. Not some pressure, like it's a good thing.

And oftentimes people apologize about having needs, asking for things, asserting things. Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but you're, let's say you are just texting a friend, hey, sorry to bother you on the weekend or whatever. I was like, wait, what? Did you have an agreement with your friend that said you're not gonna text him on the weekend? Sometimes I'll have a client or something who will email me. I'm like, sorry to, sorry to interrupt or bother you or something. And it's like, okay, what, who's this about you? We have. You can email me. Did I never say don't email me? Right, so. But we're living with the rules. Not from our real relationships, but the rules set in our head. And yes, when you were a kid, maybe talking to your dad when he was working on his truck or sitting in his office, or your mom when she was doing something in the kitchen or in the, in her, in her office writing a report or whatever was happening, your parent was doing something and you said, hey, stop that, get out of here, don't bother me, right? And we're like, oh, sorry, so sorry to bother you, mom. And look, I don't know if that happened, but maybe that was part of the conditioning, right? But that was then and this is now. And now it's 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years later. And we're carrying out the same conditioning and that's where we need to change things. And so the way that you change them, whether you're trying to change Shadow, my dog's behavior, or ourselves, is when first we have to get in alignment with, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to do something so much better.

And that's why I encourage, you know, try to run it as an experiment. Like seven days is a great amount. Seven day apology fast is what I call it. Fasting is all the rage these days, right? Intermittent fasting, water fasting, juice fast. Fasting will cure everything, right? Well, how about an apology fast? That's Dr. Aziz's prescription. No, cure everything, you got cancer. Apology fast. Actually maybe not too far fetched because a large contributing factor to all kinds of illnesses and immune suppressing effects and mind body conditions comes from nice patterns overall. Apologizing over apologizing is one of which. But over apologizing unnecessarily is a symptom of a larger dysfunction within your own relationship with your own self, your own needs. Valuing who you are and bringing who you are into the world. So it alone, the apology fast is not going to cure everything, but it will be a step in a larger discovering a new version of you, the real version of you, reclaiming a healthier identity that can truly create deep connections and relationships in this world. And so that's where getting online with it, on board with it, I should say. It's like, yeah, I get it now. I want to do it. Okay, then the next thing is to raise your awareness of when you have a little infraction. And I was playing around with this at one of my virtual events recently. Let's see if this comes through.

Did you hear that? It's a little buzzer button I had. And so you want to have a little buzzer inside.

And you can be playful about this. Just imagine you're training a puppy. Like.

You know, use the puppy tone. I get a little puppy and they're doing something wrong. You have to like, ah, I'm gonna kill you. No, just like, no, no, no. Ah. It's enough to just get their attention. Their ears perk up. Like, what do you, you don't want me to think, don't do the thing. Ah, leave it so you little playfully in your head, like, ah. So when you catch the apology, that's a good thing. You want to catch Shadow when he's trying to sneak the food so you can teach him not to do it. And if he just. You come back and the bowl is empty or like that happens in her house. Like, did Sierra eat it? Who ate. Who ate the food? Was it Sierra or Shadow? And Shadow's like, upside down near the fireplace, on his back with his belly, like, extended. He's like, oh, like, you got a shadow. You can't correct him. Then you can't do what you're doing. Go beat him up. He doesn't even know what's going on. He's like, why are you attacking me? I'm just sitting here. Not. Don't beat by the fire. Is that a bad thing? Right? It's got to be in the moment. So catch yourself. Or right after, be like, ah, it slipped out. And then see if you can be playful with it. Count it. How many times do I apologize? It depends on how severe the compulsion is. How many times today? And maybe it's every other day or a couple days. I don't know. It could be happening like five, seven, ten times per day. So bring your attention to it. In fact, we're smoothly entering into our action step here. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is going to be to catch it in the moment, Give yourself that little gentle puppy correction in your mind, and then see if you can reduce the score. That's the thing. So how many times did you apologize today? And then see if the next day you could reduce it. The goal is for seven days to bring full awareness to this and try to get down to zero. Unless it's a. It's a, you know, I'm not saying zero apologies, but only warranted apologies. And you're the judge of what's right for that. Although sometimes our calibration systems are all wonky and so we feel like, no, it's the right thing for me to apologize for breathing. So try to go by the basic rubric I shared. See if that checks out with you. See what your values are. Maybe even make a think about, okay, what would be a healthy standard? Not what I'm compelled to do, but what would I think is healthy? When would be a healthy time to apologize? So you come up with your own little rubric there, and then everything outside of that is a compulsive apology. And give yourself some space to catch those and see if you can get that sucker down to zero, maybe even for a whole week. Would that be amazing? And then find out what happens. That I'm not going to tell you. That's going to be the second part of your action step is to discover what happens, but I've heard some fascinating stories from clients how this is a part of, and maybe even kicks off a whole nother level of sense of power, freedom, healthy relationship with themselves, their needs. So let's see what happens for you when you do it though, because all these action steps sound great, don't they? Until we actually do them? So I'm curious hear how that goes for you until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.