Dr. Aziz argues that the chronic pressure to "be a good person"—driven by family and cultural conditioning—creates anxiety, self-criticism, and performative behavior. He suggests that letting go of this burden can free people to act more authentically, which may produce more genuine kindness and connection than striving under constant evaluation.
I'm going to invite you to stop trying to be a good person. Now, that might sound crazy, right? And especially if you've been a nice person for many years, you might think, are you telling me to be a bad person? A sociopath, taking advantage of people? Aggressive, pushy, unkind, uncaring, ruthless. No, no, I'm not saying that. And even the fact that you think to let go of trying to be a good person means you're gonna be all these bad, horrible, mean things is already showing something about your perspective, your psychology, your worldview, which goes like this. You're either a good person or you're bad. And so I gotta strive hard all day long to. To make sure I'm a good person. Do you have that pressure underneath? You might use the word good person. That's a kind of a bucket label I put on it. After seeing this so much in myself and clients over the years, it might come across as a pressure to. Oh, my God, someone messaged me. I got to get back to them sooner. Oh, I haven't responded to that person. Oh, no, you know, oh, I should, you know, give more of my time to make sure that we get that thing finished. Because if I don't put my time in, then other people are going to be working more, and that's not affair. And, oh, I should give more to the charities. I should fix that problem with world use of plastics. No. Oh, gosh. It's like this pressure to make everything right, to make sure everyone's okay, to solve all the problems in the world, to be good. And in addition to this chronic pressure it places on you, also, what happens if you fall short? Do you hate yourself? Do you criticize yourself? Do you feel real anxious? You think people are gonna leave you? You think you're gonna get fired? You think that you're worthless? And so is that really making you good? Is that really beneficial for you, for humanity, for others, for the world? Or is it. Something's gone awry, something's gone off. You know, it looks good on paper, but in reality, it's pulling you perhaps further and further from something more true, more real, more you, more free, more alive, more liberated, more connected, more love, more kindness. What if something much better emerges out of you when you drop that strain and pressure and burden to be good? Because you know what a lot of that is? It's not really about what's beneficial for all, or your morals, your ethics, or your values or your. It's about adherence to a cultural conditioning that you got when you were Young about what a good boy or a good girl does, and a. And then anything other than that is bad. So it's you trying to live by the rules. It's you trying to. And the rules are not just what you got from your family. The cultural conditioning starts with family, and then it expands to your peers. You're growing up to the broader media, to the subgroups that you plug into on social media and, you know, YouTube and blogs and other places you can get a sense of input from others. Books that show you what to think, feel, believe, and how to see the world, how to perceive things. And so you've accumulated this laundry list of I should do that and I should eat this, and I shouldn't have that, and it should be this, and I mean that I'll follow all these rules, and I'm going to be a good person, and I'm stressed out that I might not be. And it goes on. And it goes on. You know, some people that I see striving to be a really good person are actually pretty harsh and condemning of people that don't follow the same rules as them. Hmm. Sounds like they're all under a lot of pressure. So some food for thought here. What happens? I've seen this with clients, I've seen this with myself, that when you drop the demand, just kind of say, eff it to being a good person, you feel a lot more relief, you feel a lot more authenticity, you feel a lot more freedom to be you. And then what comes out of you is, is. Is it good or bad? I don't know, but it just is. And maybe there's a lot of kindness there. Maybe there's a lot of connection, there's a lot of humor. Maybe you do contribute to a cause. Maybe you do behave in a way that feels in alignment with your values and therefore feels right. But it's no longer being constantly evaluated. You're no longer constantly under that pressure. So I hope this serves you and you're released from the burden to be a good person. And I look forward to seeing you in the future. Until then, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
