Surrender = Happiness

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about the power of being able to surrender in the moment to whatever is happening. And this is something I've recorded episodes and talked about in other places, but it's just so good. We need this reminder all the time. And in fact, this is not even the episode that I planned on recording right now, but there's a reason why I'm recording this right now. And I'll share in just a minute. Thank you for being with me. You're awesome. I just want to take a moment to acknowledge you for your dedication to yourself, to your growth, to your wanting to feel more free, open, alive, liberated, confident and powerful. It's awesome. That's something that's worth acknowledging. And sometimes I think we can get so focused on, you know, I'm not there yet. I need this to change. I need that to change. I need to fix that externally. I need to get rid of this habit here. I need to be better this way. I need to take more action. I need to do this. And there's this kind of inner demand and inner stress that prevents you from really just being okay with you liking who you are and then from that place relating to the world. And that's kind of what this show is about, is really how to get into that place of being more in this moment, more okay with who you are, how things are, and just the amazing amount of, like, skill and confidence and humor and creativity and playfulness and intelligence and wit that comes out of you when you are in that surrendered state, that relaxed state. So I was going to record about letting you out, going to talk about that in a future episode. Don't worry, we'll get to that and what that even means. But. So I sat down and record. Well, not sat. I stood. Stood to record. My office is basically a recording studio. I can record from various places. I can do video here I can do audio. We have a little corner that's for professional audio quality recording. That's what you're listening to right now. Isn't it pro? Isn't it sound pro? So I stood here in the corner, got my notes ready. I was about to start recording, and I did start recording. And I got about three, three to four minutes into the episode. And then there was, like screaming and banging on the window of my office, which is a little single studio building in the back of our yard. And my kids were outside. They're almost three and five. Our pear tree is out there, too. And they were cleaning up pears off the ground with mom. And they, of course, run over to the studio and start banging on the window. Now, it's funny because sometimes they'll be in the backyard and they'll totally ignore where I work. And this morning when I happen to be recording, that's the morning they start banging on the window. And you can hear it usually in the recordings. So I stop the recording, wait for them to be done, and then start recording again. And then, sure enough, like one to two minutes later, Armand, my younger one, is just literally screaming outside the window. And then I have this moment of anger. I'm just like, fuck. You know? And I'm like, it was on the old recording. You could hear it. I'm just angry. And I'm gonna, like, storm to the door and just be like, you guys have to stop doing that. Candace, you gotta stop the boys from stressful trying to record over here. It's professional business. I'm trying to, you know, come out angry, dad. And I'm starting to walk towards the door, feeling angry. And I open the door, though, and I'm like, zaim, can you stop hitting on the window, bud? I'm trying to record in here. I don't know if you can hear that. There's a little scream back there. It's happening right now. That's why I had to record this. So if you hear screams in the background, it's occurring right now. Demonstrating surrender right here. So I tell him, hey, bud, can you stop that? So I contain the anger, but it's kind of like, dude, come on, just stop. You know, more disappointed sounding than angry. And he just kind of puts his head down and starts like, he's barefoot, he's naked, because my kids are naked, like, all the time. And so he just like starts running his toes through this really thin peat gravel around my studio. And he starts running his toes through the gravel, kind of looking down in that Moment I'm just like, aw, he wants to hang out, he misses me. And I'll tell you what I did in a minute. But I'll tell you that I would not, absolutely not have done that had I not been in the state of surrender. So it might sound like I was not in a state of surrender because I was saying fuck and then going to go stop him from doing it. But here's what happened. Earlier this morning, before I started recording, I had this Monday morning. I have all this stuff. I'm like, do this this week and that and that. I'm kind of stressed out about the week, okay? I got to make sure I get to all these projects and all this stuff. And what I have a practice of that I generally do unless I forget or don't. But other than that, I totally do. It is if I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, then I do nothing because I've had times where I operate from that place of overwhelm and maybe I'll get a lot done. But I am stressed and I'm tense and I'm impatient and no matter how much I get done, it's not enough because there's more on my list. You probably know the state I'm talking about, right? And so I said, wow, I'm really stressed right now. Let me just sit here for 15 minutes and meditate. And so I did that. I sat and I meditated and I felt I just got in my heart, got in my body, got to a place of like, everything's okay. I don't need to do anything right now. There's no danger, there's no fire. This is urgency that's created by me and my own patterns of perfectionism. So I got into a more and more relaxed state. And then I had this thought of like, I just want to record right now. I mean, I'm going to record sometime this week anyway. Just like, why not? Right now I just feel inspired to do that. So it's being led by inspiration rather than by my to do list. And so I, from that place started to record and then I got a whole episode recorded and I started recording the next one. And that's when the fiasco started to happen. But I was still in this very open state. Because what I found is when you surrender, you start to get more open hearted. At least I do. And I'm sure you'll experience the same thing as you do it more. Maybe you've already done it a lot. And just so you know what I mean when I say surrender, I Mean just saying yes, just saying yes to whatever is arising. I talked about this not too long ago in an episode. Whatever is arising, not fighting it, not resisting it, just letting go and really getting out of your mind because your thoughts are going to be continually fighting what's uncomfortable or what you don't like. It's going to fight that there's noise out there, fight that this didn't work out, fight that we need to get this more stuff done or else. Fight the feelings of fear inside of you. Fight this, fight that it's just in constant reaction, resistance and opposition to life. When I think of surrender, I think of breathing deep into your belly, opening your chest, breathing into your heart, feeling what's going on in there and not fighting it, not resisting it. I've talked about this just not too long ago in previous episodes. So I'm not going to guide you through a whole lot of that now, but listen to the last few episodes if you want some guidance on that. And so I did that, got into that state, started recording and then boys come bangin, the boys come banging. And so what I did is I opened the doors, I was telling you. And then I had that moment where he's kind of looking down in the gravel and I was just like, he wants to hang out. And I'm no longer in a state of like, yeah, but I can't. I don't have time for this because I gotta get. There's recordings done. I get these recordings done, I can get on the next thing, next thing, next thing, next thing. But I don't want to live my life that way. I don't want to live my life achieving a bunch, but feeling stressed and miserable about it or doing all kinds of cool stuff in the world but then not really enjoying it because I'm trying to get to the next thing. And I had that commitment with my life and recording these podcast episodes. If having this conversation with you right now is just about getting it done so I can get to the next thing, then that's not serving either of us, is it? Because my energy is going to be different. I'm not going to be fully present. There's going to be a part of me that's like trying to race through, get more done, achieve, win. Like, no, no, let's just be here. And that was the state that I wanted to record from anyway. That's why I felt inspired to do it. And so I'm not stressed out in that way. And then I see him in that state of he just wants to Connect with his dad. He's like a four and three quarters year old kid. He doesn't understand, like, why can't I bang on a window? It's like, whatever. Of course I want my dad to come out and play with me. He's just sitting in that box with nobody. He's always kind of confused. He was, he understood now. I showed him like, you know, some of the video calls I do with people and stuff like that. But before I was kind of like, there's no one in there, daddy. You're just going into a room by yourself. I'm like, I know he's just talking to the walls, but. So he just wants to hang out with his dad. I see that, I feel that. And so I'm like, hey. So in that moment right there, he's looking at the gravel. I just said, hey, Zaim, guess what? You probably want to hang out with me and talk, right? He's like, yeah. He looks up and I was like, hey, why don't you come on inside, let me show you what I'm doing. So I bring him on into the my office and just hold them up to the, show them the microphone. I'm recording in, showing him the audio recording software that shows like the wave pattern. And I'm like, watch. When you talk loud, it gets bigger and you're quiet, it gets smaller. And if you stand over there, it's smaller, but if you stand right next to the mic, it's bigger. And he's just loving it. And then I hold him up and he starts talking into the mic, starts singing songs. Songs are in quotes here. They're, they're tonal. Tonal sounds, Animal, like tonal sounds. And then of course, Armand, his younger brother, two and three quarters, comes barreling in like, what's going on in here? We can go in daddy's studio in the middle of the day. This is exciting. So he wants to come up and then I hold him and I take turns holding them. And all in all, I probably spend 10 minutes doing that. But it's an entirely different experience of life, of that moment of the morning of my day and of life. And that's what you can experience more and more of as you take the time and have the intention to just let go and surrender. It's just so powerful. I really wanted to share this with you as it's happening. It's literally just happened minutes ago. So what, what can you let go of right now? And this is one of those things where mentally doing it doesn't work. Nearly as well as, like, emotionally doing it. So really taking a few minutes right now to see what you're holding on to do. You need to get more shit done right now. Do you feel like, I got to solve this, I got to fix this, I got to get this? Because what I find is behind that urgency, there's always some fear or threat. I gotta get all this stuff done. Why? Well, if I don't, it's usually a threat to our safety or a threat to our ego. Threat to our safety is if I don't get everything done at work, they're gonna fire me, and I'm gonna end up dead under a bridge. Right. Some catastrophizing there. Or it's a threat to our ego. If I don't get X, Y, and Z done, then I'm not gonna be the top dog. I'm not gonna be the best player. I'm not gonna be better than everyone else. And that can create just as much fear and urgency, if not more than our fear of safety. In fact, I've seen this in myself and other people. Like, it can just flip from one to the other. You can go from a total state of fear to, like, I have to. I'm just as stressed because now I have to maintain this bar or get to the next level or be more ahead of others or better than others. So what is the threat? What is it I'm afraid of? What's the threat to my safety? One of the biggest threats to our safety is not even that you are going to be destitute and run out of money or something. The actual fears are often like, someone's going to be angry at me. Someone's going to be upset with me. And it's amazing how quickly this stuff can spiral into influencing us. So I noticed that I have this. There was this live event, and I noticed I need to plan more for it. I need to prepare. I need to get shit done for that event. And I was all stressed about it, and I was like, the event's like a month away. Sure, I'm going to work on content and make sure all the logistics are handled, but I'm gonna run around like a chicken with my head cut off about it. It's a month away. I was like, what's going on here? So I slowed down. I slowed down, and I started imagining one person in my group program, in my mastermind, one person out of all the people in it. And this is one person who happened to voice some things that they didn't like to one of the coaches on my team about the mastermind program. So someone who is maybe dissatisfied with something, and then I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, I have to fix that. I have to fix the program. I have to fix their feelings. I have to solve it. That was what a part of me, the nice part that was afraid of any disapproval or conflict. And then I was like, oh, my God, this person's coming to the live event. I got to make sure the live event is really amazing. And when I started to unravel this, I was just like, whoa. Oh, my God, look how much urgency and stress can come from just one thing that's not even a threat. Not even a real threat. Isn't that amazing? So what are you reacting to right now? What things are turning into these huge musts and autos and urgencies and stress? Nah, that, you know, is just a perceived threat to your safety or a threat to your ego. And maybe if you focus on it and unravel it even more, it's not even really that, like, threat to your ego is not even a real thing. Right? Like, we'll be totally fine on one level if we don't achieve something or we're not better than others or whatever. And then the threat to our safety is again, usually not real threats. I mean, real threats are few and far between. Real threats are some object that's coming out your head real fast, Some dude with a knife in an alley coming at you. Like, these are real threats. But someone not liking you, Someone being upset with you, Someone being slightly disappointed with you, Someone wanting something from you that you're not going to give them or can't give them or choose not to offer them. Someone not liking something about you. Your shoes or your hat, for example, or your appearance or how you said something here or what you sound like or you look like or what you. However you are in the world. Those aren't threats. They're really not. And the only way we truly see that, that they're not threats is by slowing down, is by facing them and facing it in your body, breathing into it, and getting out of your thinking. Because the thinking rapid monkey mind is gonna be like, it is a threat. It is a threat. Oh, my God, my ego's in danger. I gotta get more stuff done. And it bounces around so fast, it's hard to stay with it. It's hard not to get swept up in that current. One of my teachers would just say, repeatedly, we do these long meditations, and he'd always say, there'd just be like silence for a long time. Then just out of nowhere, he'd just say, stay out of your mind. Stay in your body. And he'd just be like, yeah, that's right. I do need to do that more. So let's turn this into action time for action. Action, action. Your action step is sometime today when you feel urgency and stressed out about something or afraid of something, and your impulse is to go be busy on top of it and do more to prepare or protect yourself or make shit happen. That kind of energy, you know what I'm talking about, is to do nothing. Now, I know this is a stretch. Give it five minutes, set a timer on your phone or a watch or look at the clock or whatever and just say, okay, for five minutes, I'm going to do nothing. I'm just going to feel. I'm going to stay out of my mind and stay in my body and just breathe. If you want to extend it to 10, even better. But just, you know, five minutes. Because then if you got your big ass to do list and there's 87 things you think you need to do. Look, five minutes is not going to. We know on some level it's not going to significantly impact your ability to get all that stuff done. You're still gonna have plenty of time to do it, or not enough time, because that's how you're setting up your life and your mindset. But it's pretty much the same amount of time as you have right now, right? So five minutes is not gonna make a big difference. But I'll tell you what makes a huge difference is that emotional state that you come from. So for me, it's usually about 15 minutes that I'll give myself. And I find my productivity a thousand fold better afterwards. And not only that, because it's not all about just productivity, right? My mood, my happiness, my ability to stay in connection and imagine what that would have set up for the day if, like, dad was pissed and I was angry. And then I either feel like I have to defend or justify myself in my mind. Like, yeah, of course I can act that way because, you know, I do have to work. I'm trying to run a business in here. Or I can feel guilty and probably a mixture of both, right? Like, I shouldn't die. I wish to handle. I don't like yelling at my kids. But the whole thing was just avoided because of that. 15 minutes. So do it. Do it. And before we conclude here, right after we conclude, I'm gonna play just a little clip that I saved of the boys in the studio so you get to hear them and their messages to you. So awesome. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Here we go. Moni, say something into the microphone. Hi. That was you? You want to say anything else into the microphone? Hi.

Say a dia.

Okay, here we go. You want to say anything else?

Can you stand on two of these pillows? And then I'll be really high. Maybe stand on those? Can you stand on those?

Okay.

Can you hold me?

Okay, here we go.

Whale tinkle way you de o wee t re dee wee shark. That's how it ends. Can I listen to it?

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

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