Terrible Before, Awesome After

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about things that are terrible, then awesome. I'll explain exactly what I mean, how it relates to you changing and becoming a more confident, bold version of you, and how when you understand this really simple breakdown, it gives you so much more permission and freedom to take the actions that you want to take and to build the confidence that you really know that you need at this point in your life. Because if you're listening to this show, then there's something that's not quite working for you. Some old pattern, some old way of being, some old story that has kept you limited, kept you feeling down about yourself, feeling less than in some way, shape or form. And change is needed. And in this episode, I'm going to describe a very simple process about how change works so that you can use it. And this is from observing it with thousands of people at this point to. To know that this is pretty much always how it goes. There's probably other patterns as well, but this one seems pretty universal and I'm excited to share it with you. If you're benefiting from the show and you like what you hear here, please take a moment to go to itunes or the podcast app on your phone or Spotify or wherever you're listening this to and give it a review. Preferably a five star review. But yeah, you decide. You decide. I'm not gonna tell you what to put, but I just know that that would really help me in reaching more people, which is the goal of this show is to. Is mass liberation. How do we find as many people as we can who are struggling with social anxiety, self doubt, self criticism, suffering and silence. And one, help you realize you're not alone and feel that connection with all of us here. And then two, you know, find the boldness and the tools and the strategies to step into a new version of you. So thank you in advance. For doing that. Let's talk about a simple phrase, which is the title of this episode, which captures change. And here's what it is. Terrible before, awesome, after. Let me explain what I mean. So the story of social anxiety says, they're not going to like you. It's not going to go well. I can't do it. Right. That's a story of low confidence, too. It's not going to go well. I can't do it. And then there's an impulse to not try, not act, not go for it, not speak up, not take the risk, not put yourself out there. And you know that in this show. And so much of what I'm teaching is to challenge that voice is to start to put yourself out there, is to go for it. And, of course, that feels uncomfortable, that feels scary, that feels risky. There's a part of you that says it's not going to work. And the whole game, when it comes to growing confidence, is to be able to defy that voice of doubt, to challenge it, to take the action. In fact, we even had an episode all about defying doubt and about facing your fears. So by this point, you know, that's essential. And yet. And yet, anticipate that before you take the action. Often it's going to feel terrible. Terrible before. So in this case, in that phrase, terrible before, awesome after. The before is before you take the bold action before you take that step that, you know, you want to take the step that you've been avoiding, and it's gonna be terrible beforehand. Now, I'm not saying it always has to be, you know, be open to the possibility that maybe it's gonna be smooth and easy and comfortable and not that big of a deal. And also be open and prepared for it being terrible. And what does terrible mean? Well, terrible is kind of a playful way of highlighting that it's very uncomfortable. There's a character I play with my kids. I do different voices with my kids, and one of them is a character named. His name's Enry, but my kids call him Oyer because he used to point at one of the kids and say, oi, what are you doing? Right. Anyway, a game. Somehow they. When something funny happens, they'll just want to do it again and again and again. And as a parent, I have to find my patience to be like, okay, we're gonna do that again. All right, here we go. But at one point, they got in this thing about asking Eur, you know, what was terrible? Because he was saying everything was terrible. And he said, oh, it's so terrible. Everything's terrible. And they start to ask him, like, what's terrible? And then they would start to ask him really good things, like, what's terrible about, you know, having a nice house? Or what's terrible about, you know, having, you know, a loving family? And Oyer would always find a wise a way to say, like, oh, it's terrible because. And so that's maybe where that phrase comes from about it being terrible beforehand. It's kind of a playful, dramatic way of highlighting how it just feels uncomfortable. And this discomfort. Oh, this discomfort is terrible. It's terrible. And having that playful, dramatic labeling of it can start to break some of its hypnotic power. Because when I call it terrible, I'm sort of playfully pointing out to something, a resistance that your mind might do. I mean, it might literally call it terrible or awful or I can't do this, or I can't handle this, or this is too much, or it. And then we believe that thought, and then we actually react as if it is totally terrible and overwhelming as opposed to it's uncomfortable. So when I say, oh, it's so terrible, I'm playfully reminding myself that it's just discomfort. So let's look at this in action. Is there something recently you've done or something in the near future you would do? If you are taking bold action, being more confident, being more direct, going after what you want, speaking up, sharing, saying no, having a boundary, taking a risk, and when you move towards it, how did you feel? And yes, terrible, right? But what? Were you anxious? Were you unsettled? Were you scared? Were you sort of feeling dread or predicting a negative outcome? Become familiar with, with your flavor of terrible and how you create terrible and what the experience is. You know, one really simple way to get a beautiful daily demonstration of terrible before awesome after is to take the cold shower, which many of my clients know because I talk about it on all my different group coaching programs. And some days I'll take a hot shower and end with cold, but most days I'll just do a pure cold shower. And the reason for that is because it's a beautiful training and metaphor for that moment of when you're about to step into the shower. There's some, at least in me, no matter how many times I do it, there's some resistance, there's some dread, there's some desire to avoid. Oh, let me, like, change the toilet paper roll before I get in the shower. That was really important. I had to do that. Now let me clear off this counter in the Bathroom, it's very cluttered. I have to. What am I doing? Right? Why? Because I'm avoiding, I'm delaying and okay, that's one of the ways that I deal with the discomfort before. And there is sometimes the discomfort is about uncertainty. I don't know how this is going to go. In the case of the cold shower, you kind of pretty much know how it's going to go if you've done it before. So then what the discomfort is, is an anticipation of strong sensations. That's all it is, right, is anticipation of strong sensations. And really our discomfort with uncertainty is that in that uncertainty is lurking strong sensations. Notice my language there. Strong sensations, not saying awful emotions, overwhelming things, terrible things. It's just, isn't it just strong sensations. If you go have a conversation with that person and you hope it's going to go a certain way and it doesn't and it feels stilted or awkward or they reject you or something happens, what is going to occur then? Strong sensations, maybe a pressure in your chest, maybe a caving in feeling, maybe some other sort of discomfort, but it's just sensations, it's just emotion, maybe just stories in your head. And so when you really break it down and begin to study it. So one thing you can do is study the terrible. What am I doing? How am I creating this? Am I making it more dramatic? Am I giving it way too much importance? Where am I focused when I'm in this terrible. Am I focused on myself? Am I evaluating myself? Am I in the future predicting things? Am I in the past remembering the past and saying, well, therefore, that's how it's going to be in the future. The more curious you become, the less power it has over you. Now when you're being curious with this, I would caution you against saying like, okay, I'm gonna figure out this terrible thing so I can make it not feel terrible because I want this whole process to be more comfortable. Maybe I'd say at best you become more self aware and mindful so that the sensations and the thoughts and the feelings and the stories and the predictions, you're able to observe them more without being buffeted around believing everything that goes through and reacting to every feeling. And you know this means that and like you're more aware of the meanings you're choosing, you're more present, you have a stronger depth and capacity to you to be able to tolerate sensations in a more calm and measured and maybe more equanimity. Like, okay, there's a sensation, right? You know, I'm bringing up my kids again because I'm. It's a big part of my life, so I'm with them every day. But you know, when they get a cut, there's like this dramaticness to it, right? You remember that when you were a little kid, like, ah, skin running. It's terrible. And it's terrible. And what they're reacting to is actually partly the appearance of the cut. So if they get a cut and it hurts but there's no blood, there's usually not as much as reactivity as if there is a cut and then they look at it and then it's bleeding. And, you know, the other day this was happening and my older son was like, ah, that's terrible. It's terrible, it's terrible. And I said, okay, let's take a few breaths. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt? And he paused for a minute and he's like, actually, not that much at all. Maybe like a two. I was like, yeah, isn't that interesting? He said, yeah, but I don't like the blood. I said, yeah, yeah, so. So the blood made it seem scarier. He's like, yeah. And then it seemed more painful. Yeah. So what I'm doing there is I'm providing kind of like the emotional regulation which is common for the adult to provide that for the child when the child is young. They don't have those capacities yet. Heck, as an adult, sometimes we don't have those capacities. Right. We gotta find the adult within us to parent ourselves through some difficult emotions. Otherwise we're just, this is terrible. I skinned my knee. Whatever that version is for us as adults, right? Like, oh, no one liked my report. Everyone. I thought my presentation was stupid. So there's an emotional regulation quality in providing for him, and you want to be able to start to provide that for yourself. And that's that equanimity or, okay, it's a strong sensation. I don't need to run from it. I don't need to turn it off. I don't need to freak out. I can just breathe and soften and allow it. These are all the ways to deal with the terrible. And it will often escalate as you get closer to the moment of risk or moment of action. And as you know, just a quick recap in case you're not aware. This is all designed to prevent you to take the action from your safety police who doesn't want you to take any risks. But you keep moving one step forward after another. Why? Because you're committed to A new vision, a new you, because you're done with this way of life. Like I've lived this way for how many years? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? We just had someone sharing recently about his experience inside of Confidence University. And he was saying, you know, I can't even know how many years. I'm going to say at least the last five years that I remember have basically felt like the same year again and again. And at the end of the year I felt like I don't know if there's anything really different here. And then he joined ConfidenceU and within six months he says, like, this has been the most, I mean it's been a big year. He made some big changes, he ended a long term relationship. He was building his social confidence. I mean, it wasn't all a walk in the park. And he said, and this is the best year that I've ever experienced in my life. This is the most alive I've ever felt. And so when you are willing to step into the uncomfortable and step into the unknown, the rewards are exponentially greater than any of that illusion of safety you can get. So it's absolutely worth it. And here's the good news, because so far this might not seem like all this terrible talk, might not seem like good news, but here's the good news. Terrible before, awesome after. So it builds and it builds and it builds. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna get to the thing. Oh, I don't want to. Inner tension. Oh, self doubt's telling me not to. I'm thrashing around here, throwing my arms everywhere. Bleh. And then it's building, it's building, it's building. And then the action occurs and then it's off to the races. Who knows, you know, it's like kind of like maybe like surfing a wave or something. Like you don't know what's going on, are you flipping upside down? But it's, you're in the moment and it's happening. You're having the conversation, you're giving the presentation, you're doing the thing, you're on the date, whatever, it's all occurring. And then what happens after? Maybe even during. Sometimes you can feel elated, you can feel free, you can feel powerful, you can feel alive. And you know, I found talking to so many different people with this, in this process is oftentimes the aliveness occurs and the excitement and the freedom and the confidence comes, even if you didn't get the outcome that you wanted. I've heard this again and again from people who are like, you know what? I really went for it. And. And the person said no, But I'm just so glad I asked. It felt so good. I felt free to be able to ask, right? So there's this liberation, and that's what feels awesome. I'm not saying you get the outcome you want instantly, and that's what makes you feel awesome. You might. And that might feel great. Although getting the outcome you want might not feel great. I've also heard from people and experienced myself, you know, terrible before. Take the action, get the outcome you're hoping for. But then instead of feeling elated, you feel anxious. You're like, oh, no. They said yes. Oh, my gosh. That's a lot of responsibility. Am I gonna be able to do it? I got the promotion. Yeah. Am I good enough? Am I gonna fail? Are they gonna find out that how many skills. Oh, my gosh, I gotta manage all those people, right? So it might feel great. It might feel anxious. Like, the circumstance and how you respond, you know, how you feel about it is gonna be all over the place. But what can feel awesome and every single time that you can count on like clockwork is the feeling of liberation. The sense of, you know what? I thought I couldn't do that. The voice told me I couldn't do that. The doubt told me I couldn't do that. And I can, and I did. And what does that mean? That means I am beyond those limits. I am limitless. I am free. What else can I do? What else can I achieve? If the voice was wrong about that, what else is the voice wrong about? And you can feel extraordinary and alive and better than ever before in your life. And you want the little microcosm of this. Take the cold shower, right? Because as soon as you get done with me, even during the cold shower, the first part is like. And then all of a sudden, boom. You start to feel stronger. You start to feel more powerful. You're like, bring it on. And then when you get out, your body's tingling, your heart is pumping, you are fresh, you are revitalized, you are alive. And you will feel great. If you haven't done it, just try it. Trust me on it. But you got to go in with the right mind. If you're going in like, this is going to be terrible. I don't want to do it, but I gotta. Then you turn the water on, and you haven't walked into it yet. And you're standing on the back side of the shower, like. And then you get into it, and you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And you turn it off. Maybe you'll feel awesome. But to really unlock the awesome, you have to go into the experience of this. You have to embrace the experience not just with a cold shower, but of any risk and anything in your life. You got to go fully. If you. If you kind of tiptoe in backwards, just sticking your butt in the water or your back foot in the water and hoping that you can get through it, that's not going to create a level of confidence, breakthrough and liberation extraordinary. You got to walk in face first, chest first. Let the water hit your face. Let the ocean waves hit your body. Let the rejection go right through you. Like, here I am. Do you want to go out with me? No. Okay. Here's what I got to offer this company. Do they want to hire me? No. Okay. If you go in like that and you're willing to embrace the terrible, the sensations, the discomfort, the fear, then you're going to experience the liberation. You got to go in fully. You can't hold back and hesitate and hope that somehow you're going to get liberation. You got to claim the liberation. You got to walk right into it. And all it takes is courage. All it takes is willingness to say, yeah, here I go. This is what I'm going to do. Why? Because there's something on the other side that is so much better that I could sense that I can feel, that I'm drawn to, that I'm here for. I'm here for more than this. I'm here for more than the same freaking day. Day after day of comfort and protection and avoidance that leads to the same month that leads to the same year. Like a perpetual torture chamber of Groundhog Day, I'm here for something more, and I'm going to claim it, and I'm going to step into this. And then you take on the terrible. And that. That's how you unlock the awesome. That's how you get to feel that sense of elation and freedom, no matter what the outcome is. You know why? Because you could say, you know what? I lived. I lived this life, and I think that that's what feels good at the end. When you talk about regrets with people, when I hear stories of regret, I'm often hearing stories of not fully living, not fully going for something. And if there's someone who regrets taking a bold action, usually what they haven't done is taken the learning from that action. Because most people that I know who've taken a bold action and failed, they've Taken another bold action and succeeded, or maybe multiple failures and then succeeded. And so then they see it as this string. So, you know, like someone who fails in a business attempt, and they say, well, I learned I should never try to run my own business. It's a terrible idea. They might not have gotten the appropriate learning. Whereas someone who has a successful business and you say, tell me about your first business. And they're like, oh, man, it was a train wreck. But they got back up and they kept going. And that's what allows you to step fully into each experience. It's like, look, it's going to go whatever way it's going to go. But I know that I'm unstoppable. I know that I can create the outcome that I want if I keep moving forward towards what I'm drawn to, what that vision is, then you get to unlock a whole other level of awesome, which is not just the liberation feeling of being able to defy doubt and step into your fears and do what you want in this life. And also you get to unlock more extraordinary results, too, because that's the kind of attitude, persistence, discipline, determination, commitment, that can create truly extraordinary circumstances, too, in your business and your social life and your relationships. So let's bring it all, and let's unlock a whole new level of. Of awesome. Speaking of that, let's also talk about action. Time for action. Action. Action. So your action step for today, since I've talked about it so much, has got to be this cold shower thing right now. Maybe you've done it, maybe you've been in some events or programs or something like that, and you're already doing it. Great, great. Well, then what you can do is you can look for then. In that case, if you've done some of my programs, you're probably already regularly leaning into the terrible to unlock the awesome, right? Terrible before, awesome after. Or have you maybe gotten a little rusty there? So find a place to take a bold action, take a risk, do something that makes you uncomfortable, and go do it. If you're not in the habit of taking a cold shower, or you were and then you stopped, and maybe you've never done something like that before and it sounds horrific. Try it out. Try it out. You only got to be in there for 30 seconds. You know, you don't have to time it. Just, like get in there enough to wash your armpits and, you know, any other parts of your body with soap. And maybe if you don't want to do your whole. If you have a lot of hair or something like that. You don't have to do a whole long shower and wash your hair. You know, either just don't get your hair wet or turn it to hot to do the your hair or whatever, but just 30 seconds, maybe 60 seconds of just pure cold on your body turning around, get every crevice, get your armpits, get the back of your neck, get your chest, get everything, all the parts that you try to want to dance around and avoid. Go into it on purpose and just notice how you feel after. Do you feel tingly? Do you feel alive? Do you feel liberated? And then don't just make it about this cold shower. The cold shower is a metaphor. It is a daily experience of what your life is and can be. And say, great, if I did this, what else can I do today? How else am I going to show up in my life this way? And then you are on the path to extraordinary alright, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.